Codependent relationship recovery time
 

How long did you take from the moment when the end began (by your choice or through the alcoholics) and the time you were "codependent no more" as the famous book title goes.

If you haven't moved on completely but are almost there - that counts too because its a tough job - what is the last hurdle(s) you must work through and time its taken till now.

Am I codependent?
 

I am... 6 days out of a 3.5 year relationship with an alcoholic (his choice, not mine) and I had never thought I was codependent until I joined SR and started reading posts. Now that I'm realizing what I gave up, how I changed myself and my actions for him and our relationship, and everything I tried to do to help him... I am codependent, as much as I hate saying that. I have clung onto reading feeds and posted one story of my own and reading replies to keep me from begging him to take me back. The more I learn about his alcoholism and my codependency, it keeps my thoughts from running back to him and trying to figure out ways I could've changed things or helped him more or be better for him. I'm still very early in the breakup, and every minute of everyday is a hurdle to get through without him, but I try to remind myself of what I'd be doing if I was with him...but I know what I'd be doing... sitting and waiting to see if he'd come home, if he'd lie where he was or who he'd be with, if he'd be drunk already or crabby and stressed and blame work but take it out on me, if he was going to want to spend time with me that night or go out alone, if he'd tell me he loved me that day or hated me, if I could tell him about my day or what I'm thinking or if I'd have to stay silent not to upset him... I think, I wonder what he's doing since I'm not there... but I know that too, he's either working and then drinking, or just drinking, or drinking then working... I do have a demon that tells me, he probably quit now or is controlling himself and living this glorious life and hanging out with friends and new women that compliments him better and he's so happy and not even thinking about me or everything we had. That is the current hurdle I'm trying to work on...

My codependency started with my alcoholic mother, but I didn't really understand what that meant until I was 32 and my first (no alcoholism involved) marriage imploded due to my complete lack of self-esteem (which is how my codependency presented). Then, after three years of being on my own and building up a healthy love and respect for myself outside of romantic relationships, I started dating an alcoholic . The relationship only lasted ten months, and in retrospect, it's clear that I only got involved with him because I was trying to re-create the circumstances of my childhood and prove to myself, once and for all, that I really didn't have any control of his (or my mother's) alcoholism. I ended the relationship once I truly understood that and never looked back. Shortly thereafter, I met my current husband, and our relationship is the healthiest I've ever had. We've been together ten years, married for seven, and going strong.

I still occasionally have codependent flare-ups but they mostly revolve around work relationships, and that gets better all the time.

I still battle

Hi della.

You should be proud of yourself. Its very very hard especially when we have to do the complete opposite of what we do amd know by nature.

I understand where you are, been there. Every step is one step closer than the last. And every day is a chance to do it better than yesterday. There's always a way to turn around.

Keep it up. You making progress although progress isn't always bells and whistles and neon flashing signs. Especially when you used to drama and feeling strong emotions all the time.

Hi sparkle

I am glad to hear you going strong with your husband after your experiences.

There's hope for me yay!

I am 58 years old, and was raised to be a VERY good, obedient codependent.
I have been separated from my former partner 3-1/2 years, and we are in the middle of a divorce. I have also gone no contact with my family of origin.

I am not sure one ever gets over being codependent, but I believe you can achieve a comfortable sobriety. The biggest thing I have had to learn, is to observe red flags. I am very careful what I get mixed up in with others.

I am blessed now to have some VERY healthy friends who don't present me with drama.

Hi euchiche

I have thought about going no contact with my family as well which means my parents and siblings. We tolerate rather than love each other and each has their issue of choice. Not a loving affectionate family but not mean either.

I am trying first though to be able to interact with them and still stay on course with my own growth. I do get triggered at times and am tired of certain behaviour but so far I have managed okay.

The cutoff card is still in my pocket if need be.

Hi kodi
I finally got fed up with my middle sister's nastiness. She had my other sister wrapped around her little finger.

So this was their routine. The middle sister would pick a fight with me. I would react, then the younger sister would jump in with questions about why we just couldn't "get along. " Then they would both accuse me of being just like Dad.

In restrospect it was comical. It sure wasn't funny when I still dealt with it.

I'm the worst codependent on the planet. If not the worst certainly in the top 5 of all time. I am forever changed by my experience.

Very sorry for all of you who are dealing with it.

I think there is no specific time frame for getting over a codependent relationship. Moving on can be rather quick if one does not do any work on themselves and it could never happen if one does not do any work on themselves.

First we have to get from “them” and blame and anger and resentment to “ourselves” and then once again blame, anger, resentment, guilt, obligation and all of those emotions we have never self evaluated before.

Looking at their issues is fairly easy, they are addicts/alcoholics and they do what addicts/alcohols do. It’s looking at our part in the relationship and answering all of our why’s is how we work are way away from the relationship and into a healthier way of approaching life or as HardLessons said…….being forever changed, which in hindsight is not a bad thing but a positive one.

Why did we not see what was so clear to others about our partners.

Why did we stay so long after discovering their issues, being lied to,

manipulated and used for what ever the A needed or wanted.

Why did we think WE could help them, CHANGE them, show them a different way of life?

All of those questions and more is what we need to address, talk through, open our minds to understand ourselves and most importantly forgive ourselves for what we did not know then.

One of the emotions I hear often is a feeling of shame and embarrassment for not knowing what we didn’t know or took a long time to learn. I remember feeling like a fool because I wished I had truly listened to my friends and family instead of thinking I knew best when it came to him and being so wrong on so many levels made me feel so naïve and made me fearful of making decisions on my own. I had to work through a lot of those feelings and emotions and each and every time I did it was a step forward.

I love this quote………….

When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person that walked into it. That’s what the storm is all about…………Haruki Murakami

I think I was raised to be codependent to a certain extent. I was told that if you worked hard enough anyone can can be anything they want to be. So I applied that to other people too -- I work in a field where motivating other people is important. I am also an empath. However the combination of my personality and a person in active addiction makes for one seriously toxic relationship. I still have guilt and sadness and confusion because of what the addict chose to do in our relationship and the amount of lying they were capable of. It's been a few months of separation for me. I hope it gets better.