shauna71

Good morning! A quick recap: I finally broke things off with my XABF in September. Overall the last few weeks have felt really good, I am dealing with my grief yet at the same time feeling really positive about the steps that I'm taking for myself (I'm at the top of my list of priorities ... before I don't even think I was on the list!!!!).

When I left the relationship, I made it clear that I was leaving because I couldn't handle the drinking. I respected his right to his own choices, but wouldn't stand close while he killed himself and the effects of his alcoholism hurt me deeply in the process (I do not qualify him as a functioning alcoholic anymore, he's way beyond that point). I said that I still loved him, but refused to be near him while he drank.

I receive an email yesterday (no I didn't block him) saying that he regretted a lot of what he had said to me over the months that we were pulling apart (there was a LOT of back and forth over the summer -I kept hoping that there was another way around ... but that was avoidance.)

Today, I received a second email saying that he is two days into a "big detox" and that while he believed our relationship was over (he got involved with someone else immediately when I initially broke up with him in April), he can't stop thinking about me and that he still holds me in his heart. If this had been like the last time he decided to get sober, I would have already been running over to his house, offering him all kinds of support and discussing his options of what to do next. I would have been right back in the relationship. Instead, I read the email and immediately deleted it.

The thoughts running through my brain were:
1/ I don't believe you.
2/ This feels like manipulation.
3/ Great if you are detoxing, but what's the big plan (rehab, AA, counselling, etc.)?

And the main thought was: I don't trust you. Don't put this on me. I am not in charge of your sobriety, I am not your lifeline. If you want to do this for yourself, that is wonderful. If you are trying to use me as a crutch, please don't.

I will add, that a friend of mine called me the other day and told me that they were planning an intervention (due to happen sometime in the next few days). I wished him well and said that while I understood his good intentions, our A would only take action when he was finally ready to. When he asked me how I was, I told him the truth - that parts of my life are absolutely beautiful and that I also am dealing with lots of grief and coming to terms with how alcoholism has affected my life. I'm proud of myself for stating the truth. For the past four years I've been covering up my sadness and frustrations. Alcoholism was a private affair and I was asked not to discuss it. Now, at least I'm being honest - I'm not hiding.

But here's the thing - while I can certainly feel my strength and my determination to build a better life for myself (and I am seeing results), there is still a corner of my heart that is holding on to some hope. Hope that he'll finally commit to real Sobriety, hope that we could rebuild our relationship, hope that this isn't truly over. That tiny corner of my heart wants to reach out to him, but the rest of my heart (and my brain) are keeping it in check. I feel that I need way more time to heal and deal before I ever even considered opening myself up again. I'd also have to see serious and consistent actions on his part.

I am rambling ... and as I sit here, I am trying to figure out what I need from you all. And then it hit me - I think that I'm ashamed for still hoping, ashamed that I would still be willing to be open myself back up. I have accepted that our relationship is over (I NEVER want to go back to that one!) ... but would I be willing, under the right set of circumstances to see him again ... the answer is still 'yes'.

Any thoughts?

kodi

Your head and heart are on two different pages. Get them on the same track inline with your goals for your self and it will be more natural to you.

Maudcat

Hi, Shauna.
You sound good.
And strong.
I think it’s natural to want the relationship to succeed.
We codies invest a lot of ourselves in those we love, and it can be darn hard to pull back at times.
But pull back we must.
You are doing a great job working on you and taking care of yourself.
I’m glad that your xbf is detoxing (if indeed he truly is. Got proof beyond his sayso?)
But that is just the tiny first step on the road to recovery.
You are resisting the urge to rush in, give him a bunch of attaboys, which is great!
Sometimes the hardest thing is to do nothing.
His recovery is his journey, though he may want to make it yours.
Give him a gift: let him work on his own.
If he truly wants to be sober, and isn’t just blowing smoke to win your sympathy, he will do it.
We have all done it.
Actions count. Words are just words.
Peace.

NotAPeach

Awww, I know what you mean about not being on the list of priorities. I have come to discover that I have been doing some very strange things in the last year without even realizing it, all designed to keep myself off the list. Baffling.

Don't be ashamed. Be proud of yourself for being honest.

atalose

Shauna71, What a great post of strength and courage, you certainly have some healthy thoughts going on and positive actions.

I can’t tell you not to feel shame because we feel what we feel but I think you are missing that bargaining (hope, wishes, wishful thinking) is part of the grieving process and there is nothing wrong with feeling hope.

I know for me, that part of my grieving resolved itself with time and more healing on my part. The longer you are away from this relationship the more time “reality” has to set in and the less our “wishful – magical” thinking takes hold of us.

I know for me that I reached a point where even if my ex went to a long term rehab, stuck with meetings and a follow up program and was once again the strong clean/sober person I fell in love with – I still could not go back. Addiction/alcoholism is life long and my experience with him was that he relapsed after having been clean/sober for 4 years and I could never put myself into that position ever again.

I think you did the right thing by deleting the email and in sharing your honesty with that friend and by posting here!!!

Maudcat

Magical thinking.
Love it.

hearthealth

Hope is not reality. If he hasn't had long term sobriety you will just be sucking yourself right back. A dry drunk is also not much better. Stay focused on your life without him. Recovery does take a long time.

Ariesagain

Your brain has it right. Hearts are slow learners.

As they say here, pray for him and stay away from him. You’ve seen that movie and you know how it ends, yes?

Sending you a hug.

shauna71

Such wise, wise words! It is Sunday morning. I'm enjoying a hot cup of coffee in bed, my boys are curled up on the couch watching cartoons, it's raining outside and I am feeling (more or less) at peace. I just loved the idea of 'magical thinking' and I realized that yesterday's email had me projecting way, way out into the future - down roads that I haven't seen, much less set foot upon. I stopped concentrating on what was happening directly in front of me and got lost in a very foggy patch of 'what-if's'. They don't count. Nothing counts except the very concrete actions that I am taking for myself ... right now.

When I woke up this morning, I was rested, there are groceries for the week, the laundry is done and I'm settling into a beautiful Sunday morning with my children. All of that counts. I am not anxious, I am not stressed. I am still sad and my A. is still very much in my thoughts (he isn't front and centre, he just hovers and then I send him kindly on his way) ... and for now, I think that's okay.

I had forgotten about the other stages of grief: denial and bargaining (wishful, magical thinking). I've bounced around with the other three (acceptance, sadness and anger), but I didn't count on the denial and that amazing magical thinking!!! My shame is gone, I have chosen to simply accept these feelings as I do the rest. I'm not beating myself up for having hope - it's a powerful emotion when it links hands with action. But for right now, I'm going to focus on the hope and excitement that I have for my life ... no matter where that road takes me. Sending you all very, very, very big Sunday hugs! xo

maia1234

Shauna,
Good for you for staying away from the intervention, he is not yours to fix.

Be careful if you continue to open and respond to his emails. Continued contact continues the pain. It sets you back from moving forward. It was great that you didn't get sucked back into "poor me" situation and thenjoy you tring to save him. But always protect yourself. You have choices, delete, read and delete, read delete and respond.

I hope you have an amazing day with your kiddos!!

Mango blast

Thank you for these words. They say exactly what I'm feeling.

I received a text from my husband today. Deleted and forgotten. No apologies, no transfering money to my account (from shared funds that went to his account), no action... just "willing" to talk if I show up. I've been showing up for years and nothing has changed. I know this movie well and I'm done with it.

KTF

Vivisectus

This! So very true, and something I have to remember.

We live now, and as much as hope is generally a good thing, getting stronger and healthier is something that is always happening now, and to me, not to some "us", and not in some future which may or may not materialize. Denial lives in the future too, and involves people you cannot actually control.

Getting better belongs to me, and happens right this minute, one tiny step at a time.

Darn you made my morning Shauna thanks for posting that!

kayleezen

Hi Shauna,
We have very similar stories, I found your post at 3 days NC and that is where I am today with my AB. No clarity of if he is my ex yet but all his behavior indicates so.
Just wanted to say you sound good with your kids and the little things like clean clothes and groceries for the week really hold me in place. When my home is at peace and my son is home, I know it's all okay.
It's okay to love an alcoholic, it's okay to have hope, it's not okay to let them use and abuse us in their disease.
Thanks for your post, PM me anytime, I was able to find your private message option.
Hugs Kayleezen

Ladybird579

Any thoughts?

Yes block him from email and any other way to contact you. 2 days into detox is nothing. He's looking for a port in a storm with you having used up other options. My exah has had more detoxes then I can count. He's been in rehab and is in again now 6 times and he is still drinking. He treats rehab like a hotel. Please do not get sucked back in. No good will come of it for you.

Sailorgirl57

I love this thread. Love your courage Shauna. Good comments, Ladybird. For me standing strong is very hard but worth it in the long run.

I have been through this 3 times with 3 different alcoholic men. For me the movie has always been the same: I fall in love with a handsome, charming, intelligent man who is also an alcoholic. Fun and exciting at first, and I love them hopelessly and believe that they love me. Then their drinking starts to make me unhappy, at first, then miserable. I ask, plead, beg, and demand that they stop. The dance is always the same and in the end I walk away. Miserable for a long long time.

Then follows the game we both try to win. He wants me to stay with him and accept some level of alcoholism. I want him to sober up. Emails, texts, chance meetings, excuses to deliver mail, etc keep us enmeshed. Like slowly pulling a fish hook out of your eyeball. Not fun.

This time around I want off the merry go round for good. I am in al Anon, counseling, I read every book I can, and I come here. For me, I believe No Contact is the only way to go. For my own sanity. It is a boundary that shows self love for me. I have to make a clean break from my beloved ship captain.

I slip up. It’s hard. I admit I slip up. I also know that every time I text or email him that I am also poking him, which is not kind. I’m back to square one with days of NC just like an alcoholic in recovery.

Let’s continue to support each other here and stay strong. We can move on. We can make a fresh start. We can put strong boundaries in place to honor the hurt girls inside us. Love and hugs!!