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Against My Better Judgement

Old 10-13-2017, 09:40 AM
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Against My Better Judgement

I have been abstaining from weekend trips with my AH to his sporting event that he goes to. I don't care to be around it anymore - especially the drinking. My AH is beside himself. His control issues and paranoia go haywire when I'm not *right there*. Last weekend alone down there, he told me he drove home under the influence and was so bad he had to stop a few times on the way home to sober up.

He wants me to go with him this weekend. TO WORK ON OUR MARRIAGE. He promises no alcohol.

Our marriage definitely needs help. I am hopeful on the "no alcohol" promise, but am not banking on it. I really don't want to go, but I feel obligated to go in the name of working on our marriage. I also do not want him driving drunk and endangering other people. Eff him, I told him. What gives him the right to put innocent families in danger??
Ughhhhh, I don't want to go. But I am going to. But I don't want to. (Do we see the inner struggle here?? LOL)

I'm still in town, as we have a maintenance issue and I'm waiting on the service man to come and repair it. AH is out running errands. I'm going to make him do a breathalyzer before we go and if there are any traces of alcohol, I'm not going. Otherwise...as the title goes....I will go against my better judgement and hope for the best. I am just tired of hoping for the best and getting the worst. Maybe this weekend will be the turn around the corner.
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Old 10-13-2017, 10:01 AM
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LoveOeace Sushi......don't hold your breath.....lol....

There is a reason that most marriage counselors will not see a couple if active addiction in in the picture....
How do you figure that going to something that you don't want to--but he does--is working on your marriage?
Yes, your going will pacify him a bit...because it looks to me like he is trying to throw you some breadcrumb of fresh "hope" so that you will be corralled....

It takes two people being highly motivated, together to work on a marriage.
I see him, from what you share, to be highly motivated to get his own way...regardless of your needs and feelings. Apparently, you have gone to the sporting event a gazillion times, already....how did that help the marriage, in the past.....
Perhaps, a person who really wanted to preserve their marriage would strive to become sober, as a first move?!
If he ain't sober, ain't nothing going to improve the marriage relationship.....(informal language...lol)

Personally, I am not against hope, in itself...but, not as a substitute for reality.....
I think you know, inside, what the reality is....

Around here, you will hear..."Hope is not a plan".......
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Old 10-13-2017, 11:20 AM
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two words: don't go.

people do not work on their marriages over the course of a weekend, especially if one of them has untreated alcoholism but promises not to drink for about 72 hours. he wants to be in charge, FORCE you to do something with him so that he WINS. that you think you have to breathalyze him FIRST really says it all...........

again, don't go. it's a farce, a smokescreen.
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Old 10-13-2017, 11:38 AM
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If he's serious about working on the marriage, stay home and work on it.

I'm with others--I see this as pure manipulation on his part.
He isn't comfortable with you not under his eye, pure and simple.
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Old 10-13-2017, 11:55 AM
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Hi, LPS.
Hmmm. Drove home drunk. Had to stop several times.
How is that your fault, exactly?
Honestly, as much as I dislike alcohol, if I were in your spot, I would have more trouble with his need to control every minute of my life than I would the alcohol consumption.
He is trying to guilt you into going.
He doesn’t want to work on the marriage.
He wants to know where you are and what you are doing.
Can’t do that if you are home and he isn’t.
I am not going to tell you, go or don’t go.
That’s up to you.
I will repeat, tho, what I said in an earlier post.
You are working hard to set boundaries and he is working hard to push them down.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Old 10-13-2017, 12:08 PM
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Stay at home and see how it turns out. There must be a starting point to draw the line for real. This could be one of them.

The outcome will be good practice and yardstick for the next time to follow through with your boundaries. You will know what to expect and then you adjust and adjust until you are doing it by default and it something that's is working for you and I repeat YOU.

a relantionship is a two way effort. He must do his part as well for your wants and needs. not you being guilted or manipulated to his to keep things going.
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Old 10-13-2017, 12:50 PM
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Typical. XAH always screamed that we should work on our marriage. Problem was that he was most of the time either under influence or in early sobriety, which made him crazier than when he was drunk.

Take care of yourself and please don’t get in the car with him
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Old 10-13-2017, 02:11 PM
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Thanks, ya'll. I ended up staying home. I was too on the fence about going and AH said he would behave himself and trust me. It turns out it was a good thing, because the maintenance issue is not fixed yet and the workers are having to come back out. It would not have been good to come home on Sunday and this not be taken care of.
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Old 10-13-2017, 02:33 PM
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LPS.....out of curiosisty......what would he "trust" you about/or not trust you?
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Old 10-13-2017, 03:21 PM
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Dandylion, he has an irrational fear of me cheating on him. I'm not a doctor, but it lines up with paranoid personality disorder. There is some mental illness on his father's side, but they are all very hush-hush about it. FIL is a bipolar narcissist. Well...diagnosed bipolar. I added the narcissist part

Anyway, he comes up with these wild scenarios about my supposed infidelity. I'm positive that alcohol is like propane to this problem. I've been accused of some very stupid stuff.

I haven't done anything for there to be *any* trust issue. It's like the logical side of him understands what he's saying is ridiculous but at the same time he entertains the false idea.
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Old 10-13-2017, 03:28 PM
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LPS......that comes up a lot, on this forum.....as one reads through the thousands of real life stories.
....seen a lot, in combination with other controlling behaviors...
Must be terrible to live under this....
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Old 10-13-2017, 05:54 PM
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It was not a fun way to live for me- with someone who searched my clothes, pocketbook, tapped my phone and read my emails. I look back and wonder why I stayed so long. It's called control.
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Old 10-13-2017, 09:20 PM
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Proud of you for not going. That would fall under the catagory of enabler. He drinks you drive. Same story.

Keep doing your homework while he gone. You will see the pattern. Hugs
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Old 10-13-2017, 09:24 PM
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Am reminded of an old saying...”those who cannot trust cannot be trusted.”

Sending you hopes for clarity and strength.
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