Nervous relief
 

Hi all! It's been a while, and it's been a very busy summer with moving into a decent apartment and getting settled in, going for physical therapy and learning to be happy again.

The last I recall, I had made my AP (alcoholic partner) move out. It's been a fight to keep him out, sometimes I'd relent for a week or two only to find the same ole same ole pattern repeating. But each time he left, I felt so relieved and glad he was gone. So much so that my intolerance bubble grew! That's a good thing lol! It takes less and less BS for me to put my foot down and get on with the business of enjoying my life of peace and freedom.

He on the other hand, struggled. He can't hold a job, can't get a place of his own of course...no income...and he'd burned so many bridges, nobody wanted to do any more for him.

About three days ago he came over and asked me to take him to rehab. Apparently a new hire at his favorite job knew exactly where he needed to go, so AP made the phone call on his own, made the arrangements on his own and I brought him to the facility. It's a detox facility where they'll hold him for 5 days as they assess him and his needs, and then find the right facility for rehab. He will be in rehab for up to 90 days.

He called me tonight to tell me that before he leaves detox, he will be fixed up with a sponsor with AA. He was getting ready to watch some of the sobriety movies they play in the evenings. I had an opportunity to speak briefly with the intake counselor the day I brought him in, and that was helpful.

I'd reached a point where it no longer mattered whether he was drunk or sober, *I* needed to spend my time and energy taking care of ME. But now that he is in detox, I feel such a relief that his load is not on my shoulders. He is getting what he needs and the right people to help see him through.

About a month or so ago, he tried to detox himself at my home and he had a very rough time. No hallucinations, but he shook like a leaf and obviously needed help that I couldn't give. Yet, he still refused to go to AA etc. One of his friends told him that he needed to drink a beer every other day...well by then it was 10 days after drying out, and the faulty advice (which I objected to) simply led him right back down that slippery slope and back into boiler makers. So, I asked him to leave...again.

My biggest concern and worry is being gaslighted. I have no energy to through another round of broken promises and all the BS that goes with Alcoholism. I don't even want to get my hopes up. I'm just so relieved that he's made a decision, he's off the streets and in a safe place, and that he's not banging at my door 3 times a day looking pitiful/horrible and my having to slam the door in his face.

He told me tonight..I have to do this because if I don't, I'm going to die. Will you go to AA with me when I get out? I said I would.

I know he means what he's saying...today. Tomorrow could be another story entirely. He seems kind of broken, but willing to submit to whatever they ask of him while there, and seems to be looking forward to going on to the next facility. Gosh, I sure hope he means it, for real and that he succeeds.

And yet, I'm afraid to hope.

I am sure of one thing though. I sure like this peaceful time and I don't want it disrupted with any more addict BS. I'm sick to death of all that goes with it. Recovery work I can do..AA meetings, Alanon etc but I can't handle him falling off the wagon and ruining MY life. I've had enough, I know he knows that but you know how that holds up in the face of bowing to the addiction beast.

Thoughts?

Pajama, I love that your intolerance bubble has grown. More will be revealed both for him and for yourself as time goes by.

I had to get far away from my qualifier in order to focus on my problems and left him get sober or not.

Keep reading and educating yourself about both addiction and codependency.

Pajama.....Along with you, I also hope that he is able to commit himself to recovery and sobriety as his first priority......
And, I also am glad that you understand that it is his path to walk.....

I am going to give you this following link to our library of dozens and dozens or excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....I hope you will read through them.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html

Keep in mind that early recovery is considered the first couple of years....
Jeep your eyes on actions and behavior ......not the words.....

Here is a specific article that is a good yard stick......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html

This...

“Will you go to AA with me when I get out? I said I would. ”

leaped out at me.

His recovery is HIS. I hope others with more AA experience will weigh in here: maybe a significant other might attend an occasional meeting, but recovery is not date night. If his recovery is predicted on your involvement, it’s not going to work.

He has to learn how to reshape his world and how he reacts to life events whether you’re a part of that life or not. He seems to want to assign his life over to others...the beer every other day guy, the new hire who found the rehab, you to drive him there and then go to his meetings with him.

Be careful, yes? You have come a long way. No need to travel that road again.

Wishing you well...

Hi pyjama

You seem to know where things should be going and what outcome you desire.

Could the hesitation be that you are asking different to what the norm was before. Its unfamiliar and uncomfortable territory especially when the partner is a codependent like I was.

Setting limits and expectations is exactly what an addict doesnt want and they use what tools they have to fight it. Manipulation, confusion, unintended but confirmes followups, creating distractions like arguments and defensiveness etc etc. And excuses for any everything when there MUST be action.

You are making progress - follow it through. What was done in the past did not work.

Knowledge is empowering. Read up on what should be happening and not what is happening.

Best of luck. You heading in the right direction.

Hey Pajama

Sounds like you are learning and starting to get stronger! Sounds like mostly, you just need to stick to your guns - he is off now to a facility, where he will be offered all the tools he needs to recover, if he chooses to commit to it. It is up to him now, in an environment where professionals will look after him and do their utmost professional best to get him in the right direction. The horse has been led to water.

Basically it will mean 3 months of guaranteed peace for you. If I were you, I would think of stuff to do with that time. What can you do with that chaos-free time that would make you happier? That will give you peace, contentment, strength or clarity - or just rest!

My own spouse is coming home next week. Her rehab was only 28 days. If I could travel back in time and advise past me, I would say: no matter what she does, take this time anyway. It has been good to discover what I am like without an alcoholic around.

Whatever you decide about your relationship, just let you intuition be you guide and not your "feelings". Also, I would think it best to stay out of his recovery, i.e. going to AA meetings with him. It should be "his" recovery. He likely needs to find his own way. If he has good counseling, then they will make that apparent to him.

The answer should be that when he goes to AA THEY will support him. You cannot be that person. Your road takes a different path than his, your struggles involve him in a different way, you need your own support.

I caution you that this seems all great now, but he can walk out any time, and many do. I would have a plan tightly in place as the reality is most times relapse is very very common, as you know.

Hugs to you. Take care of YOU.

Thankyou all so much for your replies, and links to further reading. I will examine the links as soon as I finish this.

Everything you all wrote is what I needed. Some of it took me by surprise such as the comment on the willingness to give himself over to others. Yes, absolutely correct. I was aware of that in the back of my mind but couldn't bring it forward.

Also, the cautions...again, thankyou. One thing I do have is a good set of instincts and one good thing about this relationship is that I've had to strongly rely upon and learn to trust those instincts. So, putting things into perspective the way several of you did has given me a good foundation ...or set of boundaries that I can utilize to protect myself. These are areas where my partner and I need to have discussions.

I pretty much know who I am outside of the alcoholic/drug dependency world. i was married to a man who neither drank nor used drugs for 32 years. He died just a few years ago. Because I know this, it's been doubly difficult to be involved in this relationship, and found it relatively easy for me to set it down and live my own life as time went on.

I'm perfectly content with my own company, have enough to do to keep myself busy if that's what I want to do, or just hang out and rest if I feel I need that. While I don't know many people in this city, I know a few who do know a lot so developing social connections isn't a difficult issue. My interests are very diverse which is also a help. If I'm addicted to anything, it's reading and learning. Once a student, always a student lol!

I realized tonight after visiting hours, that like so many others, I desire a truly loving and intimate relationship with my partner. That's what I'm afraid to hope for. Is he capable of that or am I wasting my time and energy. I keep asking myself.

Secondly, I realized out loud that I've been extremely embarrassed with even associating with this man. He has lots of good qualities, but they've been overshadowed by his addiction behaviors which have been impossible for anyone who knows him to tolerate. He's pretty much burned his bridges.

He will be released Sunday Am from detox, and on the 26th this month he will enter a 30 day recovery facility a few hours from here. After release tomorrow, his sponsor will pick him up and they will go to an AA meeting together. His sponsor gave him the big book which I'm very glad for. My partner was touched by his sponsor's gift.

Once again, thank you so very much for your helpful support. It all feels like a safety fence encircling me.

Blessings!

Thank-you all so much for your replies, and links to further reading. I will examine the links as soon as I finish this.

Everything you all wrote is what I needed.

I DO know who I am outside of addiction issues which is part of what makes those issues so difficult for me to deal with. This is a fairly new relationship as I was married to a tea totaler for over 30 years. He died just a few years ago.

My guy has been home for a few days now and I must say he's doing very well. He goes to meetings daily on his own...totally self motivated in that area which is very good. It's good to see that in him, and it's great for me not to have to ''play mama'' so to speak. He's a grown man and is acting like one instead of the tyrannical ''King Baby" he was before. Not that those tendencies aren't there, but tendencies are one thing, actively over doing it is another.

He's also showing good signs of establishing some boundaries with people he's needed to set them with.

One of my fears was in not knowing who is is without active addictions. I didn't know if he was a good guy, or an even bigger tyrant. You know, some folks are uptight and overbearing sober, but loosen up and become quite personable after a few drinks. I've seen him attempt not to drink here and there, and he was miserable.

But something has happened to where he changed his mind. This I HAVE seen before back when he got off crack. He's been in rehab before and he walked out having learned nothing, refusing to apply what they may have tried to teach him. I'm not seeing that now. I'm seeing a man who's mind has changed about some things, and who is applying what he's learning. He said detox actually helped him. One thing that helped was learning that he has a disease. He saw men who were more progressed who experienced injuries as a result of seizures, so he saw where He was headed. His father died of alcoholism, and about a year ago, so did one of his roommates. He saw his future, and decided that's not the future he wants.

He has a 'moment' of grouchiness now and then...which is OK. He's human and wrestling with himself. When he steps over then line I gently call him on it and he stops. Appologizes. When he catches himself doing something he knows is wrong, he corrects himself.

It feels more like the 'normal' life that I'm used to. I hope and pray that he continues on his course.

He will be going to dinner with his sponsor tonight, and then to a meeting. I'm so glad for him because he has a good sponsor, and has some healthy activities to look forward to. He's not in limbo as he would be if he were flying solo. It also gives me breathing space to visit here or just enjoy doing the things I enjoy also.