biminiblue

I would just add that you have made a lucky break.

He is an alcoholic and when he has a few he may try texting you with sweet nothings. He may swear he's quit. He may swear he hasn't had one in a week. Whatever he says, I'm hoping you will not reply to him.

It is always a pursuit, right? He started saying, "Hey, I'll go to therapy!" Really, therapy is a good idea, but he needs a lot of sober time before he'll be a good bet for a boyfriend. I hope you stand on your decision and don't start giving in and giving him chances.

What you see is what you get. Therapy isn't going to fix this in a couple months. Therapy isn't even effective with active alcoholism. The drinking is the problem right now. His troubled childhood (or why-ever he feels a need for therapy) is the least of his problems.

As an alcoholic I can tell you that the order is:

#1. Quit drinking.
#2. Work on your issues.

Haven333

Hi all! Here is an update on my "close friend, started dating him, realized he was an alcoholic, dumped him" tale.

We slipped back into being close friends, like before, relatively easily. We text, one-on-one and in groups, about logistics and stuff everyday and see each other in groups a few times a week.

I don't have a lot of data on his drinking. He mainly drinks in private at home. I know he went to a liquor store two days after our conversation, which had ended with him saying he was going to cut back on drinking to afford a therapist and would like to try dating again if he sobered up. I didn't take that bait, but nevertheless, seeing him buy alcohol just a couple of days after our conversation stung hard.

Today, after a day of playing sports with our friends, someone suggested we buy beer for the train ride back to the city. My ex drank a couple of beers on the train and took a couple back to his apartment. This wasn't weird in context - in short social settings, he drinks like others - but I knew where it was going to go. He likely went home, mixed himself some drinks, and over the course of the evening put back an enormous amount of alcohol, and screw anyone who gets in the way of that.

All this was a little hard for me to witness. Either he couldn't resist the temptation of the beer or chose to drink it in front of me as a power statement. But, I kept repeating to myself "I can't control it." I'm so glad not to be in a romantic relationship with him where maybe I'd try to control it, or get frustrated that I can't control it. He's a dear friend and I care deeply for him and want him to confront this. But, as y'all said here, he can't have a relationship with both me and alcohol, and (no surprise) he chose the alcohol.

Also, about a week ago I decided to stop drinking for a while. I don't think I'm an alcoholic, but learning about alcoholism and problem drinking made me examine my own drinking behavior and decide that it'd be good for me not to have alcohol as part of my life right now. Abstaining is both easy (way easier than gluten or dairy for example) and surprisingly hard (I find myself craving an evening glass of wine). And only one person has asked me about it! It turns out most people really don't notice other people's drinking habits.

Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories, advice and support on this board.

Maudcat

It’s true. Most people don’t notice or care.
I don’t drink at all anymore. My choice.
But I have friends who have “sober days.”
With at least one, her sober day became a sober week, then a sober month.
Always good to put the monster back in the box for a while, even if you don’t regularly overdrink.
Peace.

OpheliaKatz

I agree with this advice. I had a 10-year sentence. It was rough. Now my life is in tatters and I have to put it back together because I didn't walk away when I had doubts. Initially my A was high-functioning, because he was young. Now he's a shell of a human being. There's not much of his old personality left in him.

I'm glad you sort of resolved your story and are looking at your own drinking behavior. I know someone who isn't an alcoholic but decided to stop drinking because she felt she was doing it too much. It didn't change her social life much either. :-)

NYCDoglvr

Tell him to get sober and call you in a year. Alcoholism is progressive; he may be a high functioning alcoholic now (I was too!) but his -- and your -- life will descend into misery. Alanon taught me to avoid alcoholics and other sick people if I want a healthy relationship.