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Well timed therapy appointment

Old 10-12-2017, 07:58 AM
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Well timed therapy appointment

Yesterday I saw ( via online calendar) that my therapist had a rare opening for this am and I booked it. I wasn't sure exactly what I was making it for as I have no current "crisis" just the usual crap I put up with...but I wanted to keep my momentum going as I've been making progress in my own recovery and I'm working on getting the kids into see someone as well and have some guidance questions related to that...

Well this morning AH (not drinking but not in recovery) and I had an ugly exchange. Right out the gates I was made to feel unreasonable and demanding and like the most difficult person to ever deal with. I blew up and flipped him the bird. I stood up for myself but I'm not proud of that part. (Still felt good lol)

What shocks me is that every crappy thing he said about me is completely untrue.. Not even close to my personality. This is fact and anyone who knows me will vouch for that. But I am still sitting here questioning myself. And I am having trouble just 5 minutes later and still an hour later totally recalling the encounter. It was a quick verbal attack that made me feel demanding, unreasonable, bitchy, impatient. What bothers me about it is it:
-Got to me
-Quickly
-I reacted without constraint
-it was completely false
Yet his reality will tell him otherwise
And that is how it is.

I am journaling this here. Thank you.


I gotta get a move on with my exit strategy.

P.s. The Kids and I finally got a reasonable new vehicle - for anyone familiar with my backstory. Small victories evening out my playing field.
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Old 10-12-2017, 08:04 AM
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Congrats on a bit of a positive coincidence in your life Thousandwords!

Sorry the abuse got to you but sounds like you are going to squeeze as much understanding, growth and wisdom as possible. (Here is a sitting ovation for that )

Let us know how it goes!
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Old 10-12-2017, 08:18 AM
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th ousandwords...living, for a long time, under the mantle of a toxic person (regardless of the cause), will, inevitably, erode one's self confidence, self esteem, and, just generally, becomes soul-sucking.....

The fact that you are reacting to his character assignation of you, must mean that you still have a shred of your sense of self left....
Continue to build on that shred!

Good to see your therapist. It would be good if you had a support group...because, it would give you some regular support, in addition to the therapist....Maybe, you could ask the therapist to help you find one....or you could go to alanon...or ACOA....or, any support group recommended by the dv center (you could call them and ask).....
Face to face human support is very powerful.....never underestimate it.....
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Old 10-12-2017, 08:26 AM
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Good for you for seeing your therapist!

If it is any consolation - I still at times question myself after dealing with XAH (along the lines maybe I was too demanding) - and we have been divorced over a year, mind you.....hang in there

Congrats on a new vehicle!
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Old 10-12-2017, 09:00 AM
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LOL...for those who have too little to give...any request, no matter how tiny, is seen as too demanding........
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Old 10-12-2017, 09:06 AM
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Good for you friend. I am glad you have the appointment.

Hugs!
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Old 10-12-2017, 10:22 AM
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we all have triggers....certain things that just set us off. having someone, anyone, go into a useless pointless verbal attack could easily be one!! it is human nature for either Fight or Flight. you stood your ground and chose Fight.

but those words he said GOT to you. you still give them weight and power. maybe i should rephrase that, you have not YET reclaimed ALL your power and therefore the things he says still have the ability to HURT you. it takes time and discipline to retrain our responses. it would be very beneficial to have space, great vast amounts of it, from the abuser. and your exit strategy will help you get there.
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Old 10-12-2017, 07:13 PM
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Thousandwords, not only are our spouses twins but maybe we are. I have had those same feelings after exchanges I have with husband. Now, I am living for only my children and myself. I can't leave immediately due to situations. I am biding my time. I think spouse can detect my different attitude but hasn't put the pieces together. I finally got to the point I simply don't care.
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Old 10-12-2017, 07:24 PM
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I think it's a good sign that you can step back (after the moment has passed) and analyze your own reaction to it. You seem to have a pretty good sense of why his words affect you the way they do, even though you don't believe them. I note that you said it made you feel like you were bitchy and unreasonable, not that you are bitchy and unreasonable.

I think it takes a while for our understanding of the "why" of our reactions our intellect (where we understand it) to our emotions (which haven't yet got the memo). It's only been in the last six months that I've stopped having a minor panic attack every time I see a text from my ex, and I haven't lived with him in nearly six years.

Keep thinking and analyzing and talking it over with insightful people like your therapist. It sounds like you are well on your way to greater freedom (in your new vehicle!).
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
th ousandwords...living, for a long time, under the mantle of a toxic person (regardless of the cause), will, inevitably, erode one's self confidence, self esteem, and, just generally, becomes soul-sucking.....

The fact that you are reacting to his character assignation of you, must mean that you still have a shred of your sense of self left....
Continue to build on that shred!


Good to see your therapist. It would be good if you had a support group...because, it would give you some regular support, in addition to the therapist....Maybe, you could ask the therapist to help you find one....or you could go to alanon...or ACOA....or, any support group recommended by the dv center (you could call them and ask).....
Face to face human support is very powerful.....never underestimate it.....

Thank you Dandy, all of you, for the replies. I'm building myself up, and have worked on my own recovery for a few years now. This is causing our current problems...as I'm not the wife he has been used to....my sense of self is stronger than it has ever been. I no longer allow things to fly and I voice my opinion, ...I have interests and focus in other areas of my life other than him...which I do not think he likes haha.


I had a great appointment Friday and even had a follow up one today for her to review my parenting plan. I am still working through what my plan is exactly...I am feeling terrible guilt for still wanting to end this marriage..but I am aware of it. She reassured me I am doing very well and doing things for the right reasons, that I have come a long way since my first visit on her couch.

I just want to wiggle my nose and be on the other side of this huge mountain I am climbing. One day at a time.
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:59 PM
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th ousandwords....I am going to ask this because I am curious.....I wonder if you come from a place where divorce is seen as a stigma of some sort?
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Old 10-16-2017, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
th ousandwords....I am going to ask this because I am curious.....I wonder if you come from a place where divorce is seen as a stigma of some sort?
I would say so, my father is ACOA and from a broken/mixed family home. There is value placed onto the traditional life scenario. AH places strong value on marriage and traditional roles. I, myself, have strong values in love and happiness and nurturing...but have very fluid ideas of what "family" may look like. I do worry about being perceived as anything other than doing/being "good" or "right"...
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Old 10-16-2017, 04:01 PM
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thousandwords....lol...I thought that might be the case. One just has to develop enough self esteem that you care more about what you know is right FOR YOU...than what the outside world may think.....
There is also a difference in being from a broken home, than living in one.
I don't think anyone is for breaking up a good home....just against living in one that is already broken......
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Old 10-16-2017, 04:27 PM
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Originally Posted by dandylion View Post
thousandwords....lol...I thought that might be the case. One just has to develop enough self esteem that you care more about what you know is right FOR YOU...than what the outside world may think.....
There is also a difference in being from a broken home, than living in one.
I don't think anyone is for breaking up a good home....just against living in one that is already broken......
Yes and yes. Correctamundo once again.

And your words are right, this is why I slowly continue to plan this divorce...I also have a huge problem with really really REALLY desiring him to "get it" ...to acknowledge that our fundamental differences will never give either of us the spouse we want out of each other. I need to let go of other's thoughts and focus on my own. I am doing the right thing and I truly do know this. It is just hard.
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Old 10-17-2017, 12:28 AM
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Sending you best wishes thousand words, you are making really good progress with this extremely difficult situation - keep at it
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