Do I tell his family?
 

I, am new here. like many others, I have a long "story." To sum it up for now, my DH has been hiding and swigging from booze bottles off and on for ten years. I'm guessing it was probably mostly on, and I was too busy to look for it or didn't notice during certain times. I have never mentioned anything about it to his family (mother and sister) as there is nothing they can do about it. I also felt like that would be a betrayal to him. Things are coming to a head now, and my tolerance of the situation is changing; I have changed. I'm now wondering whether I am making the right decision in keeping it quiet???

What difference would them knowing make?

If he doesn't want to stop he will not. Things will keep getting worse. Has he actually asked you to keep his drinking secret, or has it just turned into something that you felt transferred shame over?

Unless they have some experience of alcoholism I suspect that you would get more support from AlAnon or similar.

When you say things have come to a head do you mean you are leaving him?

BB

BB asks some very good questions.

as with anything, we must first resolve what is OUR motivation for a proposed action. you already stated there is nothing THEY can do about HIS problem, any more than you. chances are good that this isn't as big a secret as you think it is......unless he has lived on a different continent from his family for the past ten years and has very limited contact, it's likely his mother and sister are not completely in the dark.
but then again, they may be unaware and they may wish to STAY THAT WAY.

putting him and his family aside for a moment, now that you have come to accept that he does have a drinking problem, what do you need to do FOR you? what support are you getting? what steps are you taking? remember to airplane rule and put on your own oxygen mask FIRST!!!!

They do have experience with addiction, and no he hasn't asked me to keep it secret. I was reading some older threads, and people had varying opinions. Sometimes I wonder if I have done him a disservice by keeping it quiet. I didn't really come to grips (or acknowledge it) with the gravity of the problem until 2 1/2 years ago.

I think I have decided that I can't live this way. It changes who I am, and I can't be the way I want to be in this situation. I was able to live outside of it for awhile, and that was quite the eye opener for me. As far as leaving, I have no friends or family support nearby. I am trying to prepare myself for a future exit

They actually do not know. We haven't been living near family. My motivation came from reading some different threads. Some suggested that it's better to talk about it now rather than to drop a bomb later. Honestly, I don't think I would ever discuss a reason for separation with his family.

I did have some Individual counseling last year, and I was able to secure a half way decent job which starts next month. I was a stay at home mom and then was underemployed, so I'm working on a career and financial independence right now.

Clover - I am sorry you are in this situation.

All I can share is my experience. I engaged my STBXAH's family about his problem (which they all knew and have issues themselves) because a part of me thought they could help and they didn't and they couldn't and he is back living closer to them and they all probably drink together in their dysfunctional alcoholic family.

I guess the question is why do you want to tell them? Are you looking for their help to help him? Are you looking for them to give you support?

Perhaps once you get to the root of what outcome you're seeking, it will help you decide what to do next.

Clover....if you say that you would never discuss a reason for separation with his family...well, that answers your question, doesn't it?

To my way of thinking....this decision is sooo scenario dependent.....

Probably a bit of everything, and perhaps feeling a bit desperate - all the things "we" all ask ourselves - the what if I had done this or that, etc. I don't really talk to them unless I have to do so. They know there is a problem in the marriage but are unaware of what that problem is. His mother has asked my family members. I will be in town this weekend, and I will have to see them which is why this came up now.

I really believe there is at minimum depression if not mental illness going on. His father is mentally ill. I thought perhaps there was "hope" a few months ago, but that has faded.

I apologize. My head is really all over the place right now.

I say tell them if you are close with them, but I say it for a different reason. When your qualifier is an addict, it can be a lonely road. For myself, when I began to tell the truth about my XAH's addiction, it gained ME a support system I desperately needed. He got mad, but at that point I was beyond caring. A boundary I created for myself was that I would be honest going forward to our families and friends, I needed that.

No need to apologise Clover.

Often when I come on here I feel the same - then as I type I start kind of sifting through all that stuff in a different way to when I internalise it.

I think most people suffering from active alcoholism are depressed - alcohol is a depressant after all. Then comes the whole cause & effect confusion (eg I believed that I drank because my life was rubbish and I was a horrible person - actually my life was rubbish and I was a horrible person because I was drinking alcoholically and thereby refusing to take responsibility for myself). I always think of it as being stuck in a vortex or insane thinking and rationalising. It was hard to realise that I NEEDED to get out of it, and then hard to do it and rebuild my lfe and get to know who I was sober - there was no way I'd have managed it unless I was desperate to do so.

Also, you know, this information has no sell-by date on it. Just because you'll be seeing them, doesn't mean you've got to make your decision for that date. I'd suggest just deciding in your own time. If you want to test the water you could mention that you've been worried that he's drinking too much. You don't need to throw in the 'A' word.

Good luck whatever you decide to do.
I hope you can build a network of support for yourself. It makes such a difference.

BB

I got that when I finally told a few family members and made a close friend whom I could speak to about private matters. She was actually in a similar circumstance 10 years ago, and she last year just moved out. I'm not as close to one of my siblings anymore, and I suspect it is because she disagreed with my decision to move after he accepted a new job.

I have been where you are and I know exactly how you feel. If you think talking to them about it is going to help YOU and give you additional support then perhaps it is a good idea?

In my experience, his family was no help to HIM. Nor were they help for me.

Wishing you peace of mind!

Clover,

My personal opinion is "no". Here is my experience with telling the in-laws what's up:
Any time I've ever approached my in-laws for help with my AH (he cares deeply about how they view him), they have taken his side and enabled him and *I* have been made out to be the a-hole.

Now...a few weeks ago AH got so drunk he fell face-first into our koi pond and I had to call FIL for help in getting him out. They got to see for themselves first-hand what kind of state their son is in and there was no denying it or blaming it on me.

Your son is a big boy, so if his parents want to know what the problem is in the marriage, they should go to him. He can either man up and admit his problem, or he can weasel around it and make it out to be your fault. He will eventually give himself away, though.

Hi

If the family doesnt know then this would need time to sink in if they believed it from day one and you would be a bearer of bad news so to speak. Not a flattering light to be held in. Families of addicts are often in denial or bury skeletons away so it doesnt exist.

Addicts are convincing story spinners and secret keepers. They are not however capable of it in the longrun. The family will catch on when there is no Codie to play crisis manager on call.

If I had to choose somewhere to put my effort in then I would rather focus on building my future as addict proof as possible then convincing an addicts family of his doings.

Actually, I like Berrybean's suggestion, a lot.....

I talked to now axh mom about his drinking. It didn't get me anywhere. Her comments are "everyone smokes pot".... blah blah. Her husband was an alcoholic so she was a typical codie.

Did it help me, no not really. But if you feel they will support you and you feel they need to know, that is your decision. If you feel they will support you and get angry at their son, I don't really think that will happen. They will enable him more, as we all try and "help" our addict. Good luck with your decision.