Feeling confused about being with alcoholic boyfriend.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
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Feeling confused about being with alcoholic boyfriend.
Hello I'm new here I don't really don't know where to begin. I'm in a relationship with guy I've been seeing for year.We'll just call him Jay. I met him at a bar ironically where we laughed,chit chatted and exchanged numbers. Things seemed normal at first with him. All of our dates consisted of us going to bars together getting drunk going back home and having sex which started out as fling. We later started becoming serious with each other and started dating but I didn't realize that the basis of our relationship involved around drinking until later. I drink but I don't consider my drinking to be the problem. He drinks morning noon and night like a fish.He puts gin in his coffee to work, he carries a flask around him all of the time. He gets drunk at inappropriate times, I never forget he invited me to his sisters wedding and he actually showed up completely wasted. It was really embarrassing.He posts pictures of him on facebook and online drinking, showing his bottles as if it's cool and all of his friends and family think it's so cute and funny,it's kind of disturbing.
He's not a mean drunk, he's very fun to be around when he does drink. I notice when we aren't drinking he's not as affectionate with me and appears quite aloof and cold with me until I bring up that I'm going to the liquor store to get us a drink. I'm going to sound pathetic but I like him when he's drunk.. He tells me that he loves me and he seems to be a nicer person under the influence and ironically for some reason I'm drawn to that and I don't know why. My self esteem seems shot because the only time he really seems into me is when he's tipsy or drunk so I don't even know if he really wants me. I tell him all the time when he's sober that does he love me and he says that his drinking doesn't effect the way he feels about me. Deep down I know this is unhealthy but I do care about him. The final straw for me is that a month ago, he confessed to me that he went to bar got drunk and had one night stand with some random girl which really bothered me. We fought about it but then made up but after him telling me about what he did, I do know his problem is deep.. For some reason I can't find the strength to walk away. Hes like the only person that's close to me.
He's not a mean drunk, he's very fun to be around when he does drink. I notice when we aren't drinking he's not as affectionate with me and appears quite aloof and cold with me until I bring up that I'm going to the liquor store to get us a drink. I'm going to sound pathetic but I like him when he's drunk.. He tells me that he loves me and he seems to be a nicer person under the influence and ironically for some reason I'm drawn to that and I don't know why. My self esteem seems shot because the only time he really seems into me is when he's tipsy or drunk so I don't even know if he really wants me. I tell him all the time when he's sober that does he love me and he says that his drinking doesn't effect the way he feels about me. Deep down I know this is unhealthy but I do care about him. The final straw for me is that a month ago, he confessed to me that he went to bar got drunk and had one night stand with some random girl which really bothered me. We fought about it but then made up but after him telling me about what he did, I do know his problem is deep.. For some reason I can't find the strength to walk away. Hes like the only person that's close to me.
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Location: Chicago
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Hm. His drinking may not affect the way he feels about you, but it certainly affects his ability to be a present partner. You certainly deserve someone who genuinely appreciates you all the time.
You also deserve someone who doesn't cheat on you.
Lots of us with self-esteem issues are drawn to emotionally unavailable people who periodically love-bomb us and make us feel amazing (kind of a like a drug). I learned the hard way that the only person who could build my self-esteem was me, and that I wasn't going to do it as long as I kept chasing relationships with unhealthy people who treated me terribly except for the ever-increasingly rare occasions where they let me have my "drug" -- overwhelming affection, flattery and attention. And then when I came down, I was still sad, still empty, and, very often feeling confused because I wanted my relationship to be different than it was, and I wasn't willing to face reality.
I went to therapy to work through my self-esteem issues. It made a world of difference in my life.
You also deserve someone who doesn't cheat on you.
Lots of us with self-esteem issues are drawn to emotionally unavailable people who periodically love-bomb us and make us feel amazing (kind of a like a drug). I learned the hard way that the only person who could build my self-esteem was me, and that I wasn't going to do it as long as I kept chasing relationships with unhealthy people who treated me terribly except for the ever-increasingly rare occasions where they let me have my "drug" -- overwhelming affection, flattery and attention. And then when I came down, I was still sad, still empty, and, very often feeling confused because I wanted my relationship to be different than it was, and I wasn't willing to face reality.
I went to therapy to work through my self-esteem issues. It made a world of difference in my life.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by SheliaE 
Deep down I know this is unhealthy but I do care about him. The final straw for me is that a month ago, he confessed to me that he went to bar got drunk and had one night stand with some random girl which really bothered me. We fought about it but then made up but after him telling me about what he did, I do know his problem is deep.. For some reason I can't find the strength to walk away. Hes like the only person that's close to me.
A few parts of your post really jumped out at me:
"Deep down I know this is unhealthy" - Please listen to the little internal voice. I did not listen to mine and I regret it.
"he confessed to me that he went to bar got drunk and had one night stand with some random girl which really bothered me. " Of course it bothered you! Why wouldn't it?! You have every right to be more than bothered by this behavior.
" I do know his problem is deep." I am happy you understand that his problem is deep, the key word in that sentence is "his." It took me a long time to realize that it was my STBXAH's problem to solve too, not MY problem. I spent 9 years trying to "help" him and he is now my STBXAH.
"For some reason I can't find the strength to walk away." -I wish you strength and comfort to do what's in you heart.
"Hes like the only person that's close to me." - Please come back here when you need support. I hope you can find other places for support Alanon. Find a good therapist. You're NOT alone. I promise you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
S,
I am sorry thst you have had to reach out..Your boyfriend has an alcohol problem. He currently is your boyfriend and you are not married or have children with him, yet. You are on this forum one year into this relationship. The red flags are up, believe the red flags.
Imo I would write this relationship off as a learning experience on what you don't want in a relationship. Cut ties and move on in life, you cant save him. Sorry for being so tough, but life will not get any easier.
If you want to read what your future will hold read all over this forum, at five years, 20 years 30 years and that would be me at 34 years. It is very ugly. Get some support, educate yourself about addiction and run. I'm sorry I cant offer loving hope for you and your boyfriend. It hurts and will continue to hurt loving an addict. Hugs!!
I am sorry thst you have had to reach out..Your boyfriend has an alcohol problem. He currently is your boyfriend and you are not married or have children with him, yet. You are on this forum one year into this relationship. The red flags are up, believe the red flags.
Imo I would write this relationship off as a learning experience on what you don't want in a relationship. Cut ties and move on in life, you cant save him. Sorry for being so tough, but life will not get any easier.
If you want to read what your future will hold read all over this forum, at five years, 20 years 30 years and that would be me at 34 years. It is very ugly. Get some support, educate yourself about addiction and run. I'm sorry I cant offer loving hope for you and your boyfriend. It hurts and will continue to hurt loving an addict. Hugs!!
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Location: maine
Posts: 1,548
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Hm. His drinking may not affect the way he feels about you, but it certainly affects his ability to be a present partner. You certainly deserve someone who genuinely appreciates you all the time.
You also deserve someone who doesn't cheat on you.
Lots of us with self-esteem issues are drawn to emotionally unavailable people
You also deserve someone who doesn't cheat on you.
Lots of us with self-esteem issues are drawn to emotionally unavailable people
There are worse things than being alone. Being legally and morally connected to someone who makes you home life sad, chaotic and/or emotionally draining is much worse. Imagine coming home to your boyfriend and home isn't a place to rest or recharge. It's just a place to deal with more rubbish.
Are you dating for funsies, or are you at a point where you're looking for a life partner?
If he drinks as much as you say, it's just a matter of time before he gets a DWI.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi
What you describe you like about jay and the time with him involves him being intoxicated. If this is the side you are getting to know only and the side you say is fun and more loving and frequent (to a point - he cheated on you also while influenced - really something to consider very seriously) then to carry on feeling that way would mean you being in his presence around alcohol constantly. Really a terrible recipe for long term relantionship happiness.
Love is a two way street and should make us feel good not sad and confused. At the moment its minimising his behaviour when the bar isnt very high to begin with e.g. How many people create an embarrassing drunk incident at a wedding? Will your and jays be the next wedding situation? Take note at the signs he is very clearly showing you.
Please use this time spent with him as a learning tool and make notes of negative experiences and how you truly feel inside and use it to make better choices later in life.
What you describe you like about jay and the time with him involves him being intoxicated. If this is the side you are getting to know only and the side you say is fun and more loving and frequent (to a point - he cheated on you also while influenced - really something to consider very seriously) then to carry on feeling that way would mean you being in his presence around alcohol constantly. Really a terrible recipe for long term relantionship happiness.
Love is a two way street and should make us feel good not sad and confused. At the moment its minimising his behaviour when the bar isnt very high to begin with e.g. How many people create an embarrassing drunk incident at a wedding? Will your and jays be the next wedding situation? Take note at the signs he is very clearly showing you.
Please use this time spent with him as a learning tool and make notes of negative experiences and how you truly feel inside and use it to make better choices later in life.
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