I miss him, but I don't want him back.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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I miss him, but I don't want him back.
It's been almost 3 weeks since I broke things off wit axbf. I blocked him everywhere, but part of me wanted to hear from him; part of me dreamed of him trying to make amends with me. I don't know if he ever loved me. I don't think I can trust his word. I felt loved for a few times... He wasn't always mean, or disrespectful. He didn't always ignore me or my feelings, he didn't always put the drink first. I enjoyed those times and it's hard for me to let go. I miss his "nice" side. I wish it was easier to let go.
That said, at this point I wouldn't take him back, as I could never trust him again and it would be too damaging for me to "hope for the best" when he has already clearly shown me who he is: a 30 year old man who wants everything to come easy, an irresponsible person who spends a lot of money on stuff for him and on his drinking (who doesn't know how to save up money at all, and who still asks his parents for money). A person who tries to blame me and run at the slightest sign of trouble in the relationship. A person who would rather charm other people and make them believe I'm evil rather than treat me right and admit his mistakes. A grown man who lives for the day. A person who becomes mean and hateful in seconds when confronted about his mistreatment towards me.
He is still one of the most interesting, intelligent and talented people I have ever met... And he was once good and caring towards me. So it's just hard, but I just know, deep down, it wasn't going to get any better. And I want to achieve a lot of dreams and goals that I probably wouldn't achieved had I stayed with him, because it felt as if he needed a girl who would make him and his needs the absolute center of her world. I may love a lot of things about him, but I just can't do that to myself. I aspire for equality and respect in a romantic relationship...
I am lucky to have found a group of friends who are respectful and caring towards me. I never wanted to settle for any less than that. So why would I settle for a love that was making me depressed and confused?
I do miss him. I miss that "good side" and that "love" he sometimes gave that I will never know if it was real or not. I miss him. I just don't want him back.
He definitely has issues with alcohol and maybe other issues as well.
I wish him the best. He was very important to me. I just don't want him to be in my life if he's going to treat me badly.
That said, at this point I wouldn't take him back, as I could never trust him again and it would be too damaging for me to "hope for the best" when he has already clearly shown me who he is: a 30 year old man who wants everything to come easy, an irresponsible person who spends a lot of money on stuff for him and on his drinking (who doesn't know how to save up money at all, and who still asks his parents for money). A person who tries to blame me and run at the slightest sign of trouble in the relationship. A person who would rather charm other people and make them believe I'm evil rather than treat me right and admit his mistakes. A grown man who lives for the day. A person who becomes mean and hateful in seconds when confronted about his mistreatment towards me.
He is still one of the most interesting, intelligent and talented people I have ever met... And he was once good and caring towards me. So it's just hard, but I just know, deep down, it wasn't going to get any better. And I want to achieve a lot of dreams and goals that I probably wouldn't achieved had I stayed with him, because it felt as if he needed a girl who would make him and his needs the absolute center of her world. I may love a lot of things about him, but I just can't do that to myself. I aspire for equality and respect in a romantic relationship...
I am lucky to have found a group of friends who are respectful and caring towards me. I never wanted to settle for any less than that. So why would I settle for a love that was making me depressed and confused?
I do miss him. I miss that "good side" and that "love" he sometimes gave that I will never know if it was real or not. I miss him. I just don't want him back.
He definitely has issues with alcohol and maybe other issues as well.
I wish him the best. He was very important to me. I just don't want him to be in my life if he's going to treat me badly.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Originally Posted by Nola0250 
I could have written this! I feel exactly the same way about mine. Except I’m pushing 50 and just finally got myself together to get out. Good for you!
Thanks for your support
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Timetoheal....trust me...there are tons of interesting, intelligent, and, talented men in this world who treat women with respect, caring and sensitivity....and, you never have to ask whether it is "real or not?"
You are spending more time thinking about him than he probably deserves.....
You are spending more time thinking about him than he probably deserves.....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
tth, as Nola said, I could have written much of your post too, and I'm 57! It's great to see that you realized something wasn't right and got help in deciding what to do at 24 years old instead of wasting years of your life on someone who'd never be the partner you wanted and deserved.
I missed XAH terribly at first, and even sometimes a little bit now, 2 years after the end of a 19-year marriage. However, like you, I do not want him back. The only thing that has changed that I can see at this point is that he's 2 years deeper into his alcoholism...actually, most times when I think of him now, I feel sad for him rather than lonesome.
You have done really well for yourself, and I feel certain life holds a lot of great things for you!
I missed XAH terribly at first, and even sometimes a little bit now, 2 years after the end of a 19-year marriage. However, like you, I do not want him back. The only thing that has changed that I can see at this point is that he's 2 years deeper into his alcoholism...actually, most times when I think of him now, I feel sad for him rather than lonesome.
You have done really well for yourself, and I feel certain life holds a lot of great things for you!
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I feel this way too. I'm middle aged, having spent most of my adult life with my (ex)AH. I miss him but don't want him back, because the life we had was no life at all. He was selfish and so irresponsible that I had to look up soup kitchens when we were together. It's sad that his fate has been so terrible, but I don't have to follow him.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi time
Your post speaks to me.
I was with someone who had great too. But I told myself he was the only person out there because what we had was "so special and felt so good" . I honestly never really gave any else a chance to show me better.
I also never allowed him to be accountable to myself for when he did act up. I always brushed it off in my mind. Because again we were in it long haul. Off course that what I told myself.
I was miserable when I
Your post speaks to me.
I was with someone who had great too. But I told myself he was the only person out there because what we had was "so special and felt so good" . I honestly never really gave any else a chance to show me better.
I also never allowed him to be accountable to myself for when he did act up. I always brushed it off in my mind. Because again we were in it long haul. Off course that what I told myself.
I was miserable when I
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
I was miserable when I finally broke up with him. I tool years to get over him. I cried and cried and was hurt and angry
I secretly wished prince charming would come save me. He didnt. In fact he turned nasty and treated me like I didn't exist.
I slowed down on my feeling for him. I realised I am allowed to love as much or as little as I want but I don't have to allow him to influence my life. Or to be part of my life. I loved him from a distance. I didn't need to tell him how I felt. It was my business to work through. And he would've just used my feelings to convince me to let him in again so he could be his old self and I could be my sad old unhappy self.
I also thought to myself that he was a handful and that I was actually lucky if another girl got to deal with that and not me. But I still cared for him. Still do. Nothing wrong with that.
I do realise he didn't do much to please me - he pleased himself more - so the next guy has a great starting point. there are plenty of guys that are decent and loving and not an addict that have my qualities as I am today on their list and I'm keeping a space in my life to let that person in if we ever do meet.
I secretly wished prince charming would come save me. He didnt. In fact he turned nasty and treated me like I didn't exist.
I slowed down on my feeling for him. I realised I am allowed to love as much or as little as I want but I don't have to allow him to influence my life. Or to be part of my life. I loved him from a distance. I didn't need to tell him how I felt. It was my business to work through. And he would've just used my feelings to convince me to let him in again so he could be his old self and I could be my sad old unhappy self.
I also thought to myself that he was a handful and that I was actually lucky if another girl got to deal with that and not me. But I still cared for him. Still do. Nothing wrong with that.
I do realise he didn't do much to please me - he pleased himself more - so the next guy has a great starting point. there are plenty of guys that are decent and loving and not an addict that have my qualities as I am today on their list and I'm keeping a space in my life to let that person in if we ever do meet.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Today, he sent me an email.
(He is blocked everywhere else, but I don't know how to block him there). Today he sent me this email explaining how he only wanted us to be apart for a while and see how things went in the future. He told me he has many mental health issues as well as a drinking issue (he once told me he was an alcoholic) and he admitted that he isn't willing to change his relationship with alcohol any time soon. He also told me that he cares a lot about me and that I'm the best person he has ever met, but that he feels like I deserve much better than him.
Why do I feel rejected? Why, if I was the one who broke things off with him? Why, if even according to his email I "deserve better"?
Why do I worry about him treating someone else better than he treated me?
Why do I feel all these things?
Why do I feel rejected? Why, if I was the one who broke things off with him? Why, if even according to his email I "deserve better"?
Why do I worry about him treating someone else better than he treated me?
Why do I feel all these things?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Timetoheal....I think it has to do with bonding. You bonded to him and invested your hopes and dreams in him. We don't always bond with those that are good for us. When the relationship has to be ended...the bonds have to be broken. That is a very painful process. Mother nature has arranged for all of this, for very good reasons, having to do with the propagation of the species....
Severing the bonds results in grieving...which I think you are doing, basically.
That might not be your whole story, but I suspect that it is the m ajority of it...
There may be other issues going on, such as low self esteem, self image, etc....
Grieving a loss as large as this takes several weeks to months, for most people....Usually, the one year mark is a major turning point where it becomes more like past history, and is not in the front of your mind.....
Now, I have been around, long enough to know that I could make explanations all day long, and you will still say,,,,"But, I am still hurting".
It takes time to get over a broken romance that meant a lot to you (whether it was good for you or not).......that is just the way it is.
I think you are making a mistake by not totally blocking him. You will sllde back with every contact or piece of "information".....
You must find a way to block him, completely. Place him in your trash folder ...and delete the trash without ever reading any of it.
Tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. Let everyone know that you will not listen to anything about him.....
It might be fun to google "the psychology of bonding" and read up on it......
Severing the bonds results in grieving...which I think you are doing, basically.
That might not be your whole story, but I suspect that it is the m ajority of it...
There may be other issues going on, such as low self esteem, self image, etc....
Grieving a loss as large as this takes several weeks to months, for most people....Usually, the one year mark is a major turning point where it becomes more like past history, and is not in the front of your mind.....
Now, I have been around, long enough to know that I could make explanations all day long, and you will still say,,,,"But, I am still hurting".
It takes time to get over a broken romance that meant a lot to you (whether it was good for you or not).......that is just the way it is.
I think you are making a mistake by not totally blocking him. You will sllde back with every contact or piece of "information".....
You must find a way to block him, completely. Place him in your trash folder ...and delete the trash without ever reading any of it.
Tell your friends that you don't want to hear anything about him. Let everyone know that you will not listen to anything about him.....
It might be fun to google "the psychology of bonding" and read up on it......
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 88
Hi time
He is doing you a favor although your heart is hurting now and you feel the opposite. Give yourself time.
Try and make it through - day by day. Tiny tiny baby steps. Thats all.
Look up love addiction and attachment trauma. Symptoms and coping strategies. Even if not the case for you it will bring up some factors that will help you look at this differently.
Also don't keep in contact or reminders by looking at old pics, messages, emails etc. Block or delete. If he gets curious and reaches out to "catch up" dont do it. Make it clear you are not interested. Help him to help you move on. Dont make space for him to slide back in.
If your leg had a huge open wound you would not poke a stick in it every now and again you would cover it and leave it alone to heal - the same goes for our feelings. Protect your heart and mind.
He is doing you a favor although your heart is hurting now and you feel the opposite. Give yourself time.
Try and make it through - day by day. Tiny tiny baby steps. Thats all.
Look up love addiction and attachment trauma. Symptoms and coping strategies. Even if not the case for you it will bring up some factors that will help you look at this differently.
Also don't keep in contact or reminders by looking at old pics, messages, emails etc. Block or delete. If he gets curious and reaches out to "catch up" dont do it. Make it clear you are not interested. Help him to help you move on. Dont make space for him to slide back in.
If your leg had a huge open wound you would not poke a stick in it every now and again you would cover it and leave it alone to heal - the same goes for our feelings. Protect your heart and mind.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TTH,
It says it all in this one sentence. Put this on a banner all over your house!!
"he admitted that he isn't willing to change his relationship with alcohol any time soon. "
I don't think he could have said it any clearer. You need to move on. Hugs!!
It says it all in this one sentence. Put this on a banner all over your house!!
"he admitted that he isn't willing to change his relationship with alcohol any time soon. "
I don't think he could have said it any clearer. You need to move on. Hugs!!
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