Everything a fight?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Everything a fight?
Does anyone out there have experience divorcing an alcoholic spouse where everything and I mean everything is a fight?
My STBXAH makes demands of me, i.e. bring me this or give me that, and expects me to jump. I do anything or ask for anything and it's always "no."
I filed over a year ago and he is unwilling to agree on anything, costing us thousands of dollars.
My current issue is that it's open enrollment for healthcare and I've been paying for him for a year while he has a job where he can get his own healthcare. I told him that I would be dropping him and he should make arrangements with his employer and he said "no."
Any advice?
My STBXAH makes demands of me, i.e. bring me this or give me that, and expects me to jump. I do anything or ask for anything and it's always "no."
I filed over a year ago and he is unwilling to agree on anything, costing us thousands of dollars.
My current issue is that it's open enrollment for healthcare and I've been paying for him for a year while he has a job where he can get his own healthcare. I told him that I would be dropping him and he should make arrangements with his employer and he said "no."
Any advice?
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Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Can you keep him signed up through the end of the year and let him know that's the end of it?
What you don't want to have happen is him get into a huge expensive accident or illness while you're still married. Not to be cold, but his finances are your finances until the decree is signed and there are plenty of creditors who won't stop at that point, either.
What does your lawyer say?
As for "no," isn't he just precious?
What you don't want to have happen is him get into a huge expensive accident or illness while you're still married. Not to be cold, but his finances are your finances until the decree is signed and there are plenty of creditors who won't stop at that point, either.
What does your lawyer say?
As for "no," isn't he just precious?
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Can you keep him signed up through the end of the year and let him know that's the end of it?
What you don't want to have happen is him get into a huge expensive accident or illness while you're still married. Not to be cold, but his finances are your finances until the decree is signed and there are plenty of creditors who won't stop at that point, either.
What does your lawyer say?
As for "no," isn't he just precious?
What you don't want to have happen is him get into a huge expensive accident or illness while you're still married. Not to be cold, but his finances are your finances until the decree is signed and there are plenty of creditors who won't stop at that point, either.
What does your lawyer say?
As for "no," isn't he just precious?
If you don't have an attorney, things can get muddled - but his health care is not her concern if they are legally separated. At least that's how I understood it. But then, I got divorced four months after he moved out - and he took me off all the insurance without telling me, like in the fist month after he moved out. Only way I found out was the note-holder on my auto loan contacted me.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Yes, I do have an attorney and divorce with someone contesting the divorce definitely can take a year....the next step is me asking the judge for a trial. He contests EVERYTHING out of spite.
My lawyer has also told me that I definitely don't want to drop him and then the accident health scenario that is very likely given his history .....
UGH! I just want to be DONE and yet we have a child so I never will be.
It never ends...
My lawyer has also told me that I definitely don't want to drop him and then the accident health scenario that is very likely given his history .....
UGH! I just want to be DONE and yet we have a child so I never will be.
It never ends...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, BAW81. My attorney also advised me to keep AXH on my insurance through the divorce process since I hadn't taken him off before I filed. (We'd been living separately, but not legally separated, for a few years.) I can't think of much that felt better than walking down to HR with the decree to fill out the paperwork to take him off. (Well, maybe going to DMV after the social security office to formally change my name... ) But I specifically recall "Not paying for your a** anymore." running through my head like a little song as I rode down the elevator to see HR.
After that it was all his responsibility. And if he thought (like AXH did) that he didn't need health insurance, then that was on him as well. Not my circus, not my monkeys. What was flippin hilarious is that during the divorce AXH actually said he didn't need his own health insurance; though, he apparently needed mine because he used it during the divorce proceedings and tried to use it again after it was cancelled.
After that it was all his responsibility. And if he thought (like AXH did) that he didn't need health insurance, then that was on him as well. Not my circus, not my monkeys. What was flippin hilarious is that during the divorce AXH actually said he didn't need his own health insurance; though, he apparently needed mine because he used it during the divorce proceedings and tried to use it again after it was cancelled.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
is it necessary for you to have communication with him directly about this stuff? shouldn't it be handled by your attorneys?
i have been divorced twice - fortunately both were amicable and we even used the same attorney. i just wanted to be done, as quickly and painlessly as possible. neither husbands were active alcoholics, i should add.
a year of this crap is long enough (isn't it???). i would get as efficient and neutral as possible - do not ask....STATE. what's the saying from The Godfather? It's not personal, it's business. i am NOT saying let him have his way and you get the short end of the stick. but has being nice and appeasing really gotten you any traction?
i have been divorced twice - fortunately both were amicable and we even used the same attorney. i just wanted to be done, as quickly and painlessly as possible. neither husbands were active alcoholics, i should add.
a year of this crap is long enough (isn't it???). i would get as efficient and neutral as possible - do not ask....STATE. what's the saying from The Godfather? It's not personal, it's business. i am NOT saying let him have his way and you get the short end of the stick. but has being nice and appeasing really gotten you any traction?
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I don't know if this is possible, but could you calculate how much it's going to cost you to keep him on your benefits and put this into the financial settling-up of the divorce? In other words, if it costs you $X to keep him after you gave him the option to seek his own health insurance and he said no, that $X would be deducted out of his share of the marital assets (or deducted from your share of the marital debts, if the net assets are less than $0)? This should be a communication between lawyers, not between you and ex.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
For what it's worth, my alcoholic ex pulled some remarkable financial maneuvers. In my divorce, he tried to include the ongoing costs of sessions with his New Age "dream analyst" in the property settlement because it was necessary health care.
In his divorce from ex-wife #2, he claimed that three fabric hangings from rural south Asia he had acquired from ex-wife #1 (that would be me), which were remaining in the house that X2 was keeping, were "museum quality" and worth thousands of dollars each. X2 contacted me and I told her we bought them from some fellow selling them on the side of the road for $US20.
In his divorce from ex-wife #2, he claimed that three fabric hangings from rural south Asia he had acquired from ex-wife #1 (that would be me), which were remaining in the house that X2 was keeping, were "museum quality" and worth thousands of dollars each. X2 contacted me and I told her we bought them from some fellow selling them on the side of the road for $US20.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by BAW81
Yes, I do have an attorney and divorce with someone contesting the divorce definitely can take a year....the next step is me asking the judge for a trial. He contests EVERYTHING out of spite.
It never ends...
It never ends...
Mine took 3 years. It went from an agreed to Marital Separation Agreement that we had both agreed to in writing, to her taking it to an attorney to "look it over".
At which time everything became contested and the rest is history.
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Join Date: Nov 2014
Posts: 667
Originally Posted by Sasha1972
For what it's worth, my alcoholic ex pulled some remarkable financial maneuvers. In my divorce, he tried to include the ongoing costs of sessions with his New Age "dream analyst" in the property settlement because it was necessary health care.
In his divorce from ex-wife #2, he claimed that three fabric hangings from rural south Asia he had acquired from ex-wife #1 (that would be me), which were remaining in the house that X2 was keeping, were "museum quality" and worth thousands of dollars each. X2 contacted me and I told her we bought them from some fellow selling them on the side of the road for $US20.
In his divorce from ex-wife #2, he claimed that three fabric hangings from rural south Asia he had acquired from ex-wife #1 (that would be me), which were remaining in the house that X2 was keeping, were "museum quality" and worth thousands of dollars each. X2 contacted me and I told her we bought them from some fellow selling them on the side of the road for $US20.
Mine decided she wanted lifelong healthcare expenses to be paid by me because she had herpes. Initially claiming she got it from me. Until I provided a clean STD screen.
OOOpppsss. Attorney dropped her after that debacle.
Then she lied on her financials (not reporting her cash income). The IRS as far as I know is still collecting payments from here for a few more years.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I know where I live as soon as you file there is an automatic rule that you may not change any insurance, loans, etc. Now what you can do is when you go to court try to recoup what you have paid extra b/c he chose not to take out insurance he had available to him. It all depends on your judge. Some judges allow things like that, others do not. Have your attorney advise.
A step at a time. You will eventually get there.
A step at a time. You will eventually get there.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Thank you for everyone sharing their experiences and offering advice.
I am really working on accepting that this situation is going at it's own pace and its definitely not mine. I am not even sure why I continue to reach out to my ex thinking that there is someone rational and reasonable on the other side....it's like definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and believing there will be a different outcome.
I really need to work on not trying to control the situation and "get things done." The hard part is that I am fighting a core part of who I have been my whole life....but that is another thread
It's been a little over a year....I'm asking for trial dates in November....and I need to take it one step at a time. Thank you to all for your continued support.
I am really working on accepting that this situation is going at it's own pace and its definitely not mine. I am not even sure why I continue to reach out to my ex thinking that there is someone rational and reasonable on the other side....it's like definition of insanity - doing the same thing over and over and believing there will be a different outcome.
I really need to work on not trying to control the situation and "get things done." The hard part is that I am fighting a core part of who I have been my whole life....but that is another thread
It's been a little over a year....I'm asking for trial dates in November....and I need to take it one step at a time. Thank you to all for your continued support.
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