Vivisectus

So, next Wednesday will mark week 3. Just a week and a half to go before the missus will be coming home.

To my surprise, I have found myself going from strength to strength. I have had some time to get over the hurt from the last drinking session, and for the first time ever I got to do that by myself. If I felt down, I got to feel down without having to worry I am dragging my AW down with me, worrying that this would make her drink, or feeling a little bit resentful that she would start acting all depressed as well just when I needed some space to tend to myself.

I got the house all in order. I got to spend loads of time with our youngest, making sure she is OK and feels safe and looked after. I actually got to make sure the adult children contribute in the daily household chores, and now things at home are pleasant and stable. The four of us went out to dinner this Friday, and we spend Saturday painting the upstairs bathroom together.

Things are stable, and pleasant, and that nagging worry that I am going to come home and find some sort of alcoholic meltdown in progress is not there.

As it turns out, I do not actually have a lot of issues. I am pretty well adjusted and happy, if left to my own devices. All I needed was a bit of space.

Mrs Sectus is very serious about recovery, and she has decided on an after-care program: she wants to do it at the actual clinic she is at now. I like the idea of sticking to one place, one set of counselors.

I wonder how it is going to go when she gets back. There are bound to be a few adjustment problems, and then we have to find out what it is like living with a more self-aware mrs Sectus who is going through all the changes that come with the process of recovery. And what it is going to be like for her to live with a more balanced and self-aware me!

But at least I know that whatever the future brings, I will be able to deal with it. I am much stronger and more secure that I thought I was. Just being away from the alcoholism and not having to deal with an alcoholic waiting to relapse has done wonders. All of this has also forced me to be much more aware of myself. I am really starting to understand how I work, how I slowly let the situation we were in get this weird and codependent because I was afraid of issues that felt impossible to address, or even name.

What strikes me is that I am no longer afraid to make mistakes, to get things wrong. I used to be so scared of not being able to solve the huge threat hanging over our family. Now I do not see things in those terms any more. I know that I can look after my family by myself if needs be. I also know that the world is not going to end if I cannot fix things immediately - that it is enough to do what I can, bit by bit.

One thing is certain - it is not going to be the way it was.

Maudcat

Time and distance bring clarity.
Good luck going forward.

dandylion

Vivisectus.....you might want to take a look at these books.....
"Loving Someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
"Living With sobriety"
You can get them on amazon.com.........

CRRHCC

>>What strikes me is that I am no longer afraid to make mistakes, to get things wrong. I used to be so scared of not being able to solve the huge threat hanging over our family. Now I do not see things in those terms any more. <<

Among the beliefs that contribute to addictions as well as hurts, habits and hangups are, “I should be perfect and perfection is possible; I should be all-powerful controlling myself and others;​ I should always get what I want and life should be without pain and require no effort.”

The simple truth is that life will never be easy, fair and painless. We are never going to always get what we want. The problem is, that addicts believe that life should be easy, fair and painless! When we allow ourself to think in this, "entitled," fashion, we lower our threshold to adversity, to feeling helpless and overwhelmed. If we insist on avoiding emotional pain, on being comfortable all the time, we will seek ways to avoid reality, to escape our mood. With respect to addictive thinking, this type of corrupted belief system is the very core of addictive thinking and can lead to a, "Quick fix or mood changer," of drugs and or other errant behaviors.

Congratulations. Sounds like you changed your thinking and are changing your life for the better!

hopeful4

You are sounding very....stable. Love this. It's a true highlight of your own recovery to get to a place that you know no matter what is brought to the table that you will be able to handle it.

I am glad she is taking this very seriously. It will be hard. Right now she is in a very controlled environment. When she comes out of that back into the environment that will be filled with triggers for her...that is where the rubber will meet the road so to speak.

Keep posting, and keep being kind to you and your family. Excellent work!

Sasha1972

This sounds great. I hope for the best for you and your wife, but even if "the best" doesn't happen, it sounds like you have the strength and clarity to lead a better life in the future, no matter what.

maia1234

V,
I am going to ask some tough questions. ... how is it not going to be the way it was?? What's your plan?

You sound great. You realize now that you can take care of the family with or without her. Its also great she is not coming home right away, as she has a lot of work to do.

This is the hard part for her. She needs to disect the layers of disfunction that she has lived with for many years. She will be selfish (again) and angry, and talking to other people and not you. The love just doesn't reappear. It will be hard to not try and help her. It will be all about keeping mom happy so she doesn't drink from stress. Rehab 101. Ugh, it never ends

It's not an easy process so you really need support for yourself so you don't take it all personally. You don't want to become angry and resentful of all the support she is getting and you are working full time and taking care of the family.

Go and read the new to recovery and see how these people have to change their life completely. They have to learn to feel pain and not numb themselves out when life gets tough. Be prepared that it will not be a bed of roses, eventually, having her home. Keep working on you and let the people who do this for a living support her. In another words, mind your side of the street. You can't comprehend what addiction is about so don't try.

I will say a prayer that it will be one and done for her in rehab. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best. Hugs!!

Vivisectus

I have been thinking a lot about this. I want to make sure that we use this opportunity to shed some of the old baggage we ourselves and our relationships with each other have accumulated. Her going to rehab has pushed me out of my old role into a new one, and frankly, I rather like it. I want to stay more closely engaged. This works in two ways: it is a safety measure in case she relapses, but it also forces me to be more closely engaged with the kids. The isolation that comes with addiction was not just affecting her, and she was not the only one with a lot of bad habits.

I also want to retain some of the independence I found. We have always been extremely close, and this has devolved into a weird kind of co-dependence. But you can be close and still allow the other person to have their own feelings, which do not necessarily impact your own directly. There is a difference between empathy and sympathy. I want us to learn how be understanding without letting one person's problem become the other person's problem. Supportive while still expecting the other to do their bit. To be two aware, intelligent adults in stead of one weird intertwined mess. To learn how to stand shoulder to shoulder, rather than always be trying to carry each other.

The way to do that, I think, is to set boundaries. Let each other know when you are just looking to share and are not inviting someone else to solve your problems. Wait for someone to ask for specific help before you start offering solutions you thought up yourself. Explain how things sound to you without assuming the other person can read your mind when you feel like someone is going too far. Some couples therapy will help with this, I think.

We are going to sound like a pair of therapy junkies for a bit I guess, but hey - we need a new way to communicate, and sounding odd and stilted is only to be expected when you learn a new language!

This will also help with some of the resentment I will undoubtedly feel whenever Mrs Sectus is going to have to put her recovery first. My plan is to simply give myself some space. It is OK for me to feel that for a little bit, and even to express it. But it will be my job not to confuse the issue either: it will be tempting to withdraw and wallow in how incredibly unfair everything is all the time. Sometimes I feel resentful about issue A, and then because I feel I have to justify feeling like that, I start adding in issue B and C as well. Congratulations, me! Now I really feel like everyone is some sort of jerk, even though the initial trigger was a lot less significant.

This time apart has taught me I actually do not need to do that at all... as long as I simply express what I feel clearly and without feeling that I have to defend it, without feeling like I am adding to the cloud hanging over the family, without feeling I am somehow letting the side down. Mindfulness meditation techniques are really helping me here - I just give myself some time to actually experience what I am feeling, without immediately trying to apply a label to it in order to give myself the illusion of control. I do not need it. My feelings are fine.

Strange as it sounds, I am kind of hoping that she will be selfish. That she will talk to other people. That there will be areas of her experience that she will not fully share with me. That she claims space for herself, where she calls all the shots without feeling like she needs to ask for approval. We need to stop feeling like we need to agree on everything, share everything. Give each other some space to be their own person. The one thing I want to avoid is feel like I am becoming responsible for her state of mind again. I am not, nor can I be. I can be supportive and understanding, but I cannot do it for her. She will have to walk her own walk.

Vivisectus

Oh and I am currently reading loving someone in recovery. I like it so far. I am going to work through it and see if I can gain some extra tools.

maia1234

V,
Good for you that you have been educating yourself about addiction and recovery. Most people expect their life and marriage to just immediately fall back into place like it once was.( From what I have read, this truly takes years.) Recovery is has hard for you and your kids as it is for the addict, just in different ways.

I like that you plan to walk shoulder to shoulder with her, you can no longer assist her. (Your side of the street ) This is our codie issues that got you here in the first place. You have to have the attitude that her sobriety or drunkenness is none of your business. You can pray for her, but its out of anyones control.

Work on your anger and resentment towards this whole mess so when the time comes you are capable to handle anything thrown at you. I hope this doesn't happen but what if she drinks again? What will your boundaries be for you and your kids?

Keep posting V, I'm proud of your recovery!! You can do this, my friend!!

Vivisectus

Should she relapse, then she can go and do that elsewhere. If we have learned anything from her last 3-week 24-7 drinking session is that she is incapable of keeping the kids out of it when she drinks - including our youngest. So if she relapses, then she can go and check into a hotel or find a friend's couch to drink on. I don't care what - as long as it does not happen at home. We have 2 adult kids in the house and a 12 year old. We will simply drive her to a hotel and leave her to it with her own bank card, which is not the one we actually run the household finances on.

There is no way that I am leaving our youngest alone in the house with an unpredictable active alcoholic ever again.

hopeful4

I think that is wise, however, I would make sure you are sitting down and explaining all of this ahead of time. I also hope you do not minimize how this affects said child.

Good work, keep it up!

maia1234

V,
Great plan!!! That's right, it is abusive to have our kids around crazy alcoholics. I am ashamed that I accepted it for as long as I did. My axh upped the anti after my kids left for college so I guess they didn't see the worse. (excuse, excuse).

I agree with hopeful, make sure she is aware of what your plans are. She is "not" welcome around the both of you if she wants to drink, she can do it alone. I don't think that you need to explain to her what you will do, but just tell her it will not be tolerated. If you put her in a hotel room, it doesn't mean that she won't uber back home. You are saying that you will not be around it, so you two might have to leave the home. Hopefully it won't be a future issue, but don't let your guard down.

Keep working on you and getting your daughter some help. You two will be fine with or without her.

dandylion

Vivi.....I thank that is a good idea, that if she relapses, to put geography between yourselves and her.....Having said that...I am going to be a bit of devil's advocate, here....
As you are married, it is her home as much as it is yours. She is also a parent, as much as you are, legally, speaking....
What if she refuses to be "relocated".....
Have you consulted with a lawyer to find out what both of your respective rights are to the kids and residence in the home?
Will you be talking with her as to what the plans will be, if relapse should occur....
(even if she does agree to certain things, there is no assuring that she would adhere to them if her sobriety should go south).....

I am glad to hear that she will spend some time in a sober living situation before returning home.....

lol....I am famous for saying that I believe that it is best if all alcoholics lived separate from the family, for a full year (with some short visits), as it would be
more merciful for all concerned. Like, a planned sabbatical, in the mountains of Nepal.......

Ariesagain

You are one smart, insightful guy. Your post actually helped me today...my husband and I have been working trying to carve out space for ourselves in our tiny temporary apartment and like you, we’ve always been overly involved in each others’ emotions. You gave me a lot to think about.

Your kids have you and that is a wonderful thing.

Sending you a hug.