Infidelity and blaming drinking on me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Infidelity and blaming drinking on me
I really loved him and would have never cheated or expect him to until I caught him and it rocked my world. We had a great sex life...im no prude but he travelled and wound up having an affair with (after 14 years and 4 kids together) a friend from
His past that is a big drinker too. Looking back I realized times I found condoms in laundry he'd explain away that most likely he's cheated on me for years (while I was pregnant with our 4 kids)...he never admitted it BUT looking back I just KNOW. The stuff I believed was so dumb on my part. Ex: condoms in laundry were gag gift from boss. Lol. Pleeease. I was young and dumb.
Fast forward about 9 months..His drinking picks up and I have no desire to sleep with him (he once was drunk and got mad at me for taking too long that he just left me laying there)...or really even be around him so I sought companionship elsewhere too. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but he constantly chose to get sloshed and I was lonely. He found out eventually and cannot get over it even though he cheated on me too!
Fast forward about 3 years...he's so skinny and drinks every night and weekend. Usually is slurring by 8pm but denying that he's had more than a single drink while cooking dinner. We don't sleep in bed together and no sex life bc I'm quite frankly grossed out. He smells like alcohol and is drunk more than he's not when he's home as he still travels. He DOES however keep up his work duties and holds down a good job. Anyway the point of this post is that he constantly gets drunk and brings up or picks fights about "my boyfriend"...he honestly makes me feel like his drinking is at an all time high bc of my affair and he looks awful that it makes me feel terrible. My shrink assures me in no way is his drinking EVER my fault and that is how alcoholics think and manipulate but I still find myself thinking maybe it IS my fault. Thoughts?😔Is it my fault??
His past that is a big drinker too. Looking back I realized times I found condoms in laundry he'd explain away that most likely he's cheated on me for years (while I was pregnant with our 4 kids)...he never admitted it BUT looking back I just KNOW. The stuff I believed was so dumb on my part. Ex: condoms in laundry were gag gift from boss. Lol. Pleeease. I was young and dumb.
Fast forward about 9 months..His drinking picks up and I have no desire to sleep with him (he once was drunk and got mad at me for taking too long that he just left me laying there)...or really even be around him so I sought companionship elsewhere too. I know 2 wrongs don't make a right but he constantly chose to get sloshed and I was lonely. He found out eventually and cannot get over it even though he cheated on me too!
Fast forward about 3 years...he's so skinny and drinks every night and weekend. Usually is slurring by 8pm but denying that he's had more than a single drink while cooking dinner. We don't sleep in bed together and no sex life bc I'm quite frankly grossed out. He smells like alcohol and is drunk more than he's not when he's home as he still travels. He DOES however keep up his work duties and holds down a good job. Anyway the point of this post is that he constantly gets drunk and brings up or picks fights about "my boyfriend"...he honestly makes me feel like his drinking is at an all time high bc of my affair and he looks awful that it makes me feel terrible. My shrink assures me in no way is his drinking EVER my fault and that is how alcoholics think and manipulate but I still find myself thinking maybe it IS my fault. Thoughts?😔Is it my fault??
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
No..it is NOT your fault.....
I sure hope that you are reading the articles from the link that I gave you in your other thread.....All of your questions can be answered within those articles....
There is sooo much to learn....
As a medical professional, I always get concerned when I hear about a weight loss when someone is not trying to lose weight....
Since he has, obviously, been sleeping around for years...I suggest that you get tested for possible sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible. A person can have these diseases without showing any symptoms...especially, for women.
Do not listen to what he says....go with what you know.....
He is not acting in your best interest.....so, you HAVE to.....
I sure hope that you are reading the articles from the link that I gave you in your other thread.....All of your questions can be answered within those articles....
There is sooo much to learn....
As a medical professional, I always get concerned when I hear about a weight loss when someone is not trying to lose weight....
Since he has, obviously, been sleeping around for years...I suggest that you get tested for possible sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible. A person can have these diseases without showing any symptoms...especially, for women.
Do not listen to what he says....go with what you know.....
He is not acting in your best interest.....so, you HAVE to.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Posts: 413
Originally Posted by mytoxicmarriage 
.....drinking EVER my fault and that is how alcoholics think and manipulate but I still find myself thinking maybe it IS my fault. Thoughts?😔Is it my fault??
He's an adult, and is responsible for his choices, actions and beliefs.
But, more to the point, you are an adult and you are responsible for YOUR choices, actions and beliefs. Like maybe not buying into someone else's manipulation. Like not assigning yourself so much power over someone else. Like thinking about why you would even for a moment believe you have such power over somebody (maybe google "reverse narcissism"), and maybe exploring why you are avoiding your own issues with all this drama.
He has a problem with alcohol, and is abusive and manipulative. What are you getting out of staying with him?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by dandylion
No..it is NOT your fault.....
I sure hope that you are reading the articles from the link that I gave you in your other thread.....All of your questions can be answered within those articles....
There is sooo much to learn....
As a medical professional, I always get concerned when I hear about a weight loss when someone is not trying to lose weight....
Since he has, obviously, been sleeping around for years...I suggest that you get tested for possible sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible. A person can have these diseases without showing any symptoms...especially, for women.
Do not listen to what he says....go with what you know.....
He is not acting in your best interest.....so, you HAVE to.....
I sure hope that you are reading the articles from the link that I gave you in your other thread.....All of your questions can be answered within those articles....
There is sooo much to learn....
As a medical professional, I always get concerned when I hear about a weight loss when someone is not trying to lose weight....
Since he has, obviously, been sleeping around for years...I suggest that you get tested for possible sexually transmitted diseases as soon as possible. A person can have these diseases without showing any symptoms...especially, for women.
Do not listen to what he says....go with what you know.....
He is not acting in your best interest.....so, you HAVE to.....
Oh no worries there I made him go to my OB that delivered our kids the week I found out for full std panel! I have been reading the articles but always in the back of my mind I wonder if BECAUSE I am not the perfect wife myself maybe it could be more my fault then normal. It's nice to get a direct response to my exact situation. Thank you for taking the time.❤️
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
Went through the same thing with my XAH for many years; divorce is just recently final. Blamed me for his affair. Blamed me for his drinking b/c it led to the affair. Blamed me for his floundering work life (the affair was a work partner.) Blamed me for his reputation at work. Blamed me for his verbal abuse b/c I made him drink... I could go on.
Life is very easy to face when a person just has zero responsibility for how it's turned out and is waiting for their target to "fix it" for them. If you read around here, it's the same story over and over again.
Whatever role you play in the dysfunction, it certainly does not mean you are to blame for his decisions. He chooses to pick up, to take his clothes off, to continue doing it over the days and years...the only question is how long are you going to play this game with him. All significant others/spouses have their expiration dates when it comes to this. So, get therapy and/or do Al Anon. Learn where your lost boundaries went, define them, and stick to them.
Life is very easy to face when a person just has zero responsibility for how it's turned out and is waiting for their target to "fix it" for them. If you read around here, it's the same story over and over again.
Whatever role you play in the dysfunction, it certainly does not mean you are to blame for his decisions. He chooses to pick up, to take his clothes off, to continue doing it over the days and years...the only question is how long are you going to play this game with him. All significant others/spouses have their expiration dates when it comes to this. So, get therapy and/or do Al Anon. Learn where your lost boundaries went, define them, and stick to them.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
mytoxic marriage.....his alcoholism has nothing to do with you...it is about what is within him...and, it was there before you met him.....
Stop blaming yourself, because you are just adding insult to injury....
Keep reading those articles in the link that I gave you....and, read the thousands of threads of other real life stories that are on this forum....
You will see your own situation over and over, again.....
Stop blaming yourself, because you are just adding insult to injury....
Keep reading those articles in the link that I gave you....and, read the thousands of threads of other real life stories that are on this forum....
You will see your own situation over and over, again.....
Member
Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: Kent, WA
Posts: 29
The weight loss really concerns me. Before my AH turned yellow, the first thing that happened was weight loss. He also always wreaked of booze. He ended up having advanced alcoholic hepatitis and we almost lost him. Something to consider. But he is NOT your responsibility.
I want you to remember, alcoholism is a disease. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you cannot cure it. (The three C’s) Therefore, it is ridiculous for anyone to say it is your fault. No marriage is perfect, and more people than you know struggle with infidelity. Many are able to work through it an have a happy marriage. But not when emotional abuse is present. If he can’t treat you with respect, you need to treat yourself with respect. Only you can decide what that looks like. But it sounds like it’s time for you to put yourself and your children first.
I want you to remember, alcoholism is a disease. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you cannot cure it. (The three C’s) Therefore, it is ridiculous for anyone to say it is your fault. No marriage is perfect, and more people than you know struggle with infidelity. Many are able to work through it an have a happy marriage. But not when emotional abuse is present. If he can’t treat you with respect, you need to treat yourself with respect. Only you can decide what that looks like. But it sounds like it’s time for you to put yourself and your children first.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by mytoxicmarriage
I have been reading the articles but always in the back of my mind I wonder if BECAUSE I am not the perfect wife myself maybe it could be more my fault then normal.
The healthy, adult reaction when a situation or person isn't "perfect" IS NOT to lie, cheat, drink to excess. It's to communicate, try to work things out, reach a compromise, make some changes. Expecting "perfection" simply isn't realistic, ever.
Your "imperfections" are NOT an excuse for his cheating, drinking and lying.
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
No. Not your fault. He's been lying to you and gaslighting you. This is emotional manipulation. He lied about the condom in the laundry, and now this rubbish about his actions being your fault is also lying. It's abuse. He is not being responsible for his choices. No one tied him to a chair, stuck a funnel in his mouth and poured the alcohol in -- did you? No? I didn't think so. He chose to drink. His fault. Not yours. Arguing with him is not going to do anything but drive you crazy or make you subject to more of his lies and manipulations. I guess the only thing you can do in this situation is to decide what actions YOU are going to take for your life and the lives of your children. These choices have to be made independently of him, because frankly, I wouldn't trust him. I mean, he's already proven to you that you can't trust him.
My AH experienced a crazy amount of unintentional weight loss as a result of his addiction. It's like a form of self-harm. Not "like". It is. What he's showing you is that he has no problem with inflicting harm, harm to himself with substance abuse, and to others (his lying to you, and his exposing his offspring to an addicted parent).
NOT. YOUR. FAULT. The only thing that might be your "fault" is that you "allowed" him to violate your boundaries. However, I don't think that all partners of addicts are pathologically co-dependent or have reverse narcissism, because sometimes the addict creates a codependent relationship. But once you now that is what it is, you can make choices for yourself.
My AH experienced a crazy amount of unintentional weight loss as a result of his addiction. It's like a form of self-harm. Not "like". It is. What he's showing you is that he has no problem with inflicting harm, harm to himself with substance abuse, and to others (his lying to you, and his exposing his offspring to an addicted parent).
NOT. YOUR. FAULT. The only thing that might be your "fault" is that you "allowed" him to violate your boundaries. However, I don't think that all partners of addicts are pathologically co-dependent or have reverse narcissism, because sometimes the addict creates a codependent relationship. But once you now that is what it is, you can make choices for yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
You're responsible for your infidelity. He is responsible for his. His drinking is something else altogether - he's responsible for that. Your feelings about your own transgressions shouldn't shape your decisions about how much drunken misbehaviour you are willing to live with. You don't owe him endless patience and acceptance of his addiction just because you had an affair. They are two separate things.
My experience is that alcoholics are really good at making up stories to justify their drinking. If you had been the perfect wife, whatever that means, he probably would have justified his drinking because he was intimidated by your perfection (seriously!).
My experience is that alcoholics are really good at making up stories to justify their drinking. If you had been the perfect wife, whatever that means, he probably would have justified his drinking because he was intimidated by your perfection (seriously!).
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I agree with Sasha. If you try to be perfect, that would be an excuse too. Every time I did something really good at work and was rewarded, it would mean my AH would have a crying fit at home (or something in public) because *he* wasn't doing as well and his life wasn't "fair"... and that would be an excuse to use drugs. If I did poorly, then I could not criticize him ever for his drug use because I "also had flaws". So basically, the addict's drug/alcohol use has nothing to do with you.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Hon,
What are you showing to your kids staying with an abusive addict? If you don't find it fun living with an addict how do you think the kids feel? Are they old enough to go to alateen? They also need support.
Please work on a plan to get yourself and your kids out of the home. He has no intention on getting help for himself, but you are worth it and do not need to be dragged down to the lowest depths with him.
Seek out alanon or open aa meetings. You and your kids are worth it my friend!!!
What are you showing to your kids staying with an abusive addict? If you don't find it fun living with an addict how do you think the kids feel? Are they old enough to go to alateen? They also need support.
Please work on a plan to get yourself and your kids out of the home. He has no intention on getting help for himself, but you are worth it and do not need to be dragged down to the lowest depths with him.
Seek out alanon or open aa meetings. You and your kids are worth it my friend!!!
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Posts: 773
Oh boy
XAH blamed his drinking (and one time cheating, per him) on the following
1) me being too cold
2) me being too good for him
3) me making too much money and emasculating him by doing so
4) me not making enough money so we could not travel
5) me nagging him to get a job
6) me paying too much attention to son and not him
7) me not being nice to his family (I was the only one to initiate visits and buy them Christmas presents)
8) me not willing to spend a weekend away with him (because I was supposed to organize it, too)
9) me having a career and being intimidating
10) sky being blue, water being wet, his life being miserable
The list goes on
You did not cause it, you cannot control or cure it
He is abusive. Take care of yourself and your kids
XAH blamed his drinking (and one time cheating, per him) on the following
1) me being too cold
2) me being too good for him
3) me making too much money and emasculating him by doing so
4) me not making enough money so we could not travel
5) me nagging him to get a job
6) me paying too much attention to son and not him
7) me not being nice to his family (I was the only one to initiate visits and buy them Christmas presents)
8) me not willing to spend a weekend away with him (because I was supposed to organize it, too)
9) me having a career and being intimidating
10) sky being blue, water being wet, his life being miserable
The list goes on
You did not cause it, you cannot control or cure it
He is abusive. Take care of yourself and your kids
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
So true OK...my recently XAH got angry at me for "succeeding" while his life went to sh** and I needed to take the blame for that. Quote. Really, what I did was hyper-focus on things I knew I had some level of control over, or, things that just took me away from what was going on with him that I had no control over. The more I did well at this or that, the more angry he got. It was to the point that *anything* that wasn't directly related to him he viewed as "the other man" (I was never unfaithful...he was...but this was a quote) and refused to support me at one event or another, listen to what happened in my day...essentially, he wanted nothing to do with me but fully expected me to listen to him, support him, etc. And told me this was my fault.
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