In the dark
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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In the dark
I've been dating my bf for almost 2 years. He's currently in rehab. He left in June due to drinking and the violence and abuse that ensued. He initially went to a place in Houston. He's now a a treatment center in LA. I visited him in Houston and we have talked/texted a few times a day since he left. Suddenly last week he told me that he needs to work on himself and does not want to talk for three weeks. I don't understand how shutting me out is productive (Gottman, four horseman, silent treatment). I told him I need to know if it's over, so I can stop wondering.
Part of me wants to contact him and make a clean break. Please forward your mail, make arrangements to get your belongings out of my apartment, etc. Part of me is still holding on to the hope that we will be together again.
Part of me wants to contact him and make a clean break. Please forward your mail, make arrangements to get your belongings out of my apartment, etc. Part of me is still holding on to the hope that we will be together again.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Well, I understand your impulse, but I guess you have to decide if three weeks of no contact is really that much to ask if he believes it is going to help his recovery. Recovery can be a life-and-death proposition for some, and it could require all of his focus and energy right now just to make it through each day without a drink.
There are no guaranteed outcomes, but maybe you could look at the three weeks as a chance for YOU to gain some perspective on the relationship. Alcoholism isn't something that is "cured", merely put into a remission through a dedicated program of recovery that he will have to attend to for the rest of his life. Is that something you can deal with?
There are no guaranteed outcomes, but maybe you could look at the three weeks as a chance for YOU to gain some perspective on the relationship. Alcoholism isn't something that is "cured", merely put into a remission through a dedicated program of recovery that he will have to attend to for the rest of his life. Is that something you can deal with?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Well, I understand your impulse, but I guess you have to decide if three weeks of no contact is really that much to ask if he believes it is going to help his recovery. Recovery can be a life-and-death proposition for some, and it could require all of his focus and energy right now just to make it through each day without a drink.
There are no guaranteed outcomes, but maybe you could look at the three weeks as a chance for YOU to gain some perspective on the relationship. Alcoholism isn't something that is "cured", merely put into a remission through a dedicated program of recovery that he will have to attend to for the rest of his life. Is that something you can deal with?
There are no guaranteed outcomes, but maybe you could look at the three weeks as a chance for YOU to gain some perspective on the relationship. Alcoholism isn't something that is "cured", merely put into a remission through a dedicated program of recovery that he will have to attend to for the rest of his life. Is that something you can deal with?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fifestybluebird.....as you read through the thousands of real life stories, on this forum, you will see that this is an issue that frequently comes up in early recovery....
The newly recovering alcoholic, often, can't hardly make it from day to day...it is like learning how to live all over, again, without their familiar crutch.....much less, have anything left over...
Relationships require a lot....and, the issues that come up in a relationship can often be the trigger to relapse...especially for early recovery....
For him, sobriety has to be the top priority ...above all else....
for you, I am guessing that preserving the relationship is probably your top goal...?
Counselors will sometimes recommend that the alcoholic change their playground and playmates...and, any stressful or toxic relationships....
In rehab, he is the patient/client....and, he is their first concern...not you....
I know that this may be a hard pill for you to swallow...bit, it may turn out to be a good thing for you, also....
Surely, the violence and abuse has had some effect on you....it always does!
I am going to give you a link to our library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...and, I seriously hope that you will take the time to read them....There is sooo much to know......
Take this time to focus on yourself.....I suggest that y ou go to alanon and read the book "Co-dependency No More"....you can get cheap used ones at amazon.com.....
He probably won't be the same person that you remember when he comes back from rehab....especially if he DOES strongly embrace his program of recovery....and, he certainly won't be "all fixed'....lol...
Right now, there is no predicting the outcome of your relationship...so, you m ight as well start working on yourself, now....
If I were in your shoes (which I know that I am not..but, I have had a lot of experience working with alcoholics)...I would tell him....."Not a problem. See ya later."
That puts the ball in his court...and, gives you freedom from his issues....
by the way, Gottman was not talking about he exact same thing as you are talking about....
The newly recovering alcoholic, often, can't hardly make it from day to day...it is like learning how to live all over, again, without their familiar crutch.....much less, have anything left over...
Relationships require a lot....and, the issues that come up in a relationship can often be the trigger to relapse...especially for early recovery....
For him, sobriety has to be the top priority ...above all else....
for you, I am guessing that preserving the relationship is probably your top goal...?
Counselors will sometimes recommend that the alcoholic change their playground and playmates...and, any stressful or toxic relationships....
In rehab, he is the patient/client....and, he is their first concern...not you....
I know that this may be a hard pill for you to swallow...bit, it may turn out to be a good thing for you, also....
Surely, the violence and abuse has had some effect on you....it always does!
I am going to give you a link to our library of articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...and, I seriously hope that you will take the time to read them....There is sooo much to know......
Take this time to focus on yourself.....I suggest that y ou go to alanon and read the book "Co-dependency No More"....you can get cheap used ones at amazon.com.....
He probably won't be the same person that you remember when he comes back from rehab....especially if he DOES strongly embrace his program of recovery....and, he certainly won't be "all fixed'....lol...
Right now, there is no predicting the outcome of your relationship...so, you m ight as well start working on yourself, now....
If I were in your shoes (which I know that I am not..but, I have had a lot of experience working with alcoholics)...I would tell him....."Not a problem. See ya later."
That puts the ball in his court...and, gives you freedom from his issues....
by the way, Gottman was not talking about he exact same thing as you are talking about....
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi. Feisty bluebird (love your name).
Welcome to SR.
Lots of good experience, strength and hope here.
As others have said before me, people’s heads are all over the place in early recovery. I would give him the space and time he has asked for and enjoy the lack of drama and chaos that often surrounds an addict.
Take care of yourself. Read around the posts on this and other forums.
Live your life. More will be revealed in time.
Welcome to SR.
Lots of good experience, strength and hope here.
As others have said before me, people’s heads are all over the place in early recovery. I would give him the space and time he has asked for and enjoy the lack of drama and chaos that often surrounds an addict.
Take care of yourself. Read around the posts on this and other forums.
Live your life. More will be revealed in time.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
I agree with the other posters, if he says he needs time, give it to him. This is not an easy fix and will take years to fix the damage he has done. A couples weeks is nothing in the big picture.
What help and support are you getting for yourself?
What help and support are you getting for yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 15
Thanks to all who responded to my post. What a difference a day makes. I am going to give him time and stop worrying so much. What will be, will be. I can't control it.
As for working on myself, I've been in therapy since November, when things started getting really bad. I've been working a lot to repair the not so great financial state that I found myself in after supporting him for a year (my choice to do so, I don't blame him). I've also been rebuilding friendships that I let slip away while I was caught up in the relationship.
I'm a work in progress. I know I have a long way to go.
Again, many thanks. It was nice to voice my concerns and get some unbiased feedback.
As for working on myself, I've been in therapy since November, when things started getting really bad. I've been working a lot to repair the not so great financial state that I found myself in after supporting him for a year (my choice to do so, I don't blame him). I've also been rebuilding friendships that I let slip away while I was caught up in the relationship.
I'm a work in progress. I know I have a long way to go.
Again, many thanks. It was nice to voice my concerns and get some unbiased feedback.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
fiestybluebird......
Here is the link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
Here is the link to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones...
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-recovery.html (About Recovery)
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Hi Feisty
I am in a similar situation: my wife is in rehab, and we have limited contact. Tomorrow it will be week 3 for me.
At first I found the reduced contact difficult as it felt very strange for her to be going through all these really intense emotional changes and experiences without me being aware of it. Sometimes I felt a little resentful - first she gets to wreak havoc on our lives, and then she gets all the attention! Sometimes I felt really uncomfortable - she is there discovering all kinds of stuff - what if I don't like what she discovers? Will she be discovering that she wants to turn our lives upside down, or that she wants to leave?
But then I found that it was actually rather liberating. It gave me the chance to heal up a bit and get over the chaos. It gave me the chance to look after our family the way I felt it needed looking after, organizing, cleaning, and spending a lot of time with our kids.
I discovered that I had actually been experiencing some of those weird controlling / managing urges that a lot of partners of alcoholics feel. I started reading up on alcoholism and codependency issues, and I found I recognized quite a bit of that. The tendency to focus really hard on the issue of her alcoholism, and forgetting to look after my own emotional well-being. The feeling that I need to manage or control her recovery somehow.
Just realizing that has been a huge relief. And I needed that little bit if distance to come to that realization. That is not a rejection of my wife, or of her needs. It is merely an affirmation of my own. Living with an alcoholic means living in a stressful, unhealthy situation. I am going to have to work on living a peaceful, healthy life just like she is. Neither of us are going to be used to that. All I can do is my own bit of that, and then expect her to do hers.
I guess what I am trying to say in this long-winded post that seems to have become all about me is this: use this time for you. See who you are without an alcoholic dragging chaos into your life. Let yourself rest a bit, get back in touch with yourself without constant threats and distractions. Look after yourself - it is one thing you can do that will be positive no matter what happens later.
I am in a similar situation: my wife is in rehab, and we have limited contact. Tomorrow it will be week 3 for me.
At first I found the reduced contact difficult as it felt very strange for her to be going through all these really intense emotional changes and experiences without me being aware of it. Sometimes I felt a little resentful - first she gets to wreak havoc on our lives, and then she gets all the attention! Sometimes I felt really uncomfortable - she is there discovering all kinds of stuff - what if I don't like what she discovers? Will she be discovering that she wants to turn our lives upside down, or that she wants to leave?
But then I found that it was actually rather liberating. It gave me the chance to heal up a bit and get over the chaos. It gave me the chance to look after our family the way I felt it needed looking after, organizing, cleaning, and spending a lot of time with our kids.
I discovered that I had actually been experiencing some of those weird controlling / managing urges that a lot of partners of alcoholics feel. I started reading up on alcoholism and codependency issues, and I found I recognized quite a bit of that. The tendency to focus really hard on the issue of her alcoholism, and forgetting to look after my own emotional well-being. The feeling that I need to manage or control her recovery somehow.
Just realizing that has been a huge relief. And I needed that little bit if distance to come to that realization. That is not a rejection of my wife, or of her needs. It is merely an affirmation of my own. Living with an alcoholic means living in a stressful, unhealthy situation. I am going to have to work on living a peaceful, healthy life just like she is. Neither of us are going to be used to that. All I can do is my own bit of that, and then expect her to do hers.
I guess what I am trying to say in this long-winded post that seems to have become all about me is this: use this time for you. See who you are without an alcoholic dragging chaos into your life. Let yourself rest a bit, get back in touch with yourself without constant threats and distractions. Look after yourself - it is one thing you can do that will be positive no matter what happens later.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Thank you, Vivisectus. Any and all comments are helpful to me at this time. My emotions are all over the place. Today I am angry.
I have accepted that he needs time. Perhaps it would have been easier if this had been in place since June, when he first left. It baffles me that it's happening now, after four months of treatment. Nonetheless, take that time. As for having nothing to give after a long day of treatment, he's told me about hiking trips, going to the beach, bowling, going for sushi, uber-ing across town to go shopping, etc. Doesn't really sound like he's suffering. What it sounds like is an extension of the "vacation" he's been on for the two years he hasn't been working.
I will say, however, that since we have gone no contact, I have had so much more to give to my patients. I'm an oncology nurse. I work 13 hour shifts at night. Now that I'm not being sucked dry by his needs and have given up trying to control the situation (oh, but I still dwell on it, obviously), I have found that I have more energy, more patience, and more compassion to give. That love has to go somewhere, right? I imagine it might be similar to you and your relationship to your children now.
On Thursday I'm meeting with a counselor that he and I saw in August 2016 and February 2017. She's a certified addictions counselor. I am really looking forward to it. I'm almost positive she will be able to help me work through some of this confusion that I'm feeling.
I have accepted that he needs time. Perhaps it would have been easier if this had been in place since June, when he first left. It baffles me that it's happening now, after four months of treatment. Nonetheless, take that time. As for having nothing to give after a long day of treatment, he's told me about hiking trips, going to the beach, bowling, going for sushi, uber-ing across town to go shopping, etc. Doesn't really sound like he's suffering. What it sounds like is an extension of the "vacation" he's been on for the two years he hasn't been working.
I will say, however, that since we have gone no contact, I have had so much more to give to my patients. I'm an oncology nurse. I work 13 hour shifts at night. Now that I'm not being sucked dry by his needs and have given up trying to control the situation (oh, but I still dwell on it, obviously), I have found that I have more energy, more patience, and more compassion to give. That love has to go somewhere, right? I imagine it might be similar to you and your relationship to your children now.
On Thursday I'm meeting with a counselor that he and I saw in August 2016 and February 2017. She's a certified addictions counselor. I am really looking forward to it. I'm almost positive she will be able to help me work through some of this confusion that I'm feeling.
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He left in June due to drinking and the violence and abuse that ensued.
I've been in therapy since November, when things started getting really bad.
On Thursday I'm meeting with a counselor that he and I saw in August 2016 and February 2017. She's a certified addictions counselor. I am really looking forward to it. I'm almost positive she will be able to help me work through some of this confusion that I'm feeling.
I've been in therapy since November, when things started getting really bad.
On Thursday I'm meeting with a counselor that he and I saw in August 2016 and February 2017. She's a certified addictions counselor. I am really looking forward to it. I'm almost positive she will be able to help me work through some of this confusion that I'm feeling.
Was the therapist you’ve been going to since November, I’m assuming of last year not able to help you work through your confusion on his sudden need of withdrawal of any communications?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by atalose
If the violence and abuse was towards you I certainly hope that in the past year of your therapy your therapist was able to focus on that highly important issue which isn’t always associated with alcoholism.
Was the therapist you’ve been going to since November, I’m assuming of last year not able to help you work through your confusion on his sudden need of withdrawal of any communications?
Was the therapist you’ve been going to since November, I’m assuming of last year not able to help you work through your confusion on his sudden need of withdrawal of any communications?
I think the addictions person is going to be more beneficial.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 60
My husband is in rehab right now. It's really weird. But not in a bad way. Today is two weeks since he left, so he is out of the detox phase and into the residential treatment part, but all contact with me and anybody else outside the facility is done in a therapeutic setting and he has no access to his cell phone for 30 days, more if he gets into shenanigans, apparently (he has not). He and his therapist called today because we have a serious family situation going on that she felt he needed to know about, so she told him and then they called me. First we were on speaker and then she let him pick up the phone and talk to me so that she just heard his side of the conversation, but apparently it got too heavy so she cut it off when he was getting too upset and...well, whatever it was that she felt was "too soon." It wasn't bad at all. Weird. But not bad. I mean, we have been married a long, long time, 30+ years, so to have somebody cut in and basically end the call was a new experience, but honestly--new, weird...but not bad. I find that after reading up about this codependency stuff and the Al-Anon tenets, it's not that hard to just let them handle him, just weird. I don't want to do anything to make things harder, and I know I need to work on me right now. It helps that he is in a good, safe place and that I trust them.
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I was going to reply with "I just WISH my AH would be gone for 3 weeks with no contact!", but that is a total oversimplification. Vivisectus said it much better. Use the time to find peace again, find yourself again, and just enjoy it as much as you can.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
I will say, however, that since we have gone no contact, I have had so much more to give to my patients. I'm an oncology nurse. I work 13 hour shifts at night. Now that I'm not being sucked dry by his needs and have given up trying to control the situation (oh, but I still dwell on it, obviously), I have found that I have more energy, more patience, and more compassion to give. That love has to go somewhere, right?
Why is all that love going to other people? How about sending some of that towards yourself? You have been living with an alcoholic, and I have not met a single person yet who can do that without getting hurt. Often it leads to unhealthy mental habits.
Are you spending enough of that energy on yourself?
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Bless you, Feisty, for what you do.
Take good care and keep posting.
I’d like to know how it goes with the addictions counselor.
He/she may have a lot more to say about everyone’s part in things.
Take good care and keep posting.
I’d like to know how it goes with the addictions counselor.
He/she may have a lot more to say about everyone’s part in things.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
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Originally Posted by Vivisectus
This could be a weird question, but...
Why is all that love going to other people? How about sending some of that towards yourself? You have been living with an alcoholic, and I have not met a single person yet who can do that without getting hurt. Often it leads to unhealthy mental habits.
Are you spending enough of that energy on yourself?
Why is all that love going to other people? How about sending some of that towards yourself? You have been living with an alcoholic, and I have not met a single person yet who can do that without getting hurt. Often it leads to unhealthy mental habits.
Are you spending enough of that energy on yourself?
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