how do you get past the hurt?
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
how do you get past the hurt?
My AH has been sober 30 days today. Our whole lives have changed in this past month. I have been working on my codependency (I even took a trip to visit my sister alone - a trip without him is a first) and he has truly been working his program. I have no complaints - he's the most amazing husband ever (bumps in the road and all). So what's my problem? He was an active alcoholic for 2 years and caused a lot of hurt and pain (online porn, online gambling, joined singles websites, talked to one woman on the phone, visited another one out of state - though platonic, still very hurtful). He's apologized, said he would take it back if he could and has spent every day since trying to make it up to me (I've gotten more flowers in this last month that in our entire marriage combined!). He's sincere in his apology and I've accepted his apology. I've even spent time with God working on forgiving my AH. But, I still hurt. Does anyone have any advice for helping me get past the pain?
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Focus on what he's doing now, not what he did then.
There isn't anything either of you can do about the past, it's behind you.
It sounds like he's honestly trying to make amends and make your marriage work.
That is a gift, enjoy it.
There isn't anything either of you can do about the past, it's behind you.
It sounds like he's honestly trying to make amends and make your marriage work.
That is a gift, enjoy it.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England, UK
Posts: 197
Auriana
As a recovering alcoholic who is also following the AA programme, I have been able to make genuine apologies, change my approach and my attitude to life and also to back up my words with actions.
my g/f and I have both discovered codependency issues arising partly from my alcohol abuse. We're both working hard and life is gradually getting better.
It sounds like your H is doing the right things for himself and as a consequence rebuilding your trust in him.
Good luck and hugs to you both.
Rich
As a recovering alcoholic who is also following the AA programme, I have been able to make genuine apologies, change my approach and my attitude to life and also to back up my words with actions.
my g/f and I have both discovered codependency issues arising partly from my alcohol abuse. We're both working hard and life is gradually getting better.
It sounds like your H is doing the right things for himself and as a consequence rebuilding your trust in him.
Good luck and hugs to you both.
Rich
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
Thanks for responding. I know what he is doing now is what matters, but I have that nagging feeling in the pit of my stomach - "what if it happens again..." The day he decided to get sober is the same day I decided to give up. I felt sorry for him (and suspected he had finally hit rock bottom), so I gave him "one more" chance. I love my AH sober, but I'm so hurt by all that has happened. I can't help but think may be too much damage has been done. He's apologized, but I feel like I am not entitled to hurt - he's now sober and he wants to focus on this life. I get that, but I still have baggage from when we was drinking. It angers me too - he brought on this pain and now he doesn't understand why I hurt? Argh! For the last month, I've managed to brush everything under the rug and pretend nothing happened. Nothing has been dealt with other than my AH saying he was sorry.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England, UK
Posts: 197
Auriana
May I suggest something?
It sounds like you and your A need to get these old skeletons out of the closet and deal with them. It won't help either of you by "bottling up" (excuse the pun) your emotions. You probably need to find a way of talking about your feelings that does not involve judgments, accusations or theories.
There's a great book written by Claude Steiner titled Achieving Emotional Literacy. It has helped me enormously. In the book he talks about making action/feeling statements. e.g. "When you (action), I felt (emotion). There's much more too it and I recommend you read it before launching in head first.
Good luck.
Rich
May I suggest something?
It sounds like you and your A need to get these old skeletons out of the closet and deal with them. It won't help either of you by "bottling up" (excuse the pun) your emotions. You probably need to find a way of talking about your feelings that does not involve judgments, accusations or theories.
There's a great book written by Claude Steiner titled Achieving Emotional Literacy. It has helped me enormously. In the book he talks about making action/feeling statements. e.g. "When you (action), I felt (emotion). There's much more too it and I recommend you read it before launching in head first.
Good luck.
Rich
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Stay in the present. Don't go back to yesterday or the day before. Stay centered in your thoughts and actions.
Cut the umbilical cord that keeps you connected to the past. The man is trying so hard to make amends. If you don't make the effort to forgive and forget, you're only hurting yourself.
One of the sayings I learned while my A was in rehab was "Forgive and forget", but they learn, "Forgive and never forget".
Go to meetings and talk with people there.
You're one of the rare people who can say their A is working their program with sincerity. The pain does go away. Look for the guy you loved and married. He's back and wants to stay that way.
You're blessed. Now, it's up to you to get your head straight.
Hugs and blessings, Kathy
Cut the umbilical cord that keeps you connected to the past. The man is trying so hard to make amends. If you don't make the effort to forgive and forget, you're only hurting yourself.
One of the sayings I learned while my A was in rehab was "Forgive and forget", but they learn, "Forgive and never forget".
Go to meetings and talk with people there.
You're one of the rare people who can say their A is working their program with sincerity. The pain does go away. Look for the guy you loved and married. He's back and wants to stay that way.
You're blessed. Now, it's up to you to get your head straight.
Hugs and blessings, Kathy
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Santa Barbara, CA
Posts: 31
I am the AH, and I have been in recovery for over four years. Had three short setbacks in that time. Praise to God didn't get anywhere near as bad as when I was full-blown. My wife's co-dependent rageaholic addiction is what threw me over the edge this last time.
Point is, my wife has never gotten rid of her resentments. My last slip was recently, after over three years clean. And I understand now that it was my resentment of her NOT having any kind of program that set me off! I am very much a NON-resentful person, and although I have heard many many times about it in AA meetings I never really understood it.
We are trying to get through some of this in counseling but I will swear to the day I die that it just doesn't matter what anyone says to her, she is addicted to re-living the pain and then lashes out at me because she doesn't choose to let it go. So here's what I have to say about it: GET PAST IT...NOW. WORK ON CLEANING UP YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET, NOT THE OTHER'S. LIVE IN THE SOLUTION, NOT IN THE PROBLEM.
GOOD LUCK!
Point is, my wife has never gotten rid of her resentments. My last slip was recently, after over three years clean. And I understand now that it was my resentment of her NOT having any kind of program that set me off! I am very much a NON-resentful person, and although I have heard many many times about it in AA meetings I never really understood it.
We are trying to get through some of this in counseling but I will swear to the day I die that it just doesn't matter what anyone says to her, she is addicted to re-living the pain and then lashes out at me because she doesn't choose to let it go. So here's what I have to say about it: GET PAST IT...NOW. WORK ON CLEANING UP YOUR SIDE OF THE STREET, NOT THE OTHER'S. LIVE IN THE SOLUTION, NOT IN THE PROBLEM.
GOOD LUCK!
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
Trying to get past it, but I am having a hard time. I have no interest in living in the past or hanging on to the pain. Has anyone else been here before - if so, how did you let go of the hurt and anger? I get that I need to live in the present and appreciate all the amends that he is trying to make. But how do I stop hurting? How do I stop thinking about all the things that happened? How do I stop tormenting myself with "what if it happens again?" We have never really dealt with what happened (in particular, him flying out of state to meet a girl he met online...). How do we deal with this in order to get past it? He's said he was sorry, I accepted his apology and continually try to forgive him. I'm just so frustrated!
p.s. ISM - Minnie has a point. Congrats on your sobriety, but you should never blame someone else for your actions. No one can control an A's drinking (didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it). Stay encouraged in your recovery, but take a look at why YOU allowed yourself to drink - not what your wife did.
p.s. ISM - Minnie has a point. Congrats on your sobriety, but you should never blame someone else for your actions. No one can control an A's drinking (didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it). Stay encouraged in your recovery, but take a look at why YOU allowed yourself to drink - not what your wife did.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
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Addiction is so painful for everyone in involved. There is guilt, there is shame & embarrassment, there is the past that haunts us each every day. Sadly, this is just reality as I see it.
To put it as bluntly as possible (as I tend to get long-winded most of the time), I'll try to make this short. Please understand that I'm not trying to be harsh, just not create a long post. lol
Let's talk about YOU! What do you want? Realizing that you cannot make the past disappear, you now have to decide what you want out of your life and what type of relationship you are willing to have with your AH.
Do you want to go to marriage counseling concerning the issues of broken trust?
Would you like to sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat with your AH?
And what plans do you have to improve the marriage?
Pain is hard, betrayal is harder. I understand. However, you do have choices.
What would help you to trust your AH again - time may be the only thing that can prove it to you.
You have to be realistic though in what you want and what you expect.
I don't know if I've explained myself well or not but I hope you see that you have the choices to make. Where do you want to go from here? Depending on how long it's been since these incidents is a lot of it, it takes time to get over hurts. Don't expect to feel pain-free overnight, that's not realistic.
To put it as bluntly as possible (as I tend to get long-winded most of the time), I'll try to make this short. Please understand that I'm not trying to be harsh, just not create a long post. lol
Let's talk about YOU! What do you want? Realizing that you cannot make the past disappear, you now have to decide what you want out of your life and what type of relationship you are willing to have with your AH.
Do you want to go to marriage counseling concerning the issues of broken trust?
Would you like to sit down and have a heart-to-heart chat with your AH?
And what plans do you have to improve the marriage?
Pain is hard, betrayal is harder. I understand. However, you do have choices.
What would help you to trust your AH again - time may be the only thing that can prove it to you.
You have to be realistic though in what you want and what you expect.
I don't know if I've explained myself well or not but I hope you see that you have the choices to make. Where do you want to go from here? Depending on how long it's been since these incidents is a lot of it, it takes time to get over hurts. Don't expect to feel pain-free overnight, that's not realistic.
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I am with StandingStong here AND ism. He may have been a bit unalanon but he has a good point.
Do you want to be a part of the solution or part of the problem? By hanging on to resentments you are not allowing yourself to live the life you are dreaming of living. What you do have is what many of us dream of. A sober alcoholic who is not just TELLING you...he is SHOWING you. It is all about actions and it sounds like he is on the right track.
It is true that you cannot cause him to drink, no matter what ism said, but you can certainly poison a relationship that he is trying to build back up.
It sounds to me like he is working a program and you need to do the same thing. Education is the best cure for the pain you are in. Acceptance of the flawed man you are married to is what you need. Acceptance of who he was and who he is now. Gratitude for what you have today...one day at a time.. will shut up that committee in your head. Refocus your thinking. It can be done. It is a choice. It is YOUR choice.
((Hugs))
JT
Do you want to be a part of the solution or part of the problem? By hanging on to resentments you are not allowing yourself to live the life you are dreaming of living. What you do have is what many of us dream of. A sober alcoholic who is not just TELLING you...he is SHOWING you. It is all about actions and it sounds like he is on the right track.
It is true that you cannot cause him to drink, no matter what ism said, but you can certainly poison a relationship that he is trying to build back up.
It sounds to me like he is working a program and you need to do the same thing. Education is the best cure for the pain you are in. Acceptance of the flawed man you are married to is what you need. Acceptance of who he was and who he is now. Gratitude for what you have today...one day at a time.. will shut up that committee in your head. Refocus your thinking. It can be done. It is a choice. It is YOUR choice.
((Hugs))
JT
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Heart of Dixie
Posts: 168
I once read a book that my sister gave me that deals with issues like yours. Its title was " Healing the Hurts You Don't Deserve" I read some of it and it was quiet good. Instead of looking at him as the man who caused you all this hurt try looking at him as the man who was weak and needy. He was actually very sick as well as weak and needy. It will take time but if you love him and you want it to work then it can. Also reading the book Dunitall subjested sounds like a very good thing to do also. One thing about commuicating with people I have learned if you go in on it in the wrong way you can cause someone to be defensive and when that happens they are not listening to you they are lining up how they are going to respond to you in order to defend themselves. But the two of you do need to deal with your emotions but it needs to be done in a way that is healthy for both of you for it to improve things and not make matters harder than they already are. You have what I dream of I wish so badly my A was doing the same things your A is thats a day I can only pray that will come. But I understand that just because he is finally working on recovery that it doesn't undo all the hurt . That will take time. Best wishes to both of you.
Rose
Rose
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
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my codependent need to rescue...
Auriana,
My codependent need to rescue has me wanting to run in and hug you.
I agree with the wisdom in all these posts. I hope they help you move forward. They are right, of course.
But I also want to say you are not wrong for having those feelings you are having. I certainly had them! We all have. We aren't expected to just say it was all ok, everything they did to us, because they were 'sick', and be so perfect as to not feel the hurt anymore.
You will slowly work on your forgiveness, on your letting go, and eventually on your trust. Give yourself the gift of time (one of my favorite Al Anon phrases).
After all, you did say "30 days today" and that isn't exactly a long time!
I am sure you are happy with the changes in him, and I am glad to hear you want to work to change the 'feelings baggage' you are left with. You are doing the right thing by talking about your feelings here, and knowing you want to work to make them go away.
This is the part of your post that went right to my heart:
I felt the same way, asked those same questions.
I truly believe the key to answering it lies in no longer focusing on him, and not allowing your happiness in any way to depend on his success or failure. I know that sounds hard to do at first, but it really is at the core of our codependence and resulting pain.
It's time to let go of what he will or won't do, and how it will make you feel. It is time to work to learn to think of what you will and won't do to make yourself feel happy each day. To find a way to build faith that you will then be able to be happy no matter what he does end up doing or not doing.
I have even heard that once you start changes like that in yourself, it will actually help him in his recovery too.
My codependent need to rescue has me wanting to run in and hug you.
I agree with the wisdom in all these posts. I hope they help you move forward. They are right, of course.
But I also want to say you are not wrong for having those feelings you are having. I certainly had them! We all have. We aren't expected to just say it was all ok, everything they did to us, because they were 'sick', and be so perfect as to not feel the hurt anymore.
You will slowly work on your forgiveness, on your letting go, and eventually on your trust. Give yourself the gift of time (one of my favorite Al Anon phrases).
After all, you did say "30 days today" and that isn't exactly a long time!
I am sure you are happy with the changes in him, and I am glad to hear you want to work to change the 'feelings baggage' you are left with. You are doing the right thing by talking about your feelings here, and knowing you want to work to make them go away.
This is the part of your post that went right to my heart:
How do I stop thinking about all the things that happened? How do I stop tormenting myself with "what if it happens again?"
I truly believe the key to answering it lies in no longer focusing on him, and not allowing your happiness in any way to depend on his success or failure. I know that sounds hard to do at first, but it really is at the core of our codependence and resulting pain.
It's time to let go of what he will or won't do, and how it will make you feel. It is time to work to learn to think of what you will and won't do to make yourself feel happy each day. To find a way to build faith that you will then be able to be happy no matter what he does end up doing or not doing.
I have even heard that once you start changes like that in yourself, it will actually help him in his recovery too.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
ISM....come on man. You know better than to use anything as an excuse to slip. Did you talk to the folks at your Aa meeting about this? What was their response? There is no reason, absolutely none that is good enough an excuse to use to start drinking again. I've been through it all with my husband and now my son. Ain't no reason on God's green earth to slip. Unless you wanted to. Don't dump on her. Yeah, she probably has her problems, but if it's that bad, time for you to move on.
Kathy
Kathy
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 46
Auriana, I think Dunitall has it right. I think the reason you can't get past the pain is because you haven't dealt with the stuff that happened while your husband was drinking. Have you considered marriage counseling? Dr. Phil says that women cannot get over betrayal in their marriage (and even if he didn't have sex with another woman, he betrayed your marriage) unless and until they know that the husband absolutely understands the depth of the pain he's caused by cheating. It sounds to me like even though he has apologized and you have forgiven him, you don't feel like he understands what he did to you.
I don't think that means you have to beat him up with his wrongdoings at every chance, but I think that you can't expect to get over something you haven't dealt with. I don't think you have a chance at a full recovery until you BOTH deal with what happened. And with him being sober this must be an area of the 12 steps that he'll have to deal with eventually, anyway.
SJW
I don't think that means you have to beat him up with his wrongdoings at every chance, but I think that you can't expect to get over something you haven't dealt with. I don't think you have a chance at a full recovery until you BOTH deal with what happened. And with him being sober this must be an area of the 12 steps that he'll have to deal with eventually, anyway.
SJW
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England, UK
Posts: 197
Auriana
You've started a great thread here and there is some amazing advice which I hope has given you some good ideas. To summarise:
-Do something for yourself today
-Get along to an Al-anon meeting
-Consider how you can discuss the issues which have caused the pain and the hurt, without blame or accusation
-Suggest marriage counselling to your A
-Learn to deal with the emotional baggage
-Take it one day at a time
You both have a great chance.
Rich
You've started a great thread here and there is some amazing advice which I hope has given you some good ideas. To summarise:
-Do something for yourself today
-Get along to an Al-anon meeting
-Consider how you can discuss the issues which have caused the pain and the hurt, without blame or accusation
-Suggest marriage counselling to your A
-Learn to deal with the emotional baggage
-Take it one day at a time
You both have a great chance.
Rich
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Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Raleigh, NC (Jersey Girl transplant)
Posts: 676
Auriana,
Wow what a great post. I have two thoughts to add. One is about humility. This past Sunday the minister talked about why humility is in the Bible in so many places and why it is important. She also talked about how difficult it is for people that try to do right to be humble. When you try so hard to do the right thing, you tend to feel proud of that -- and then humility goes right out the window. This leads to my second thought: it helps me to think about the things that I do repeatedly that are harmful and that I am having trouble changing. It helps me with my resentment toward the alcoholic to understand that I too have caused hurt and trouble with my actions. So what can I do today to change my unhealthy actions etc.
I hope this makes sense. As I have grown older, I recognize my weaknesses and to some extent I am able to accept them. I am flawed and it is ok. I know the things that he has done are hurtful, but at some point you must choose to accept them and let them go. In the end it is your choice whether you want to continue allowing them to haunt you. But give yourself a break, 30 days is a short time. It will come.
Wow what a great post. I have two thoughts to add. One is about humility. This past Sunday the minister talked about why humility is in the Bible in so many places and why it is important. She also talked about how difficult it is for people that try to do right to be humble. When you try so hard to do the right thing, you tend to feel proud of that -- and then humility goes right out the window. This leads to my second thought: it helps me to think about the things that I do repeatedly that are harmful and that I am having trouble changing. It helps me with my resentment toward the alcoholic to understand that I too have caused hurt and trouble with my actions. So what can I do today to change my unhealthy actions etc.
I hope this makes sense. As I have grown older, I recognize my weaknesses and to some extent I am able to accept them. I am flawed and it is ok. I know the things that he has done are hurtful, but at some point you must choose to accept them and let them go. In the end it is your choice whether you want to continue allowing them to haunt you. But give yourself a break, 30 days is a short time. It will come.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Washington
Posts: 24
Thank you all so much for your advice, support and encouragement! I printed out the chain and am going to read it over and over when I start thinking about the past. Last night I worked on a bible study called Heal My Hurts, Oh Lord (or something like that) and I learned that healing is a process and takes time (not 30 days, as someone pointed out above). I guess acknowledging the pain (it hit me like a 2 ton weight the other day) is part of the process. Ironically, my AH's meeting last night was on Step 10 (personal inventory). He called me after the meeting and apologized for reacting instead of listening and for not being patient and understanding. It's amazing how much his simple acknowledgement that it is okay for me to be hurt made me feel!
Last edited by Auriana; 10-27-2004 at 09:53 AM.
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Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Auriana:
Just last week I attended a great meeting that dealt with these very questions. Several things were said that
1) Anger and distrust are natural human responses to people and things that have hurt us repeatedly. These feelings are necessary in order for us to get in touch with what we don't like & what we need to set bouandaries around and to encouage us to protect ourselves. When a hurtful situation has dragged on for years, it is unrealistic to expect your feelings about it to change quickly just because progress in the right direction is being made -- and it might, in fact, put us in danger if our feeling did. You need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time for wounds to heal.
2) Perhaps it would be helpful for you (and your husband) to think about your overcoming your anger and distrust as a process, too. There are things you can do to help the process along -- like refocusing yourself when you start to dwell on the past in your mind, praying both for your husband and for yourself, and repeatedly turning things over to your HP, attending meetings, etc...
3) Stay in touch with what you are feeling and learn to recognize when you are acting and reacting in the present and when you are acting and reacting with a whole lot of baggage from the past. For me, I know that, at this point, there are certain feelings that definitely clue me into when I am about to unfairly drag a whole bunch of my own crap from the past into a current situation (in which it may or may not be applicable) and dump it on someone. That recognition is a sign for me to step back and figure out what is really going on for me and what I really want to do about it. When these kind of feelings come up repeatedly in a certain pattern and I seem to have very limited rational control over them despite any al anon tools I try to use, it is usually a good indication that I need to do some serious work on myself and family-of-origin issues.
Anyway, it sounds like you have some good and hopeful things happening in your life, taking time to feel joy and gratitude about that and to focus on the good without beng blind to or forgetful of the bad (Remember: forgiving and forgetting are two very separate things!!!) will give you less time to dwell on the past also.
Good luck -- freya
Just last week I attended a great meeting that dealt with these very questions. Several things were said that
1) Anger and distrust are natural human responses to people and things that have hurt us repeatedly. These feelings are necessary in order for us to get in touch with what we don't like & what we need to set bouandaries around and to encouage us to protect ourselves. When a hurtful situation has dragged on for years, it is unrealistic to expect your feelings about it to change quickly just because progress in the right direction is being made -- and it might, in fact, put us in danger if our feeling did. You need to be gentle with yourself and give yourself time for wounds to heal.
2) Perhaps it would be helpful for you (and your husband) to think about your overcoming your anger and distrust as a process, too. There are things you can do to help the process along -- like refocusing yourself when you start to dwell on the past in your mind, praying both for your husband and for yourself, and repeatedly turning things over to your HP, attending meetings, etc...
3) Stay in touch with what you are feeling and learn to recognize when you are acting and reacting in the present and when you are acting and reacting with a whole lot of baggage from the past. For me, I know that, at this point, there are certain feelings that definitely clue me into when I am about to unfairly drag a whole bunch of my own crap from the past into a current situation (in which it may or may not be applicable) and dump it on someone. That recognition is a sign for me to step back and figure out what is really going on for me and what I really want to do about it. When these kind of feelings come up repeatedly in a certain pattern and I seem to have very limited rational control over them despite any al anon tools I try to use, it is usually a good indication that I need to do some serious work on myself and family-of-origin issues.
Anyway, it sounds like you have some good and hopeful things happening in your life, taking time to feel joy and gratitude about that and to focus on the good without beng blind to or forgetful of the bad (Remember: forgiving and forgetting are two very separate things!!!) will give you less time to dwell on the past also.
Good luck -- freya
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