BrunetteBabe05

This is a venting/hurt post. I am reading the links that were sent to me by a member named dandylion. I still seem to not be able to just let him go as much as I am informed and read, etc etc. I am somewhat aware, but everything he does still hurts me.

He contacted me and tricked me into believing he wanted rehab. I called him and he said he just wanted to check on me (again). He said "Even though we aren't together, you are still my baby." I got angry and said "I am not your baby. The more you cry wolf, the more I am not going to respond to you even if you really go to rehab. I told you to respect my boundaries. You are an alcoholic, you have a horrible disease you need to treat. You can't do this to me and I refuse to be with you like this." He said "Ok, just throw away everything, our two years together all because I like to have a few drinks? You are ridiculous. You are judgmental, You can't accept me for how I am, and I can't accept you for who you are. I need a more chill girl who isn't emotional, judgmental, and disrespectful." I said "Fine throw your life away for alcohol." I hung up.

Then the room mate told me he went to Kimmie's (it's a bar) and it's where that bartender works. But I thought he wasn't allowed there when she works? She works there every weekend and it was a friday. The next day I did ask him thinking it would bring me closure if he sees her, and it would make me move on if he's dating her, I asked for the truth. I said "Your stories don't add up, and I want to know if you are dating this girl." He screamed at the top of his lungs that he wasn't dating anybody. He was very angry. He made it seem like they were friends and I said "Whatever. You are a pig. I am done. I am dating other guys." He made it seem like I was a nuisance for even calling him. He also made it seem like he and that bartender were cool with each other.

John (room mate) called my mother and spoke with her, well he naturally said to my mother. "He came back early last night. That bartender chewed him out and kicked him out of the bar." My mom said "Yeah when I was on the phone with you he came back at like 8 and left shortly before that. " He said "Yeah because that bartender said to get out and never come back. She didn't want him there." "He is not suppose to be there when she's working." My mom said "Well he made it seem like to my daughter that he was friends with her and he didn't mention that at all to her?" The room mate was stunned and said "No he is not friends with her. He is not allowed there. A buddy of mine goes there, and said he was there when your daughter's ex was there, and he said the bartender said he can't be there."

Why would he lie? WHY wouldn't he just tell me "I don't even talk to her I can't even go to Kimmie's that's how much she doesn't like me"? Why did he make it seem like he was friends/cool with her? Then to add salt in the wound, he texts my mother. Curiosity got the best of me again! SHE DID NOT SHOW ME! Let's make that clear. I noticed my mom didn't respond to his texts at all and he sent one early this morning saying "Hey I met a really cool guy who's a drummer last night. He has tats, he's built, and is a cool dude. Let me know and I will give your daughter the hook up. I showed him pics of her and he is very interested."

I instantly cried. How can you even want to see me with another guy not even a month later? How could he even want that? He's letting me know, "I moved on and don't care." meanwhile the room mate said all he does is talk about how much he loves and misses me, and he sends my mom these sappy love texts about me. Yet he's ok with hooking me up with a guy? Are these head games? Or is he trying to get some kind of a reaction? Because I said to him yesterday that I was going to date other guys? Is he messing with me now? He's off today so I know he's going hogwild on the drinking.

My mom said she'll block him because that's why she hasn't responded to his texts. She thought he was too drunk and the one this morning was hurtful. She felt bad and said "I can't even talk to him as a mother figure because he's hurting you. I can't even be nice to him, that's why I just don't respond." I am upset. Has this happened to you? Why is he lying about the bartender? Why is he lying? Why is saying he'll hook me up with some dude? Rubbing it in he moved on but it doesn't seem it? I am so hurt and I know you all are gonna say "move on". I am trying to but it is still fresh, and it hurts that I am just nothing to him as more time passes. Is this typical addict behavior? He goes from one extreme to the other being lovey dovey and missing me, and wanting me, to "Whatever I moved on. She's nothing to me" I don't know what to believe? He said to me "Just because I sent your mother lovey dovey texts, doesn't mean I want you back." When he has asked my mother to tell me he'll be at a hotel and wants me to come there and see him. He wants me back, he said to her he never wanted us to end, he wants me, but then says he doesn't want me just because he expresses how he feels? I don't know what to think anymore. If he even cares or not. I am so hurt and crying with a flu. I can't deal with this.

tomsteve

there are times an alcoholic hates themselves so much they will do what they can to hurt others to make themselves feel better about themselves. the more buttons they can push the better they feel about themselves.
dont expose the buttons.

as far as the 'why is he' questions-
i think they can all be answered rather simply:
untreated alcoholism

AnvilheadII

real easy way to make the crazy train stop......GET OFF. go no contact. not him, not his roommates, not anyone who knows him. the man is not rational....not ONE WORD of what he says should be believed, or even tried to make sense of.

you sound very young.....you don't need this drama/soap opera crap. get it behind you, enjoy life, have fun, be happy.

dandylion

Brunette...yes, it is typical alcoholic behavior. There is a saying that if an alcoholic's lips are moving...they are lying.....that applies to other drug addicts, also.....
You must remember that they are "messed up in the head"....even when they appear to be sober for a few hours....
Immaturity also goes along with the lying...especially, if they started drinking when they were young....maneuvers, like...trying to save face, trying to play jelousy games, manipulating...
Playing jelousy games is typical high school behavior.....
Also, the drinking...especially, heavy drinking interferes with memory, big time....they, often, can't remember half of what they have said or done....
Even if they do care, at some level...as much as they can...they are poor at relationships, because they are just not capable of handling the responsibilities that are involved...A healthy relationship is just out of their reach, when they are at this level of their disease.....
***What tomsteve said, above is right....they hate themselves...so, they will strike out and hurt others, to make themselves feel better....

You are going through the grieving that goes along with a broken relationship.
You can expect it to last for a while...even though it will fade away, eventually....
In the beginning, it really sucks....But, you have to go through it, because there is no way around it...for anyone. To have to grieve before you can heal....
If you continue to work on yourself...next year, you will have a totally different outlook on all of this, and, on life, in general.....he, on the other hand, will probably be still drinking and making a mess of anything he is involved in......

dandylion

Brunette....I asked what are your dreams for your future....lol...so, I am still curious, and, am asking again.....
I believe that this is a very important question for someone of your age.....

In one of my courses I was asked to read a book called "Passages" by Gail Sheehe...the book was written a long time , before...she was a prominent writer on stages of life that we all go through, at one time....
There is one thing that I read in that book, that still sticks with me...
She said that when she was working with young women who were in difficult and bad circumstances....there was one question that she could ask them that was a good predictor of how well they would come through their difficult circumstances.....she would ask them what were their dreams for what they wanted in their life....if, they could answer that question with something that mattered to them..if they still had the ability to dream...she knew that they were probably going to make it....

atalose

You’ve reached a crossed roads in life, one road takes you away from what you feel you want the most – him so you continue to look down that road with questions, why does he lie, if only he didn’t lie then maybe I could stay and help him. Does he care for me or not because if I see signs that he in fact does then maybe I can stay around and get him fixed and offer my support on that effort. Is he seeing someone else because if he is it would make it easier for me to move on and away but if he’s not then why, is it because he cares for me and wants to be with me, because if so then maybe if he agrees to seek help I’ll stick around. All of those kind of questions that have a POSSIBILITY of anything you view as possible will continue to haunt you and you will obsess over. But the fact remains that any answers of anything positive that would bring him back to you as the person you think he can be, involve him making major changes to his life, MAJOR and a total commitment of himself to do so. None of which has appeared at all in any of the shares you’ve posted. As a matter of fact the only sensible thing he seems to have said to you was “you can’t accept me for how I am”. And he is right.

The other road is filled with healing, hurting, crying and endings so that new beginnings for you and only you would be possible.

As many here have told you “the stove is hot” so stop touching it because you keep getting burned.

BrunetteBabe05

I understand what you all are saying. I don't know why I keep holding on knowing this is typical addict behavior. I am "touching the hot stove" and letting myself get burned. I don't know what it will take for me to stop obsessing over someone I love. I can't love him. He only loves alcohol, but no matter what I read I just go right back to rationalizing what he says. The material I read validates his behavior. It's spot on, but yet I am not letting anything sink in that this is all his addiction, and his disease talking.

Am I crazy or am I just a clinger? I will let something personal out that I gave my virginity to him. It took him 6 months to even date me because I had a different outlook on love. I wanted to wait for my one and only. I didn't care how long it took me, I just wanted to be with one person for the rest of my life so I was VERY hard to get. I met him because of my soulmate/ best friend Shayla. She dated him for three years then remained platonic friends with him for the next 5 years. She kept bringing him around. I only knew her for one year but she was my everything and we were so in sync. We were sisters that we both never had. She was the most caring soul I have ever encountered.

I go to college, and that is where I met her. I noticed she liked to party with alcohol, but I didn't know she had a drug addiction. She brought Jake (my ex) around and he was all puppy dog in love with me. I kept pushing him off because I didn't like how he treated Shayla. They both were constantly fighting but he insulted her badly, but treated me like a princess. It was weird.

My best friend was found dead by me. I found her and apparently she overdosed on an insane amount of drugs that I didn't know about until about a month later the examiner called me and told me what was in her system. I was blamed for death because she was in my car, and she overdosed in my car. I didn't know she went out to my car while I was sleeping and shot up. But people blamed me. She slept over my house that night and she did it while I was sleeping. People made up rumors saying I left her in the car to die? I was heartbroken and my image is tainted and wrong. I had people on facebook messaging me, threatening me, telling me to commit suicide, I am a "murderer", a "horrible friend", I "should have known she did drugs". She kept it hidden, so how was I suppose to know? It broke my heart into a million pieces. I couldn't grieve properly and I was harassed day in and day out. My mother and Jake were the only two who supported me and stuck by me. I succumbed to being his girlfriend two weeks after my friend's death.

I was completely naive and 22 years old. Jake treated me like a princess and was like a gentleman. He waited till I was ready to lose my virginity to him, he made me feel like he was "the one". He bought me flowers, took me on awesome dates, bought me anything I wanted, provided unconditional love and support. He was amazing and he kept that image up for 11 months total. His drinking got worse so he then cheated and destroyed my self esteem to the point of me wanting to commit suicide, and attempting it. He felt bad that I attempted it from his mental abuse, so he quit drinking and he was back to that lovely guy I met. Then he relapsed and it was back to that monster Jake.

I have dealt with nothing but two years of a rollercoaster, horrible, toxic, and abusive relationship. He insulted me so badly that I am afraid to show myself to another guy. He insulted my womanhood more than you could imagine. It hurt me to the core. He cheated and said I sucked in bed. It was horrible, but he wasn't like that at all sober. It was like he was a monster and so evil when he was drinking. Sober, he was the lovely guy I met, and he was amazing!

I really miss my best friend. She cared about me a lot and even though she was a drug addict, she really showed me a lot of love and helped me. We couldn't go a day without seeing each other and if we didn't, we talked on the phone for hours. I can't get her lifeless image out of my head. She was my world and I have so much ptsd, trauma, and issues from her death. He was like my savior. I think that's why I am holding on so much, because I felt like I was nothing without my Shayla, but now I feel like I am nothing without him. It's insane, but that's how I feel. Thank you all for commenting back for your support. I am just really hurt and I am not disregarding your advice, wisdom, and insight at all. Just really heartbroken that I was so happy and it all was for nothing. This whole relationship was a waste and I ended up in the category of "regretting my first". Which is what I was trying to avoid. I also financially and emotionally supported him, and was devoted to him. I was the best girlfriend I could be, and I felt that all was just a waste and not even appreciated that I cleaned, cooked, and bought things for him. He went through jobs like water so I was financially supporting him majority of the time. when he got a job he did his part, but only bare minimum. Like he put gas in my car that he used, and he paid for food. Nothing extra or special like what I did for him. It did hurt me. I don't know I am just pathetic and holding on, when I shouldn't be.

PuzzledHeart

Oh my gosh. That's horrible.

Unfortunately, people will sometimes go 100 percent all out to find somebody to blame when someone dies a death that doesn't make any sense at all. You see this all the time when a child dies in an accident. I never read comments on a newspaper article reporting a child's death because inevitably the witch hunters come out and start blaming the parents. It is a thousand times more scary to have a child die in an accident because it means YOUR child could die in an accident, so some people instinctively and unfairly blame the parents in an attempt to make an unexplainable death explainable.

Your Best Friend's death is a death that doesn't make sense, and it never, ever will. And people are blaming you because the thought of a loved one struggling with an addiction right under their own nose is petrifying. If YOU didn't know about your BF's addiction, it means that the same could happen to them. It is easier, not right, but easier for them to think that you were negligent than to think that their loved ones, their own friends, could as easily have an addiction and die under the same circumstances.

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. You're not being stupid. You're just being human. But BOTH of you need to learn how to stand up on your own two feet. He can't rely on drugs to get through the grief, and you can't rely on an unhealthy relationship with him to get him through yours.

It's so hard. I had a friend who died a couple years back - it was harder because she lived overseas and I didn't have enough money to go to her funeral. It also meant that none of my US friends could help me mourn her because they didn't know her. So I felt very, very much alone. There's only so much mutual mourning you can do on Facebook and Skype. The grief made me angry. The grief made me rage. The grief made me do stupid, stupid things.

One of the things I had to learn to do was forgive myself when the grief abated just enough for some sense to pour into my head again. You need to forgive yourself for the things that were never your responsibility to begin with, and for the way you're still holding onto him. Once you do that, perhaps you can begin to let go.

There's so much more I want to say but it's all jumbled in my head right now, and even though I've written and re-written it's turning into one holy hot mess. I will say, and this is going to sound weird, but thank you for writing what you wrote. It reminded me of the friendship I had, of the friendship I lost, and the friendship I STILL have with T.

atalose

What a horrible tragedy you experienced with your best friend, I am so sorry that happened. I think people will always look to blame when a death occurs. Anyone who blamed you for your friends choices is uneducated about addiction. You know in your heart it was not your fault, that there was nothing you could have possible done.

That being said, you cannot hold onto your ex in hopes of saving him because you don’t want a repeat of the tragedy that happened to your friend. I’m sure there is a deep thought process that is wrecking havoc on you regarding that. Maybe it’s time to seek professional help and work through all of those unresolved emotions and help you find a way out of this complex feeling of obligation.

((hugs))

AlcSis

I need to tell you, I asked this question many years ago, in a round about way, when I said to a counselor "I must be crazy for staying in this marriage and taking this abuse".

AND SHE SAID - " YOU ARE". "YOU ARE AN ACOA (Adult Child Of an Alcoholic)."

?What? I said. But I listened to her. My then husband was an alcoholic. She sent me to Alanon. I continued therapy. After a year and a half I finally filed for divorce. And I was a little less "crazy" - (that is, less dysfunctional in my thoughts and that current life situation.)

Your parents may or may not be alcoholics.
But you certainly sound like you come from a dysfunctional home.

AND OMG - dear one, you have been through so much trauma, with the loss of your friend. And you have been treated horribly by your "boyfriend".

You may not be clinically Crazy (whatever that is), but, I will tell ya, if you live with craziness long enough, that state of mind CAN permeate your own. And you might very well cross over into REAL " CRAZY".

Please, listen to the wisdom you have received from this group. You are young. Going to college. You have a whole life ahead of you.

Get some counseling.

Find some new fun loving sober Same Sex Friends to hang with.

Get away and stay away from that "crazy-making" boyfriend.

He. Is. A. Loser. Without a question.

Continue your college, and balance it by having fun with some emotionally healthy peers. Enjoy life!!

(By the way, I don't give straight blunt advice like this often, but well, it seems like you need to hear this from more than just one or two people).

And, I speak from experience; sharing my own Experience, Strength and Hope with you. Has my life been perfect since I left the alcoholic? No, but I seriously don't believe I would be alive if I had stayed.

And yes, codependents, can go "crazy".

You don't want to go there. You aren't there yet. But if you stay where you are, in your head and your heart, you could very well - GO THERE.

p.s. Sending you a safe, heart-felt hug. And saying a prayer for you.

velma929

Drop. The. Rope.

He can't play tug-o-war if you aren't holding the other end. He just can't. Room mate needs to butt out. Maybe because of the times in which I was raised, I wouldn't have dreamed of going through my mother's things.

BrunetteBabe05

I am so sorry I missed this. My dream is to be successful. Whether that means being an X-ray tech or a Psychologist. My dream is to have a simple life with a caring husband, children, a good job, a decent house, and lots of traveling. I just want the typical simple things.

That's very interesting to me! I think I might want to pick up that book. That woman sounds insightful. Something I need in my life. <3

BrunetteBabe05

I am at a healthy place right now about the blame for my friend's death. Therapists I have seen helped me, but I still struggle with the loss of her two years later. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, and your friend's passing. <3 my condolences, and my heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for your wisdom and kind words. Thank you. I am glad you turned around and you aren't letting grief consume you. You are an inspiration. Thank you for sharing your story. I am terribly sorry you went through all of that. It's heart breaking.

Hugs to you my friend. <3 Xoxoxo.

dandylion

Brunette.....those sound like good goals, to me.....
And, they are all attainable....
It does mean that you will have to put your own welfare first...as your top priority, above all else. I know that might sound selfish, by traditional thinking, but, it really isn't. A person has to be healthy to attract healthy.....stable, within, in order to manifest stability....
But, I know that you can do it....if you are willing to do the work...and, I sense th at you are....

Like I said...that book, "Passages" was written a long time ago...and, it was all the rage, at that time. The fundamental premises about the stages of life are still valid, though, in my opinion. It is a very easy and enjoyable read!

Keep reading and learning...and, reaching.....

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you all so very very much for your support, advice, and wisdom. I greatly appreciate it. I am ok and at peace with the fact that I had nothing to do with Shayla's death. I did question if I was a good friend because I missed all the red flags of her being a drug addicted, but the truth is I was a very good friend, but I was sheltered and naive, so no, I did not know and that's ok. Therapists have helped me through that aspect of it, but I still struggle with the loss of her because every time someone abandons me, or if I am alone, all I think about is "Why can't you be here Shayla?" I miss her so much it hurts and her lifeless body haunts me. I had a good therapist but she moved to Florida. I went through therapists like water trying to regain that same connection that I had with my therapist, but none of them seem to add up to her.

I am still on the search for a good one. I need to resolve my issues. Someone asked if I had alcoholic parents. No, I don't, but you are right in saying I grew up in a dysfunctional household. My father is mentally abusive, and my brother rules the house along with him. My other has no power and is abused mentally by my dad. That is why me and my mother only have each other. Her life and mine was surrounded by alcoholics, and drug addicts. Her two sisters were, the one overdosed and died, the other became sober from drugs and alcohol, but she relapsed like 15 years later and she has been out of my mother's life. My mother had to raise her kids on top of raising me and my brother. My grand mother had to help as well with 6 grand kids. It was a nightmare because my mom was the only one who took care of herself and didn't do drugs and drink. They put the load on her, and the cousins grew up very ungrateful of my mother and what she has done to keep them from being in foster care. She got crapped on like me, and they used the hell out of me.

I am trying my best to forget about my ex, and move on. I am trying to realize it's his disease. I am trying but I just break down and hope he calls me from a rehab. I feel so pathetic. It might not ever happen and I don't want to accept that.

I appreciate all the insight. I appreciate everything from each and every one of you. If it wasn't for this forum, I don't know what I would do. I would be completely lost. I was afraid of being judged, and I am glad you all are supportive and not judgmental at all. It means a lot to me. Xoxoxox.<3 <3 <3

BrunetteBabe05

Thank you so much for your support. It means so much to me, and I am very grateful of your advice. I definitely think I will give that book a try. Thank you so much. <3

BrunetteBabe05

Hey everyone! I just wanted to give an update. So, I was sick of him texting me, and my mother. He sent me a text basically saying he needed someone that could accommodate his needs, and I need someone to accommodate mine. I told him "Ok, then leave me alone. Leave my mother alone." He then went on to say I am "violent". I am not a violent person. He is holding onto this one incident where I slapped him because he was being so vicious towards me. Ever since then I have been called "violent" and "aggressive", which is not the case. He has a record of hitting women, but he never hit me because he is scared of the law, because he's paying restitution to his ex because he was violent with her and she got a permanent PFA on him.

I snapped and basically said how violent he was, and how his whole family is violent. These people tormented me too. They are trash and were always insulting me, so I have no respect for them. He defends his brother like no other. I made a point how his brother beats his two year old innocent son to the point of the baby mama going for full custody, and he puts bruises on his child. He luckily didn't respond to me, and hasn't contacted my mother. Everything seemed to be dying down.

Well, I was wrong. That was a personal text message sent to him, but he told his brother what I said. His brother facebook messaged me saying I am mental, and crazy, and he doesn't beat his child *rolls eyes*. I blocked him on facebook, and didn't respond at all. Then his new girlfriend who I only met one time, and spoke on the phone with three times, text messaged me and insulted me to the core, to the point of me crying. I didn't respond to her. I went up to the police station because she just kept sending me text after text calling me crazy, and how people don't like me, and how I should kill myself. Meanwhile, this girl is not even the birth mother to this child, she doesn't even care about his child, only her own. That's why the family doesn't even like her. Also, she started drama with me before when my ex lied about me. But at least when I said "Leave me alone if you aren't going to believe me or hear my side of the story. There's no point in texting me and berating me. Grow up." she stopped. I couldn't stand that girl because she was always looking for a fight that was unwarranted. And she believed everything my ex said that was not true.

So, the cops told me to text her and say "I filed a police report, please stop messaging me or harassment charges will be pressed." I did exactly that and she sent a stream of text messages, so the cops did press charges on her for harassment. All I want is to be left alone. I am sick of people hurting me. I am luckily not being bothered by him and neither is my mother but he had to cause drama in some other way. He didn't have to tell his brother the personal text I sent him, and have the brother's unhinged girlfriend text me repeatedly mean and hurtful text messages.

I am just so angry that he won't let things die down. Now, I have to go to court because he opened up his mouth and had his trash brigade come at me. Is this also normal and typical behavior from an addict? Have you had similar experiences like this? Where your ex alcoholic bf/gf caused drama in your life when you aren't contacting them, or just trying to move on peacefully? I hate him more than anything. I just want to be left alone. I don't deserve this and these horrible insult from a girl who barely knows me, and just takes his side.

SparkleKitty

If you just want to be left alone, you will have to take the initiative to block his number, his girlfriend's number, and all the rest from Facebook, email, etc. There is nothing to gain from staying in contact.

Oftentimes, people who behave this way don't want anything from you except an emotional response -- good, bad, love, hate, doesn't matter, they just want a rise out of you. It's a beast you have to stop feeding if you don't want it to grow.

Suzette33

I feel for you. I hope it has all ended and I am really proud of you for going to the police. Seems like a new phone # may be in order. I have been through similar situations and manipulated via phone and was attached to all those contacts. That can easily be remedied. I just hope you realize their are SO many fish in the sea. SO many men out their and it seems you have a high threshold for love, meaning you could find something lovable about a lot of people. If you begin dating again, please be very disciplined with yourself. Vet thoroughly! No one who has ever been in trouble with the law, no one who has many past relationships. No addicts, no one who cheats or lies. I am 47 and have been dating since I was 14. And not one of them was worth the heart ache they caused. Well, there was one. Good men are hard to find. Move forward carefully and invest your time in good girlfriends, work you love and your mom!