My ex alcoholic boyfriend misses me but won't tell and is lying
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Thank you all for your much needed support and advice. <3 I am truly sorry a lot of you went through this. It's really heartbreaking. </3 I know you all are saying to let go, but I can't. I am trying hard to fully let him go.
He contacted my mother through email apologizing. My mother did look at him as a son, and she is very frustrated and angry with him, but she asked me if it was ok for her to talk to him, or if it would feel betraying or hurtful to me. I told her she can talk to him, but just don't tell me anything. She said she didn't want to betray me, and will just cut him out. My mom is a very loving person, and she grew close to my ex. He treated her with respect. He had a horrible mother and father. His mother abused him and his dad did too. His dad should have been in jail. They both should have. His mom put a gun to his face when he was 7 years old, all because he was jumping on the bed. His dad choked him and beat him all day every day, starved him, you name it, he did it. They both need to rot in hell.
My mother showed him the love he needed from a mother figure. So he always liked talking to my mom, and always was close to her. My dad is not warm and fuzzy, so you can't get close to him. I figure I won't cut that off for him, because he does love my mom. I did go through my mom's phone (which is wrong I know) and I succumbed to curiosity.
Yesterday was my birthday, so he text my mom a picture of us and said "Happy Birthday to the most beautiful soul I have ever met. Unfortunately, things turned for the worst, due to my drinking, and inappropriate behavior. I really did fall in love with her and I will always love her forever. I just wish her well and I am sorry if she feels I ever wronged her, because when I entered this relationship, I had just gotten through that Chrissy crap (his ex), and I wanted to show someone who deserved it how much I could love and protect them. I know she did the same. The way she treated me, respected me, and adored me. I am so sorry for all of this pain and agony. I guess I am just meant to be alone, but I am glad she is finally free from me and my demons. I know she hates me but I only wish her the best. I know someday she will marry a very lucky guy man that will give her what she deserves. With that said, I just want to wish her a a Happy Birthday and I hope she feels better. Take care.
(I am sick with a flu so that's what he meant by "feel better") My mother responded politely, but what I don't get is that if I am so great then why doesn't he fight for me and get help for himself? If I am so amazing and he admitted he was wrong in the relationship then why not change that? He also said to my mom "I really don't blame her for not being with me. I messed up this whole relationship and I have a drinking problem." My mother keeps encouraging rehab, but he doesn't respond to her. He sent that text sober because it was while he was working and he never drinks while he works. Both texts. This is eating me up. Because it was more like a farewell text where as my mom looked at it as a sucking me back in text. I didn't get that at all. I just don't get it, if he wants me back and I am so amazing, then he should try to do anything in his power to get me back.
He contacted my mother through email apologizing. My mother did look at him as a son, and she is very frustrated and angry with him, but she asked me if it was ok for her to talk to him, or if it would feel betraying or hurtful to me. I told her she can talk to him, but just don't tell me anything. She said she didn't want to betray me, and will just cut him out. My mom is a very loving person, and she grew close to my ex. He treated her with respect. He had a horrible mother and father. His mother abused him and his dad did too. His dad should have been in jail. They both should have. His mom put a gun to his face when he was 7 years old, all because he was jumping on the bed. His dad choked him and beat him all day every day, starved him, you name it, he did it. They both need to rot in hell.
My mother showed him the love he needed from a mother figure. So he always liked talking to my mom, and always was close to her. My dad is not warm and fuzzy, so you can't get close to him. I figure I won't cut that off for him, because he does love my mom. I did go through my mom's phone (which is wrong I know) and I succumbed to curiosity.
Yesterday was my birthday, so he text my mom a picture of us and said "Happy Birthday to the most beautiful soul I have ever met. Unfortunately, things turned for the worst, due to my drinking, and inappropriate behavior. I really did fall in love with her and I will always love her forever. I just wish her well and I am sorry if she feels I ever wronged her, because when I entered this relationship, I had just gotten through that Chrissy crap (his ex), and I wanted to show someone who deserved it how much I could love and protect them. I know she did the same. The way she treated me, respected me, and adored me. I am so sorry for all of this pain and agony. I guess I am just meant to be alone, but I am glad she is finally free from me and my demons. I know she hates me but I only wish her the best. I know someday she will marry a very lucky guy man that will give her what she deserves. With that said, I just want to wish her a a Happy Birthday and I hope she feels better. Take care.
(I am sick with a flu so that's what he meant by "feel better") My mother responded politely, but what I don't get is that if I am so great then why doesn't he fight for me and get help for himself? If I am so amazing and he admitted he was wrong in the relationship then why not change that? He also said to my mom "I really don't blame her for not being with me. I messed up this whole relationship and I have a drinking problem." My mother keeps encouraging rehab, but he doesn't respond to her. He sent that text sober because it was while he was working and he never drinks while he works. Both texts. This is eating me up. Because it was more like a farewell text where as my mom looked at it as a sucking me back in text. I didn't get that at all. I just don't get it, if he wants me back and I am so amazing, then he should try to do anything in his power to get me back.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Brunette.....I hope you are reading the articles that I gave you a link to in your other thread....
Of course you don't "get it" because you are not an alcoholic and you don't understand how alcoholism works...the course of the disease.....
What applies to normal healthy relationships is turned upside down in addictive relationships.....
You are going to go through a period of grieving....it is the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
This relationship will damage you and you will have a future filled with pain...
Is this the kind of life and future that you want for yourself?
Of course you don't "get it" because you are not an alcoholic and you don't understand how alcoholism works...the course of the disease.....
What applies to normal healthy relationships is turned upside down in addictive relationships.....
You are going to go through a period of grieving....it is the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
This relationship will damage you and you will have a future filled with pain...
Is this the kind of life and future that you want for yourself?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Brunette.
I wish I had answers to your questions and a way to take away your sorrow.
Sadly, alcoholics talk the talk—“I miss you. You were great. I messed up. I wish you the best and hope you meet someone amazing.”
But they don’t walk the walk. That is, stop drinking, embrace sobriety and recovery.
Round here we say, “Words are words. It’s the actions that count.”
Your ex is showing you loud and clear what his priority is, and it isn’t the relationship.
Why did he send such a loving, apologetic text? Can’t say.
Trying to figure out an addict’s motive will make us crazy.
Go ahead and be sad. Time will heal.
I wish I had answers to your questions and a way to take away your sorrow.
Sadly, alcoholics talk the talk—“I miss you. You were great. I messed up. I wish you the best and hope you meet someone amazing.”
But they don’t walk the walk. That is, stop drinking, embrace sobriety and recovery.
Round here we say, “Words are words. It’s the actions that count.”
Your ex is showing you loud and clear what his priority is, and it isn’t the relationship.
Why did he send such a loving, apologetic text? Can’t say.
Trying to figure out an addict’s motive will make us crazy.
Go ahead and be sad. Time will heal.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Canada
Posts: 81
My ex ABF did similar things after I cut him off for good - inappropriate and drippy birthday cards to my mom, etc. It's called triangulation and it's a form of manipulation. It's actually a huge act of disrespect to drag third parties into the emotional mess he's caused you. Neither you or your mom is responsible for his upbringing or current actions and consequences to those actions. I had to learn to detach myself from any urges to comfort or help and let it go -- it's not easy but you have a lot of support here from folks who've gone through the exact same thing.
He's actually not even feeling those real feelings if he's drinking - he's not truly feeling anything real - and he can't receive and benefit from your authentic love. That's the tough part to accept when we're lovers and givers and feel responsible for others and feel sorry for them. He may or may not have been 100% truthful about his stories in his upbringing either - they may be exaggerated or flat out imaginary to garner sympathy and "bonding" from you.
Big hugs.
He's actually not even feeling those real feelings if he's drinking - he's not truly feeling anything real - and he can't receive and benefit from your authentic love. That's the tough part to accept when we're lovers and givers and feel responsible for others and feel sorry for them. He may or may not have been 100% truthful about his stories in his upbringing either - they may be exaggerated or flat out imaginary to garner sympathy and "bonding" from you.
Big hugs.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by dandylion 
Brunette.....I hope you are reading the articles that I gave you a link to in your other thread....
Of course you don't "get it" because you are not an alcoholic and you don't understand how alcoholism works...the course of the disease.....
What applies to normal healthy relationships is turned upside down in addictive relationships.....
You are going to go through a period of grieving....it is the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
This relationship will damage you and you will have a future filled with pain...
Is this the kind of life and future that you want for yourself?
Of course you don't "get it" because you are not an alcoholic and you don't understand how alcoholism works...the course of the disease.....
What applies to normal healthy relationships is turned upside down in addictive relationships.....
You are going to go through a period of grieving....it is the short-term pain for the long-term gain.....
This relationship will damage you and you will have a future filled with pain...
Is this the kind of life and future that you want for yourself?
You are right though. I guess it's normal for me to feel this way. Thanks again for your advice and support. Xoxo
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by h00ped
My ex ABF did similar things after I cut him off for good - inappropriate and drippy birthday cards to my mom, etc. It's called triangulation and it's a form of manipulation. It's actually a huge act of disrespect to drag third parties into the emotional mess he's caused you. Neither you or your mom is responsible for his upbringing or current actions and consequences to those actions. I had to learn to detach myself from any urges to comfort or help and let it go -- it's not easy but you have a lot of support here from folks who've gone through the exact same thing.
He's actually not even feeling those real feelings if he's drinking - he's not truly feeling anything real - and he can't receive and benefit from your authentic love. That's the tough part to accept when we're lovers and givers and feel responsible for others and feel sorry for them. He may or may not have been 100% truthful about his stories in his upbringing either - they may be exaggerated or flat out imaginary to garner sympathy and "bonding" from you.
Big hugs.
He's actually not even feeling those real feelings if he's drinking - he's not truly feeling anything real - and he can't receive and benefit from your authentic love. That's the tough part to accept when we're lovers and givers and feel responsible for others and feel sorry for them. He may or may not have been 100% truthful about his stories in his upbringing either - they may be exaggerated or flat out imaginary to garner sympathy and "bonding" from you.
Big hugs.
I am so sorry you dealt with the same crap. <3 My heart goes out to you. I didn't know that he could be doing triagulation. That is something new to me but very informative. His upbringing was confirmed by his siblings. His brother received the same treatment and his brother doesn't drink at all or do drugs. He is a very stand up guy and distanced himself from him due to his drinking. I wouldn't believe it either but his two sisters and brother confirmed that the parents were pure evil, and abused them, and starved them all the time. The brother said the mother would put a gun to my ex's face all the time when he was a child and she would actually **** back the gun, and say something psychotic like "One more word, and I will blow your brains all over the wall." She did it to the brother too. It's heartbreaking and she should have been in jail. I appreciate you sharing your story and insight. I am sad that everyone has experienced, but also relived that I am not alone in this.
Addicts really are all the same it's crazy how your ex sounds just like mine. <3
Hugs back to you. Thank you. <3 Xoxo.
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Brunette...I am glad to hear that you are willing to read and to learn.....that, along with time, will help you a lot....
I, also, recommend that you read "Co0dependent No More"...it is practically a "bible" in these parts...lol....
The disease is stronger than your love, or whatever feelings he might have had for you....
He will never be able to keep anything that he wants, until he is willing to do the work it takes to deal with his own problems....if, ever.....
I, also, recommend that you read "Co0dependent No More"...it is practically a "bible" in these parts...lol....
The disease is stronger than your love, or whatever feelings he might have had for you....
He will never be able to keep anything that he wants, until he is willing to do the work it takes to deal with his own problems....if, ever.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by dandylion
Brunette...I am glad to hear that you are willing to read and to learn.....that, along with time, will help you a lot....
I, also, recommend that you read "Co0dependent No More"...it is practically a "bible" in these parts...lol....
The disease is stronger than your love, or whatever feelings he might have had for you....
He will never be able to keep anything that he wants, until he is willing to do the work it takes to deal with his own problems....if, ever.....
I, also, recommend that you read "Co0dependent No More"...it is practically a "bible" in these parts...lol....
The disease is stronger than your love, or whatever feelings he might have had for you....
He will never be able to keep anything that he wants, until he is willing to do the work it takes to deal with his own problems....if, ever.....
He had a horrible upbringing with a lot of abuse and trauma. His parents should have been in jail for what they did to him and his brother mostly. They got the beatings the worst out of two sisters. His mother is a sociopath and so is his dad. His dad moved away and changed his name, they were left in poverty and they struggled. The mother hooked up with men to use them for money and she would let these boyfriends mistreat and beat her children. I don't know what mother what do that? My mom wouldn't even allow my biological dad to spank me and my brother. My mother is gentle and loving, but she would act crazy if my dad wanted to spank us that he was scared of her lol. So my dad never hit us, and my mom never did either. Everything was diplomacy. That was my parents approach. I grew up in a non violent home, but my ex's home was extreme violence and I am surprised every one of the siblings lived. They were starved, there was sexual abuse with my ex from his dad and mother, and apparently the brother was sexually abused by the parents too. The dad choked and locked the brothers in the basement without food and water for 2 to 3 days. The dad looked for reasons to beat my ex and his brother violently. My heart breaks for the abuse he endured and he always says he has flash backs. I think that's why he drinks himself to death, but now it's at a point of no return it seems.
It's so heartbreaking because he's a talented drummer and threw that all away.He seemed to do healthy things to get rid of the anxiety and traumatic thoughts. He would drum all day long. He told me before alcohol, after he got beaten by his dad he would just go to his drumset. He threw it all away for alcohol because he couldn't handle his anxiety and depression from his upbringing and his parents insulted him to the core too. Just sad. Thank you for so much insight <3 xoxo.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Brunette....I agree with you that his childhood treatment is heartbreaking...it is even hard to think about.....I certainly do understand your compassion....
He needs a lot of help.....a program to maintain sobriety and a very special type of therapy, in addition to that.....Those who have suffered trauma and abuse need specialized support and therapy....and, he will need it for several years....
The alcoholism never goes away...but, it can be kept in remission, if he is willing to live by the principles of a 12step program, like AA....
He will need the support of an abuse support group as well as a therapist who is trained in treating abuse....
You are not equipped to be able to help him with these things...and, you are too close to it, anyway......
He needs a lot of help.....a program to maintain sobriety and a very special type of therapy, in addition to that.....Those who have suffered trauma and abuse need specialized support and therapy....and, he will need it for several years....
The alcoholism never goes away...but, it can be kept in remission, if he is willing to live by the principles of a 12step program, like AA....
He will need the support of an abuse support group as well as a therapist who is trained in treating abuse....
You are not equipped to be able to help him with these things...and, you are too close to it, anyway......
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What happened to the……………….
You could read his messages but you couldn’t read the links dandylion suggested? hummm
Why does he say those things…………..because he’s manipulating you and your mother, trying to get you to feel sorry for him, poor me, I messed up, I’m sorry, you deserve better. Bla blab la……..it’s so typical alcoholic behavior.
The truth is if he did care as much as he says he wouldn’t be bothering your mother with messages he knows she will show you. He’d leave you in peace, he’d stop interjecting himself and all his crap words into your life.
He’s not sober, no alcoholic is that consumes the amount you say he does is ever sober, at best they haven’t consumed any yet, but they are very much operating with an alcohol soaked brain. You say he starts work at 5AM that means in order for him to be alcohol free (sober enough to pass a breathalyzer) he would have had to not have any alcohol at all for 12 hours prior, which means not a drop to drink from 5PM and from what you have shared, that’s probably never the case.
Your inability to let go is equal to his inability to let go of drinking……………….
When we don’t let go we get dragged, battered, bruised and hurt.
No contact = no new hurts!!!!
I told her she can talk to him, but just don't tell me anything.
Why does he say those things…………..because he’s manipulating you and your mother, trying to get you to feel sorry for him, poor me, I messed up, I’m sorry, you deserve better. Bla blab la……..it’s so typical alcoholic behavior.
The truth is if he did care as much as he says he wouldn’t be bothering your mother with messages he knows she will show you. He’d leave you in peace, he’d stop interjecting himself and all his crap words into your life.
He’s not sober, no alcoholic is that consumes the amount you say he does is ever sober, at best they haven’t consumed any yet, but they are very much operating with an alcohol soaked brain. You say he starts work at 5AM that means in order for him to be alcohol free (sober enough to pass a breathalyzer) he would have had to not have any alcohol at all for 12 hours prior, which means not a drop to drink from 5PM and from what you have shared, that’s probably never the case.
Your inability to let go is equal to his inability to let go of drinking……………….
When we don’t let go we get dragged, battered, bruised and hurt.
No contact = no new hurts!!!!
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think you'd feel a lot better if you get out of his head and stop obsessing over him.
The drama...what are you getting from it? Attention? Feel superior? I know when I was in the drama, I got a kick out of the adrenaline/worry/trying to figure everything out for everyone else, and out of feeling smarter-than and playing therapist.
Only, I'm not a therapist and I was making myself sick by spinning, spinning, spinning; trying to control it all and fix it (him.)
The drama...what are you getting from it? Attention? Feel superior? I know when I was in the drama, I got a kick out of the adrenaline/worry/trying to figure everything out for everyone else, and out of feeling smarter-than and playing therapist.
Only, I'm not a therapist and I was making myself sick by spinning, spinning, spinning; trying to control it all and fix it (him.)
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
My XAH told me he loved me many, many times too. What's more, he did many things that showed me he cared--for instance, while I was out of town one weekend, he re-arranged the room I slept in so my bed was next to the big south-facing windows, so I could lie in bed and read, something I loved to do, while being able to gaze out the window if I chose to. He fixed/built a LOT of things around the old farmhouse I live in. He supported me in every way he could while I started running, completed my first marathon, and eventually went on to run Boston twice. There was a LOT of good, a lot of kindness, in the beginning.
But during this entire time (married 19 years, together 21), he ALSO: lied to me about anything and everything, even when there was no reason to do so; smoked cigarettes and hid it from me, then declaring he'd quit each time he was caught and starting the cycle over again within days; drank and hid the drinking from me, and when I questioned him, he lied about it; pretended for FOUR YEARS to go to AA meetings but never went; financed the smoking and drinking from our savings while falsifying the financial records and lying about THAT, too.
So what was true, Babe? Did he really love me, and the lying/stealing was just a quirk? Or was the lying/stealing the real thing, and the "love" all a front? We are 2 years divorced, and I am damned if I know the answer to this even now. All I DO know is that I couldn't live w/that any longer.
We are still in touch. He is still, so far as I know, drinking. I hope he gets that "moment of clarity" and decides to fight his addiction with all the resourcefulness he put into lying/hiding/stealing for so many years, but in the end, I made the decision not to put my one and only life on hold while I waited to see what HE decided to do w/HIS life.
But during this entire time (married 19 years, together 21), he ALSO: lied to me about anything and everything, even when there was no reason to do so; smoked cigarettes and hid it from me, then declaring he'd quit each time he was caught and starting the cycle over again within days; drank and hid the drinking from me, and when I questioned him, he lied about it; pretended for FOUR YEARS to go to AA meetings but never went; financed the smoking and drinking from our savings while falsifying the financial records and lying about THAT, too.
So what was true, Babe? Did he really love me, and the lying/stealing was just a quirk? Or was the lying/stealing the real thing, and the "love" all a front? We are 2 years divorced, and I am damned if I know the answer to this even now. All I DO know is that I couldn't live w/that any longer.
We are still in touch. He is still, so far as I know, drinking. I hope he gets that "moment of clarity" and decides to fight his addiction with all the resourcefulness he put into lying/hiding/stealing for so many years, but in the end, I made the decision not to put my one and only life on hold while I waited to see what HE decided to do w/HIS life.
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I told her she can talk to him, but just don't tell me anything.
so why did she show you this:-
Yesterday was my birthday, so he text my mom a picture of us and said "Happy Birthday to the most beautiful soul I have ever met. Unfortunately, things turned for the worst, due to my drinking, and inappropriate behavior. I really did fall in love with her and I will always love her forever. I just wish her well and I am sorry if she feels I ever wronged her, because when I entered this relationship, I had just gotten through that Chrissy crap (his ex), and I wanted to show someone who deserved it how much I could love and protect them. I know she did the same. The way she treated me, respected me, and adored me. I am so sorry for all of this pain and agony. I guess I am just meant to be alone, but I am glad she is finally free from me and my demons. I know she hates me but I only wish her the best. I know someday she will marry a very lucky guy man that will give her what she deserves. With that said, I just want to wish her a a Happy Birthday and I hope she feels better. Take care.
It's pure drunken manipulation and your mum is enabling him by responding and showing you which he obviously knows she will do.
Nothing about this is helpful to your recovery. You need to be focussing on you not second guessing why he writes the drivel he does. ( cos he drunk and feeling sentimental and wants to keep you on the back burner in case his latest conquest goes wrong..how do I know? I've been there with my exah ) Unless you go no contact which mean your mom keeping quiet if she persists in keeping contact with your ex you will find it harder to get over him. Not everyone who has a bad childhood becomes an alcoholic. I didn't and thousand like me. It's just a poor excuse to drink.
so why did she show you this:-
Yesterday was my birthday, so he text my mom a picture of us and said "Happy Birthday to the most beautiful soul I have ever met. Unfortunately, things turned for the worst, due to my drinking, and inappropriate behavior. I really did fall in love with her and I will always love her forever. I just wish her well and I am sorry if she feels I ever wronged her, because when I entered this relationship, I had just gotten through that Chrissy crap (his ex), and I wanted to show someone who deserved it how much I could love and protect them. I know she did the same. The way she treated me, respected me, and adored me. I am so sorry for all of this pain and agony. I guess I am just meant to be alone, but I am glad she is finally free from me and my demons. I know she hates me but I only wish her the best. I know someday she will marry a very lucky guy man that will give her what she deserves. With that said, I just want to wish her a a Happy Birthday and I hope she feels better. Take care.
It's pure drunken manipulation and your mum is enabling him by responding and showing you which he obviously knows she will do.
Nothing about this is helpful to your recovery. You need to be focussing on you not second guessing why he writes the drivel he does. ( cos he drunk and feeling sentimental and wants to keep you on the back burner in case his latest conquest goes wrong..how do I know? I've been there with my exah ) Unless you go no contact which mean your mom keeping quiet if she persists in keeping contact with your ex you will find it harder to get over him. Not everyone who has a bad childhood becomes an alcoholic. I didn't and thousand like me. It's just a poor excuse to drink.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by atalose
What happened to the……………….
You could read his messages but you couldn’t read the links dandylion suggested? hummm
Why does he say those things…………..because he’s manipulating you and your mother, trying to get you to feel sorry for him, poor me, I messed up, I’m sorry, you deserve better. Bla blab la……..it’s so typical alcoholic behavior.
The truth is if he did care as much as he says he wouldn’t be bothering your mother with messages he knows she will show you. He’d leave you in peace, he’d stop interjecting himself and all his crap words into your life.
He’s not sober, no alcoholic is that consumes the amount you say he does is ever sober, at best they haven’t consumed any yet, but they are very much operating with an alcohol soaked brain. You say he starts work at 5AM that means in order for him to be alcohol free (sober enough to pass a breathalyzer) he would have had to not have any alcohol at all for 12 hours prior, which means not a drop to drink from 5PM and from what you have shared, that’s probably never the case.
Your inability to let go is equal to his inability to let go of drinking……………….
When we don’t let go we get dragged, battered, bruised and hurt.
No contact = no new hurts!!!!
You could read his messages but you couldn’t read the links dandylion suggested? hummm
Why does he say those things…………..because he’s manipulating you and your mother, trying to get you to feel sorry for him, poor me, I messed up, I’m sorry, you deserve better. Bla blab la……..it’s so typical alcoholic behavior.
The truth is if he did care as much as he says he wouldn’t be bothering your mother with messages he knows she will show you. He’d leave you in peace, he’d stop interjecting himself and all his crap words into your life.
He’s not sober, no alcoholic is that consumes the amount you say he does is ever sober, at best they haven’t consumed any yet, but they are very much operating with an alcohol soaked brain. You say he starts work at 5AM that means in order for him to be alcohol free (sober enough to pass a breathalyzer) he would have had to not have any alcohol at all for 12 hours prior, which means not a drop to drink from 5PM and from what you have shared, that’s probably never the case.
Your inability to let go is equal to his inability to let go of drinking……………….
When we don’t let go we get dragged, battered, bruised and hurt.
No contact = no new hurts!!!!
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by Ladybird579
I told her she can talk to him, but just don't tell me anything.
so why did she show you this:-
Yesterday was my birthday, so he text my mom a picture of us and said "Happy Birthday to the most beautiful soul I have ever met. Unfortunately, things turned for the worst, due to my drinking, and inappropriate behavior. I really did fall in love with her and I will always love her forever. I just wish her well and I am sorry if she feels I ever wronged her, because when I entered this relationship, I had just gotten through that Chrissy crap (his ex), and I wanted to show someone who deserved it how much I could love and protect them. I know she did the same. The way she treated me, respected me, and adored me. I am so sorry for all of this pain and agony. I guess I am just meant to be alone, but I am glad she is finally free from me and my demons. I know she hates me but I only wish her the best. I know someday she will marry a very lucky guy man that will give her what she deserves. With that said, I just want to wish her a a Happy Birthday and I hope she feels better. Take care.
It's pure drunken manipulation and your mum is enabling him by responding and showing you which he obviously knows she will do.
Nothing about this is helpful to your recovery. You need to be focussing on you not second guessing why he writes the drivel he does. ( cos he drunk and feeling sentimental and wants to keep you on the back burner in case his latest conquest goes wrong..how do I know? I've been there with my exah ) Unless you go no contact which mean your mom keeping quiet if she persists in keeping contact with your ex you will find it harder to get over him. Not everyone who has a bad childhood becomes an alcoholic. I didn't and thousand like me. It's just a poor excuse to drink.
so why did she show you this:-
Yesterday was my birthday, so he text my mom a picture of us and said "Happy Birthday to the most beautiful soul I have ever met. Unfortunately, things turned for the worst, due to my drinking, and inappropriate behavior. I really did fall in love with her and I will always love her forever. I just wish her well and I am sorry if she feels I ever wronged her, because when I entered this relationship, I had just gotten through that Chrissy crap (his ex), and I wanted to show someone who deserved it how much I could love and protect them. I know she did the same. The way she treated me, respected me, and adored me. I am so sorry for all of this pain and agony. I guess I am just meant to be alone, but I am glad she is finally free from me and my demons. I know she hates me but I only wish her the best. I know someday she will marry a very lucky guy man that will give her what she deserves. With that said, I just want to wish her a a Happy Birthday and I hope she feels better. Take care.
It's pure drunken manipulation and your mum is enabling him by responding and showing you which he obviously knows she will do.
Nothing about this is helpful to your recovery. You need to be focussing on you not second guessing why he writes the drivel he does. ( cos he drunk and feeling sentimental and wants to keep you on the back burner in case his latest conquest goes wrong..how do I know? I've been there with my exah ) Unless you go no contact which mean your mom keeping quiet if she persists in keeping contact with your ex you will find it harder to get over him. Not everyone who has a bad childhood becomes an alcoholic. I didn't and thousand like me. It's just a poor excuse to drink.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: Pittsburgh
Posts: 58
Originally Posted by honeypig
My XAH told me he loved me many, many times too. What's more, he did many things that showed me he cared--for instance, while I was out of town one weekend, he re-arranged the room I slept in so my bed was next to the big south-facing windows, so I could lie in bed and read, something I loved to do, while being able to gaze out the window if I chose to. He fixed/built a LOT of things around the old farmhouse I live in. He supported me in every way he could while I started running, completed my first marathon, and eventually went on to run Boston twice. There was a LOT of good, a lot of kindness, in the beginning.
But during this entire time (married 19 years, together 21), he ALSO: lied to me about anything and everything, even when there was no reason to do so; smoked cigarettes and hid it from me, then declaring he'd quit each time he was caught and starting the cycle over again within days; drank and hid the drinking from me, and when I questioned him, he lied about it; pretended for FOUR YEARS to go to AA meetings but never went; financed the smoking and drinking from our savings while falsifying the financial records and lying about THAT, too.
So what was true, Babe? Did he really love me, and the lying/stealing was just a quirk? Or was the lying/stealing the real thing, and the "love" all a front? We are 2 years divorced, and I am damned if I know the answer to this even now. All I DO know is that I couldn't live w/that any longer.
We are still in touch. He is still, so far as I know, drinking. I hope he gets that "moment of clarity" and decides to fight his addiction with all the resourcefulness he put into lying/hiding/stealing for so many years, but in the end, I made the decision not to put my one and only life on hold while I waited to see what HE decided to do w/HIS life.
But during this entire time (married 19 years, together 21), he ALSO: lied to me about anything and everything, even when there was no reason to do so; smoked cigarettes and hid it from me, then declaring he'd quit each time he was caught and starting the cycle over again within days; drank and hid the drinking from me, and when I questioned him, he lied about it; pretended for FOUR YEARS to go to AA meetings but never went; financed the smoking and drinking from our savings while falsifying the financial records and lying about THAT, too.
So what was true, Babe? Did he really love me, and the lying/stealing was just a quirk? Or was the lying/stealing the real thing, and the "love" all a front? We are 2 years divorced, and I am damned if I know the answer to this even now. All I DO know is that I couldn't live w/that any longer.
We are still in touch. He is still, so far as I know, drinking. I hope he gets that "moment of clarity" and decides to fight his addiction with all the resourcefulness he put into lying/hiding/stealing for so many years, but in the end, I made the decision not to put my one and only life on hold while I waited to see what HE decided to do w/HIS life.
I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I feel so bad. I can see that you are stronger which is good. <3 I am glad you are at a healthy point in your life. Your story really inspired me, hopefully I will get to that healthy point. Xoxoxo.
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Posts: 58
Originally Posted by biminiblue
I think you'd feel a lot better if you get out of his head and stop obsessing over him.
The drama...what are you getting from it? Attention? Feel superior? I know when I was in the drama, I got a kick out of the adrenaline/worry/trying to figure everything out for everyone else, and out of feeling smarter-than and playing therapist.
Only, I'm not a therapist and I was making myself sick by spinning, spinning, spinning; trying to control it all and fix it (him.)
The drama...what are you getting from it? Attention? Feel superior? I know when I was in the drama, I got a kick out of the adrenaline/worry/trying to figure everything out for everyone else, and out of feeling smarter-than and playing therapist.
Only, I'm not a therapist and I was making myself sick by spinning, spinning, spinning; trying to control it all and fix it (him.)
I think I am just really holding onto too much hope he will wake up and realize he has a problem.
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Brunette.....I know the kind of pain that you feel. I have been through a heartbreak and it really sucks when you are still in the middle of it. You have done all that you could do.....
It is out of your hands, at this point.....and, that is a hard pill to swallow, I know.
I think you are very brave to want to improve your life and your future....and you can do it!!
After what you have shared, here...I think that the group Adult Children of Alcohoics might be a good fit for your specific needs....(even if one of your parents was not an alcoholic..it still applies to dysfunctional family relationships). You can google to find a group in your area....and, even if you cannot find a group....you can get their literature from the book section of amazon.com......you can get it pretty cheap if you get the used books.
You can go to alanon, of course....and it would be a good idea for you to get your own personal counselor, in addition.
While you are healing from the trauma of this relationship...this is a golden opportunity for you to devote a couple of years to getting in touch with your own self....and getting insight into who you are and what you need/want in life....
It would make the biggest change in your life, of anything you could do.
I think you have a lot of potential....to find happiness, and not just to exist....
You have been through enough hard times...it is time to change that...lol!
I am curious (I always am..lol)....what are your dreams for yourself?
It is out of your hands, at this point.....and, that is a hard pill to swallow, I know.
I think you are very brave to want to improve your life and your future....and you can do it!!
After what you have shared, here...I think that the group Adult Children of Alcohoics might be a good fit for your specific needs....(even if one of your parents was not an alcoholic..it still applies to dysfunctional family relationships). You can google to find a group in your area....and, even if you cannot find a group....you can get their literature from the book section of amazon.com......you can get it pretty cheap if you get the used books.
You can go to alanon, of course....and it would be a good idea for you to get your own personal counselor, in addition.
While you are healing from the trauma of this relationship...this is a golden opportunity for you to devote a couple of years to getting in touch with your own self....and getting insight into who you are and what you need/want in life....
It would make the biggest change in your life, of anything you could do.
I think you have a lot of potential....to find happiness, and not just to exist....
You have been through enough hard times...it is time to change that...lol!
I am curious (I always am..lol)....what are your dreams for yourself?
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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BB, if you click on the member's name on the left-hand side of the screen, you will get a drop-down list that offers several options, including "find more posts by Member" and "find all threads started by Member."
This can be a really useful tool. You can use it to read any member's whole story if you like--the journey some have been on is truly amazing, and it can be very inspiring to see where they started and how far they've come. You will also find others who seem to fall into the same hole, over and over.
Recovery for the A involves a lot of hard work, tough questions, and consistent effort, and ours is not one bit different. Since the answer and the timetable are never exactly the same for any of us, we EACH will need to read here, get to Alanon meetings, search out educational resources, find books/recordings/web sites about healing, recovery and inspiration, do yoga or meditation or take long walks, WHATEVER it may take for us to heal, learn and grow. Others can share their experiences w/us, but in the end, it's all on the individual to make their own decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions.
It is an ACTIVE process, not a passive one. On the one hand, we can't rush healing and learning--as you may hear it said here, "time takes time." On the other, time alone will not "heal all" unless there is learning and growth that goes along with it.
For myself, I've gotten tons of help from reading here at SR and going to Alanon. I've checked out many, many books from my local library and listened to CDs on any number of self-help/recovery topics while in my van at work. And I've tried to be open to all that happens around me in the course of the day--insights can come at any moment, if only my eyes are open to see them and my heart is open to understand what's happening.
It's a long road, and there are dark and painful times, but there are also times of incredible beauty and joy. This quote says it well, I think:
Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet.
You took the first step in coming here. Keep on doing the next right thing and you'll find your own path to freedom.
This can be a really useful tool. You can use it to read any member's whole story if you like--the journey some have been on is truly amazing, and it can be very inspiring to see where they started and how far they've come. You will also find others who seem to fall into the same hole, over and over.
Recovery for the A involves a lot of hard work, tough questions, and consistent effort, and ours is not one bit different. Since the answer and the timetable are never exactly the same for any of us, we EACH will need to read here, get to Alanon meetings, search out educational resources, find books/recordings/web sites about healing, recovery and inspiration, do yoga or meditation or take long walks, WHATEVER it may take for us to heal, learn and grow. Others can share their experiences w/us, but in the end, it's all on the individual to make their own decisions and deal with the consequences of those decisions.
It is an ACTIVE process, not a passive one. On the one hand, we can't rush healing and learning--as you may hear it said here, "time takes time." On the other, time alone will not "heal all" unless there is learning and growth that goes along with it.
For myself, I've gotten tons of help from reading here at SR and going to Alanon. I've checked out many, many books from my local library and listened to CDs on any number of self-help/recovery topics while in my van at work. And I've tried to be open to all that happens around me in the course of the day--insights can come at any moment, if only my eyes are open to see them and my heart is open to understand what's happening.
It's a long road, and there are dark and painful times, but there are also times of incredible beauty and joy. This quote says it well, I think:
Recovery is being asked to give up everything you know to get something better that you don't understand yet.
You took the first step in coming here. Keep on doing the next right thing and you'll find your own path to freedom.
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