Bittersweetlove

With a heavy heart it has been confirmed that my ex has end stage liver disease. Since leaving he has lost a considerable amount of weight. I knew when I saw a picture of him how thin he was. How exhausted he looked. I knew this was likely down the road yet I am not prepared to accept he likely won’t last much longer. He now can barely walk.

1) how do I prepare myself for this he has despite his diagnosis refused all treatment and will not stop drinking.

2)His mother said they have been told his mental state will likely slip further rather fast. He will likely become mean, abusive and will likely not resemble anything close to the person I loved. How do I protect myself and yet cope with this?

3) How do I make peace for myself while he is still alive?

4) I’m not sure if I can see him like this is that something I will regret when he passes? How do you loving detached when it’s near the end? Should I write a letter maybe?

I oddly had a feeling he was in a bad way yet I can’t stop crying knowing he likely won’t ever find his way out of this. I feel for his family he is in his early 30’s.

I know I made the right choice by leaving I’m not questioning that, I also know myself enough to know this is really going to be hard to cope with and I don’t want to have regrets.

All advice I will be endlessly thankful for.

marie1960

How awful. What a tragic testimony of what this disease can do. No one can tell you what to do, or how you should or should not feel at this sad time. My personal thought, if you are comfortable seeing him again then that is what you should do. If sending a card is all you would like to do, that would be fine also. I did read the part about his mental state may deteriorate quickly so I am thinking you may only have a small Time period to decide, and sometimes not doing anything is also it’s own answer. Peace to you at this, difficult time.

OpheliaKatz

I am so sorry that this is happening right now. I have no advice to offer, as I fear that the same things will happen to my x. **{hugs****

stephengb

Sorry no advice I can give, apart from do what is right for you and don't feel guilty about whatever you decide. This one of the saddest things I have read all the best.

Seren

It is always tragic to hear when someone's illness has reached this point through their own actions. I am so sorry for your pain!

Whether you decide to see him or not is entirely your call. What do you hope will happen if you go and see him? Do you just want to say good-bye? Did you already say good-bye when the relationship ended? Are you prepared for his reaction, whatever it may be (blame, rage, non-recognition)?

Whatever you decide, we will be here for support. I wish you peace and clarity!

hopeful4

Sending many hugs to you.

Mango blast

No contact is an option. Within that space, mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health can heal and flourish. There is no changing his future. You can direct yours.

Three c's regarding his illness: you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it. It's okay to pause, take a deep breath and take a new action of putting your needs, wants and desires first before anything else.

Do you have current goals in your life that bring you joy? Those deserve attention. Keeping ties with someone who is deep in their illness is like trying to drive a car to a beautiful new future, yet running off the road into a ditch.

Bittersweetlove

I made peace to an extent when I left and wasn’t in contact with him for months. I did this because I truly believe I did everything I could to encourage him to seek treatment and it was stunningly clear that choice (his choice) was not in the cards. His mental clarity was noticeably slipping as well...

I think I’m struggling with my own denial. I think I convinced myself if I left he would maybe be forced to survey his actions and make a better choice for himself. I hope naively that we would meet again once he had gotten better. I now must accept that he isn’t going to get better.

This was the worst case scenario and I didn’t really think it would happen so fast. I love this person I want him to be ok. I’m scared to see him die like this. I’m scared he is going to say horrible things to me and it’s not a memory I want of him. I’m scared he is going to die alone. I’m scared he is going to hurt himself. I’m scared because I know there is absolutely nothing I can do. I’m just really scared. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this and I’m not sure what to do

atalose

When we deny we delay and like most of us you left with thinking that your absence would be the impact that would change him and as most of us witness, that is not the case and the grieving begins.

I know I would not want to see my ex in that condition nor would I risk the possibility of his rage and profanity towards me.


I am sorry for your pain.

Maudcat

Hi, Bittersweetlove. Very sorry. For your sadness.
It kind of sounds like you have made peace with your ex already, at least in your own mind.
Not sure what seeing him would do.
Me, I would light a candle for him and pray for you, him and his family.

shauna71

I really love what Maudcat said. This is just so sad for everyone involved. Remember that saying your goodbyes, sending him love and wishing him peace can all be done from a distance - they can be done through prayers. I cannot offer you any advice, it is a heartwrenching decision. Take a deep breath and focus on the best course of action for you. Choosing not to see him doesn't mean you are being uncaring. Your posts have been full of compassion and love - I hope you are able to extend that to yourself at such a difficult time. I am so sorry for your pain.

FeelingGreat

My mother is wonderful with dying people, and I've learnt from her. If you do want to communicate, I suggest you talk about one or two happy memories from before his addiction ruined things.
If you're talking in person, maybe ask him about when he was a kid, or some moments that were special to him.
No need to talk about the sad parts; you both know what happened.

hopeful4

You can talk to us. You are not alone. There are many here who have walked the same walk who understand your fears and sadness. Gentle hugs friend.

Ariesagain

It sounds as if the person he once was that you loved isn't really there anymore. Once addiction has completely taken over, anything he is likely to say won't make much sense. But there is the danger that he will lash out and you will take it to heart. Or that he will say everything you always wanted him to...too late.

There are two lives here...one, yours, is in recovery. His is not. It sounds very selfish on paper, but your life takes priority. There is much of your progress to be risked by seeing him again.

He could also linger for some time, which could very well mean you would get sucked in again, especially since his mother is contacting you this way.

Keep yourself safe. If it helps you, write a letter with everything you would want to say and then hang onto it for a little while. See if your instincts say to send it or not.

There are some things for which there is no right answer.

Sending you a hug.

Mango blast

How are you, today? (((Hugs)))

teatreeoil007

You can always 'talk' to us, Bittersweet. I feel for ya, I really do. My advice is very little I'm afraid. Don't do anything you'll regret, I guess. I think a person can detach and also visit dying people, but the key is to visit with detachment, if that makes any sense at all. I know you still love him and always will. He might know that too. You had to leave him for your own good, though. Pray and meditate about this and perhaps ask yourself what will bring you peace. Sending you a big giant hug. Hang in there.

Filly

******{Hugs******** Just wanted to let you know that whatever you are or are not able or willing to do, as long as it honors your feelings and knowledge of what you can handle, will be exactly the right thing.

I feel strongly that you can only regret something later if you didn't consider your options carefully at the time with love and compassion, along with self-knowledge. In choosing to look at your options through everything you know and feel to be true right now and making a decision from that place, you are making it from love and you honor yourself along with the ill person for doing your very best. I feel that knowing you did your very best at the time completely prevents any future regrets IMHO

In a similar situation I found peace in making my choices based on what I knew to be right for me at the time and what I believed I could handle emotionally. "Shoulds" that didn't feel like the right thing to do for me or good for me mentally or emotionally were loud messages to me that I needed to look at myself and do only what I believed to be the right thing for me at the time, not what I thought I was supposed to do. Giving myself permission to do that lightened my heart immediately. I felt very grounded in my choices which helped if they were questioned by anyone. I could respond with "I am doing/have done my very best".

I know some people are better at dealing with difficulties and the emotions involved around sickness, terminal illness and death than others. Any individual's actions taken or not taken as a result of our own individual self knowledge and capacities are absolutely OK.

Hope this helps somewhat and please know that you are not alone.

OpheliaKatz

From knowing people who have lost parents at a young age, I would say it's hard to live without regret. But don't blame yourself for the outcome of your choices. If you choose to see him and you come away from it feeling worse, don't blame yourself for that choice. It's hard to know what the right thing to do is. I hope that before he goes he finds his peace, but he's really decided that he wants to go a certain way, and I guess everyone has to respect that. It's so hard to bear witness to suicide (no matter how long it takes for them to die). I have you in my prayers.