Stealth mode. He relapsed. I'm healing.
 

This sucks. Another relapse. Great news is I'm not spinning in it.

Called police for safety and support for myself and DS10. Left the city where we were visiting him. Turned off cell phone. When I turned it on there were multiple attempts to contact me from more than one number. Not law enforcement. Turned the phone back off. It's dead now and I'm not going to charge it. I can live without it for a while. Not very long ago I didn't think that was possible. Now it's a gift to be free from it.

I'm so thankful for learning how to go no contact. Sucks that I need to. Glad I can. I plan on at least 7 days of no contact with anyone about this. Police have been notified that he's had past incidents while using, and of mental illness.

Not sure where tomorrow is taking me, but for tonight DS and I are safe and warm and far away from the fallout zone.

I'm sorry you and your son are still dealing with this person's relapses and chaos.
No contact is always a good choice in such a situation.
What kind of therapy / support is your son getting on a consistent basis?

It seems that he has been exposed to this for most of his young life.
As I posted on another thread, this kind of exposure led to life-altering negative consequences for me as it does for so many COA kids.

Please do not underestimate your child's need for support--on-going

Being on the road, no permanent address, no "safe zone" must so stressful for both of you, but kids in particular need a safe zone and some predicablity
in their lives.

I never knew what was next as a child. Sounds like this may be the case for your son also.
You as an adult may be able to handle this far more easily then he.
Remember, kids quite often "fake" being OK so as to not rock the boat and to reassure the adults around them. Especially COA kids like your son.

Please be well and perhaps this may be a signal from the Universe that you should consider not letting your addict in your family space for a good long time if ever.

I am sorry ktf. I am glad you are both safe. Huge hugs.

Money and a single place to live does not equate to safety, security or happiness. Especially when mental illness/alcoholism/ addiction is involved.

DS10 and I now have many places that are home to us. All of Montana is our home plus so much more. Camping in mountains, staying at one of our many favorite Airbnb's or hotels... or finding new ones, or (more rarely now that we're much more self sufficient) staying with sober, healthy friends we trust.

We laugh, play, explore. We have many favorite foods, restaurants and activites. We are allowed to have a full range of emotions, likes and dislikes.

Through the example of healthy Alanon and Alakid/Alateen members we've found a recovery that has us enjoying life, and getting mad, being sad, having peaceful quiet times and noisy playful times.

We've also had other therapy as needed.

As much as I used to want a home of my own, my goals have grown as my experiences have grown. Now I want to own multiple homes and use them for ourselves and vacation rentals for others. The more we travel, the more clear this is becoming.

Ideas that were planted are now a reality. We were introduced to the idea of camping in the snow last winter and got to experience it up Hyalite canyon near Bozeman two weeks ago. To wake up in a tent -- warm, cozy and laughing -- to a winter wonderland around us with a creek flowing nearby was absolutely fabulous.

Then a few days later we were back to a favorite Lodge full of history, love and luxury.

Everwhere we go, we are finding more than we need.

I would like to have a healthy relationship with my husband.

Right now that entails living my life fully, safely and in healthy growing expectations and experiences, and in that being able to surround our son in those things... and giving my husband the freedom to make a life of his choosing.

More will be revealed. I'm in no hurry. I'm enjoying today and looking towards what I can do... building a solid life for myself and our son on my own.

Homeschooling note...

This is our first year for DS10 homeschooling and learning opportunities are everywhere.... history, architecture, algebra, NASA robotics, spelling, reading, etc.

He's been soaking it up like a sponge, even when he doesn't realize it. Much the same as we were soaking up what was around us before... now we're deliberately choosing what we want exposure to, what we want to learn now.

His circle of friends is also expanding in very good, healthy ways.

I'm really sorry ktf - but you know me, I gotta try to spin the positive in this stuff....

These types of challenges in my recovery ultimately showed me things about myself & my growth (or lack thereof) that I would not have been able to see fully otherwise. Beyond my newfound abilities to change the way I reacted to the situation, I found that I was able to ACT independently of it as well. Meaning, I didn't just press pause and wait for the crisis to play itself out in a safe zone, I actively lived my life & continued to pursue my interests, etc.

It was such a process. At first it was a huge success to just not get dragged into the drama. Then I worked on separating emotionally in addition to physically, but that kept me in this sort of vacuum where I didn't get enmeshed but I also didn't progress. Eventually I graduated to total separation - inasmuch as one CAN fully separate in a marriage with kids & shared finances. Detachment AND continued, independent, progressive & unapologetic living of our lives for both DD & myself.

In fact, my biggest confirmation that I was on the right path when RAH relapsed years ago was DD's reaction to it at the time (she was 9) - "I've got a test today that is REALLY important, I CANNOT miss school - that sucks for dad, but he put himself there too. I really need to focus on this test right now." :lmao

I'm sorry this is happening in your world right now & especially sorry that it sounds like you & DS were there to witness a least part of it. :grouphug: