Vivisectus

One of the things that struck me last night was that it is going to be a long, slow and frankly risky process from now on. There is no quick fix. Mrs Sectus is not just going to come home all fixed up from rehab.

Of course I realized this on a superficial level, but some of the implications of that are just starting to sink in.

The statistics are not great, apparently. 33% of people who visit the rehab center she goes to never have to go back. Another 33% need one or more extra treatments, and then get on a good recovery track. The rest? They die of alcoholism. Plain and simple.

Some part of me was just waiting for her to get better so things can be like they were, only a bit better. But that is simply not the case, and it should not be the case. That would just be a continuation of the old pattern.

I am sure loads of people have done the same thing. Your spouse drinks, and chaos ensues. You go into crisis-management mode until the drinking abates again for a while. Then there is a certain amount of soul-searching, a lot of good intentions on both sides, promises to do better. And then you pretend that the problem has been solved, and that you can go back to the way things were before. You more or less pretend you trust them again, give them the same amount of responsibility and the same role in the family that they had before. You kind of make yourself believe this time things will be different, because you want it to be true.

Only you DO doubt them. And when you voice that doubt, you get a lot of defensive flak. Your doubts are hurtful to the drinker, and by being suspicious you are just making it harder on the drinker, who is just trying so hard to do better. You feel like you are letting the side down somehow on the one hand, and that makes you feel ashamed. But on the other hand part of you gets angry, because you clearly have every right to be suspicious. After all, alcoholics lie and deny all the time.

With us that generally resulted in miscommunication and conflict. And the result of that is that the whole subject becomes too charged. I felt I could not bring it up, because part of me was afraid of pushing her into a self-pity session, which would then lead to drinking. The whole classic eggshells problem. Well, eggshells one moment, and then when I DO talk about it, I am full of fear and anger and frustration and I do not communicate effectively, which leaves room for all kinds of denial, deflection, etc.

But now it is a different ballgame. We cannot deny that this is a chronic mental illness, a problem that we are working on but that is not going to go away soon. Maybe never. There is a good chance that she will relapse, and I need to make sure I am ready for that.

That means that I need to make sure I am in a good place myself, and that I can give the children everything they need regardless of what she is doing.

In IT we call that redundancy, as I am sure loads of you know already. It means that every subsystem that an IT solution relies on must be able to fail, without the system as a whole going down for even a minute. A system has redundancy if there is no single point of failure - a single part of the whole whose tasks cannot be taken over by another.

I need to build that in to my life. I need the skills, knowledge and balance to make sure that life continues at an acceptable level regardless of whether she drinks or not. I simply will not be able to really count on her for a long time, so for the foreseeable future nothing can really depend on her anymore.

Mrs Sectus was not happy with that at all. But for me it is strangely liberating.

Seren

The fact that there is no quick fix for addiction is something we, the long-timers, try to stress to the newbies all the time. It is a mental disorder years in the making. The family dynamics that develop around it are years in the making. It takes some time and work for things to get better.

It is a lifelong journey. I liken it to diabetes since I am diabetic. It is something I will work to control and maintain my whole life.

And yes!! You and your children can have peaceful, joy-filled lives regardless of whether your wife is drinking or not

dejavuwife

My husband is in the hospital and is likely coming out for a PHP program (instead of staying inpatient), and I am realizing the same things. This is far from over, and to always feel like Plan B (or redundancy) is occupying mind space may be draining at times.

I am realizing that I have two parts of myself that keep taking turns coming up--there is sympathetic, loving dejavuwife and angry, hurt dejavuwife. They both exist, but I have realized that the angry/hurt version needs to share more with friends than with AH because he is not in a place to receive it--he will accept more responsibility for his poor actions when I am not throwing my hurt/anger onto him at my pace.

Did you tell Mrs. Sectus about the redundancy? I have noticed that when my AH has moments where he realizes that I can do it on my own, he does throw up his defensive walls and tells me to set him free with a divorce. I ask him if that is what he wants, and he quickly reels it back in. No, it is not--he is just scared. I am, too. I don't want to lose what we had before the addiction took hold, but I also am aware that I will be fine no matter what.

andyh

it sounds like you're realistic about your wife's situation when she leaves rehab, which is very positive.

I would caution against a hot-standby wife though

Vivisectus

I do recognize that. What I would like to learn is to not have to be either, to be frank. I want to be able to express doubts, fears and frustrations candidly and honestly without it becoming a frustrated venting session. I want to be able to be compassionate and supportive, while still expecting others to respect my boundaries. I want those two persons to become one balanced one.

Mrs Sectus did not like it much when I told her about it. She still hasn't quite cottoned on to the fact that since we are now treating her addiction as a chronic illness, that also means remission is something that must be planned for. And yes, she did immediately go down the "So I guess you want me to leave" route, among others.

Vivisectus

Hahaha very true. Even a nuclear reactor does not have THAT much cooling capacity.

dejavuwife

I would like that, but I feel like this early in the game, it depends on the moment as to whether or not my AH is ready/open for my candidness. One moment he will accept it and agree while the next moment he gets defensive.

hopeful4

I think your post is very wise. I got to a point that I sought counseling from a specialist who helped families deal with addiction, FOR MYSELF. No, I am not an addict. However, I did realize I had to come to a point that no matter what was going to happen, I had to be strong enough to be able to handle it for myself, and for my children.

This was wise because as it does, the alcoholism and RX pill addiction continued to escalate to a point that we ended up in divorce. It was an ugly ending, but because I had that counseling and support I was able to be the mom my kids needed me to be.

Many hugs.

dandylion

The following books about early recovery might be helpful for anyone interested....
"Loving someone in Recovery"
"Everything Changes"
"Living With Sobriety"
They are available on amazon.com fairly inexpensively.....

dandylion

O.K.....maybe, I am a little dense...but, what is a "hot standby wife"?

andyh

sorry, bit of a geek joke. in redundant systems you generally have a backup ("standby") system powered up ("hot") & ready to be switched to in the event of the primary system failing.

Ariesagain

So...older geek here. Is a third generation backup still a thing?

You've analyzed a chaotic situation rather brilliantly. Bravo.

Hoping it all goes well. At least you're ready for what might lie ahead.

Sending you a hug.

dandylion

andyh....thanks for the explanation!
loll....I can't wait to drop that phrase in a conversation with my son or some of the geeky people that I know.....

NotAPeach

Yes. This really stinks. I'm pretty pissed off about it, alternating with sad. On the other hand, I feel a strange sense of liberation. I totally get this.

Vivisectus

Same here. Also, I am not always in a good enough place to just be candid without getting too angry to keep things nice and clear, without going on the attack myself. But the way I see it, this is a process, or rather two processes.

I am working on communicating clearly before I get frustrated, and setting boundaries without resentment. She has her own work to do. It is good for me and the people around me for me to be get better at these things, even if she will not always be able to accept it.