Rehab - week 1.5
 

So this morning I am gathering all the stuff Mrs Sectus needs during her inpatient treatment. Sweets. Clothes I washed for her. Cigarettes. Some art that our youngest made for her. It is visiting day today, so later I will be driving over with one of our older daughters and the youngest sprog.

And then it sort of hits me - why did I let it get to this? How on earth did I allow someone to do this to me?

Not in a sort of self-pitying or panicky way. Not in a depressed way. I am not beating myself up. I just feel genuinely curious and bit concerned, as if I am asking a friend: why did I accept this? How did I allow myself to condone someone treating me in this ****** way? Because I did condone it. I spent more time trying to understand her and making excuses for her than I ever did trying to understand my own reactions.

I think I am going to need to carve out some space for myself. Set some new boundaries. Claim things for my own. Figure out what I need, and what I find important, and how I want things done. Because I get the feeling I have stopped being almost everything except an alcoholics husband, and a father to some children with hangups. Bloody hell that sounds codependent.

Don't you just love (hate) these small revelations about self? Sort of like waking up from a fog, right?

You'll get this! It took a while to get to this point, it will take a bit of work to get back to "you" again. Wishing you a peaceful day!

Yes My boundary was I flatly refused to visit exah in rehab or allow our kids to visit either. Their lives have been blighted enough. He would phone with shipping orders of stuff he wanted taking in but I ignored him. We were divorced by then and he still felt entitled to ask me to do things for him and buy things. I think it's healthier thinking you are questioning why you do so much for her and have no time for your own life.

I think perhaps you are a boiled frog, Mr. Sectus. Don't take it personally! ;)

Check this article for the story of the boiled frog and see if you don't feel a little bit amphibian-ish afterwards:
Weekly Lesson for Living: Parable of the Boiled Frog

Welcome to the club! You are in good company. I've certainly been there and am still there figuring it out. The water gets hot so slowly...

Ahhh yes. It's a sign that you are coming out of the fog. It will continue the more healthy YOUR mind becomes.

well, I am running a sort of parallel situation with ya. My husband is in detox right now. We've been married a zillion years. I definitely love him. He definitely loves me. Things got bad. It was his idea to go and I found him this crazy nice place accidentally. Was not my intent. I realized he needed a co-occurring diagnosis place and googled it, one thing led to another and the next thing we knew, I was booking a ticket across the county for 36 hours hence. He has been there about a week give or take.

The place is quite spiffy. I think it might be horrifically expensive. For whatever reason, our insurance covers 100% of it. Off he went. They take his cell phone for a period of time, 30 days I think. Works for me. There were a few bumps to work out but I think we mostly have that all handled, me and the dude that, for lack of a better term, "handles" me. He's very nice. Told me to contact him any time. I told him not to worry, that was unlikely. That's not my thing.

However, a thing not being my thing and then actually experiencing it are two different...things. But I still haven't needed to, so I haven't. Wanted to? Worried? Yes. Did not do it.

The 4 to 5 pm hour is full of anxiety for some reason. Noticed the pattern. Weird. Try to anticipate it and scrub things or go outside when it hits.

They sent me a book and a DVD. Read the book today. Ok. Makes a lot of sense. Eye opening. Revelatory. I do not have to be dragged down by his **** decisions. Excellent news that I should have realized.

Anyway, our kids are raised and flown from the nest. I imagine it is much much more difficult to be in your situation. So sorry.