blackandblue7

Hello, this is my first post. I was wondering if I could get some advice. I've recently fallen for someone who is a recovering drug addict. Things were going great, but now we're not talking. I'm certain there's a spark still, but the last thing I want to do is do her recovery any harm. Sorry if this seems like small beer, but any advice might stop me from worrying and overthinking things.

I met her in a bar in Brighton, England, and we instantly hit it off. So we arranged for me to visit her where she lives (in Newcastle, the other side of the country). Three weeks later, after regular texting, I met her for five days, which seemed to go perfectly: fun days out, public affection, great sex, enjoyable conversation, romantic things etc. She's interesting, intelligent, quirky, energetic and very attractive.

Near the end I asked if we could meet again. To my genuine surprise, she basically said no. First, she mentioned the distance, but then went on to make a number of criticisms which were both petty and unfair (one being that it took me 'a bit long' to work out how to close the window blinds. Huh?).

However, as the conversation progressed, she opened up to me about her past drug addiction and involvement with Narcotics Anonymous (NA). She's been clean for 8 months. Unfortunately, at the time, I don't think I appreciated the significance of what she had told me, so I pressed it further as to why we couldn't at least meet again. (In retrospect, having read more about NA, I should have taken a massive step back.)

I left the city the next afternoon without any plans to see each other again. (Despite this, we were intimate all the way to the end; cuddling in bed in the morning, long kiss goodbye etc). I texted her that evening saying how much I'd enjoyed the few days, and she replied back saying the same thing. However, we haven't really communicated since. I've deliberately not sent her loads of messages.

Of course, she may have just decided she didn't particularly like me after all. But, genuinely, considering how intimate we were, I find it hard to believe that's the case. It wasn't just me being keen, the affection was mutual - even after we'd had the difficult conversation.

So my questions are, does this sound like familiar behaviour for someone in recovery? And what would be the best way to proceed? I'm guessing the best bet is to take things very slowly and respect her decision if she still doesn't want to meet again.

One more thing: on one night, we smoked weed together. This was before I knew about her past addiction. (She got it out herself. I've never bought any in my life). I'm guessing this would not be encouraged by any NA course? In which case, obviously I feel guilty about how my presence may have influenced her.

Many thanks,

J

andyh

I would enjoy your memory of your time together & move on. in any case, it sounds like she's made the decision & it's out of your hands!

and you're right, smoking weed does not fall under NA's definition of abstinence. however, don't feel bad about it, it was hers & her choice to smoke it, nothing to do with you.

Ariesagain

She doesn't sound all that nice, actually, even disregarding the drug problem. Window blinds are a thing??

It sounds like she wanted a romantic fling fix, not a relationship, and has moved on.

Please don't pursue this. She will just use and abuse you and since you want more than that, only heartbreak will follow.

Sending you a hug.

honeypig

Welcome, blackandblue. I'm going to link a thread on this topic for you here. I think it'll resonate more than a little bit--another internet romance, intense meeting, and then vanishing act:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ld-friend.html (New relationship with old friend)

I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum, making sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page. There is a ton of education, information, and inspiration to be had here. I'm sorry for the situation you find yourself in, but as others have said, she has pretty clearly made her choice and there's no point in continuing to chase her.

dandylion

blackand blue.....sex is not, necessarily, proof of love.
I get it that you got your hopes up due to your early attraction...and, you are probably feeling the awful sting of rejection, right now.
Let that wound heal.
I can tell that you don't know much about addiction.....who does?

I am giving you this link to the educational section of our "Stickies"...above the threads...
There are dozens and dozens of excellent articles on addictions and the effects of it on the l oved ones. I hope you will look them over and read the ones that appeal to you.......

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

By the way....this whole scenario could have taken place, whether she was an addict or not.....The addictive behavior is an additional red flag, though, in my opinion. (a rather big one).......

the dating game is not for the weak of heart....I suggest that you dress your wounds and pick yourself and go forward, considering it another lesson learned. thankfully, quite early.
At this point, you will appear as "groveling" . A woman is either into you or she isn't. Most women find groveling unattractive, under any circumstance.
Preserve your own pride and dignity. There are pleanty of attractive, intelligent, interesting women left on the planet....
I have been around long enough to know how a pretty face can send someone spinning...but, in the big picture, it takes more than that...lol...

blackandblue7

Thanks folks. This is the first time I've posted on any forum, let alone one about drug addiction. The comments are really helpful.

(Just to say, we met randomly in a bar, through mutual friends, not through the internet. And although she is a pretty face, I fell more for her personality and energy than anything else.)

Anyway, I know the post comes across as grovelling. Thankfully I've kept that to myself mostly and not bombarded her with it. Certainly, I need to respect myself: I don't really have anything to apologise for.

I don't think I'll completely give up, but I'll definitely ease off and stop thinking about it. Maybe we might be able to talk it through properly at some point. What will be will be. Cheers.

SparkleKitty

Regardless of her history with NA, she has told you that she does not wish to pursue a further relationship with you. She has told you No. No means no.

To phrase it as "giving up" implies she has laid down some sort of challenge for you to overcome. How about looking at it as "letting go" of reinterpreting her No as some kind of Maybe instead?

AnvilheadII

well let's see....after the -do you want to see me again? no, and by the way here is a list of petty criticisms about you that i did not like - you had no problem resuming intimacy with her. so it wasn't exactly necessary for everything to be going well......

i'm not sure this is as much an addiction thing as a person thing. altho meeting in a bar and smoking pot aren't exactly hallmarks of glowing recovery.

bottom line as sparklekitty said, she said no. and No means NO. consider it a long one night stand and move on.

Ladybird579

Tbh I think her drug recovery is secondary to the fact she saw you as a hook up for a few days. That hurts but sex isn't love. I think you dodged a bullet with her. I'd chalk it up to experience and move on.

atalose

I totally agree, NO means NO................when people show you who they are the first time...........believe them.

You said you won't completed give me, give up on what exactly? She's already told you she's not interested in meeting again, what is there for you to talk through properly?

Remove the fact she is a recovering addict and you still have someone not interested in the same thing you are, time to move on.

blackandblue7

Perhaps I poorly worded the bit about her answer. It was an 'I'm not sure...will it work?' and we didn't make any plans. There was never a 'no', although I know it was still a negative response. (We had previously chatted about what we could do next time.)

I'm aware this could be nothing to do with addiction. And the sex is largely irrelevant, it's more to do with how we were together generally. Thanks again for the replies. Most probably, I'll put it down to experience.

Ariesagain

You sound like a very nice person and there are plenty of other women out there who aren't in some kind of half-baked recovery and really, really want a real relationship and are trying to meet someone just like you.

Don't miss out on that chasing this, yes? If you read other threads here, you can see how you're fortunate to not be sucked into this vortex.

Sending you a hug.

NYCDoglvr

You met a recovering drug addict in a bar? I wouldn't consider her in recovery, she's simply substituting one drug for another. Her messages don't seem very "mixed": she said no. See it as a short-term fling that just didn't work out and move on.

Nata1980

Recovering drug addicts don't hang out and bars and don't smoke weed. She is a train wreck. And she is not very nice either

There are plenty of women out there that don't have addiction problems. I was married to a sober alcoholic/drug addict, who then relapsed 6 years into our marriage. Any history of addiction is a deal breaker for me these days.

atalose

It’s really about how you felt about yourself in being with her. Kind of like chasing that high and not wanting it to end.

NYCDoglvr

Ditto. If he was channeling Bill Wilson I would avoid an alcoholic/recovering alcoholic.

velma929

It sounds like familiar behavior for someone who has not even started recovery.