Let Her Move Back In?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3
Let Her Move Back In?
Hi, this is my first post here and I'm desperate for some feedback on how to handle my situation. I've read so many posts here and elsewhere and am not really sure what the right thing to do is.
Long story short, I married the love of my life 2 years ago and had never felt so in love before meeting her. Im 49 years old and have been in enough relationships before to know. We bonded and connected so well and I truly felt like it would be forever. I never felt that before.
Her drinking problem became apparent fairly quickly when she would drink at least a 6 pack of beer every night, and of course I would cry and plead with her, not understanding how she could do this to herself and to me. She would use all the tactics that A's use to turn it around. And always apologizing the next day, etc. promises, and on and on.
Fast forward, she lost her dream job that she had gotten only a few months prior due to drinking and finally agreed that she needed help. She went to an outpatient rehab for 4 weeks that was crap. She started and went to AA meetings pretty much every day. After relapsing several times she reluctantly let me take her to a better rehab center where she stayed 9-3 every day for almost 5 weeks (since she wasn't detoxing at the time we went there they wouldn't let her be an inpatient) although we could pay for their halfway house on campus. She agreed that if at any time she felt like being out in the world after he day program ended each day she would go stay at the rehab.
Around 3 weeks into the program I noticed that her breath smelled of alcohol a couple times a week and when I confronted her she denied it. I told her case worker on a family call we had about this and my AW denied it on this call. I asked if it would be ok to have a breathalyzer in the house to test her since I felt like a crazy person when I knew she had been drinking and she would deny it. Also, so many lies were happening. She was pawning her stuff to get money for alcohol. She actually stole money from the kids piggy banks also! At this point she was trying to complete the rehab to get her certificate in the hopes of getting her job back. Next time she came home intoxicated I gave her the breathalyzer. Sure enough she was drunk. I was sick about it, pissed off and sad. The same thing happened for the next 2 days. I told her to call her case manager and go into inpatient or she'd have to leave. She chose to leave that day, which was 4 days ago.
I know she was testing me, but I wasn't having it any more. She went 2 hours away to her sister's house and has asking me ever since when she can come home, that she never wants to drink again, she loves me and the kids and she can't stand being away. I said I've been doing lots of my own recovery and asked what is she doing. She basically is doing very little. Reading AA literature and texted her "sponsor" about when they can start the 12 steps. Her sponsor is really not the right person since she is a single mom with no time to spare. She also hasn't told her sponsor she has relapsed!
I know this is so long and I've left things out otherwise I'd write 100 pages. I miss her terribly and I love her, the kids miss her, however she doesn't seem like she's doing hardly enough to show she's really committed to stopping other than saying she can never drink again.
Help!!! I need opinions on this because I am wavering. What should I do? What should I say to her at this point? Let her back and learn to detach with love? Or say you cannot come back unless you do XYZ?
Thanks everyone!
Long story short, I married the love of my life 2 years ago and had never felt so in love before meeting her. Im 49 years old and have been in enough relationships before to know. We bonded and connected so well and I truly felt like it would be forever. I never felt that before.
Her drinking problem became apparent fairly quickly when she would drink at least a 6 pack of beer every night, and of course I would cry and plead with her, not understanding how she could do this to herself and to me. She would use all the tactics that A's use to turn it around. And always apologizing the next day, etc. promises, and on and on.
Fast forward, she lost her dream job that she had gotten only a few months prior due to drinking and finally agreed that she needed help. She went to an outpatient rehab for 4 weeks that was crap. She started and went to AA meetings pretty much every day. After relapsing several times she reluctantly let me take her to a better rehab center where she stayed 9-3 every day for almost 5 weeks (since she wasn't detoxing at the time we went there they wouldn't let her be an inpatient) although we could pay for their halfway house on campus. She agreed that if at any time she felt like being out in the world after he day program ended each day she would go stay at the rehab.
Around 3 weeks into the program I noticed that her breath smelled of alcohol a couple times a week and when I confronted her she denied it. I told her case worker on a family call we had about this and my AW denied it on this call. I asked if it would be ok to have a breathalyzer in the house to test her since I felt like a crazy person when I knew she had been drinking and she would deny it. Also, so many lies were happening. She was pawning her stuff to get money for alcohol. She actually stole money from the kids piggy banks also! At this point she was trying to complete the rehab to get her certificate in the hopes of getting her job back. Next time she came home intoxicated I gave her the breathalyzer. Sure enough she was drunk. I was sick about it, pissed off and sad. The same thing happened for the next 2 days. I told her to call her case manager and go into inpatient or she'd have to leave. She chose to leave that day, which was 4 days ago.
I know she was testing me, but I wasn't having it any more. She went 2 hours away to her sister's house and has asking me ever since when she can come home, that she never wants to drink again, she loves me and the kids and she can't stand being away. I said I've been doing lots of my own recovery and asked what is she doing. She basically is doing very little. Reading AA literature and texted her "sponsor" about when they can start the 12 steps. Her sponsor is really not the right person since she is a single mom with no time to spare. She also hasn't told her sponsor she has relapsed!
I know this is so long and I've left things out otherwise I'd write 100 pages. I miss her terribly and I love her, the kids miss her, however she doesn't seem like she's doing hardly enough to show she's really committed to stopping other than saying she can never drink again.
Help!!! I need opinions on this because I am wavering. What should I do? What should I say to her at this point? Let her back and learn to detach with love? Or say you cannot come back unless you do XYZ?
Thanks everyone!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
My friend, you already know she isn't doing enough to satisfy you regarding her own recovery. Your wavering and confusion only comes from wishing reality was different than it is.
Here's something to consider -- if you let her back in and start this cycle all over again, YOU may be able to "detach with love" and live with the choice you made, but your kids, who have no choice in the matter, can't. Children in homes with alcoholic and codependent parents suffer terribly and, often, invisibly, because they are not emotionally mature enough to recognize that they cannot fix Mom's problem. They will do whatever they think they need to do, and shoulder far too much responsibility for her failures. I know this because I was one of those kids, and everybody thought I was fine. But that was just an act, skillfully mastered and learned from the behavior I witnessed in my home. And then I moved on and repeated wildly unhealthy behaviors in my own adult relationships, trying to fix everyone all the time, when the one person I needed to fix -- and the only one I could fix -- was me.
Words are just words. Actions are what matters. Her recovery is HER responsibility, and her choice. If you focus on your own boundaries, and taking care of yourself and your kids, you can break this cycle and move towards a better life.
Here's something to consider -- if you let her back in and start this cycle all over again, YOU may be able to "detach with love" and live with the choice you made, but your kids, who have no choice in the matter, can't. Children in homes with alcoholic and codependent parents suffer terribly and, often, invisibly, because they are not emotionally mature enough to recognize that they cannot fix Mom's problem. They will do whatever they think they need to do, and shoulder far too much responsibility for her failures. I know this because I was one of those kids, and everybody thought I was fine. But that was just an act, skillfully mastered and learned from the behavior I witnessed in my home. And then I moved on and repeated wildly unhealthy behaviors in my own adult relationships, trying to fix everyone all the time, when the one person I needed to fix -- and the only one I could fix -- was me.
Words are just words. Actions are what matters. Her recovery is HER responsibility, and her choice. If you focus on your own boundaries, and taking care of yourself and your kids, you can break this cycle and move towards a better life.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Q of S, she's not recovered, and not working at it either. If she comes back you will have her drinking again. The lies, the denial, the secrets. So you know what you'll be getting into.
You have all you need in front of you to make your decision, but only you can do it.
About the kids - are they yours your hers?
You have all you need in front of you to make your decision, but only you can do it.
About the kids - are they yours your hers?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3
You're right!
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
My friend, you already know she isn't doing enough to satisfy you regarding her own recovery. Your wavering and confusion only comes from wishing reality was different than it is.
Here's something to consider -- if you let her back in and start this cycle all over again, YOU may be able to "detach with love" and live with the choice you made, but your kids, who have no choice in the matter, can't. Children in homes with alcoholic and codependent parents suffer terribly and, often, invisibly, because they are not emotionally mature enough to recognize that they cannot fix Mom's problem. They will do whatever they think they need to do, and shoulder far too much responsibility for her failures. I know this because I was one of those kids, and everybody thought I was fine. But that was just an act, skillfully mastered and learned from the behavior I witnessed in my home. And then I moved on and repeated wildly unhealthy behaviors in my own adult relationships, trying to fix everyone all the time, when the one person I needed to fix -- and the only one I could fix -- was me.
Words are just words. Actions are what matters. Her recovery is HER responsibility, and her choice. If you focus on your own boundaries, and taking care of yourself and your kids, you can break this cycle and move towards a better life.
Here's something to consider -- if you let her back in and start this cycle all over again, YOU may be able to "detach with love" and live with the choice you made, but your kids, who have no choice in the matter, can't. Children in homes with alcoholic and codependent parents suffer terribly and, often, invisibly, because they are not emotionally mature enough to recognize that they cannot fix Mom's problem. They will do whatever they think they need to do, and shoulder far too much responsibility for her failures. I know this because I was one of those kids, and everybody thought I was fine. But that was just an act, skillfully mastered and learned from the behavior I witnessed in my home. And then I moved on and repeated wildly unhealthy behaviors in my own adult relationships, trying to fix everyone all the time, when the one person I needed to fix -- and the only one I could fix -- was me.
Words are just words. Actions are what matters. Her recovery is HER responsibility, and her choice. If you focus on your own boundaries, and taking care of yourself and your kids, you can break this cycle and move towards a better life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi Q of S, she's not recovered, and not working at it either. If she comes back you will have her drinking again. The lies, the denial, the secrets. So you know what you'll be getting into.
You have all you need in front of you to make your decision, but only you can do it.
About the kids - are they yours your hers?
You have all you need in front of you to make your decision, but only you can do it.
About the kids - are they yours your hers?
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Rinse, repeat.
It's the broken trust that hurts children most...I know. And they ALWAYS blame themselves. Are they in counseling to help them understand her behavior is not their fault?
She can't come home on four days' dry. Dry is not recovery, let alone recovered.
Be prepared, yes? Saying no will probably lead to a self-pity binge.
Sending you a hug.
It's the broken trust that hurts children most...I know. And they ALWAYS blame themselves. Are they in counseling to help them understand her behavior is not their fault?
She can't come home on four days' dry. Dry is not recovery, let alone recovered.
Be prepared, yes? Saying no will probably lead to a self-pity binge.
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by QueenofShip
Yes, the lies, denial and secrets have been almost worse than the drinking itself. Well both are maddening and hurtful. The kids are mine, she is their step-parent. Thanks for your insight!
I wish you strength and clarity - I also wish I had something more helpful to say!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
she sounds pretty selfish and self-absorbed. your two yr marriage has been marred by her antics. stealing from the kid's piggy banks???? who does that?
until you hear humility and see action, i'm afraid you are in for more of the same.....only worse.
until you hear humility and see action, i'm afraid you are in for more of the same.....only worse.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Her drinking problem became apparent fairly quickly when she would drink at least a 6 pack of beer every night, and of course I would cry and plead with her, not understanding how she could do this to herself and to me
This is where we begin to realize that we have a problem, we ignored red flags, and we tolerated intolerable behaviors. We scurry about in our thoughts because we NEED them we want them and we want them on our terms which usually are unrealistic with an alcoholic.
She went to an outpatient rehab for 4 weeks that was crap.
Help!!! I need opinions on this because I am wavering. What should I do?
I miss her terribly and I love her, the kids miss her, however she doesn't seem like she's doing hardly enough to show she's really committed to stopping other than saying she can never drink again.
Many of us have been there, understand what you are thinking and feeling, scared, fear, guilt, angry, obligation those are all of the things WE need to work through for ourselves. And something they cannot help us with especially while they continue to drink. It’s so hard to see our own big picture while we are so embedded in it. Clarity often comes when we have stepped away from the daily chaos, sought help for ourselves with therapy, counseling, al-anon – something outside of ourselves to re-start our thinking.
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