Disappointment
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Disappointment
I'm going to try to make a long ridiculous story as short as possible:
Monday was legitimately the worst day at work in the four years I've been here. One client didn't show up for court and another (who wasn't supposed to even be in court) was tried and sentenced to 15 years in prison. I was in court until 8:00 p.m. I had nothing to eat all day and had to keep my poker face on for almost 12 hours. It was a nightmare. Trials are emotionally exhausting.
I'm a very emotional person (if y'all haven't figured that out) and holding back my emotions is tough for me. Being on a low carb diet doesn't make it easier. I'm a hungry carbless monster rn and my tolerance for bs is not where it used to be. So.
I drive home, but first I stop to pick up dinner for the AH (that I can't eat). I get home and all I want to do is cry for a moment. To just let some of my feelings out that I've kept trapped inside all day. To just be told, "tomorrow will be better". But of course, it can't be that easy. My AH is a cop so when I was talking it out, he became infuriated that I was "defending a criminal". Which is literally my job. He became agitated and said F*** YOU about 20 times. Plot twist - he was sober (or at least I'm pretty sure he was). So my question for you fine people is:
How many of you have realized that it's not the alcohol that's the monster, it's the person underneath it?
Obvs not all alcoholics are monsters, I'm just trying to figure out if he's always been this way and I didn't notice it or if the alcohol changed him, even though he's sober now.
Monday was legitimately the worst day at work in the four years I've been here. One client didn't show up for court and another (who wasn't supposed to even be in court) was tried and sentenced to 15 years in prison. I was in court until 8:00 p.m. I had nothing to eat all day and had to keep my poker face on for almost 12 hours. It was a nightmare. Trials are emotionally exhausting.
I'm a very emotional person (if y'all haven't figured that out) and holding back my emotions is tough for me. Being on a low carb diet doesn't make it easier. I'm a hungry carbless monster rn and my tolerance for bs is not where it used to be. So.
I drive home, but first I stop to pick up dinner for the AH (that I can't eat). I get home and all I want to do is cry for a moment. To just let some of my feelings out that I've kept trapped inside all day. To just be told, "tomorrow will be better". But of course, it can't be that easy. My AH is a cop so when I was talking it out, he became infuriated that I was "defending a criminal". Which is literally my job. He became agitated and said F*** YOU about 20 times. Plot twist - he was sober (or at least I'm pretty sure he was). So my question for you fine people is:
How many of you have realized that it's not the alcohol that's the monster, it's the person underneath it?
Obvs not all alcoholics are monsters, I'm just trying to figure out if he's always been this way and I didn't notice it or if the alcohol changed him, even though he's sober now.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
SYH.....my first thought, as I am reading this is that he is craving to drink (the alcoholic voice is whispering loud, in his ear)....and, he is trying to start an argu ent.....so, that he will have the perfect "excuse" to go drink...
I am not a mind reader, of course, but this is something that often happens, and I can remember my adult son pulling this maneuver, on me.......
I am not a mind reader, of course, but this is something that often happens, and I can remember my adult son pulling this maneuver, on me.......
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
"I'm just trying to figure out if he's always been this way and I didn't notice it or if the alcohol changed him, even though he's sober now."
Does it matter?
What matters is how you are being treated in your own home by someone who supposedly loves you.
The past is the past...but your present sounds pretty miserable?
Sending you a hug.
Does it matter?
What matters is how you are being treated in your own home by someone who supposedly loves you.
The past is the past...but your present sounds pretty miserable?
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Raising my hand. My XAH was sober for about a year after rehab. I thought he would turn into some lovely man that I would be happily married to. Nope, he was the same person drunk or sober.
When they show you who they are, believe it.
When they show you who they are, believe it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
While I don't know the situation, I like what Aries said; "Does it matter?"
I think this was by far one of the biggest facts I had to swallow and accept. It didn't matter why he was verbally abusive, why he drank, why he chose to start fights with disproportionate rage, why he cheated, why he couldn't step up and be a father, or why he lied. In the end it didn't. Sure it can help us understand the cheater who cheats because they are insecure and paranoid. Or the verbally abusive partner who takes out his dry drunkness on you. Or the absent father whose too ashamed to and terrified to face his son. But at the end of the day, does it really matter why people do the things they do?? One thing that helped me understand this is when my sister asked me, "If he was a child abuser because he was abused himself as a child and learned this behavior because his parents taught him how to be, would you stay with him and allow him to hurt your own child?". It's a weird analogy but it helps me keep things in perspective that at the end of the day it doesn't matter why people behave as they do, but it does matter how they choose to put that behavior onto us. Dry drunk or not, 20 f**words to tell you that you are bad for doing your job, is unacceptable behavior.
I will however, say that I understand the curiosity. When my qualifier would fly into a rage episode and start accusing me of cheating and other paranoid things, I knew it was likely because of his other deep rooted issues, but that it also wasn't my problem but his on how he was treating me.
Sometimes people will tell me that he is not a good person with a bad problem, but a bad person with a bad problem. I don't know how much I agree with it but that is probably because I was born with an ungodly amount of empathy. Sure there are some people that I just cant empathize with (child abusers, animal abusers, racists, etc.). But for those battling addiction and other deeply rooted emotional problems, I tend to perhaps 'go easy' on. Not excuse, but possibly understand that their problem does not allow them to be good to others. That their first line of defense is to protect their own pain. To lash out at others when they feel threatened or want to feel in control again. Or as dandy says, just want another excuse to drink.
We can't really know for sure why alcoholics behave in other ways as a symptom of their disease, or if they'd be that way despite. All we can say is that we know what acceptable behavior is and what unacceptable behavior is, regardless of where it comes from. And we all deserve acceptable behavior.
I think this was by far one of the biggest facts I had to swallow and accept. It didn't matter why he was verbally abusive, why he drank, why he chose to start fights with disproportionate rage, why he cheated, why he couldn't step up and be a father, or why he lied. In the end it didn't. Sure it can help us understand the cheater who cheats because they are insecure and paranoid. Or the verbally abusive partner who takes out his dry drunkness on you. Or the absent father whose too ashamed to and terrified to face his son. But at the end of the day, does it really matter why people do the things they do?? One thing that helped me understand this is when my sister asked me, "If he was a child abuser because he was abused himself as a child and learned this behavior because his parents taught him how to be, would you stay with him and allow him to hurt your own child?". It's a weird analogy but it helps me keep things in perspective that at the end of the day it doesn't matter why people behave as they do, but it does matter how they choose to put that behavior onto us. Dry drunk or not, 20 f**words to tell you that you are bad for doing your job, is unacceptable behavior.
I will however, say that I understand the curiosity. When my qualifier would fly into a rage episode and start accusing me of cheating and other paranoid things, I knew it was likely because of his other deep rooted issues, but that it also wasn't my problem but his on how he was treating me.
Sometimes people will tell me that he is not a good person with a bad problem, but a bad person with a bad problem. I don't know how much I agree with it but that is probably because I was born with an ungodly amount of empathy. Sure there are some people that I just cant empathize with (child abusers, animal abusers, racists, etc.). But for those battling addiction and other deeply rooted emotional problems, I tend to perhaps 'go easy' on. Not excuse, but possibly understand that their problem does not allow them to be good to others. That their first line of defense is to protect their own pain. To lash out at others when they feel threatened or want to feel in control again. Or as dandy says, just want another excuse to drink.
We can't really know for sure why alcoholics behave in other ways as a symptom of their disease, or if they'd be that way despite. All we can say is that we know what acceptable behavior is and what unacceptable behavior is, regardless of where it comes from. And we all deserve acceptable behavior.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
spouses/loved ones cling fervently to the hope that "if they would only stop drinking, all would be well". and often here on SR we try to share that you really need to be careful what you wish for, because "getting sober" isn't always pretty with a Hollywood ending.
often the newly sober person feels forced or conscripted, and is therefore MAD as hell, but determined to prove a point.
pretty much anyone who drank copious amounts regularly for a long time is going to be different when that ingestion of an intoxicating substance is removed. it would be the same with lab rats. the body, mind and spirit are all affected.
alcohol doesn't MAKE people asshats.....altho under the influence, anyone can pull an asshatty stunt now and then. but as the saying goes, if you sober up a horse thief, what do you have? a sober horse thief.
for the newly sober to have the best chance at a full and long lived recovery, they will benefit from being involved in a program of recovery. VERY involved. lots of meetings. lots of time spent with other recovering alcoholics. time with a therapist or counselor or out patient. time praying. time reading. time meditating. there WILL be new activities and they WILL not involve the spouse. they will be gone MORE if anything, than they were when they were drinking in the basement, or the garage, or the bomb shelter.
the spouse may find they RESENT recovery. and all the changes. they may even wish the alcoholic would start drinking again, so things can go back to the old normal, the uncomfortable comfort zone. they may even sabotage the recovery efforts.
4 or 5 days of "not drinking" is not the same as recovery. any more than swimming makes you a fish.
often the newly sober person feels forced or conscripted, and is therefore MAD as hell, but determined to prove a point.
pretty much anyone who drank copious amounts regularly for a long time is going to be different when that ingestion of an intoxicating substance is removed. it would be the same with lab rats. the body, mind and spirit are all affected.
alcohol doesn't MAKE people asshats.....altho under the influence, anyone can pull an asshatty stunt now and then. but as the saying goes, if you sober up a horse thief, what do you have? a sober horse thief.
for the newly sober to have the best chance at a full and long lived recovery, they will benefit from being involved in a program of recovery. VERY involved. lots of meetings. lots of time spent with other recovering alcoholics. time with a therapist or counselor or out patient. time praying. time reading. time meditating. there WILL be new activities and they WILL not involve the spouse. they will be gone MORE if anything, than they were when they were drinking in the basement, or the garage, or the bomb shelter.
the spouse may find they RESENT recovery. and all the changes. they may even wish the alcoholic would start drinking again, so things can go back to the old normal, the uncomfortable comfort zone. they may even sabotage the recovery efforts.
4 or 5 days of "not drinking" is not the same as recovery. any more than swimming makes you a fish.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by hopeful4 
Raising my hand. My XAH was sober for about a year after rehab. I thought he would turn into some lovely man that I would be happily married to. Nope, he was the same person drunk or sober.
When they show you who they are, believe it.
When they show you who they are, believe it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: The Beach
Posts: 1,106
I was disappointed when my XAH tried sobriety and all our problems didn't melt away. I mistaken thought the booze was the problem. It ran much, much deeper than that. I do have to include myself in the equation, I was a contributing factor to the deteriorating relationship. (That still stings...)
I could go into a pages long explanation but I'd just be echoing what the other posters before me have said.
Just wanted to send you a *hug* and let you know I understand exactly how you are feeling.
I could go into a pages long explanation but I'd just be echoing what the other posters before me have said.
Just wanted to send you a *hug* and let you know I understand exactly how you are feeling.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
When mine went a very short stint of sobriety he acted just like this, although saying he was a monster wouldn’t be an understatement. His ability to handle even mild stress is below toddler level. His coping mechanism for years now was gone and basically he became like a really large 2 year old man. I loathed how selfish he was drunk and all the trappings of alcoholism I also loathed him sober even when it was short lived and neither of them resembled the man I fell in love with. That person is long gone...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Whether he was drunk or not ... he still said "f*** you" repeatedly and disparaged your job (which a cop ought to be able to see is an essential part of the justice system). A sober jerk is still a jerk.
(It's possible that the drinking has eroded his ability to deal with stress or frustration like a grown-up - after years when his coping strategy came in a bottle, he may not even know how to self-regulate any more. But no matter where the behavior comes from, it's still unacceptable).
(It's possible that the drinking has eroded his ability to deal with stress or frustration like a grown-up - after years when his coping strategy came in a bottle, he may not even know how to self-regulate any more. But no matter where the behavior comes from, it's still unacceptable).
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
I struggle with this question too. Where does the alcoholism end, and where does the loved one begin?
One thing I noticed is that the really aggressive / defensive reactions to any sort of criticism that where only there when she was drunk at first started to show up when she was sober too. The lying / telling manipulative half-truths and so forth became more noticeable as well. I think some of the bad mental habits you form when you spend a lot of time drunk tend to sort of... leak into sober life.
At the same time, the drunken bullcrap was constantly forcing me to tolerate more and more unacceptable behavior. I found that it made me accept more than I should sometimes, and at other times it made me get angry and defensive way too quickly, because I was afraid of getting pushed even further into the mire. I became both too permissive, and developed a tendency to overreact. Both reactions did more harm than good.
I think proper recovery should not just consist of your other half stopping the drinking. It should also include a thorough examination of themselves, and of the relationship they have with you. At the same time it also requires us to examine why we tolerate this, and what we can do to ensure we stop accepting the unacceptable.
I feel that one of the people my wife hurt with her drinking was me. She felt that she was entitled to do that. And for ages, I apparently agreed, because I accepted it. That is something that needs working on. It needs to be acknowledged, and she needs to find out why she felt it was OK to do that, and what she can do to fix it. And I need to work out why I accepted it, and how I can stop enabling this kind of unhealthy behavior.
If it was just the drinking, it would not be a problem. It is the things that the drinking makes / allows them to do that cause the problems. The bad habits that form, the standards that are constantly lowered, the way healthy communication is constantly stifled. Addiction is not a teamsport. It is a solitary pursuit.
I think what her and I need to do is create new standards. Form new, healthy habits. Set fresh boundaries for what we do and do not accept.
I hope your AH can find the clarity to realize he needs to do a hell of a lot more than just put down the bottle.
One thing I noticed is that the really aggressive / defensive reactions to any sort of criticism that where only there when she was drunk at first started to show up when she was sober too. The lying / telling manipulative half-truths and so forth became more noticeable as well. I think some of the bad mental habits you form when you spend a lot of time drunk tend to sort of... leak into sober life.
At the same time, the drunken bullcrap was constantly forcing me to tolerate more and more unacceptable behavior. I found that it made me accept more than I should sometimes, and at other times it made me get angry and defensive way too quickly, because I was afraid of getting pushed even further into the mire. I became both too permissive, and developed a tendency to overreact. Both reactions did more harm than good.
I think proper recovery should not just consist of your other half stopping the drinking. It should also include a thorough examination of themselves, and of the relationship they have with you. At the same time it also requires us to examine why we tolerate this, and what we can do to ensure we stop accepting the unacceptable.
I feel that one of the people my wife hurt with her drinking was me. She felt that she was entitled to do that. And for ages, I apparently agreed, because I accepted it. That is something that needs working on. It needs to be acknowledged, and she needs to find out why she felt it was OK to do that, and what she can do to fix it. And I need to work out why I accepted it, and how I can stop enabling this kind of unhealthy behavior.
If it was just the drinking, it would not be a problem. It is the things that the drinking makes / allows them to do that cause the problems. The bad habits that form, the standards that are constantly lowered, the way healthy communication is constantly stifled. Addiction is not a teamsport. It is a solitary pursuit.
I think what her and I need to do is create new standards. Form new, healthy habits. Set fresh boundaries for what we do and do not accept.
I hope your AH can find the clarity to realize he needs to do a hell of a lot more than just put down the bottle.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Vivisectus
I feel that one of the people my wife hurt with her drinking was me. She felt that she was entitled to do that. And for ages, I apparently agreed, because I accepted it. That is something that needs working on. It needs to be acknowledged, and she needs to find out why she felt it was OK to do that, and what she can do to fix it. And I need to work out why I accepted it, and how I can stop enabling this kind of unhealthy behavior.
You CAN work on your own issues (getting to the bottom of why you accepted the unacceptable, enabling, etc) regardless of whether your wife is ever even able to acknowledge her part.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
For me, it was only when I focused on the part of the equation that was mine, and let go of "needing" the part that wasn't that I began to move forward.
You CAN work on your own issues (getting to the bottom of why you accepted the unacceptable, enabling, etc) regardless of whether your wife is ever even able to acknowledge her part.
You CAN work on your own issues (getting to the bottom of why you accepted the unacceptable, enabling, etc) regardless of whether your wife is ever even able to acknowledge her part.
It is just that if we are to have a meaningful relationship, I do indeed need her to do those things.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Vivisectus
I think you are right: I am only responsible for my own part. The rest is up to her.
It is just that if we are to have a meaningful relationship, I do indeed need her to do those things.
It is just that if we are to have a meaningful relationship, I do indeed need her to do those things.
Making sure I wasn't allowing the actions of others to have power over my part one was key.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Well there went that. Came home to a half full vodka bottle hidden under the sink. PLOT TWIST: it was water. I guess he thought he could get away with drinking half? Then continued to lie about the rest and for some reason I wasn't even mad. I told him we'd discuss it tomorrow (today) and he told me he didn't want to talk to me. Got angry and went directly to bed at 6:00 pm. He's mad at me lol. Like I'm the one who broke my promise and then lied about it to excess. I don't know what my future holds but it's not going to be this. Lying and deceit at the expense of my heart. I'm so shattered. This wasn't what I married. This wasn't what I promised forever to. This will not be the life I choose to live.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 55
Recognize that one alright. If I may channel drunk Mrs Sectus for a minute:
How dare he not believe what is so obviously a lie, after you have lied and lied and lied about alcohol? Or to worry that you are drinking when he has watched you drink more and more of your life away, having swallowed more lies than he has eaten dinners while doing it?
Why, since he suspects you of drinking, it obviously does not matter if you drink or not: you get the same hassle anyway! He just does not understand you at all. Also he is just being a self-righteous hypocrite, because he has a drink as well sometimes, and also there are things wrong with him too. And anyway, you were not even drinking, you were keeping yourself steady or even weaning yourself off drink without any withdrawal symptoms, by drinking just the right amount. That is not drinking drinking. He would understand that if he wasn't such a dick. After all I have done for him. Does he not understand how hard things are for me?
Et voila: now there is a fight, and an opportunity to storm off. Which is handy, because it provides you with A) the privacy to drink and B) the opportunity have a good long sulk, which justifies having a stiff drink to make you feel better, and also handily avoids having to do anything about, well, anything. Everything is hopeless, everything is too hard or too depressing, so hey! Might as well drink.
It deflects everything. Except another drink, of course.
How dare he not believe what is so obviously a lie, after you have lied and lied and lied about alcohol? Or to worry that you are drinking when he has watched you drink more and more of your life away, having swallowed more lies than he has eaten dinners while doing it?
Why, since he suspects you of drinking, it obviously does not matter if you drink or not: you get the same hassle anyway! He just does not understand you at all. Also he is just being a self-righteous hypocrite, because he has a drink as well sometimes, and also there are things wrong with him too. And anyway, you were not even drinking, you were keeping yourself steady or even weaning yourself off drink without any withdrawal symptoms, by drinking just the right amount. That is not drinking drinking. He would understand that if he wasn't such a dick. After all I have done for him. Does he not understand how hard things are for me?
Et voila: now there is a fight, and an opportunity to storm off. Which is handy, because it provides you with A) the privacy to drink and B) the opportunity have a good long sulk, which justifies having a stiff drink to make you feel better, and also handily avoids having to do anything about, well, anything. Everything is hopeless, everything is too hard or too depressing, so hey! Might as well drink.
It deflects everything. Except another drink, of course.
Member
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 61
Originally Posted by Vivisectus
Recognize that one alright. If I may channel drunk Mrs Sectus for a minute:
How dare he not believe what is so obviously a lie, after you have lied and lied and lied about alcohol? Or to worry that you are drinking when he has watched you drink more and more of your life away, having swallowed more lies than he has eaten dinners while doing it?
Why, since he suspects you of drinking, it obviously does not matter if you drink or not: you get the same hassle anyway! He just does not understand you at all. Also he is just being a self-righteous hypocrite, because he has a drink as well sometimes, and also there are things wrong with him too. And anyway, you were not even drinking, you were keeping yourself steady or even weaning yourself off drink without any withdrawal symptoms, by drinking just the right amount. That is not drinking drinking. He would understand that if he wasn't such a dick. After all I have done for him. Does he not understand how hard things are for me?
Et voila: now there is a fight, and an opportunity to storm off. Which is handy, because it provides you with A) the privacy to drink and B) the opportunity have a good long sulk, which justifies having a stiff drink to make you feel better, and also handily avoids having to do anything about, well, anything. Everything is hopeless, everything is too hard or too depressing, so hey! Might as well drink.
It deflects everything. Except another drink, of course.
How dare he not believe what is so obviously a lie, after you have lied and lied and lied about alcohol? Or to worry that you are drinking when he has watched you drink more and more of your life away, having swallowed more lies than he has eaten dinners while doing it?
Why, since he suspects you of drinking, it obviously does not matter if you drink or not: you get the same hassle anyway! He just does not understand you at all. Also he is just being a self-righteous hypocrite, because he has a drink as well sometimes, and also there are things wrong with him too. And anyway, you were not even drinking, you were keeping yourself steady or even weaning yourself off drink without any withdrawal symptoms, by drinking just the right amount. That is not drinking drinking. He would understand that if he wasn't such a dick. After all I have done for him. Does he not understand how hard things are for me?
Et voila: now there is a fight, and an opportunity to storm off. Which is handy, because it provides you with A) the privacy to drink and B) the opportunity have a good long sulk, which justifies having a stiff drink to make you feel better, and also handily avoids having to do anything about, well, anything. Everything is hopeless, everything is too hard or too depressing, so hey! Might as well drink.
It deflects everything. Except another drink, of course.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
