"You ask for too much..."
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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"You ask for too much..."
The last couple of days have been odd.
I feel "liberated" most of the time, but there are some moments in where I get very sad, and where I miss my alcoholic ex.
I was thinking how absurd everything was from a logical viewpoint: I was expecting to receive love and respect from a person who does not seem to love nor respect himself. Because if that were the case, I think he wouldn't drink so much...
As for me... I think it was good that I sticked to my boundaries.
He would often say: "you ask for too much, you should leave me if I don't make you happy". He was right about how I needed to leave. I finally did. But I definetely don't think that asking for respect and empathy was "too much". It's just that he wasn't, and probably never will be able to give those things to me.
I feel "liberated" most of the time, but there are some moments in where I get very sad, and where I miss my alcoholic ex.
I was thinking how absurd everything was from a logical viewpoint: I was expecting to receive love and respect from a person who does not seem to love nor respect himself. Because if that were the case, I think he wouldn't drink so much...
As for me... I think it was good that I sticked to my boundaries.
He would often say: "you ask for too much, you should leave me if I don't make you happy". He was right about how I needed to leave. I finally did. But I definetely don't think that asking for respect and empathy was "too much". It's just that he wasn't, and probably never will be able to give those things to me.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Nope, we are NOT "asking for too much" when we want our partner to give us the same things we give them.
If I am going to do my level best to treat my partner/friend/family member with kindness, respect, compassion, honesty and love, why on earth should it be "asking too much" for me to want to be treated the same by THEM?
I am truly astounded by how long it took me to realize this.
If I am going to do my level best to treat my partner/friend/family member with kindness, respect, compassion, honesty and love, why on earth should it be "asking too much" for me to want to be treated the same by THEM?
I am truly astounded by how long it took me to realize this.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 12
Originally Posted by Timetoheal12 
It's just that he wasn't, and probably never will be able to give those things to me.
Fixed that for you.
You will be all right. Healing takes time. First few weeks or months were tough for me, but it gets better every day. I'm looking at what happened as a learning experience, and I want to come out of this as a better person. God knows I am not perfect either. I too was feeling sad, missing the ex-AGF, and as they say here - this too shall pass. As it's said - indeed I was missing more what I thought we had, not much missing what we actually had.
So keep your head up, you survived, it can only get better now.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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If you asked to be paid a million dollars every day, for all the blades of grass in the world to be uniform in size and height, for all dogs to wear spike collars and all cats to wear sparkly collars, and for everyone to bow before you and address you as "your Goddessness" every time we crossed your path...
...then you would be asking too much.
Simple consideration and respect between people who are dating? Not too much
...then you would be asking too much.
Simple consideration and respect between people who are dating? Not too much
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
I was having a really bad day, and what Seren wrote made me laugh. But you know what? Dogs *should* have spike collars and cats *should* have sparkly collars. IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?
My AH also used to say that I was asking for too much.
Okatz: "Maybe don't do drugs today, just take a break for one day and give your body a rest, you look tired."
AH: "You're always unsatisfied with me, you ask too much."
My AH also used to say that I was asking for too much.
Okatz: "Maybe don't do drugs today, just take a break for one day and give your body a rest, you look tired."
AH: "You're always unsatisfied with me, you ask too much."
Originally Posted by Seren
If you asked to be paid a million dollars every day, for all the blades of grass in the world to be uniform in size and height, for all dogs to wear spike collars and all cats to wear sparkly collars, and for everyone to bow before you and address you as "your Goddessness" every time we crossed your path...
...then you would be asking too much.
Simple consideration and respect between people who are dating? Not too much
...then you would be asking too much.
Simple consideration and respect between people who are dating? Not too much
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Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
I relate to this so much. I struggle with this a lot lately. I think being away from their true love drinking is too much to ask of them, from their view point.
I also try to remember what you said that they don’t value or love themselves. I noticed anytime I brought up drinking in any form it triggered a lot of anger from him. This normally very sweet man suddenly became ruthlessly mean when his drinking was even being perceived as threatened. They say a lot of things, they manipulate a lot things. Mostly I try not to obsess about the little comments because it actuality nothing he really does makes any rational sense so why would this?
He says drunken cryptic things like,” people are ****, just only take care of yourself” I don’t even bother responding. He has a sad existence and while it’s painful for me I know with certainty it all his choosing. I can’t pretend to make sense of a man that can’t even make sense of himself. Thankfully, physical distance is in my favor.
Hugs. Tough day here too.
I also try to remember what you said that they don’t value or love themselves. I noticed anytime I brought up drinking in any form it triggered a lot of anger from him. This normally very sweet man suddenly became ruthlessly mean when his drinking was even being perceived as threatened. They say a lot of things, they manipulate a lot things. Mostly I try not to obsess about the little comments because it actuality nothing he really does makes any rational sense so why would this?
He says drunken cryptic things like,” people are ****, just only take care of yourself” I don’t even bother responding. He has a sad existence and while it’s painful for me I know with certainty it all his choosing. I can’t pretend to make sense of a man that can’t even make sense of himself. Thankfully, physical distance is in my favor.
Hugs. Tough day here too.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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Alcoholism is a disease. It's not a "choice" between us or drinking. If an alcoholic could simply stop drinking, he/she would. Please put aside judgement on this here. If anything, go to some open AA meetings and start learning/seeing/feeling first hand about the struggle in order to free yourself from this part of the puzzle.
Yes, we deserve healthy relationships. We all do. We can only do our part, and in alcoholism it's often the ones who are willing and able to walk away earliest who have the best chance of getting back together in a healthy way, if it was meant to be.
Yes, we deserve healthy relationships. We all do. We can only do our part, and in alcoholism it's often the ones who are willing and able to walk away earliest who have the best chance of getting back together in a healthy way, if it was meant to be.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Thanks everyone for the wisdom you shared with me here.
I do not wish to judge him, in fact, I have struggled a lot with the fact that he is one of the most interesting, intelligent, and talented people I have ever met. I loved him deeply for all those qualities that were undeniable in him. I have struggled with thinking how great could his life be "if only" he wasn't an alcoholic, "if only" he was healthy.
But truth is: he is an alcoholic, and I can't change that. Only he will be capable of it, if it ever comes to that.
Another fact is: he was being disrespectful and he was hurting me, so I had to go.
I do not wish to judge him, in fact, I have struggled a lot with the fact that he is one of the most interesting, intelligent, and talented people I have ever met. I loved him deeply for all those qualities that were undeniable in him. I have struggled with thinking how great could his life be "if only" he wasn't an alcoholic, "if only" he was healthy.
But truth is: he is an alcoholic, and I can't change that. Only he will be capable of it, if it ever comes to that.
Another fact is: he was being disrespectful and he was hurting me, so I had to go.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
[I]Alcoholism is a disease.It's not a "choice" between us or drinking. If an alcoholic could simply stop drinking, he/she would.
Am not sure it is tbh. Not in the conventional meaning of disease anyway. My exah showed great restraint from drinking when it suited him. It was just it rarely suited him. I see loads of posts on here that makes drinking seem pre-meditated much of the time and often calculated to cause the most upset.. A choice or not? I dunno. If I were to ask exah if he wants to stop he'd say no cos he enjoys it even tho it makes him ill. He certainly chooses to drink. In the end tho it wasn't the drinking why I left..it was I realised he wasn't a nice person and I deserved better.
Am not sure it is tbh. Not in the conventional meaning of disease anyway. My exah showed great restraint from drinking when it suited him. It was just it rarely suited him. I see loads of posts on here that makes drinking seem pre-meditated much of the time and often calculated to cause the most upset.. A choice or not? I dunno. If I were to ask exah if he wants to stop he'd say no cos he enjoys it even tho it makes him ill. He certainly chooses to drink. In the end tho it wasn't the drinking why I left..it was I realised he wasn't a nice person and I deserved better.
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From the American Psychiatry Association:
"Mental illnesses are health conditions involving changes in thinking, emotion or behavior. ... It is a medical problem, just like heart disease or diabetes."
The difference in treatment is that it's so counter-intuitive to what 'logic would have me believe.
I've been affected by this Family Disease of Alcoholism also, without ever having picked up a drink. Our family is healing, while living apart. It's a journey, one day at a time. Alcohol is but a symptom.
"Mental illnesses are health conditions involving changes in thinking, emotion or behavior. ... It is a medical problem, just like heart disease or diabetes."
The difference in treatment is that it's so counter-intuitive to what 'logic would have me believe.
I've been affected by this Family Disease of Alcoholism also, without ever having picked up a drink. Our family is healing, while living apart. It's a journey, one day at a time. Alcohol is but a symptom.
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Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: PA
Posts: 63
You are grieving. I'm going through the same thing. The grief is missing what could have (or dare I say should have) been. It's missing what once was, which is what keeps us around so long. Let him do what he has to do, whether it be keep drinking or get sober. He can't do that while you're around b/c then he always has a reason to keep drinking...it'll always be your fault or something you've said or done that you'll never be able to fix or make better in his eyes. Right now it's that what you are asking for, he can't provide.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
I don't really buy the disease model as a former drinker, and someone who grew up with an alcoholic mother as well as having an alcoholic spouse.
Being exposed to the alcoholic growing up to my mind was the biggest contribution to my own decision to drink.
I was unhappy and often unsafe emotionally and physically growing up,
and I watched and learned that drink was the way to deal with difficult things.
That's why I think exposing children to situations even if you as an adult are willing
to keep dealing with the drunk parent is very harmful to the child's future
even if they are removed from the situation later.
The damage, unfortunately, has been done and life becomes
trying to repair and retrench, but not so easy. You are scarred
and I think very prone to becoming a drinker yourself or an enabler to one
in your own future relationships.
Now, it is true for me that my biology has shifted into a different response
to alcohol now than I had when I first started drinking.
So maybe that could be considered a development into "disease" but I find
that the decision to drink or not drink is a mental one, and not physically driven
once clear of physical addiction.
The sad part for me has been realizing how much my own life was tainted
by my childhood dealing with a drunk parent.
I was a kid, and I didn't ask for that.
Being exposed to the alcoholic growing up to my mind was the biggest contribution to my own decision to drink.
I was unhappy and often unsafe emotionally and physically growing up,
and I watched and learned that drink was the way to deal with difficult things.
That's why I think exposing children to situations even if you as an adult are willing
to keep dealing with the drunk parent is very harmful to the child's future
even if they are removed from the situation later.
The damage, unfortunately, has been done and life becomes
trying to repair and retrench, but not so easy. You are scarred
and I think very prone to becoming a drinker yourself or an enabler to one
in your own future relationships.
Now, it is true for me that my biology has shifted into a different response
to alcohol now than I had when I first started drinking.
So maybe that could be considered a development into "disease" but I find
that the decision to drink or not drink is a mental one, and not physically driven
once clear of physical addiction.
The sad part for me has been realizing how much my own life was tainted
by my childhood dealing with a drunk parent.
I was a kid, and I didn't ask for that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Thank you, everyone. 
Some things have happened the past couple of days and I have some thoughts I want to share with you.
On Friday, my best friend ran into my ex, and he was very polite with her. What's even weirder, it's the fact that he tried to convince her that he and I are still in a relationship (she of course knows this is false, but she didn't wanted to get into an argument with him, so she kept it to herself). Why in hell is he still trying to make people believe we're still together when we're not? It just doesn't make any sense...
On Saturday, I went on a date with the older brother of one of my best friends. They're both great, decent people. And I honestly had a great time. For once in a long time, I was NOT worried about: "does he like me?", and instead, I was worried about if I liked him or not, and why...
I don't want to get into another relationship soon, because I am not ready. I still blame myself a lot for my ex's lack of respect for me, for the poor treatment... I will start to take therapy again the next week and I hope it helps. But I did enjoy the date, and I think that it wouldn't harm me to get to know more friends and people, if I'm careful and if I stick to my boundaries.
I usually tend to isolate myself when I become depressed, but now that I think about it, it's always made me feel and get worse.
I do think that I need to embrace my sadness when it comes, my anger, and all the feelings that come with processing a loss, but I don't want to excessively dwell on them and make myself more miserable? I guess that I learned that I need to be kinder to myself during these times...
Another thing I want to add, is... I'm pretty sure I talked about it in previous threads, but I studied psychology and I'm currently working to get my degree. I did see and learned a few things (almost none) about alcoholism while I was still in college, and most psychlogists do qualify it as a mental disease. However, being a mental disease, they also say that the person suffering it has the key to recovery: their own will.
I guess that's everything I wanted to share today... Right now, I need my own will to make better choices so I can get better and become the person I wish to be.
Some things have happened the past couple of days and I have some thoughts I want to share with you.
On Friday, my best friend ran into my ex, and he was very polite with her. What's even weirder, it's the fact that he tried to convince her that he and I are still in a relationship (she of course knows this is false, but she didn't wanted to get into an argument with him, so she kept it to herself). Why in hell is he still trying to make people believe we're still together when we're not? It just doesn't make any sense...
On Saturday, I went on a date with the older brother of one of my best friends. They're both great, decent people. And I honestly had a great time. For once in a long time, I was NOT worried about: "does he like me?", and instead, I was worried about if I liked him or not, and why...
I don't want to get into another relationship soon, because I am not ready. I still blame myself a lot for my ex's lack of respect for me, for the poor treatment... I will start to take therapy again the next week and I hope it helps. But I did enjoy the date, and I think that it wouldn't harm me to get to know more friends and people, if I'm careful and if I stick to my boundaries.
I usually tend to isolate myself when I become depressed, but now that I think about it, it's always made me feel and get worse.
I do think that I need to embrace my sadness when it comes, my anger, and all the feelings that come with processing a loss, but I don't want to excessively dwell on them and make myself more miserable? I guess that I learned that I need to be kinder to myself during these times...
Another thing I want to add, is... I'm pretty sure I talked about it in previous threads, but I studied psychology and I'm currently working to get my degree. I did see and learned a few things (almost none) about alcoholism while I was still in college, and most psychlogists do qualify it as a mental disease. However, being a mental disease, they also say that the person suffering it has the key to recovery: their own will.
I guess that's everything I wanted to share today... Right now, I need my own will to make better choices so I can get better and become the person I wish to be.
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Timetoheal....empirically, one of the best things that a woman of your age can have is a circle of good girlfriends who share your own values....
It combats lonliness and there is always fun to be had when the women are together.....
It combats lonliness and there is always fun to be had when the women are together.....
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Originally Posted by sylvie83
My ex posted a pic he took in my flat a little while after we split. Made out it was that day. Was a view he had posted before and comments were exchanged with friends etc so I know his friends and family knew it was my flat.
I remember thinking that he probably wanted people not to know we had split ... I'm sure there were plenty of people wondering when it would fall apart. I'm not the first to go through what I did with his addiction ...for sure.
Maybe they don't want to admit to themselves or others that the addiction did it again.
This is total speculation of course!! But just reminded me of what happened for me.
I remember thinking that he probably wanted people not to know we had split ... I'm sure there were plenty of people wondering when it would fall apart. I'm not the first to go through what I did with his addiction ...for sure.
Maybe they don't want to admit to themselves or others that the addiction did it again.
This is total speculation of course!! But just reminded me of what happened for me.
His parents seemed to like me a lot and they liked the fact that I don't drink, maybe they felt "safe" in thinking that maybe if we stayed together he wouldn't get worse in his drinking. Who knows. I can't understand his true motives. But I don't want people/friends to think I'm still with him when it's not the truth...
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