Stacy0701

Three weeks ago my husband decided to quit drinking on his own. He did not even share with me. I guessed & asked him. He wanted to do this on his own & even when I shared at each weeks time how proud I was of him, he did not want to recognize it. We went to counseling last week for the 1st time & I thought it went well but by Sunday he was ignoring me. I was trying to be sympathetic & sensitive as I have NO idea how he is feeling not drinking but it would really help if he talked with me so I had an idea. He puts expectations in is head & when I do not have ESP & meet them, he gets mad at me & when I try to talk to him about it, our marriage is basically my fault. So we had our 2nd counseling session scheduled for 2pm today & he said to re-schedule it for next week but in the end he said he does not have to share with a counselor that he has shared with me & I do nothing about it. Our marriage has been affected big time by alcohol & no I am not the wife I wish I could be at times but I do my best to take care of myself & my kids. I think it is huge that he has not had a drink for 3 weeks but it does not fix us & make everything go back to where we wish it was. He thinks I am completely focused on counseling & I just feel we need help getting off the hamster wheel & someone who can guide us while he stays sober & helps get our marriage back on track. We have the same fights over & over again & I just feel it would be helpful to have someone to help us see better ways to work on communicating & other things. So now I am going to this session alone! He says I choose to be ignorant because I want what I want & not what he wants. Again why counseling could help. I know counseling is hard to hear things about yourself especially when you are an alcoholic but I am not here to blame or make him feel guilty or shamed. I want to be supportive & help our marriage otherwise I cannot see our marriage making it. Any thoughts?

SparkleKitty

It sounds to me like you are ready to make hard changes, and he is not.

Go to the counseling session on your own and get everything you can out of it. Take care of yourself.

Sotiredofitall

Yep, go to the counseling for yourself. Can't make him do what he won't do. But you CAN do for yourself. Hugs

Maudcat

Hi, Stacy.
Welcome.
Sounds like your husband is white knuckling it--not drinking but not taking recovery steps like going to AA or some other program, or going to therapy.
I'm no expert, but I can tell you as a recovering A that the chances of staying sober are far better when one has a recovery program and is committed to staying sober.
From your post, I'm not sure your husband is there yet.
Putting down the drink is a good first step, and I appreciate that you are proud of him.
It is that, though.
A first step of many on the path to recovery.
Do you go to Al-Anon? Could be a game changer for you.
And I agree with Sotired. Go to the counselling for you.
If he doesn't want to,go and be open in therapy, the experience will not be helpful for him or you.
And finally, as you mentioned in your post, your husband doesn't sound like the best communicator in the world.
That ain't fun.
Peace.

thousandwords53

I bolded the wording that stood out to me, personally. I am currently still married to my sober AH. He has not had a drink in almost 7 months now...but you know what...I am still here on this forum almost daily. The fact that he quit drinking may or may not fix those bolded issues. I know it didn't help in my situation.

First he miraculously quits...just like that, and wow- expects that to be enough, for you to take the blame, to also read his mind, so when you fail at that, he can blame you again. You will continue to have fights over the same things over and over again...until you do want what he wants (but then- how will you know what he wants? ESP?) So yeah...keep going to counseling. Work on yourself. Turn that laser focus on your relationship around to you. You might realize that some of the unkind things you've been told about yourself aren't true. More than likely you're an AMAZING mother doing more than just "her best"...what type of co-parent has he been?
I never ever post here but really felt the need to comment. Please stay around here and listen to these smart people who care very much.
Hugs

dandylion

Stacy.....I reread all of your threads, again...and, I can't help but notice that your husband has suggested that it would be easier to quit if he m oved out...and, you have suggested that you would find it easier, also.
Lol...I am famous for saying that, I wish there was a law that the alcoholic and their loved ones must live separate for the first year of early recovery...as it would be more humane for all concerned. Like....maybe, in a retreat in the mountains of Nepal...lol...
I am very disappointed to hear that he insists of white knuckling it "in his own"....because that really cuts down on the chances of him being able to actually quit forever.
What he doesn't know is that putting down the bottle is a first step, but it takes much more than that for a person to be in genuine recovery. Recovery, for the alcoholic requires changes from the inside...a pivotal life change...Tt entails change in the way of thinking...which results in a change in feelings and attitude...which results in a change in behaviors....over time. This requires a commitment to sobriety as the top priority of their life...It requires an investment in a program...like AA...and actually working the steps, and having a sponsor,,,,,It takes time and hard work....
It doesn't look like he is there yet. But there is no point in your nagging him...that is likely to make him more resistant than ever. BUT--it is important that YOU know all this, because, it will help you to make the kinds of decisions that you need to make...and, not spin your wheels in false hope.
I do think that marriage counseling as a couple is premature...based on the fact that few therapists will takethis on, until the drinking issue has been more resolved. (3 weeks is not enough time for even the alcoholic brain to level out physically). It is probably all he can do to get from day to day, right now, if he is truly not drinking, at all. It takes about 6mo. for the brain to clear...and much longer for it to completely "heal"...I am talking about the physiological aspects.

from what you describe, I think you have set the bar really high, for your expectations....Naturally, you want the original relationship back...you want the marriage healed.....
The alcoholic has to actually learn how to live, again, without the alcohol to deal with all their emotions....almost like a baby learning to walk.....
Dealing with a relationship that has had years of damage and a lot...a lot...of water under the bridge is probably too overwhelming for him to face...at least, not right now....
I also think that you seem to put a lot of value on being a support for him....I know that seems l ogical..but, it doesn't work that way in alcoholic relationships....There is no way that you can help him with the internal things that he has to deal with. The best thing is to detach from him as much as possible...and give him a wide space....Any efforts to "help" him is going to result in further resentment and fighting, probably....

If you should decide to go the separation route....the rule of thumb is that it should be at least one year of uninterrupted abstainence, before the relationship is re-evaluated.

I gave you, in my other posts, the links to our library of excellent articles on alcoholism and the effects on the l oved ones....there are several dozens of them...practically a boot camp education on alcoholism...
I hope you are reading them.....

I am going to give the link, again...

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

In addition...I am going to give the link, below, that I suggest that you pay special attention to...because it is a pretty good yardstick.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)

NYCDoglvr

I think expectations destroy more relationships than practically anything else. I suggest Alanon which helped me to shift the focus from the alcoholic to myself. He's indicated he doesn't want support and I think you must let him pursue recovery in his own way. Go to therapy on your own.

maia1234

Stacy,
I agree with the other posters. He is "sober" now, are you happy? No, because alcoholism has so many layers that need to be pulled off. He will never make you happy the way he is now. For a very long time you will question, is he sober, and can I ever trust him again? These are your issues and have a lot to work to do on them.

You are 50% of this marriage so own it. Educate yourself on addiction. See if you want to spend the rest of your life with a dry drunk. I hate to say it's sometimes worse then when they are drinking, at least you would get a break when they pass out.

Sending hugs, keep reading and posting.

hearthealth

Stacy,
My needs will not help my husband stay sober not in the beginning. Me knowing what he's thinking or giving him at a boys will not control his sobriety. Us working on our marriage is not the goal in the very early stages of sobriety.
It must be hard to white knuckle it. To forget the reminders to drink. To face life on life's term. Those skills I think must be learned before all else.

Sobriety is not about my needs or my control. I work on my short comings. I get counseling and Alanon. I keep the focus on me.