SoloMio

I have several active alcoholics in my life--my AH, of course, but there is also my 60-y.o. brother, who has managed to stay alive because he had some nice, long stretches of sobriety and housing given to him with VA benefits. He would make it about 5-6 months, get bored and then fall off the wagon for a few months until he'd reach a critical point when he'd go back to the VA for detox and placement in VA sober housing.

And, on another front, my son, who I've been very concerned bout, is also alcoholic.

So what is this Great Unraveling? I think for a long time--years, and decades sometimes--we can walk that tightrope, managing to hold it all together, to deny that alcohol is rotting the underpinnings of life.

But then there's the unraveling--the foundation crumbles and alcohol prevails.

That's where I am in my life right now. The Great Unraveling of my life just hit me yesterday:

a) My brother has run out of options. The VA will no longer support him. He's in a shelter, drinking his SSI check, depressed, lonely, and scared that he's about to die the way our father did--homeless on the street.

b) My son lost his job in early September and last week his girlfriend broke up with him. Is alcohol involved? He won't say, but I know it. His girlfriend is/was a teetotaler. She got a little freaked out when she came to our house over the summer and watched my husband drunk and sloppy at a BRUNCH we took them to. She also has repeated expressed concern about DS's drinking. Yesterday, my other son had a "mini-intervention" expressing deep concern over DS's drinking.

c) AH's health is surprisingly OK for someone who drinks a quart of vodka a day, but he is now slightly anemic. His doctor is concerned and told him to get a colonoscopy. The appointment was today, but AH canceled it. I was on a business trip the past two days, and AH and DS just sat in the back yard drinking, so he was not prepared for the procedure.

I think that the time has run out and my efforts to hold the family together and slap a happy face on the picture have run their course. I feel surrounded by blobs of disease--yesterday at work I got all kinds of drunken texts--from AH, AS, AB. All wanting me to return home to give them hope and sanity. But, you can't get blood from a stone. My hope and sanity is running out.

FeelingGreat

Ouch Solo, it sounds awful having all those drunks texting you. Do you get the urge to rush in and fix it for them, or has that disappeared?

I would hate to see a father encouraging his son to drink.

Bekindalways

Solo, you really have been through the wringer. Have you been able to find any particular way to nurture yourself through this triple whammy on an ordeal?

Smarie78

I am so sorry to read this. I was just talking to my sister on the phone about how hard it is to watch people you love completely unravel in this disease. I cannot imagine what it would be like to have multiple people sick, not to mention all family members. It really is the most horrible thing. Stay strong, get some help for you. Acceptance is very hard. I still struggle greatly with accepting watching someone so sick and not being able to do a thing about it. To "force" them to think like me. To force them to WANT to get well. and even if they say they want to, to try and force them to ACT on that want. It's very hard. It really is a mental illness you are witnessing...to stand by and watch something so crazy unfold. To know that you are losing them but they can't see it. You can kick and scream and it doesn't seem to work or get better. So you just sit back and watch. Nobody can hear you. I know they say to go to Alanon and focus on you. And you must do that to survive. But it is very hard for the whole family even then. Even if you do just focus on you. We are not wired to be completely unaffected by the choices of our loved ones.

Regardless, go to alanon and yes, focus on you. Do it because it's the only way. Even if it's through tears and pain...just keep going. What can you do today for yourself that may take the focus off of those around you?

dandylion

SoloMio.....they do sound very dependent on you.....like the kids wanting mommy to return home and take care of them....lol.....

marie1960

How many times in life can we watch the same movie? Regardless if it is your absolute favorite, eventually we are going to want to turn the channel and search out something new, something inspiring, something funny, something relaxing, something enjoyable. The "hope and sanity" you speak of belongs to you, hang on to it . When those we love compromise our well being, we must remember that we matter too, painful as it is. Wishing you peace, certainly sounds like you deserve break from the madness, hope you find something to do to ease your troubled mind. Peace.

AnvilheadII

My hope and sanity is running out.

for THEM maybe, but there is just enough for YOU.

it is perfectly absolutely OK to let other grown ups manage their own lives in whatever way they see fit. to just leave them to it. but we have to let go, completely LET GO of thinking we know a better way THEY should be managing their own affairs.

this is very freeing. it lets them be them. and it lets us, perhaps finally, JUST BE US.

Maudcat

Ach, Solo, you sound about done in.
I have one alcohol addicted sib, and he regularly sends me round the bend.
I can't imagine 3 of them.
I try to have as little contact with him as I can, which is no small feat, given that he lives with my mom, who I visit daily.
I gave him a ride to the bank a few days go because he was out of money and was circling my mom like a lion around a gazelle.
Well, given his condition and hygiene, it was more like a smelly old pig circling a truffle.
Anyway, whenever I am forced to speak to him, I am struck anew at how out of it he is.
No sense of time or day, no memory, long, maundering observations and repeats about nothing.
How is this man still alive? I ask.
Good luck and good thoughts.
I empathize.

Ladybird579

I cut all contact with my alcholic siblings. They drove me insane! Maybe a step back from the family issues would help? I've been very fortunate that none of my kids drink. Watching exah sent them teetotal but many of my extended family are alcohol dependent and one member had hidden it well for so long I was shocked when I realised the nasty texts I got late at night were the result of him drinking. He's blocked now..my own father. I go no contact now with all the alcoholics I had in my life. It must be very difficult when it is your child involved tho even tho they are grown up but you can't keep on. .your brain and body are telling you you're done..

Sasha1972

I'm really sorry to hear that you're surrounded by all this craziness. It sounds like you've got it in perspective - you see it as craziness, which it is, rather than holding yourself responsible for the chaos or trying to fix it. I am sorry that none of these grown men can handle their own lives. It is not your responsibility to make their lives better. It sounds like the family system which depended on you picking up the pieces and "slapping on a happy face" has reached the breaking point. I hope you can look after yourself and your own well-being even as it falls apart.

NYCDoglvr

You are powerless over the lives of these three alcoholics. You can't save them, cure them or get them sober. For me Alanon was a life-saver, giving me the tools to save myself and let go of outcomes. My heart goes out to you. Keep posting, you'll find plenty of support here.

maia1234

S.
I am so sorry for the pain you are dealing with. They are all grown men and they do know how to reach for support, on their own. A note on my desk says

God doesn't need my help, he can help each and every addict that reaches out for his help.

It is not your responsibility to "save" these men. Give them to God and take care of yourself. Hugs my friend, it just plain sucks!!

SoloMio

Thanks for all your comments and support.

One of the best things about my work is it requires a lot of focus and a lot of travel, so I'm not planning on retiring any time soon

My son will be going back home on the weekend (he came home for a few days to get emotional support from us with regard to the break-up). Yesterday was a good day. He knows the drinking is a problem, and he has agreed to see an addictions counselor.

My brother called me yesterday to tell me he's in detox in the VA. So, no more middle-of-the-night calls. (I don't answer his calls/texts at night, but I keep my phone on in case my other kids need me).

My AH was rampantly drunk yesterday, and mean to my son. He doubled up on his prescription medications for his GERD, and drank a full bottle of Maalox. He was feeling so poorly he went to bed early, so the evening was quiet.

I went to my Master Gardener's class.

I know the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. Even so, I have to work at not feeling guilty because I know I enable.

Anyway, yes, I have enough Al-Anon in me to be able to be moderately successful at detachment. But the triple-teaming just got to me the other day. I do also have to work at my savior complex. I have Mary Oliver's The Journey taped to my office closet and I read it for reinforcement ("..You strode deeper and deeper into the world determined to do the only thing you could do--determined to save the only life you could save."). And of course I come here.

Thanks again!

AnvilheadII

please don't take this the wrong way...

I don't answer his calls/texts at night, but I keep my phone on in case my other kids need me

how old are your kids again?

and exactly how often has there been a TRUE NEED via a phone call in the middle of the night in the last year? if it's life threatening, they would call 911. if their car broke down, they'd call Triple A. you do not have to be on watch 24/7 JUST IN CASE someone MIGHT need you.

hopeful4

That's a lot of people coming at you Solo. I am glad you are getting good at the detatching and continuing to do things for YOU.

Tight hugs.

SoloMio

My "kids" range from 32-39. And you're right--they never call me, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't want to know ASAP if something happened unexpectedly.

I had a great aunt who was a second mother to me. The night she died, the hospital called my mother (I was in college at the time) but my mother had a noisy air conditioner in her bedroom and this was in the day of landlines, and she didn't hear the kitchen phone, so we never had the chance to get to the hospital to say good-bye. I always have that in the back of my mind, and so it's no big deal for me to just keep my phone on at night. It doesn't disturb me.

AnvilheadII

college was a long time ago, Solo. and since that time you have kept yourself "on alert" just in CASE something happens to someone somewhere. and feeling the need to be involved, contacted.

imagine if important stuff happens to someone you care about and they don't tell you about it.........? imagine if they are busy doing life stuff and you are not immediately notified? i am confident that people in their 30's can manage just fine thru virtually any experience without your knowledge or involvement. perhaps think about that for a bit.

what IF you turned your phone off for one night? could you?

SoloMio

I appreciate your challenging me, Anvilhead, as I always do. But I need more challenging in the AH department. Yes, I'm codependent. But honestly, if I'm picking the battles I need to fight, I don't feel that turning my phone off at night is one of those battles. It's a simple thing that gives me peace of mind. My kids may never need me at 3a.m. But if they do, I want to be there.