My wife left me on step 6 of her recovery
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Originally Posted by Pathwaytofree 
Hi Kbagel,
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Please know it's not the 12 step program that did this to her. The 12 step program makes us all recovered, mind body spirit. It sounds like this is being done by an extremely controlling, manipulative, ego-driven unhealthy sponsor who's telling her what to do and say because she's getting off on having power over her. That's not what sponsorship's supposed to be about.
I hope your wife snaps out of this soon and wakes up to what she's doing. How she's behaving and treating you is definitely not in the spirit of a 12 step program.
From what I've read about purging and bulimia, a person can die from tears in the esophagus because of all the acid that's coming up from the stomach, or from an electrolyte imbalance. Do you know for a fact she's been honest with her therapist and medical professionals about the number of times she's purging per day?
PTF
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Please know it's not the 12 step program that did this to her. The 12 step program makes us all recovered, mind body spirit. It sounds like this is being done by an extremely controlling, manipulative, ego-driven unhealthy sponsor who's telling her what to do and say because she's getting off on having power over her. That's not what sponsorship's supposed to be about.
I hope your wife snaps out of this soon and wakes up to what she's doing. How she's behaving and treating you is definitely not in the spirit of a 12 step program.
From what I've read about purging and bulimia, a person can die from tears in the esophagus because of all the acid that's coming up from the stomach, or from an electrolyte imbalance. Do you know for a fact she's been honest with her therapist and medical professionals about the number of times she's purging per day?
PTF
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Originally Posted by sylvie83
Does it matter what the reasons are?
She is saying she doesn't want to be with you.
No-one can manipulate someone else to that extent. And even if they can it's still your wife making the choice.
Why can't you believe her? Is it because it"s too painful...devastating to accept.
I'm so sorry once again. This disease is vile.
You deserve peace. But it won't come from chasing answers from her.
Regardless of what you choose to do, please start looking for ways to look after yourself. Then you are best prepared for whatever decision she makes.
All the very best of luck
She is saying she doesn't want to be with you.
No-one can manipulate someone else to that extent. And even if they can it's still your wife making the choice.
Why can't you believe her? Is it because it"s too painful...devastating to accept.
I'm so sorry once again. This disease is vile.
You deserve peace. But it won't come from chasing answers from her.
Regardless of what you choose to do, please start looking for ways to look after yourself. Then you are best prepared for whatever decision she makes.
All the very best of luck
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Originally Posted by sylvie83
Also..this may sound harsh but if you were telling someone you wanted to leave and they were trying to talk to your support network and knew your medical records would you not feel a little disrespected? Or claustrophobic.
If they are a good therapist they won't be telling their client that her husband's opinion is healthier than hers. It just doesn't and shouldn't work that way.
I can tell you are trying to do this from a place of what you feel is love and care but she is a grown woman...even if she is displaying lots of signs to suggest she struggles to look after herself the way you feel she should.
I'm truly sorry you're hurting. I may sound cold but I too love an alcoholic who I was with not that long ago. I miss him...but the more learning I do and the more space that grows between us and the more I read on here, the more I realise what he was up to allll the time...and I also see my own unhealthy patterns...clearer each day.
I can finally believe what he always said to me. I should have listened sooner
It is not for me to decide how he lives his life, even though it breaks my heart to know he is hurting himself (he's not even at rehab! ).
His last words to me were an apology for getting us here...and that he had feelings for me still. I still love him. It's VERY hard to stay away, but I know it is best for both of us.
He chose drink (because right now he can't see how not to and may never). Your wife is choosing to step away. It is up to them what they do.
If they are a good therapist they won't be telling their client that her husband's opinion is healthier than hers. It just doesn't and shouldn't work that way.
I can tell you are trying to do this from a place of what you feel is love and care but she is a grown woman...even if she is displaying lots of signs to suggest she struggles to look after herself the way you feel she should.
I'm truly sorry you're hurting. I may sound cold but I too love an alcoholic who I was with not that long ago. I miss him...but the more learning I do and the more space that grows between us and the more I read on here, the more I realise what he was up to allll the time...and I also see my own unhealthy patterns...clearer each day.
I can finally believe what he always said to me. I should have listened sooner
It is not for me to decide how he lives his life, even though it breaks my heart to know he is hurting himself (he's not even at rehab! ).
His last words to me were an apology for getting us here...and that he had feelings for me still. I still love him. It's VERY hard to stay away, but I know it is best for both of us.
He chose drink (because right now he can't see how not to and may never). Your wife is choosing to step away. It is up to them what they do.
I am sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I wish I would have gotten an apology and that she still has love for me but I didn't. And that's something I will live with. I appreciate the advice and you taking the time to write.
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Originally Posted by sylvie83
"My wife is going to her therapist tomorrow who was appalled when she found out this happened because she had no indication in the weekly sessions they had"
This also concerns me...
Her therapist should not be telling you this. And she should certainly not be appalled at a client!
Having worked in the field this makes me nervous.
A therapist should be a safe person to turn to without judgement. You can help her by pulling away from asking for information. It's pretty serious...breaching confidentiality... unless you both went to therapy together...but even then if you had separate sessions it should be kept confidential.
Wow I sound like i'm laying into you here. Again I'm sorry. I really do.feel.for you. But you sound really confused with what"s happening and hurt by it...and maybe there is a level of interest from you that might feel too much for her right now?
She may need a safe space to find confidentiality so she can learn to share what's going on?
This also concerns me...
Her therapist should not be telling you this. And she should certainly not be appalled at a client!
Having worked in the field this makes me nervous.
A therapist should be a safe person to turn to without judgement. You can help her by pulling away from asking for information. It's pretty serious...breaching confidentiality... unless you both went to therapy together...but even then if you had separate sessions it should be kept confidential.
Wow I sound like i'm laying into you here. Again I'm sorry. I really do.feel.for you. But you sound really confused with what"s happening and hurt by it...and maybe there is a level of interest from you that might feel too much for her right now?
She may need a safe space to find confidentiality so she can learn to share what's going on?
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Originally Posted by Kbagel199
Hi. I'm new to this sort of thing but I thought it might be helpful for me. So my wife has an eating disorder and has been battling it for 16 years. We have been together for 3.5 years and married for 1.5 years. Aside from the strain of the eating disorder our relationship was solid. She started the 12 step recovery process 5 weeks ago and 3 meetings in a woman approached her about being her sponsor. We thought this was great, the woman was considerably older with 8 years recovered and a lot of life experience under her belt. She also was retired and very active with her husband (who is a recovered alcoholic that she met in AA) in all meetings. It was life consuming for them. My wife's journey started normal...she was attending 3 meetings a week and talking to her sponsor for a few minutes daily. Gradually I started to notice changes and not for the better. She was very secretive with the conversations and text messages with her sponsor. She stopped talking to me about anything recovery related. She even physically pulled away. Her meetings went from 3 to 6 and she would meet with her sponsor 2 hours before the meeting, go to the meeting with her sponsor and then spend 2-2.5 hours after the meetings with her sponsor. She wasn't getting home until 9-10 at night 6 nights a week. Then as soon as she would get home she would immediately call or start texting her sponsor for hours until she went to bed. I am in therapy to help better support her and was enoucraged to ask her gentle, simple questions about this. I started inquiring about her relationship with her sponsor and why she was being told that her spouse shouldn't be a support system. My wife recognized during step 4 that she was a pathological compulsive liar (her words) so her responses seemed very untrue and very defensive. I shared my concern that a sponsor should cultivate relationships that aren't codependent but what she was doing was in fact creating a clear codepeant one between her and my wife. It was sick. I was worried. This progressed for about 2 weeks when out of the blue (after a phone call with her sponsor ironically) she told me she was lying to herself and she never loved me and she wanted a divorce. She followed it up with asking me to leave OUR home that we bought together. It seemed very rehearsed and she had zero emotion when saying this to me. I'm heartbroken, shocked and scared. I gave up all control when she started this process. I set no boundaries or rules and let her have her space. I am now paying dearly for it and I blame her sponsor for what clearly was a push to leave. I know it was her decision but my wife drank the kool-aid and is clearly not in her right mind. PS this happened today so it's fresh. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.
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Originally Posted by Bunny211
I had a very sick, codependent sponsor for a while too. She convinced me my family was no good and when I was "allowed" to speak with them I had to read from a script she gave me. I was told not to attend family functions or holidays etc. this woman wanted my blood -- she was truly a vampire. I was not allowed to see my friends or she'd threaten to fire me. I wasn't allowed to see a therapist or she'd fire me. She called me names, she told me if I didn't do exactly as she told me I didn't want to be sober and would relapse and die. She convinced me I was a terrible person and no one else in AA would sponsor me ...since they all realized what a "f--ing narcissist" I was (her words). I truly wanted to die. Finally I snapped. I fired her, found out everything she said was a lie, got a new sponsor and started to rebuild. There are some VERY sick people in AA. Feel free to message me if you'd like to chat.
Say that no one person can make someone do something like this if there's isn't a little
Part of them that already doesn't want to do it. But you don't know my wife. She's had a traumatic past that has left her very vulnerable and impressionable. She is the perfect prey. She is clearly not in her right mind and I hope to God something snaps her out of it. What snapped you out of it? PS I also private messaged you.
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Kbagel....how long does it take for a divorce to become final, after filing, in your state? I am asking out of curiosity.....
Because....if she is simply being impulsive....she may have a pause for consideration when reality sets in....when she has to start packing for a move...consider her own finances....jump through hoops, of various kinds....and, just, simply the passage of time.....
I am curious as to what the sponsor's husband must be thinking, if his wife is devoting this much time to one person.....Not that you can do anything about that, either, but, in time he may try to put the kibosh on his wife...?
These fantasy relationships have a way of imploding, on their own, in time.....
Because....if she is simply being impulsive....she may have a pause for consideration when reality sets in....when she has to start packing for a move...consider her own finances....jump through hoops, of various kinds....and, just, simply the passage of time.....
I am curious as to what the sponsor's husband must be thinking, if his wife is devoting this much time to one person.....Not that you can do anything about that, either, but, in time he may try to put the kibosh on his wife...?
These fantasy relationships have a way of imploding, on their own, in time.....
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kbagel....how long does it take for a divorce to become final, after filing, in your state? I am asking out of curiosity.....
Because....if she is simply being impulsive....she may have a pause for consideration when reality sets in....when she has to start packing for a move...consider her own finances....jump through hoops, of various kinds....and, just, simply the passage of time.....
I am curious as to what the sponsor's husband must be thinking, if his wife is devoting this much time to one person.....Not that you can do anything about that, either, but, in time he may try to put the kibosh on his wife...?
These fantasy relationships have a way of imploding, on their own, in time.....
Because....if she is simply being impulsive....she may have a pause for consideration when reality sets in....when she has to start packing for a move...consider her own finances....jump through hoops, of various kinds....and, just, simply the passage of time.....
I am curious as to what the sponsor's husband must be thinking, if his wife is devoting this much time to one person.....Not that you can do anything about that, either, but, in time he may try to put the kibosh on his wife...?
These fantasy relationships have a way of imploding, on their own, in time.....
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Update
Originally Posted by Kbagel199
Hi. I'm new to this sort of thing but I thought it might be helpful for me. So my wife has an eating disorder and has been battling it for 16 years. We have been together for 3.5 years and married for 1.5 years. Aside from the strain of the eating disorder our relationship was solid. She started the 12 step recovery process 5 weeks ago and 3 meetings in a woman approached her about being her sponsor. We thought this was great, the woman was considerably older with 8 years recovered and a lot of life experience under her belt. She also was retired and very active with her husband (who is a recovered alcoholic that she met in AA) in all meetings. It was life consuming for them. My wife's journey started normal...she was attending 3 meetings a week and talking to her sponsor for a few minutes daily. Gradually I started to notice changes and not for the better. She was very secretive with the conversations and text messages with her sponsor. She stopped talking to me about anything recovery related. She even physically pulled away. Her meetings went from 3 to 6 and she would meet with her sponsor 2 hours before the meeting, go to the meeting with her sponsor and then spend 2-2.5 hours after the meetings with her sponsor. She wasn't getting home until 9-10 at night 6 nights a week. Then as soon as she would get home she would immediately call or start texting her sponsor for hours until she went to bed. I am in therapy to help better support her and was enoucraged to ask her gentle, simple questions about this. I started inquiring about her relationship with her sponsor and why she was being told that her spouse shouldn't be a support system. My wife recognized during step 4 that she was a pathological compulsive liar (her words) so her responses seemed very untrue and very defensive. I shared my concern that a sponsor should cultivate relationships that aren't codependent but what she was doing was in fact creating a clear codepeant one between her and my wife. It was sick. I was worried. This progressed for about 2 weeks when out of the blue (after a phone call with her sponsor ironically) she told me she was lying to herself and she never loved me and she wanted a divorce. She followed it up with asking me to leave OUR home that we bought together. It seemed very rehearsed and she had zero emotion when saying this to me. I'm heartbroken, shocked and scared. I gave up all control when she started this process. I set no boundaries or rules and let her have her space. I am now paying dearly for it and I blame her sponsor for what clearly was a push to leave. I know it was her decision but my wife drank the kool-aid and is clearly not in her right mind. PS this happened today so it's fresh. If anyone has any advice I would appreciate it.
So I've been following a lot of advice and I appreciate all the kind words. I have spoken to her from a vulnerable place and told her that I love her and am committed to our marriage and fighting for it. She gets more and more distant, cold, emotionless and angry. She's actually angry at me! I was not the one who chose this! She has now declared to everyone her issue and she is in a program and that her and I are no longer together. A mutual friend reached out tonight to tell me he and his wife were there for me. They continued to tell me that they went to a birthday party last night and my wife was there and she was drunk out of her mind and pulled them aside to very casually tell them she has an eating disorder and is a program and we aren't together anymore. My friends said it was strange and she said it like it was rehearsed and she kept falling over. They said to me that they were confused because she was saying she was in a 12 step program but was intoxicated beyond belief. Here I am, not even able to get myself out of bed because I'm so broken and my wife is at parties making it seem like we were dating and just broke up. Can someone please explain this behavior to me?! I'm still seeing my therapist but the insight in this forum has helped me a lot. It seems as though my wife has moved on to this new "truthful" life but is still making poor decisions and minimizing the magnitude of our situation. She is showing no sadness, remorse or responsibility. I'm just crushed, confused and shocked!
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Consider her anger as a defence for the guilt she feels about hurting you. In fact her whole cold demeanour could be her way of not facing up to the hurt she's caused you.
She is not in recovery, no matter how much she says or thinks she is. Chances are she is having an affair, and wants you gone neatly and conveniently so she doesn't have to look at her own behaviour.
Her drinking is a bad sign as regards recovery, and no matter how much she avoids it, reality will hit her at some point.
As hurtful and difficult as it is to lose a marriage like this, she is not available to you right now, and is rather dangerous for you to be around (emotionally).
How are you looking after yourself? Counselling can be very helpful even if it doesn't take away the pain, and looking after your legal affairs is also essential. I'm glad some friends are rallying around, because it's good to know people care about you.
She is not in recovery, no matter how much she says or thinks she is. Chances are she is having an affair, and wants you gone neatly and conveniently so she doesn't have to look at her own behaviour.
Her drinking is a bad sign as regards recovery, and no matter how much she avoids it, reality will hit her at some point.
As hurtful and difficult as it is to lose a marriage like this, she is not available to you right now, and is rather dangerous for you to be around (emotionally).
How are you looking after yourself? Counselling can be very helpful even if it doesn't take away the pain, and looking after your legal affairs is also essential. I'm glad some friends are rallying around, because it's good to know people care about you.
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Kbabel.....I am so sorry that this is happening....and I can only imagine how distressed and confusing it is....
I wish that I could give you some possible explanations for what might be going on, but, I cannot....because it would just be speculation....And, of course, I don't know anything about the dynamics of your relationship.....
I assume that your therapist does have more of an understanding....
On it's face, it sounds like she is very confused and a bit out of control...and blaming you for the crisis in the relationship....Communication doesn't seem to be very good.....I suspect that FeelinGreat may be right, that she might be feeling very guilty.....
At least, you are putting the cards on the table about your feelings.....
I don't know what more you can do, at this junction , except to give her plenty of space....as, trying to talk to her only causes her to withdraw, even more....and, that probably makes it even harder for you.....
You do need support for yourself, because you still have to live from day to day ...life isn't going to stop for you....
The future will unfold as it is going to unfold...and, in time, I think the facts will unfold....it certainly won't remain the same as it is now, forever....it will go in one direction forever....
I send you my compassion and empathy....
Remember that you must take care of your own welfare...
I wish that I could give you some possible explanations for what might be going on, but, I cannot....because it would just be speculation....And, of course, I don't know anything about the dynamics of your relationship.....
I assume that your therapist does have more of an understanding....
On it's face, it sounds like she is very confused and a bit out of control...and blaming you for the crisis in the relationship....Communication doesn't seem to be very good.....I suspect that FeelinGreat may be right, that she might be feeling very guilty.....
At least, you are putting the cards on the table about your feelings.....
I don't know what more you can do, at this junction , except to give her plenty of space....as, trying to talk to her only causes her to withdraw, even more....and, that probably makes it even harder for you.....
You do need support for yourself, because you still have to live from day to day ...life isn't going to stop for you....
The future will unfold as it is going to unfold...and, in time, I think the facts will unfold....it certainly won't remain the same as it is now, forever....it will go in one direction forever....
I send you my compassion and empathy....
Remember that you must take care of your own welfare...
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Unfortunately, she seems to not care at all about your feelings or where you are. That is something you will have to face. Sometimes people are just not the person you think they are. Even if she is dealing with mental health issues, you cannot make her stay married to you. Even if you are willing to fight for your life together, if she is not, then there is nothing you can do about that part of it.
Most here will tell you to focus on YOU, and your own well being. That is because we have tried to change our qualifiers and have realized that you cannot. It comes with experience, and education. It's the hardest thing to realize, but you just cannot change another person. I may be wrong, but didn't you mention that she said she realized she is a compulsive liar? It's possible she is just not the person you thought she was.
When one goes to AA they should understand that their sponsor is not a counselor or addiction specialist. That they are people, and many of them flawed people. It's a sad fact, but still a fact. However, again, not anything you can really do about that since it's not happening to you yourself.
Keep reading, keep educating yourself, and keep reaching out for support.
Best wishes to you.
Most here will tell you to focus on YOU, and your own well being. That is because we have tried to change our qualifiers and have realized that you cannot. It comes with experience, and education. It's the hardest thing to realize, but you just cannot change another person. I may be wrong, but didn't you mention that she said she realized she is a compulsive liar? It's possible she is just not the person you thought she was.
When one goes to AA they should understand that their sponsor is not a counselor or addiction specialist. That they are people, and many of them flawed people. It's a sad fact, but still a fact. However, again, not anything you can really do about that since it's not happening to you yourself.
Keep reading, keep educating yourself, and keep reaching out for support.
Best wishes to you.
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Sylvie...I did not understand that drinking alcohol was even a problem, from the poster's information, until very recently....when she was reported to be very drunk and falling down at a party......
Also, the poster is already seeing a therapist....which many people are not, when they first come here...
Actually, I do think that she has been told to take care of her own self...just, in more nuanced ways, than it is often phrased...see a lawyer for herself....give space...maybe, consider a physical separation.....told that there is not much more that she can do...that she cannot control her mate, who has, after all, free will....that her partner sounds confused and that is typical of early recovery/treatment for any addiction.....
***In addition, I, personally am familiar with people going to AA for drug problems...but, I am not familiar with those going to AA for eating disorders. I have only known of them going to their own 12-step program.....
I agree that there are, frequently co-occurring conditions...and, that the alcoholism has to be addressed, along with support and treatment for any other disorders....
Also, the poster is already seeing a therapist....which many people are not, when they first come here...
Actually, I do think that she has been told to take care of her own self...just, in more nuanced ways, than it is often phrased...see a lawyer for herself....give space...maybe, consider a physical separation.....told that there is not much more that she can do...that she cannot control her mate, who has, after all, free will....that her partner sounds confused and that is typical of early recovery/treatment for any addiction.....
***In addition, I, personally am familiar with people going to AA for drug problems...but, I am not familiar with those going to AA for eating disorders. I have only known of them going to their own 12-step program.....
I agree that there are, frequently co-occurring conditions...and, that the alcoholism has to be addressed, along with support and treatment for any other disorders....
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