My wife left me on step 6 of her recovery
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by Kbagel199 
So here's the rub...when we got married she had a savings account open with nothing in and we decided that it would be our joint savings and whenever I needed money I would just have her transfer it to me. Stupid I know that I didn't have my name on that account but I thought I would be with this woman for the rest of my life. The thought of not didn't even cross my mind. I regret it but can't change it. She is now holding that money hostage and refuses to transfer my half. I'm sitting down with a lawyer to review my rights and options. I need that money. What happened in your situation?
She says she's no longer acting in bad behaviors and that is part of her decision to leave. She says that she has never been healthier and in order to continue her health and happiness she needs to leave this marriage. Sure sounds like she's blaming her eating disorder on me. I am the one who encouraged her to start this program to get healthy and now it's backfired completely and left me broken and without my partner.
I am far from ok but I'm trying to be rational and not emotional. I got from sobbing one minute to being angry the next. I have a lot of support with family and friends and a therapist. I know I will get through this but it's so helpful to hear from people who can relate and know what I'm going through. I can use all the advice I can get since I am not in the program I feel confused about what is happening and if this is normal behavior for someone recovering?
She says she's no longer acting in bad behaviors and that is part of her decision to leave. She says that she has never been healthier and in order to continue her health and happiness she needs to leave this marriage. Sure sounds like she's blaming her eating disorder on me. I am the one who encouraged her to start this program to get healthy and now it's backfired completely and left me broken and without my partner.
I am far from ok but I'm trying to be rational and not emotional. I got from sobbing one minute to being angry the next. I have a lot of support with family and friends and a therapist. I know I will get through this but it's so helpful to hear from people who can relate and know what I'm going through. I can use all the advice I can get since I am not in the program I feel confused about what is happening and if this is normal behavior for someone recovering?
I kept my money separate from my new husband. Just in case, I even had a relative hold onto three months' living expenses for me in his account in another state. It turned out to be an insight I am very glad I had. My ex was into the IRS for over 100 thousand dollars and didn't bother to tell me before we got married. He was also a drug and alcohol abuser and God knows what else, he disappeared for days at a time. It was ugly, but I had that nest egg so when we split I was able to keep going.
Lawyer up soon my friend.
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Something doesn't sound right.
(1) OA meetings don't last 2 hours. They're generally an hour and 15 minutes.
(2) Do not leave your own house. She wants a divorce? She should leave or you both stay and figure it out legally. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Someone's giving her advice and telling her what to do.
(3) Some sponsors instead of sponsoring, they completely take over their sponsee's lives. They break sponsor-sponsee boundaries. Most sponsors say you never make big changes in the first year of recovery. Sponsors are not supposed to tell sponsees how to live or what to do. They're just supposed to take them through the steps and in your wife's case, help with a food plan. That's it.
(4) Do you think this is a sponsor-sponsee relationship, or an affair? (Only you can answer that, not us. You know your wife, we do not). Also, is her sponsor female or male?
(5) Also I remember early on in recovery, my emotions, thoughts, and feelings were all over the place. I'm sure I said things I didn't mean. Is this unusual behavior for her? Is she acting like herself? If this seems to have come out of the blue, it's possible that her sponsor has a hold over her in an unhealthy way.
(6) Do not accept the blame for her eating disorder. If she was truly as healthy as she now thinks she is, she would see that her eating disorder addiction is her own to own up to, and pointing the finger and blaming you for it makes no sense. When we point a finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointing back at us.
Good luck, Kbagel.
(1) OA meetings don't last 2 hours. They're generally an hour and 15 minutes.
(2) Do not leave your own house. She wants a divorce? She should leave or you both stay and figure it out legally. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Someone's giving her advice and telling her what to do.
(3) Some sponsors instead of sponsoring, they completely take over their sponsee's lives. They break sponsor-sponsee boundaries. Most sponsors say you never make big changes in the first year of recovery. Sponsors are not supposed to tell sponsees how to live or what to do. They're just supposed to take them through the steps and in your wife's case, help with a food plan. That's it.
(4) Do you think this is a sponsor-sponsee relationship, or an affair? (Only you can answer that, not us. You know your wife, we do not). Also, is her sponsor female or male?
(5) Also I remember early on in recovery, my emotions, thoughts, and feelings were all over the place. I'm sure I said things I didn't mean. Is this unusual behavior for her? Is she acting like herself? If this seems to have come out of the blue, it's possible that her sponsor has a hold over her in an unhealthy way.
(6) Do not accept the blame for her eating disorder. If she was truly as healthy as she now thinks she is, she would see that her eating disorder addiction is her own to own up to, and pointing the finger and blaming you for it makes no sense. When we point a finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointing back at us.
Good luck, Kbagel.
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 37
I relate to what you are going through. My fiance left me 2 months into his recovery. For me it was completely out of the blue, as the month before we had been talking about our future together and there was a lot of excitement for working through our problems and coming out the other side stronger than ever.
I found he broke up with me for multiple reasons. One was that I was a trigger for him, I was very tied up into his memories of his drug use and being around me was difficult for him. I don't use drugs, but our relationship during that time was very strained and dramatic and just ugly. The second was that he met a girl in rehab and wanted to have a relationship with her instead (sounds like a GREAT idea).
After a ton of reading on these forums, more al-anon meetings than I can count and a lot of therapy I have realized that he is probably experiencing a bit of a "high" with this new relationship and by jumping into that he doesn't have to face his feelings, same as when he is using. I believe that he can't bring himself to face the damage that was done to our relationship and it is easier and safer for his sobriety to just walk away. I was also blamed for his drug use after we broke up and I was trying to understand why this had changed so dramatically. After 3 months I am finally starting to feel a little better. I still cry over it every day but now it is just a little bit, not the melt downs I was having everyday. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed. I started focusing on me and am slowly healing from the pain, but it has taken a lot of time.
I was going to 5 al-anon meetings a week plus therapy twice a week, I found those were the only few hours of peace I could find.
I don;t know where things go from here and that is very scary, but I have to move on and keep living my life, not waiting for him to figure it out. Your wife is probably on an emotional roller coaster and maybe being advised to leave you, I can't say, but maybe it is for the best. I finally came to terms with the fact that my ex can be on his path of recovery and I can continue on mine. Maybe down the road we will come back together healthier and happier. Or possibly he isn't going to be able to stay sober and I will avoid a lot of heartache. Who knows?
I know none of this will make you feel better because I know the pain and confusion you are going through and nothing made me feel better at the beginning. I can tell you that you are not alone in this, I am there with you and many people on these forums have gone through the same. It will get better, I can promise you that. I didn't believe it 3 months ago I thought the pain literally would never end, but today I do feel better and while I still feel pain it isn't as deep and unending as I thought it was.
We are all here for you! Take care of yourself.
I found he broke up with me for multiple reasons. One was that I was a trigger for him, I was very tied up into his memories of his drug use and being around me was difficult for him. I don't use drugs, but our relationship during that time was very strained and dramatic and just ugly. The second was that he met a girl in rehab and wanted to have a relationship with her instead (sounds like a GREAT idea).
After a ton of reading on these forums, more al-anon meetings than I can count and a lot of therapy I have realized that he is probably experiencing a bit of a "high" with this new relationship and by jumping into that he doesn't have to face his feelings, same as when he is using. I believe that he can't bring himself to face the damage that was done to our relationship and it is easier and safer for his sobriety to just walk away. I was also blamed for his drug use after we broke up and I was trying to understand why this had changed so dramatically. After 3 months I am finally starting to feel a little better. I still cry over it every day but now it is just a little bit, not the melt downs I was having everyday. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed. I started focusing on me and am slowly healing from the pain, but it has taken a lot of time.
I was going to 5 al-anon meetings a week plus therapy twice a week, I found those were the only few hours of peace I could find.
I don;t know where things go from here and that is very scary, but I have to move on and keep living my life, not waiting for him to figure it out. Your wife is probably on an emotional roller coaster and maybe being advised to leave you, I can't say, but maybe it is for the best. I finally came to terms with the fact that my ex can be on his path of recovery and I can continue on mine. Maybe down the road we will come back together healthier and happier. Or possibly he isn't going to be able to stay sober and I will avoid a lot of heartache. Who knows?
I know none of this will make you feel better because I know the pain and confusion you are going through and nothing made me feel better at the beginning. I can tell you that you are not alone in this, I am there with you and many people on these forums have gone through the same. It will get better, I can promise you that. I didn't believe it 3 months ago I thought the pain literally would never end, but today I do feel better and while I still feel pain it isn't as deep and unending as I thought it was.
We are all here for you! Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 30
Originally Posted by Pathwaytofree
Something doesn't sound right.
(1) OA meetings don't last 2 hours. They're generally an hour and 15 minutes.
(2) Do not leave your own house. She wants a divorce? She should leave or you both stay and figure it out legally. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Someone's giving her advice and telling her what to do.
(3) Some sponsors instead of sponsoring, they completely take over their sponsee's lives. They break sponsor-sponsee boundaries. Most sponsors say you never make big changes in the first year of recovery. Sponsors are not supposed to tell sponsees how to live or what to do. They're just supposed to take them through the steps and in your wife's case, help with a food plan. That's it.
(4) Do you think this is a sponsor-sponsee relationship, or an affair? (Only you can answer that, not us. You know your wife, we do not). Also, is her sponsor female or male?
(5) Also I remember early on in recovery, my emotions, thoughts, and feelings were all over the place. I'm sure I said things I didn't mean. Is this unusual behavior for her? Is she acting like herself? If this seems to have come out of the blue, it's possible that her sponsor has a hold over her in an unhealthy way.
(6) Do not accept the blame for her eating disorder. If she was truly as healthy as she now thinks she is, she would see that her eating disorder addiction is her own to own up to, and pointing the finger and blaming you for it makes no sense. When we point a finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointing back at us.
Good luck, Kbagel.
(1) OA meetings don't last 2 hours. They're generally an hour and 15 minutes.
(2) Do not leave your own house. She wants a divorce? She should leave or you both stay and figure it out legally. Get a lawyer and protect yourself. Someone's giving her advice and telling her what to do.
(3) Some sponsors instead of sponsoring, they completely take over their sponsee's lives. They break sponsor-sponsee boundaries. Most sponsors say you never make big changes in the first year of recovery. Sponsors are not supposed to tell sponsees how to live or what to do. They're just supposed to take them through the steps and in your wife's case, help with a food plan. That's it.
(4) Do you think this is a sponsor-sponsee relationship, or an affair? (Only you can answer that, not us. You know your wife, we do not). Also, is her sponsor female or male?
(5) Also I remember early on in recovery, my emotions, thoughts, and feelings were all over the place. I'm sure I said things I didn't mean. Is this unusual behavior for her? Is she acting like herself? If this seems to have come out of the blue, it's possible that her sponsor has a hold over her in an unhealthy way.
(6) Do not accept the blame for her eating disorder. If she was truly as healthy as she now thinks she is, she would see that her eating disorder addiction is her own to own up to, and pointing the finger and blaming you for it makes no sense. When we point a finger at someone else, there are 3 fingers pointing back at us.
Good luck, Kbagel.
This is very unusual behavior for her. She's not direct at all and is the sweetest thing I've ever met. She cares so much for people and their feelings. She has always been open with her phone and never tried to hide anything from me. She has also been very responsive with me via phone, always. Since this has occurred she is unemotional, callous, direct, very secretive and unreachable. She clearly has someone in her ear just from the way she sat me down and directly, with no emotion, told me she doesn't love me, she's been lying to herself and me and tried to kick me out. Then when I told her it was my house too she spouted some legal crap about only having her name on the home loan but when I told her that our home is the marital home and is community property by Arizona law since it was purchased after we were legally married she got all flustered and frustrated. Whoever coached her didn't coach her on what to say to that statement. She's a completely different person in the span of 24 hours. Even though this was a couple weeks of progressive bad behaviors she was still sweet and flirty and using affectionate names up until the morning of. I found her on the phone that morning smiling and saying "you're right. Yep you're right." and then after she hung up, with her next breath, out the blue, she told me she doesn't love me.
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Originally Posted by LostinLB
I relate to what you are going through. My fiance left me 2 months into his recovery. For me it was completely out of the blue, as the month before we had been talking about our future together and there was a lot of excitement for working through our problems and coming out the other side stronger than ever.
I found he broke up with me for multiple reasons. One was that I was a trigger for him, I was very tied up into his memories of his drug use and being around me was difficult for him. I don't use drugs, but our relationship during that time was very strained and dramatic and just ugly. The second was that he met a girl in rehab and wanted to have a relationship with her instead (sounds like a GREAT idea).
After a ton of reading on these forums, more al-anon meetings than I can count and a lot of therapy I have realized that he is probably experiencing a bit of a "high" with this new relationship and by jumping into that he doesn't have to face his feelings, same as when he is using. I believe that he can't bring himself to face the damage that was done to our relationship and it is easier and safer for his sobriety to just walk away. I was also blamed for his drug use after we broke up and I was trying to understand why this had changed so dramatically. After 3 months I am finally starting to feel a little better. I still cry over it every day but now it is just a little bit, not the melt downs I was having everyday. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed. I started focusing on me and am slowly healing from the pain, but it has taken a lot of time.
I was going to 5 al-anon meetings a week plus therapy twice a week, I found those were the only few hours of peace I could find.
I don;t know where things go from here and that is very scary, but I have to move on and keep living my life, not waiting for him to figure it out. Your wife is probably on an emotional roller coaster and maybe being advised to leave you, I can't say, but maybe it is for the best. I finally came to terms with the fact that my ex can be on his path of recovery and I can continue on mine. Maybe down the road we will come back together healthier and happier. Or possibly he isn't going to be able to stay sober and I will avoid a lot of heartache. Who knows?
I know none of this will make you feel better because I know the pain and confusion you are going through and nothing made me feel better at the beginning. I can tell you that you are not alone in this, I am there with you and many people on these forums have gone through the same. It will get better, I can promise you that. I didn't believe it 3 months ago I thought the pain literally would never end, but today I do feel better and while I still feel pain it isn't as deep and unending as I thought it was.
We are all here for you! Take care of yourself.
I found he broke up with me for multiple reasons. One was that I was a trigger for him, I was very tied up into his memories of his drug use and being around me was difficult for him. I don't use drugs, but our relationship during that time was very strained and dramatic and just ugly. The second was that he met a girl in rehab and wanted to have a relationship with her instead (sounds like a GREAT idea).
After a ton of reading on these forums, more al-anon meetings than I can count and a lot of therapy I have realized that he is probably experiencing a bit of a "high" with this new relationship and by jumping into that he doesn't have to face his feelings, same as when he is using. I believe that he can't bring himself to face the damage that was done to our relationship and it is easier and safer for his sobriety to just walk away. I was also blamed for his drug use after we broke up and I was trying to understand why this had changed so dramatically. After 3 months I am finally starting to feel a little better. I still cry over it every day but now it is just a little bit, not the melt downs I was having everyday. There were days I couldn't even get out of bed. I started focusing on me and am slowly healing from the pain, but it has taken a lot of time.
I was going to 5 al-anon meetings a week plus therapy twice a week, I found those were the only few hours of peace I could find.
I don;t know where things go from here and that is very scary, but I have to move on and keep living my life, not waiting for him to figure it out. Your wife is probably on an emotional roller coaster and maybe being advised to leave you, I can't say, but maybe it is for the best. I finally came to terms with the fact that my ex can be on his path of recovery and I can continue on mine. Maybe down the road we will come back together healthier and happier. Or possibly he isn't going to be able to stay sober and I will avoid a lot of heartache. Who knows?
I know none of this will make you feel better because I know the pain and confusion you are going through and nothing made me feel better at the beginning. I can tell you that you are not alone in this, I am there with you and many people on these forums have gone through the same. It will get better, I can promise you that. I didn't believe it 3 months ago I thought the pain literally would never end, but today I do feel better and while I still feel pain it isn't as deep and unending as I thought it was.
We are all here for you! Take care of yourself.
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Originally Posted by sylvie83
What is her excuse for not transferring the money?!
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kbagel....I don't think it would be wise to call her "sponsor", or speak to anyone outside of your personal support system, until you have spoken with an attorney, first.
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Originally Posted by maia1234
Continue with your support. I am so sorry she hurt you. Addicts hurt so many of us. Sending big bear hugs!!
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Update
I am now getting advice from family to fight for my marriage and my therapist recommends that I sit down and show her how she hurt me and ask for clarity to help me understand why she isn't in love with me anymore. Everyone seems to think that there is hope. I want so badly to believe there is but I don't know. This was out of the blue and so unlike her that I feel like she wasn't in her right mind. Does anyone have any experience with this? I want to fight but I also don't want to lose myself in the fight if she has made up her mind and there's nothing that will change that. Bottom line is this is a marriage. We aren't dating. We made a commitment and we haven't gone to marriage counseling because she refuses to go. Is it worth fighting even if I'm the only one doing it?
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Originally Posted by Kbagel199
Is it worth fighting even if I'm the only one doing it?
"Telling her how she hurt you" is most likely to lead to her attacking you or blaming you. You've already seen this, right? What would be different this time?
What would be changed even if you DID receive clarity to understand why she isn't in love w/you? And is there even, or ever, a "why" to that? I don't know that it's a question that even has an answer.
IMHO, these people may mean well but are misguided, even the therapist (does he/she specialize in addictions?).
One person alone cannot make a marriage work. I believe this absolutely.
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Originally Posted by honeypig
I do not believe so, Kbagel. What does "fight for your marriage" even mean? Seriously. What specifically does it mean? What specific actions would you be taking? What do people think you can do to change her or change the way things are?
"Telling her how she hurt you" is most likely to lead to her attacking you or blaming you. You've already seen this, right? What would be different this time?
What would be changed even if you DID receive clarity to understand why she isn't in love w/you? And is there even, or ever, a "why" to that? I don't know that it's a question that even has an answer.
IMHO, these people may mean well but are misguided, even the therapist (does he/she specialize in addictions?).
One person alone cannot make a marriage work. I believe this absolutely.
"Telling her how she hurt you" is most likely to lead to her attacking you or blaming you. You've already seen this, right? What would be different this time?
What would be changed even if you DID receive clarity to understand why she isn't in love w/you? And is there even, or ever, a "why" to that? I don't know that it's a question that even has an answer.
IMHO, these people may mean well but are misguided, even the therapist (does he/she specialize in addictions?).
One person alone cannot make a marriage work. I believe this absolutely.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
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And from what you've said, it does sound as if someone is manipulating her, so maybe I'm way off base in what I said. Maybe this is something completely different.
I'm sure you'll get other opinions too, and perhaps they'll be more useful than mine, since this is NOT an area where I have direct experience.
I'm sure you'll get other opinions too, and perhaps they'll be more useful than mine, since this is NOT an area where I have direct experience.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
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Throwing up 5 times a day sounds rather severe. Why didn't she go inpatient?
The model of OA can be problematic because, unlike alcohol, it's impossible to abstain from food. In many people, the restriction that OA espouses just leads to MORE bingeing. I've heard it described like a bow and arrow - the harder and further back you pull that bowstring (restrict food), the further the arrow is going to fly (bingeing). Rinse and repeat, adding in huge doses of despair, self-blame, and shame.
This article explains more of what I'm talking about:
Why Overeater's Anonymous Doesn't Work - As featured in the November/December 2009 edition of The Therapist magazine (p. 71) - Articles about Eating Disorders and Treatment| Sheira Kahn, MFT
With that said, her behavior sounds really off. Something more seems to be going on here, and I agree that more will be revealed.
The model of OA can be problematic because, unlike alcohol, it's impossible to abstain from food. In many people, the restriction that OA espouses just leads to MORE bingeing. I've heard it described like a bow and arrow - the harder and further back you pull that bowstring (restrict food), the further the arrow is going to fly (bingeing). Rinse and repeat, adding in huge doses of despair, self-blame, and shame.
This article explains more of what I'm talking about:
Why Overeater's Anonymous Doesn't Work - As featured in the November/December 2009 edition of The Therapist magazine (p. 71) - Articles about Eating Disorders and Treatment| Sheira Kahn, MFT
With that said, her behavior sounds really off. Something more seems to be going on here, and I agree that more will be revealed.
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Originally Posted by TropicalWinter
Throwing up 5 times a day sounds rather severe. Why didn't she go inpatient?
The model of OA can be problematic because, unlike alcohol, it's impossible to abstain from food. In many people, the restriction that OA espouses just leads to MORE bingeing. I've heard it described like a bow and arrow - the harder and further back you pull that bowstring (restrict food), the further the arrow is going to fly (bingeing). Rinse and repeat, adding in huge doses of despair, self-blame, and shame.
This article explains more of what I'm talking about:
Why Overeater's Anonymous Doesn't Work - As featured in the November/December 2009 edition of The Therapist magazine (p. 71) - Articles about Eating Disorders and Treatment| Sheira Kahn, MFT
With that said, her behavior sounds really off. Something more seems to be going on here, and I agree that more will be revealed.
The model of OA can be problematic because, unlike alcohol, it's impossible to abstain from food. In many people, the restriction that OA espouses just leads to MORE bingeing. I've heard it described like a bow and arrow - the harder and further back you pull that bowstring (restrict food), the further the arrow is going to fly (bingeing). Rinse and repeat, adding in huge doses of despair, self-blame, and shame.
This article explains more of what I'm talking about:
Why Overeater's Anonymous Doesn't Work - As featured in the November/December 2009 edition of The Therapist magazine (p. 71) - Articles about Eating Disorders and Treatment| Sheira Kahn, MFT
With that said, her behavior sounds really off. Something more seems to be going on here, and I agree that more will be revealed.
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Kbagel.....I have no problem, from my point of view, in your showing/telling her how she is hurting you...or, asking her specifically why she is "no longer in love with you and wants a divorce".....
I think tha is just common sense for any one who is faced with this sudden and drastic change of heart and behaviors. It is like the first logical thing to do if an appliance does't work--check to see if it is plugged in. or not....or, "jiggle the handle" when the toilet isn't filling properly.....
Should be done...but, that doesn't mean that those actions will absolutely give you the answer the dilemma of why they aren't working....they are just the first, simplest actions MIGHT resolve the problem.....the first thing on the check list to do.
I think you might h ave done those, already...? Has she seen you cry? Have you a sked her why the sudden change of heart and the obsessive behaviors?
I think that the, maybe, well meaning people, are supposing that she would respond reasonably to this. We know, that addicts don't always react reasonably to the efforts of those close to them.
I am thinking that she may be so "high" on the relationsip with this other person...whatever it is, that she isn't motivated to look at the reality of your relationship with her, right now. Just another way of running away from personal responsibility ...
This leaves you with the option of dealing with her at face value.....
You can plead and cry until the cows come home...but, if she is determined to turn away, then, she has free w ill and you can't force her to care and do what you want....
I hope you are going to get in front of the lawyer, very soon....as well as mak e a plan of your own action. I don't know...but, maybe it would be good for the immediate, if she were to move out in separation....so that she can wo rk on her recovery, in her own space...and, leave you the space to work on whatever is in your best welfare....
I totally get that you want answers....who wouldn't!? You could even write her a letter detailing how you are hurting, to her....I don't know that it would be any help...probably not...but, it probably wouldn't hurt , either. That way it would shut up the people who are telling you to "fight for your marriage". I sure don' think that waiting around for a long time, being her personal door mat is in your best interest, though.....In the end, she is going to do what she is going to do...
these are my thoughts that I am submitting for your consideration....
I think tha is just common sense for any one who is faced with this sudden and drastic change of heart and behaviors. It is like the first logical thing to do if an appliance does't work--check to see if it is plugged in. or not....or, "jiggle the handle" when the toilet isn't filling properly.....
Should be done...but, that doesn't mean that those actions will absolutely give you the answer the dilemma of why they aren't working....they are just the first, simplest actions MIGHT resolve the problem.....the first thing on the check list to do.
I think you might h ave done those, already...? Has she seen you cry? Have you a sked her why the sudden change of heart and the obsessive behaviors?
I think that the, maybe, well meaning people, are supposing that she would respond reasonably to this. We know, that addicts don't always react reasonably to the efforts of those close to them.
I am thinking that she may be so "high" on the relationsip with this other person...whatever it is, that she isn't motivated to look at the reality of your relationship with her, right now. Just another way of running away from personal responsibility ...
This leaves you with the option of dealing with her at face value.....
You can plead and cry until the cows come home...but, if she is determined to turn away, then, she has free w ill and you can't force her to care and do what you want....
I hope you are going to get in front of the lawyer, very soon....as well as mak e a plan of your own action. I don't know...but, maybe it would be good for the immediate, if she were to move out in separation....so that she can wo rk on her recovery, in her own space...and, leave you the space to work on whatever is in your best welfare....
I totally get that you want answers....who wouldn't!? You could even write her a letter detailing how you are hurting, to her....I don't know that it would be any help...probably not...but, it probably wouldn't hurt , either. That way it would shut up the people who are telling you to "fight for your marriage". I sure don' think that waiting around for a long time, being her personal door mat is in your best interest, though.....In the end, she is going to do what she is going to do...
these are my thoughts that I am submitting for your consideration....
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Originally Posted by Kbagel199
Thank you for the article. Her therapist brought up inpatient but my wife gets regular blood work done and it's always normal. Slight deficiencies like vitamin D but she supplements. There was never any medical reason for her to go to inpatient...according to her doctor and therapist. She claims the 12 step program has been the only thing that has ever helped her overcome her purging but what it did to her mentally is unfathomable. It's like she had a complete chemical flip in her brain.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
Please know it's not the 12 step program that did this to her. The 12 step program makes us all recovered, mind body spirit. It sounds like this is being done by an extremely controlling, manipulative, ego-driven unhealthy sponsor who's telling her what to do and say because she's getting off on having power over her. That's not what sponsorship's supposed to be about.
I hope your wife snaps out of this soon and wakes up to what she's doing. How she's behaving and treating you is definitely not in the spirit of a 12 step program.
From what I've read about purging and bulimia, a person can die from tears in the esophagus because of all the acid that's coming up from the stomach, or from an electrolyte imbalance. Do you know for a fact she's been honest with her therapist and medical professionals about the number of times she's purging per day?
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Originally Posted by dandylion
Kbagel.....I have no problem, from my point of view, in your showing/telling her how she is hurting you...or, asking her specifically why she is "no longer in love with you and wants a divorce".....
I think tha is just common sense for any one who is faced with this sudden and drastic change of heart and behaviors. It is like the first logical thing to do if an appliance does't work--check to see if it is plugged in. or not....or, "jiggle the handle" when the toilet isn't filling properly.....
Should be done...but, that doesn't mean that those actions will absolutely give you the answer the dilemma of why they aren't working....they are just the first, simplest actions MIGHT resolve the problem.....the first thing on the check list to do.
I think you might h ave done those, already...? Has she seen you cry? Have you a sked her why the sudden change of heart and the obsessive behaviors?
I think that the, maybe, well meaning people, are supposing that she would respond reasonably to this. We know, that addicts don't always react reasonably to the efforts of those close to them.
I am thinking that she may be so "high" on the relationsip with this other person...whatever it is, that she isn't motivated to look at the reality of your relationship with her, right now. Just another way of running away from personal responsibility ...
This leaves you with the option of dealing with her at face value.....
You can plead and cry until the cows come home...but, if she is determined to turn away, then, she has free w ill and you can't force her to care and do what you want....
I hope you are going to get in front of the lawyer, very soon....as well as mak e a plan of your own action. I don't know...but, maybe it would be good for the immediate, if she were to move out in separation....so that she can wo rk on her recovery, in her own space...and, leave you the space to work on whatever is in your best welfare....
I totally get that you want answers....who wouldn't!? You could even write her a letter detailing how you are hurting, to her....I don't know that it would be any help...probably not...but, it probably wouldn't hurt , either. That way it would shut up the people who are telling you to "fight for your marriage". I sure don' think that waiting around for a long time, being her personal door mat is in your best interest, though.....In the end, she is going to do what she is going to do...
these are my thoughts that I am submitting for your consideration....
I think tha is just common sense for any one who is faced with this sudden and drastic change of heart and behaviors. It is like the first logical thing to do if an appliance does't work--check to see if it is plugged in. or not....or, "jiggle the handle" when the toilet isn't filling properly.....
Should be done...but, that doesn't mean that those actions will absolutely give you the answer the dilemma of why they aren't working....they are just the first, simplest actions MIGHT resolve the problem.....the first thing on the check list to do.
I think you might h ave done those, already...? Has she seen you cry? Have you a sked her why the sudden change of heart and the obsessive behaviors?
I think that the, maybe, well meaning people, are supposing that she would respond reasonably to this. We know, that addicts don't always react reasonably to the efforts of those close to them.
I am thinking that she may be so "high" on the relationsip with this other person...whatever it is, that she isn't motivated to look at the reality of your relationship with her, right now. Just another way of running away from personal responsibility ...
This leaves you with the option of dealing with her at face value.....
You can plead and cry until the cows come home...but, if she is determined to turn away, then, she has free w ill and you can't force her to care and do what you want....
I hope you are going to get in front of the lawyer, very soon....as well as mak e a plan of your own action. I don't know...but, maybe it would be good for the immediate, if she were to move out in separation....so that she can wo rk on her recovery, in her own space...and, leave you the space to work on whatever is in your best welfare....
I totally get that you want answers....who wouldn't!? You could even write her a letter detailing how you are hurting, to her....I don't know that it would be any help...probably not...but, it probably wouldn't hurt , either. That way it would shut up the people who are telling you to "fight for your marriage". I sure don' think that waiting around for a long time, being her personal door mat is in your best interest, though.....In the end, she is going to do what she is going to do...
these are my thoughts that I am submitting for your consideration....
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