If I can't be a good example
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
If I can't be a good example
I can serve as a warning. Just a heads up to all you who are thinking of divorcing your alcoholic spouses. Do not do as I did by expecting them to be reasonable and do as they promised. I am in a bad situation now as things my exah has done behind my back, whilst in a supposed alcoholic coma, have come to light.
Get everything in writing done by a lawyer...don't imagine for one minute they have done things correctly even when you do. Always check. I found out yesterday my son is still under the guardianship of my exah even tho his care was signed over to me in 2015. As things stand I cannot do anything without exah permission and as he is incommunicardo and has been for 2 years it is making life very difficult. My son needs a benefit to get him support for his autism in college and we are stuck until this is resolved as only exah can fill in the paperwork. The paperwork was sent to him weeks ago but he hasn't even acknowledged he got it. He's missed this year semester cos of this.
Exah spent their trust fund. All of it. They have nothing now. It was perfectly legal for him to withdraw it. I never imagined he would..more fool me.
Am trying to get us a better life but money is so tight I can't afford the rent while am at university. If I stop uni it is paid by welfare. Exah got our marital home, I got all the debt. He did this by flatly refusing to be reasonable and wasting equity in the house on legal fees arguing in court. The judge said one of us had to back down and it was never going to be him. Since he got the house he has downsized twice in 2 years to get equity out to drink. He's selling again.
I was going to buy the boys a house in their names with the trust fund as that is what they wanted. We even started looking until I found out the money has gone. I actually hate exah now. He's a selfish waste of space. Do not end up like us.
Get everything in writing done by a lawyer...don't imagine for one minute they have done things correctly even when you do. Always check. I found out yesterday my son is still under the guardianship of my exah even tho his care was signed over to me in 2015. As things stand I cannot do anything without exah permission and as he is incommunicardo and has been for 2 years it is making life very difficult. My son needs a benefit to get him support for his autism in college and we are stuck until this is resolved as only exah can fill in the paperwork. The paperwork was sent to him weeks ago but he hasn't even acknowledged he got it. He's missed this year semester cos of this.
Exah spent their trust fund. All of it. They have nothing now. It was perfectly legal for him to withdraw it. I never imagined he would..more fool me.
Am trying to get us a better life but money is so tight I can't afford the rent while am at university. If I stop uni it is paid by welfare. Exah got our marital home, I got all the debt. He did this by flatly refusing to be reasonable and wasting equity in the house on legal fees arguing in court. The judge said one of us had to back down and it was never going to be him. Since he got the house he has downsized twice in 2 years to get equity out to drink. He's selling again.
I was going to buy the boys a house in their names with the trust fund as that is what they wanted. We even started looking until I found out the money has gone. I actually hate exah now. He's a selfish waste of space. Do not end up like us.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Ladybird, the story you tell is appalling. What a miserable human being this man is, and how lucky your sons are to have you.
Thanks for the warning to others divorcing their As. You can't be too careful.
Thanks for the warning to others divorcing their As. You can't be too careful.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
How very sad this is for all of you. This is a good reminder for anyone living with or divorcing from an addict, find out your rights and keep yourself covered and, sadly, don't trust their word on what is, always check it yourself.
My prayers go out for you and your children. God bless you all.
My prayers go out for you and your children. God bless you all.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
So very sorry that your ex robbed his own children. Might there be some way to sue him on behave of the children and THEIR trust fund?
I am glad you shared your experience and hope that others venturing down the divorce from an A road will pay attention or at the very least a seed will be planted in their minds.
I am glad you shared your experience and hope that others venturing down the divorce from an A road will pay attention or at the very least a seed will be planted in their minds.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
I agree with Atalose! Talk to an attorney - again. Or do you have an attorney friend willing to write a letter for you threatening legal action? I know this must be exhausting for you. My divorce became final recently and I'm still recovering, meanwhile trying to refinance, separate possessions, etc. I can't imagine dealing with something like this.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Oh, ladybird, I'm so very sorry all this has happened. How in the world could you EVER have imagined all this? It is simply unbelievable, stunning...one would never think, in their wildest dreams, that a person could act like your XAH has.
I wish you strength, patience and clarity. The forces of Right must surely be on your side, and I hope justice is done sooner rather than later.
I wish you strength, patience and clarity. The forces of Right must surely be on your side, and I hope justice is done sooner rather than later.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I have not read all the responses but I just want to second what you said. Lawyer UP when divorcing an alcoholic, especially one whom you know has a temper, can be prone to manipulation, etc.
My XAH recently pulled a stunt on me that put me in the hole last month after promising to help with a car repair for our son. I've been out almost 3 years now and I'm still dealing with his lies and financial games. I am nearly broke now because he refused to pay for so many things that I picked up cost wise for our son. I didn't have it put in the divorce decree because he was being amiable during the process (for the most part) and I just wanted it done quickly. We used a mediator and basically, I gave up too much. I should have fought harder.
But, here's the blessing to all of this: I'm not married to him anymore. I don't have to sit there and watch him drink himself into a coma every other night now. I don't have to listen to his tirades or his racist rants every night. I can have peace, even if I have no money!
My XAH recently pulled a stunt on me that put me in the hole last month after promising to help with a car repair for our son. I've been out almost 3 years now and I'm still dealing with his lies and financial games. I am nearly broke now because he refused to pay for so many things that I picked up cost wise for our son. I didn't have it put in the divorce decree because he was being amiable during the process (for the most part) and I just wanted it done quickly. We used a mediator and basically, I gave up too much. I should have fought harder.
But, here's the blessing to all of this: I'm not married to him anymore. I don't have to sit there and watch him drink himself into a coma every other night now. I don't have to listen to his tirades or his racist rants every night. I can have peace, even if I have no money!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Thank you for all your kind responses, I've learned the hard way. The money from the trust was the equivalent of one spouse emptying out a joint account..not very nice but perfectly legal as both children were under 18 when he did it and as far as he was concerned it was HIS money.. He's very calculated. If he had done it after their 18th birthday I could have contested it. He was also amicable throughout the divorce,well he would be he was getting his own way at every turn and where I live there is no legal aid to fight any issues that arise. I felt like I needed to fight harder but had no means to do it and at the time was hampered by 4 out of 8 of my adult kids causing umpteen problems to the process. Which they now bitterly regret cos they have worked out too late they backed the wrong horse. My whole aim was to keep the marital home which I'd bought prior to the marriage for the boys and the only way to do that was to let him have them to live in it with him cos he flately refused to move out but of course that went wrong within weeks cos he was too drunk to care for them and my daughter took over and then they came to live with me in a rented flat. By that time he had the house in his name and he wasn't giving it up for anything. He sold it weeks later, and has moved several times since.
Am glad he out our lives ( peace is worth millions) but the financial fall out will live with me for the rest of my life. Am nearly 57, disabled and after university, if I can afford to carry on, will be living on a very low income. Am too old for a mortgage so will end my days in rentals. I think the worst thing was exah knew by taking the money he was going to take our very disabled son's security away. He needed a secure home but that isn't happening now. My only hope is exah dies sooner rather then later while he still has property and he has actually left it to them, not his drinking buddies.
Am glad he out our lives ( peace is worth millions) but the financial fall out will live with me for the rest of my life. Am nearly 57, disabled and after university, if I can afford to carry on, will be living on a very low income. Am too old for a mortgage so will end my days in rentals. I think the worst thing was exah knew by taking the money he was going to take our very disabled son's security away. He needed a secure home but that isn't happening now. My only hope is exah dies sooner rather then later while he still has property and he has actually left it to them, not his drinking buddies.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Ugh. It just turns my stomach to read it. I am so so sorry friend.
I too gave way too much in my divorce just in the hopes of getting it done, and getting it done quickly. My XAH pays he meager child support and not a dime else for anything. I could be getting half of all their expenses but he and his wife are such devils to deal with that I don't feel the emotional fall out is worth it.
However, I am not married to him and don't have to deal with him on the same level anymore, which is such relief.
I send you HUGE hugs.
I too gave way too much in my divorce just in the hopes of getting it done, and getting it done quickly. My XAH pays he meager child support and not a dime else for anything. I could be getting half of all their expenses but he and his wife are such devils to deal with that I don't feel the emotional fall out is worth it.
However, I am not married to him and don't have to deal with him on the same level anymore, which is such relief.
I send you HUGE hugs.
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