Processing a traumatic event...
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Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 284
Processing a traumatic event...
A year ago tomorrow, I left for a 2-day work trip. My AH had been sober almost 6 months (after going to rehab) and he was going to take care of our 8 month old child. Eight hours after I left home, I called to check in ( 8:30 pm) and after a few failed attempts (no one answered), he finally answered slurring into the phone until he passed out while the phone was still connected......
The moments, minutes, seconds of that experience will be forever burned into my brain. The helplessness of knowing my 8 month old was in danger and I was hours away. I was literally out of my mind
I remember so vividly calling my parents and sister telling them they had to go get the baby, which they did, and they found the baby crying by itself in its crib! god that thought brings me to my knees.
I remember knowing in my belly that this was it. The final straw. I had endured many nights of his drinking but there were no second chances with our child.
The events that immediately followed this night were also horrific and I've spent a year trying to protect my child from and divorce this person. A YEAR! Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and others a lifetime ago.
September 26 - it's an awful date because of what happened but I am trying to re-frame my mindset to see that it was actually my liberation day.
Ironically - tomorrow we are in court....I pray that the legal proceedings will be over soon.
The moments, minutes, seconds of that experience will be forever burned into my brain. The helplessness of knowing my 8 month old was in danger and I was hours away. I was literally out of my mind
I remember so vividly calling my parents and sister telling them they had to go get the baby, which they did, and they found the baby crying by itself in its crib! god that thought brings me to my knees.
I remember knowing in my belly that this was it. The final straw. I had endured many nights of his drinking but there were no second chances with our child.
The events that immediately followed this night were also horrific and I've spent a year trying to protect my child from and divorce this person. A YEAR! Sometimes it feels like it was yesterday and others a lifetime ago.
September 26 - it's an awful date because of what happened but I am trying to re-frame my mindset to see that it was actually my liberation day.
Ironically - tomorrow we are in court....I pray that the legal proceedings will be over soon.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
That had to have been awfully scary for you being so far away. I think you do have the right mindset in viewing it as liberating you and your child from daily life with an alcoholic.
I wish you the best possible legal outcome.
I wish you the best possible legal outcome.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
I hear you about anniversaries and traumatic events. For me, tomorrow will be one year to the day that I got a message from ex's second wife saying that he had been placed on a locked psychiatric ward by police and could I please take Kid to stay with me?
I also have awful phone memories:
-the time last summer (2016) when I was five hours away and Kid was staying with her father. I went out for a walk. When I came back, there were texts and voice messages from Kid, three saying "mom help I need you", and one that just consisted of her crying. It was four hours before I could reach a responsible adult (ex's second wife's first husband, if that makes sense) and learn that the police had called to ex's house on a domestic dispute but that Kid and her stepsister were safe. It was a holiday weekend, so it was two days before I could get a flight back home.
-the time this spring (2017) when I came out of the grocery store, glanced at my phone, and saw five calls from "Unknown", plus a lot of calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I knew that "Unknown" probably meant emergency services. I had a voice message that began "This is Constable XYZ. There's been an incident at Kid's school involving an intoxicated man who says he is Kid's father ...". I called the police officer, confirmed that Kid was unhurt, and I remember overriding his explanations by saying "I am Kid's mother, I have ID to prove who I am, I am sober and I am on my way now". I got there and Kid was very unhappy but was safe outside with a staff member while ex was being kept in inside the school building by another officer.
These are horrible memories - but just this week after a long hard slog, I managed to obtain an arbitration award (equivalent to a court order) establishing that Kid's primary residence is with me, and that ex's (supervised and limited) access to Kid is contingent on him providing me with ongoing evidence that he is sober. So it is possible to protect our kids through the courts, it's just a heck of a lot of work.
I wish you all the best with your divorce proceeding - I am sure you will be able to obtain the legal protection that you're seeking. And reframing these awful experiences as "independence days" (or maybe "moment-of-clarity days") is a really good idea.
I also have awful phone memories:
-the time last summer (2016) when I was five hours away and Kid was staying with her father. I went out for a walk. When I came back, there were texts and voice messages from Kid, three saying "mom help I need you", and one that just consisted of her crying. It was four hours before I could reach a responsible adult (ex's second wife's first husband, if that makes sense) and learn that the police had called to ex's house on a domestic dispute but that Kid and her stepsister were safe. It was a holiday weekend, so it was two days before I could get a flight back home.
-the time this spring (2017) when I came out of the grocery store, glanced at my phone, and saw five calls from "Unknown", plus a lot of calls from numbers I didn't recognize. I knew that "Unknown" probably meant emergency services. I had a voice message that began "This is Constable XYZ. There's been an incident at Kid's school involving an intoxicated man who says he is Kid's father ...". I called the police officer, confirmed that Kid was unhurt, and I remember overriding his explanations by saying "I am Kid's mother, I have ID to prove who I am, I am sober and I am on my way now". I got there and Kid was very unhappy but was safe outside with a staff member while ex was being kept in inside the school building by another officer.
These are horrible memories - but just this week after a long hard slog, I managed to obtain an arbitration award (equivalent to a court order) establishing that Kid's primary residence is with me, and that ex's (supervised and limited) access to Kid is contingent on him providing me with ongoing evidence that he is sober. So it is possible to protect our kids through the courts, it's just a heck of a lot of work.
I wish you all the best with your divorce proceeding - I am sure you will be able to obtain the legal protection that you're seeking. And reframing these awful experiences as "independence days" (or maybe "moment-of-clarity days") is a really good idea.
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