i'm new here...husband is trying to "manage" his drinking
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
i'm new here...husband is trying to "manage" his drinking
I posted this on the wrong board, i think, just moments ago. I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon. Also ashamed as I was in the program re: my qualifier's (my dad) drinking, and now I have a new qualifier, my husband. His drinking never bothered me until 2 months before we were married. And I went through with it anyway. I loved him. I still do love him. I've heard horror stories about destructive, abusive alcoholics in my Alanon meetings.
My husband is one of the most gentle, tender, loving, helpful people I've ever known. Never violent in action or word, always wanting to give me a cuddle. Sadly, he doesn't know that I'm planning on moving out when he gets drunk again. I shoulds say "if" he gets drunk again, but he is trying to drink less w/ no program. He'll probably be really drunk really soon. I don't want to divorce him, but I can't get sober for him. And I don't think he hears me when I speak, and I don't want to nag, scold, or complain. I was in the tub & this thought came to me, "What is my intention when I speak to my husband?" The answer came, too: "I want to express love in a healthy way, and communicate honestly and respectfully."
I would come home from work (he's in by 5:30pm, I'm in by 6:30pm), and he's on his 5th or 6th Heineken. And he's just banging them down. He gulps one down and quickly opens the tab of another. He stinks of beer sometimes. I told him that his drinking bothers me. He told me that it's cultural (he's from Europe) and that Americans are always thinking people who drink are alcoholics. HA! That's an excuse if I ever heard one. Anyway, he's slowed it down to 2-3 Heinekens. I will say that. He doesn't do it every day, but it seemed to pick up recently.
One day I came in to work and this guy was tellling everyone how drunk my husband was. It was so embarrassing. There's a local bar and my co-worker was there as was my husband. He was stumbling drunk with slurred speech and telling a "funny story" of how he sprained his wrist while camping. He was sloppy drunk and climbed a tree, then fell out of it. It's funny when you think about it, but he was really high up & it was such an idiotic thing to do. If he hadn't been drunk so many times in the past maybe I, too, would've found it funny. Anyway I was frozen and mortified as this guy rattled on the details. I should've said I'd heard enough, but I didn't.
Just when I thought that day couldn't get any worse, he came into another office where I was and told a FRESH set of people more stuff about my husbands gross intoxication and how he rode his bike home afterward. I remember thinking he'd been hit by a car that night because there was a terrible crash outside of our apartment. He'd driven drunk before so it wouldn't have been weird for him to be in an accident.
I was so embarrassed, sad, angry (take your pick) that when I spoke to my husband I was screaming and hysterical. Sobbing and telling him to keep his drunkenness out of my career. No one EVER had anything bad to say or know about me until that day. Of course it was not that guy's place to gossip about my husband, and of course it wasn't my husband's fault if people think bad of me based on HIS drunken behavior...but I was just so upset. I had an "Alanon slip." I told him he was an alcoholic and he needed to go to an AA meeting CONSISTENTLY and as soon as possible.
He was so "sorry" about my being in hysterics that he said he'd go. He apologized, but said that guy had no business gossipping. It's true, he shouldn't have gossipped, and I've got to learn to say, "Ouch, that hurts and I'm not enjoying this conversation, please stop." He's so dead against AA, but he went to a meeting to "shut me up," I guess because he never went again. Said he didn't belong there. That's what I get for trying to force a solution. People are ready when they are ready and not a moment before. Well, like I said, he's slowed himself down, but as you know...he can't stop. And for all this slowing down, last Friday he got disgustingly drunk & couldn't remember a lot. That scares me.
Anyway, I've been working on things like being punctual. I'm always late for my husband and everything else. I've also been focusing on being a better cook and a better wife...trying to look at anything but what I consider to be his "flaws." I'm also working at taking a deeper interest in him. And I'm trying to be committed to an exercise routine. And journalling, I do that all the time now.
Yesterday, we went to a couple's house (friends of ours) & my husband told his friend that he's been feeling guilty ever since his drunken bout on Friday, then my husband told me what he'd confessed to his friend. His friend suggested he get a hobby and stop acting like a single idiot. My husband told me that he was bored and knows that if he gets a hobby he will stop plopping in front of the TV and getting buzzed or drunk. My sweet love, he just does not understand and is in complete denial. My truest love. I must sound like such a sap, but we really are very much in love and it hurts to watch him go through this and fight getting help. He believes in "sucking it up" and handling one's problems without anyone else getting involved.
I'm happy he has guilt as I didn't think he cared at all; however, I have just made arrangements moments ago to live with a girlfriend when he gets drunk again. My husband doesn't know. I was going to tell him, but felt like I'd be threatening him or trying to manage his drinking. But I don't want him to be suddenly hit with a wife who's gone. I was going to leave a note because i'm so madly in love with him, but i just don't know. PLEASE! i welcome all encouragement, experience, strength, and hope. i'm a newlywed, and don't want to jump ship. but i do want to take care of me and not enable him. i've said all i can say. and when he's deep in his drinking he doesn't hear me, even when he hasn't been drinking.
My husband is one of the most gentle, tender, loving, helpful people I've ever known. Never violent in action or word, always wanting to give me a cuddle. Sadly, he doesn't know that I'm planning on moving out when he gets drunk again. I shoulds say "if" he gets drunk again, but he is trying to drink less w/ no program. He'll probably be really drunk really soon. I don't want to divorce him, but I can't get sober for him. And I don't think he hears me when I speak, and I don't want to nag, scold, or complain. I was in the tub & this thought came to me, "What is my intention when I speak to my husband?" The answer came, too: "I want to express love in a healthy way, and communicate honestly and respectfully."
I would come home from work (he's in by 5:30pm, I'm in by 6:30pm), and he's on his 5th or 6th Heineken. And he's just banging them down. He gulps one down and quickly opens the tab of another. He stinks of beer sometimes. I told him that his drinking bothers me. He told me that it's cultural (he's from Europe) and that Americans are always thinking people who drink are alcoholics. HA! That's an excuse if I ever heard one. Anyway, he's slowed it down to 2-3 Heinekens. I will say that. He doesn't do it every day, but it seemed to pick up recently.
One day I came in to work and this guy was tellling everyone how drunk my husband was. It was so embarrassing. There's a local bar and my co-worker was there as was my husband. He was stumbling drunk with slurred speech and telling a "funny story" of how he sprained his wrist while camping. He was sloppy drunk and climbed a tree, then fell out of it. It's funny when you think about it, but he was really high up & it was such an idiotic thing to do. If he hadn't been drunk so many times in the past maybe I, too, would've found it funny. Anyway I was frozen and mortified as this guy rattled on the details. I should've said I'd heard enough, but I didn't.
Just when I thought that day couldn't get any worse, he came into another office where I was and told a FRESH set of people more stuff about my husbands gross intoxication and how he rode his bike home afterward. I remember thinking he'd been hit by a car that night because there was a terrible crash outside of our apartment. He'd driven drunk before so it wouldn't have been weird for him to be in an accident.
I was so embarrassed, sad, angry (take your pick) that when I spoke to my husband I was screaming and hysterical. Sobbing and telling him to keep his drunkenness out of my career. No one EVER had anything bad to say or know about me until that day. Of course it was not that guy's place to gossip about my husband, and of course it wasn't my husband's fault if people think bad of me based on HIS drunken behavior...but I was just so upset. I had an "Alanon slip." I told him he was an alcoholic and he needed to go to an AA meeting CONSISTENTLY and as soon as possible.
He was so "sorry" about my being in hysterics that he said he'd go. He apologized, but said that guy had no business gossipping. It's true, he shouldn't have gossipped, and I've got to learn to say, "Ouch, that hurts and I'm not enjoying this conversation, please stop." He's so dead against AA, but he went to a meeting to "shut me up," I guess because he never went again. Said he didn't belong there. That's what I get for trying to force a solution. People are ready when they are ready and not a moment before. Well, like I said, he's slowed himself down, but as you know...he can't stop. And for all this slowing down, last Friday he got disgustingly drunk & couldn't remember a lot. That scares me.
Anyway, I've been working on things like being punctual. I'm always late for my husband and everything else. I've also been focusing on being a better cook and a better wife...trying to look at anything but what I consider to be his "flaws." I'm also working at taking a deeper interest in him. And I'm trying to be committed to an exercise routine. And journalling, I do that all the time now.
Yesterday, we went to a couple's house (friends of ours) & my husband told his friend that he's been feeling guilty ever since his drunken bout on Friday, then my husband told me what he'd confessed to his friend. His friend suggested he get a hobby and stop acting like a single idiot. My husband told me that he was bored and knows that if he gets a hobby he will stop plopping in front of the TV and getting buzzed or drunk. My sweet love, he just does not understand and is in complete denial. My truest love. I must sound like such a sap, but we really are very much in love and it hurts to watch him go through this and fight getting help. He believes in "sucking it up" and handling one's problems without anyone else getting involved.
I'm happy he has guilt as I didn't think he cared at all; however, I have just made arrangements moments ago to live with a girlfriend when he gets drunk again. My husband doesn't know. I was going to tell him, but felt like I'd be threatening him or trying to manage his drinking. But I don't want him to be suddenly hit with a wife who's gone. I was going to leave a note because i'm so madly in love with him, but i just don't know. PLEASE! i welcome all encouragement, experience, strength, and hope. i'm a newlywed, and don't want to jump ship. but i do want to take care of me and not enable him. i've said all i can say. and when he's deep in his drinking he doesn't hear me, even when he hasn't been drinking.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: ROCKPORT , MAINE
Posts: 36
HELLO & WELCOME -
I wish I had more time right now...to tell you all the things I can relate to....
YOu can read some of my previous posts...they might help
Until next time..hang in there.
THhs is a safe place & you will gain alot of insight & wisdom & support.
I wish I had more time right now...to tell you all the things I can relate to....
YOu can read some of my previous posts...they might help
Until next time..hang in there.
THhs is a safe place & you will gain alot of insight & wisdom & support.
thank you! so relieved someone responded! Wedge4putt
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: MN
Posts: 7
Papagalo,
Speaking as an alcoholic myself, I know first that the chemical changes the way think, how you process things, and how you deal with pain. Your husband most likely will drink again and for that he will know the consequences....your moving out. Sounds like the threats and arguments about drinking have reached an end and its time for you to look out for you. This disease is relentless and progressive. He has to get sober for himself but you can choose not live with somone that doesn't want to recover. I have put my spouse in a similar situation and guess what....after a while I would test her threats with my drinking and when she didn't leave, and me experiencing the consequences i drank even more. I drank alone, and drank to get drunk, subconsioulsly was hoping something would happen. Finally she had enough and my brother with 28 years of sobriety did an intervention and I am 7 weeks sober today. More focused. Who have chioices in life, some are easy and some very difficult. I wish you the best. Peas
Speaking as an alcoholic myself, I know first that the chemical changes the way think, how you process things, and how you deal with pain. Your husband most likely will drink again and for that he will know the consequences....your moving out. Sounds like the threats and arguments about drinking have reached an end and its time for you to look out for you. This disease is relentless and progressive. He has to get sober for himself but you can choose not live with somone that doesn't want to recover. I have put my spouse in a similar situation and guess what....after a while I would test her threats with my drinking and when she didn't leave, and me experiencing the consequences i drank even more. I drank alone, and drank to get drunk, subconsioulsly was hoping something would happen. Finally she had enough and my brother with 28 years of sobriety did an intervention and I am 7 weeks sober today. More focused. Who have chioices in life, some are easy and some very difficult. I wish you the best. Peas
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Papagalo,
I've read so many posts in the last 6 months and have decided that all of these alcoholics are really in fact, dynamic, loving and caring people. We've been blessed to see them at their best and that is usually our first impression. That's what makes us fall in love.
Then the damned disease shows it ugly face. What a lousy curse.
If I were in your situation about your co-worker, I'd take them aside and inform them that your business is none of theirs and you would appreciate it if they didn't feel the need to spread rumors and stories
.
Slow down and take stock of what you're doing to satisfy him and hopefully, make him stop drinking. Cooking better, being punctual,...With the A, you need to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy. The more you do for him, the more he'll expect and he'll still find problems with "you". If he doesn't want to go to AA, that's his problem. You'll never be able to force him into rehab or AA.
Continue with your meetings and do things that please you. Not him. You are one smart cookie. You know and understand that without help, you can't grow and get well. You understand denial. You've worked your program well. Congrats.
Blessings, Kathy
I've read so many posts in the last 6 months and have decided that all of these alcoholics are really in fact, dynamic, loving and caring people. We've been blessed to see them at their best and that is usually our first impression. That's what makes us fall in love.
Then the damned disease shows it ugly face. What a lousy curse.
If I were in your situation about your co-worker, I'd take them aside and inform them that your business is none of theirs and you would appreciate it if they didn't feel the need to spread rumors and stories
. Slow down and take stock of what you're doing to satisfy him and hopefully, make him stop drinking. Cooking better, being punctual,...With the A, you need to focus on yourself and do what makes you happy. The more you do for him, the more he'll expect and he'll still find problems with "you". If he doesn't want to go to AA, that's his problem. You'll never be able to force him into rehab or AA.
Continue with your meetings and do things that please you. Not him. You are one smart cookie. You know and understand that without help, you can't grow and get well. You understand denial. You've worked your program well. Congrats.
Blessings, Kathy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 46
Do you feel like you can talk to him about his drinking while he is SOBER? 'Cuz it's a sure bet you won't get anywhere with him while he's drinking. Maybe you could tell him that you have chosen to set up some boundaries that you will follow should he choose to drink again. Since you already have decided that you will leave when he drinks again, you have a place to go. You really will have to stick with it and leave then. Maybe you could ask him to show you that he has stopped/gotten help, whatever it is you've decided you want him to do, before you will consider coming back.
I don't know if any of that will work for you, but it might be worth a shot. Even if he doesn't accept the boundaries you have established, you need to stick by them. They aren't for him, anyway, they're for you.
You will get lots of help from Al-Anon face to face meetings. And keep posting here. It's amazing how many people have hope and suggestions inspite of living with alcoholics. You'd think we'd all be nuts, but we aren't!
SJW
I don't know if any of that will work for you, but it might be worth a shot. Even if he doesn't accept the boundaries you have established, you need to stick by them. They aren't for him, anyway, they're for you.
You will get lots of help from Al-Anon face to face meetings. And keep posting here. It's amazing how many people have hope and suggestions inspite of living with alcoholics. You'd think we'd all be nuts, but we aren't!
SJW
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
TO WEDGE4PUTT:
You said, "This disease is relentless and progressive. He has to get sober for himself but you can choose not live with somone that doesn't want to recover."
This is why I get so scared, because I know it doesn't get better, but worse & I have to take care of ME. And the craziest part is he wants to be able to drink one beer at a social gathering or at home. He's from the UK and said Americans are very quick to "make someone an alcoholic" who drinks more than them. I already know that's a pile of crap. I know he wants to drink LESS (HIS version of recovery).
I've only been married just over a year so I already feel humiliated. There are people who've been married for years. I would like to be married to my H for years, too. I can see that he's sick, but he cannot see. He's never hidden a drink or pretended. One quality people always see in him is that he's very straightforward & genuine.
Still, I see him NOT drinking the 2 tall Heineken cans left in the fridge. He wants to play cards, he cooks & cleans, he wants to find a hobby (he always wanted to build these custom-design tables)...ANYTHING but AA or counselling.
My sponsor was encouraging me saying that none of us have a place in interfering w/ whatever lesson HP is teaching someone. Maybe getting a hobby or building a table will help my AH reach his bottom when he sees that it doesn't stop his craving for alcohol??? I don't know. More will be revealed...
Until then, I'll try to do things to improve my mood & keep working on myself in terms of punctuality. I'm late for EVERYTHING & EVERYONE. I also have some phys. therapy exercises that I don't do consistently. I'd like to commit to them.
You said, "This disease is relentless and progressive. He has to get sober for himself but you can choose not live with somone that doesn't want to recover."
This is why I get so scared, because I know it doesn't get better, but worse & I have to take care of ME. And the craziest part is he wants to be able to drink one beer at a social gathering or at home. He's from the UK and said Americans are very quick to "make someone an alcoholic" who drinks more than them. I already know that's a pile of crap. I know he wants to drink LESS (HIS version of recovery).
I've only been married just over a year so I already feel humiliated. There are people who've been married for years. I would like to be married to my H for years, too. I can see that he's sick, but he cannot see. He's never hidden a drink or pretended. One quality people always see in him is that he's very straightforward & genuine.
Still, I see him NOT drinking the 2 tall Heineken cans left in the fridge. He wants to play cards, he cooks & cleans, he wants to find a hobby (he always wanted to build these custom-design tables)...ANYTHING but AA or counselling.
My sponsor was encouraging me saying that none of us have a place in interfering w/ whatever lesson HP is teaching someone. Maybe getting a hobby or building a table will help my AH reach his bottom when he sees that it doesn't stop his craving for alcohol??? I don't know. More will be revealed...
Until then, I'll try to do things to improve my mood & keep working on myself in terms of punctuality. I'm late for EVERYTHING & EVERYONE. I also have some phys. therapy exercises that I don't do consistently. I'd like to commit to them.
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
TO GELFLING:
Yes, i know what you mean about doing things for me and not him. I'm not innocent in this marriage. A particular project had me pretty much ABSENT for the first 8 months of our marriage. when i came home after hours of work (even on the weekend), he'd be on his 3rd or 4th beer. i know that it is NOT MY FAULT that he drank. he can blame it on me not being here or being bored, but i know it's deeper than that.
the thing is, i've been home more for a while now...and now i see what's been going on "while i've been gone." The truth is...it's been going on for longer than that, but now i'm seeing it full-fledged just how big of an issue it is.
as far as cooking more, yes, i'd like to be more wifey. i'd also like to be more frugal. my AH is great at saving money, i am not. i never balance my checkbook. my tardiness has been an issue long before i met my AH. i've hurt myself and friends w/ it and lost many an opportunity because of my lateness. so i'm just drinking this book in & doing the exercises to correct myself.
i need a meeting badly. i was out sick yesterday. maybe i can get to one today.
Yes, i know what you mean about doing things for me and not him. I'm not innocent in this marriage. A particular project had me pretty much ABSENT for the first 8 months of our marriage. when i came home after hours of work (even on the weekend), he'd be on his 3rd or 4th beer. i know that it is NOT MY FAULT that he drank. he can blame it on me not being here or being bored, but i know it's deeper than that.
the thing is, i've been home more for a while now...and now i see what's been going on "while i've been gone." The truth is...it's been going on for longer than that, but now i'm seeing it full-fledged just how big of an issue it is.
as far as cooking more, yes, i'd like to be more wifey. i'd also like to be more frugal. my AH is great at saving money, i am not. i never balance my checkbook. my tardiness has been an issue long before i met my AH. i've hurt myself and friends w/ it and lost many an opportunity because of my lateness. so i'm just drinking this book in & doing the exercises to correct myself.
i need a meeting badly. i was out sick yesterday. maybe i can get to one today.
papagalo
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: LOS ANGELES, CA
Posts: 16
ONE MORE THING GELFLING:
yes, i can talk to him when he's sober. i have learned now to never talk to him about anything deep when he's drinking. the most i'll say is "hello" or "i'm going to bed"--but then i feel cold, and i like it. i can admit that. i like being icy to him when he drinks. i like knowing that this is what he gets for continuing and not getting help. i don't want to get into long conversations w/ him when he's drunk, but at the same time i don't like the way i am when i see him pick up the can. because i know EVEN IF HE'S ONLY DRINKING 2 OR 3 it is making it worse.
i've decided that the next time he starts drinking i'm going out on my bike or to a meeting. he'll ask where i'm going, i'll tell him, and he'll know why. he'll get mad, and honestly, i won't care. it's so sad too because he is such a big sweet, cuddly cutie! it's so sad...
yes, i can talk to him when he's sober. i have learned now to never talk to him about anything deep when he's drinking. the most i'll say is "hello" or "i'm going to bed"--but then i feel cold, and i like it. i can admit that. i like being icy to him when he drinks. i like knowing that this is what he gets for continuing and not getting help. i don't want to get into long conversations w/ him when he's drunk, but at the same time i don't like the way i am when i see him pick up the can. because i know EVEN IF HE'S ONLY DRINKING 2 OR 3 it is making it worse.
i've decided that the next time he starts drinking i'm going out on my bike or to a meeting. he'll ask where i'm going, i'll tell him, and he'll know why. he'll get mad, and honestly, i won't care. it's so sad too because he is such a big sweet, cuddly cutie! it's so sad...
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