Advice for Adult Child
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 12
Advice for Adult Child
Hi I'm new here but have been reading for several months off and on.
My adult daughter has been in a relationship with an alcoholic for several years, but has just now given him notice to leave. I feel she denied, bargained, and all the other things until finally coming to the realization that this relationship will never be going anywhere.
She has no problem coming to and confiding in me or her father. We are both completely supportive, and understand the reality of the situation.
Her father grew up with 2 AP and I witnessed the damage it does. We both had attended ACOA meetings when we were my daughter's age.
Myself to deal with his existing issues, and himself well....
Anyway I've read all the books, been to therapy myself for various
issues, along with various forums over the years. I know the right thing to do, I've given advice as to the right thing to do. My problem lies with extended family urging her to stay with him and help him. That it's the right thing to do, that if you love someone you will stay to help them.
I don't believe this, never have not since I was in my 20's and didn't know better. I feel I have no support or anyone to talk to regarding this situation. I know she has a difficult road to extricate herself, they live together, tried to build a life together, but she KNOWS you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I wish I was so smart at her age.
My adult daughter has been in a relationship with an alcoholic for several years, but has just now given him notice to leave. I feel she denied, bargained, and all the other things until finally coming to the realization that this relationship will never be going anywhere.
She has no problem coming to and confiding in me or her father. We are both completely supportive, and understand the reality of the situation.
Her father grew up with 2 AP and I witnessed the damage it does. We both had attended ACOA meetings when we were my daughter's age.
Myself to deal with his existing issues, and himself well....
Anyway I've read all the books, been to therapy myself for various
issues, along with various forums over the years. I know the right thing to do, I've given advice as to the right thing to do. My problem lies with extended family urging her to stay with him and help him. That it's the right thing to do, that if you love someone you will stay to help them.
I don't believe this, never have not since I was in my 20's and didn't know better. I feel I have no support or anyone to talk to regarding this situation. I know she has a difficult road to extricate herself, they live together, tried to build a life together, but she KNOWS you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I wish I was so smart at her age.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
(((Hugs)))
So glad you're here. Keep posting. It's good to get these things out!
Send out a prayer to God/Universe/Mother Earth/Great Spirit and head on back to the meeting rooms... any 12 step rooms can help start the journey to same really good self-growth that in turn helps all our family members. It's truly a ripple effect that isn't taught as much as an osmosis effect.
There truly is a magical influence at work when any one member jumps into their own self-discovery of finding an "awakening". Let it begin with you.
So glad you're here. Keep posting. It's good to get these things out!
Send out a prayer to God/Universe/Mother Earth/Great Spirit and head on back to the meeting rooms... any 12 step rooms can help start the journey to same really good self-growth that in turn helps all our family members. It's truly a ripple effect that isn't taught as much as an osmosis effect.
There truly is a magical influence at work when any one member jumps into their own self-discovery of finding an "awakening". Let it begin with you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Welcome and glad you have been educating yourself about addiction. I personally would recommend her hitting some meetings or maybe a therapist. Most normal people have no idea the hxll us codies live with dealing with an addict. I know they mean well but you don't ask a waiter for a food recipe, you go right to the chef. These people have not walked in your daughters shoes and have no clue what she has been living with. ( and I am she probably hasn't been 100% truthful with you).
Support her in any way possible. I would recommend support from people who are educated in addiction, not from the local coffee shop. It takes time, but she sounds like she's got some good support from mom. Sending hugs to you!!
Support her in any way possible. I would recommend support from people who are educated in addiction, not from the local coffee shop. It takes time, but she sounds like she's got some good support from mom. Sending hugs to you!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 12
Truly feeling discouraged from reaching out here. Only one reply and I just really need to know I'm doing the right thing by telling her to walk. Walk before it's too late, and you have children, are married, have financial ties. I know the guilt I feel for "abandoning" him, but my first concern is for my daughter, other people feel it's selfish to cut ties.
They have been together for over 5 yrs, I know she had visions of marrying, starting a family, our entire family embraced him and his family, he was a great, caring guy. He still is but we now know there is something else to him we weren't aware of. He was already asked to get help a year ago. No action on that.
They have been together for over 5 yrs, I know she had visions of marrying, starting a family, our entire family embraced him and his family, he was a great, caring guy. He still is but we now know there is something else to him we weren't aware of. He was already asked to get help a year ago. No action on that.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 12
Thanks Maia! I guess I was in middle of post and ended up as a reply to you. Sorry. Yes therapy was suggested quite awhile ago for her. As well a s just recently with a referral. I truly immersed myself in this "community" 30 yrs ago with my ex-husband. You know trying to "fix" his childhood which would in turn "fix" our relationship. HAHA. I'm well versed but have been visiting this site to give myself a refresher, to make sure what I think I remember is correct. I'm sure I will be around til this is resolved and she is "off" to live again. I realize I can only advise based on experts and life experience. I cannot "make things up" to advise.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Tink.
Welcome.
Good support here.
Ach, it's hard to try to advise an adult child.
Sounds like she is coming to grips with his addiction and, hopefully, can find her way despite family urging her to stay and help.
We know how that goes.
Good luck and good thoughts.
Welcome.
Good support here.
Ach, it's hard to try to advise an adult child.
Sounds like she is coming to grips with his addiction and, hopefully, can find her way despite family urging her to stay and help.
We know how that goes.
Good luck and good thoughts.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 12
You are correct it is hard to advise an adult child. I remember informing her early on that I can only say so much, before I would alienate her. This is real work to stick to the "script" so to speak. I always make it known at the end of our conversations that I don't feel animosity towards him just towards the addiction. And really I don't. I'm well aware that the final break could escalate things and contemplate how I would handle that. I'm really not sure. I know I would offer shelter, whatever she needs, but as far as he is concerned..... I really dread mama bear having to kick in. I think I have handled it well so far, as to not making her defensive and protecting him, which as parents that's the nightmare.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by Tink50 
Hi I'm new here but have been reading for several months off and on.
My adult daughter has been in a relationship with an alcoholic for several years, but has just now given him notice to leave. I feel she denied, bargained, and all the other things until finally coming to the realization that this relationship will never be going anywhere.
She has no problem coming to and confiding in me or her father. We are both completely supportive, and understand the reality of the situation.
Her father grew up with 2 AP and I witnessed the damage it does. We both had attended ACOA meetings when we were my daughter's age.
Myself to deal with his existing issues, and himself well....
Anyway I've read all the books, been to therapy myself for various
issues, along with various forums over the years. I know the right thing to do, I've given advice as to the right thing to do. My problem lies with extended family urging her to stay with him and help him. That it's the right thing to do, that if you love someone you will stay to help them.
I don't believe this, never have not since I was in my 20's and didn't know better. I feel I have no support or anyone to talk to regarding this situation. I know she has a difficult road to extricate herself, they live together, tried to build a life together, but she KNOWS you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I wish I was so smart at her age.
My adult daughter has been in a relationship with an alcoholic for several years, but has just now given him notice to leave. I feel she denied, bargained, and all the other things until finally coming to the realization that this relationship will never be going anywhere.
She has no problem coming to and confiding in me or her father. We are both completely supportive, and understand the reality of the situation.
Her father grew up with 2 AP and I witnessed the damage it does. We both had attended ACOA meetings when we were my daughter's age.
Myself to deal with his existing issues, and himself well....
Anyway I've read all the books, been to therapy myself for various
issues, along with various forums over the years. I know the right thing to do, I've given advice as to the right thing to do. My problem lies with extended family urging her to stay with him and help him. That it's the right thing to do, that if you love someone you will stay to help them.
I don't believe this, never have not since I was in my 20's and didn't know better. I feel I have no support or anyone to talk to regarding this situation. I know she has a difficult road to extricate herself, they live together, tried to build a life together, but she KNOWS you can't help someone who won't help themselves. I wish I was so smart at her age.
Hi, Tink. I'll try to give my two cents about your situation.
I'm so very sorry that you're going through this. It surely looks like you love your daghter and you want nothing but the best for her. It probably is very hard for you to watch her suffer. She sounds like she's aware of the issue, so that's good.
I was once in her shoes, except that I didn't live with my ex, but he was an alcoholic, and I am an adult child of an alcoholic.
My mom, who has been married to an alcoholic for 29 years, is well aware of the horrors of it. So when she started to see that something wasn't quite right between my boyfriend and I, she pushed me to break up with him. And I did. The bad part is... I just wasn't ready. If I was going to break up with him, it needed to be done because I wanted it; not because my mom told me. It needed to be done because I got to be aware of the issues. I still had many doubts. I still felt like I loved him and like he was the love of my life. So I went back to him, but I never told my mom about it... And eventually the inevitable happened: I got hurt again. But this time around I was the one who decided to leave for good.
What I try to say is... I think she needs to do it when she's ready. Make sure to be there for her when that happens. I couldn't ask my mom for advice because I hid the relationship from her the last time I was with my ex. But it surely would have been helpful.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 34
I wouldn't worry to much about what other people are advising her, I know that is easier said than done. I went through the breakup process earlier this year and it really wasn't going to happen until I was ready I also had a lot of people saying I should stick it out those people weren't aware of the depth of his addiction or the horrors everyday life with him brought. No one did this disease is isolating like that. Eventually, you realize that they are going to self destruct and nothing can change that except them changing it, so you either go down with the boat or you decide to swim away. She will get there and that's when she will need you because leaving is one thing learning to cope after the storm is at times difficult. Trusting yourself again becomes difficult and it's a gamet of emotions. You are doing the right thing just keep the message focused that while she loves him and wishes he was better it's not something you can love someone and make them well he like all of us has to choose to be well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Tink,
I know you are worried about the family influence. I have been divorced a while and at the beginning of the year I finally cut contact with my own mother for over 6 months. My mother loved axh and every time we talked she would would bring him up. For years I told her to stop and that he was abusive to me. She just wouldn't stop. The no contact worked. We have started to mend our relationship this last couple of months and she is respecting my wishes.
Family does not always know what is best for us. We respect their opinion and make our best decision for ourselves. Be careful you don't over do it with your daughter, she needs to trust you and that you won't judge her on her decision. This is pain staking and she has to feel the immense pain to make it stick and to never let this happen to her again, hugs!!
I know you are worried about the family influence. I have been divorced a while and at the beginning of the year I finally cut contact with my own mother for over 6 months. My mother loved axh and every time we talked she would would bring him up. For years I told her to stop and that he was abusive to me. She just wouldn't stop. The no contact worked. We have started to mend our relationship this last couple of months and she is respecting my wishes.
Family does not always know what is best for us. We respect their opinion and make our best decision for ourselves. Be careful you don't over do it with your daughter, she needs to trust you and that you won't judge her on her decision. This is pain staking and she has to feel the immense pain to make it stick and to never let this happen to her again, hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 12
Thank you
First I'd like to thank all of you for your input. All of it has been helpful, and some has reminded me of the issues you struggle with leaving a bad relationship. It actually forced me to think about the emotional side and what must have been going on for her to finally come to her parents. Sadly I agree with the part of experiencing the pain is necessary, and oh it kills me. But it is necessary, you can't learn and grow if it doesn't happen in one form or another. I just hope it turns out ok, and take small comfort that she has for the most part supportive friends, and family behind her.
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