Feel Myself Caving...Need Support
 

Hello everyone,

I want to fill you in on what's happened since my last post. I told him on Tuesday that we were leaving and that initial conversation went really well. Well...later that night I got the full onslaught of his tears and unhappiness with us going. Then, Wednesday night he came up to the table with the entire family, sobbing, and telling us he's sorry for being a drunk, he loves us all, he understands why we want to leave, he doesn't want us to go, but he'll understand if we choose to but he wants us to think about it. Well....I've found myself wavering....AGAIN putting his feelings ahead of mine. One day I want to stay and another I want to leave. Today, I want to leave because since that night I've seen NO signs of him trying to get help or doing anything to start that process. The promise that he'll do something the next day never materialized. He's not drinking, but he's still on the couch sleeping during the day and we're still tiptoeing around the house. Our final meeting on the house is tonight where we walk through and sign the the lease. My stress level is back up and I'm feeling really anxious again. I really need to stick to my guns here, but the guilt is hitting me hard. I'm really sucked in here, aren't I?

Help?

Hugs!!!! The guilt kept me from doing the best thing for myself for a very long time. Do the right thing for yourself.

At times like these, sometimes my own words make the biggest impact. You posted this more than SEVEN YEARS AGO Becki:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...g-my-list.html

Or how about your first post here, around the same time?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...o-but-how.html

:grouphug:

You can always go back to it (him) if/when he recovers.

You deserve and need some time to recover and have a peaceful environment, right?

More will be revealed when you actually do spend some time in a serene environment and he is left to deal with his problem.

It's normal to have second thoughts, third and fourth thoughts. He still hasn't chosen any action.

And this is why I love you guys. I'm beating myself up for even wavering but I need to relax and understand that it's okay to have those thoughts. It's hard to know I'm hurting someone else, but I need to learn that it's not okay that I'm being hurt.

It's scaring me that I'm having doubts and I'm so afraid that I'm going to take the easy way out again and nothing changes. It's messed up that the easy way out is staying, isn't it? There's nothing easy about that.

Give yourself the gift of some space, my friend. Time and distance can do wonders for our perspective.

((((HUGS)))) Sending you support and prayers!

"I've seen NO signs of him trying to get help or doing anything to start that process. The promise that he'll do something the next day never materialized."

This is all you need to know.

Words are easy.

Actions are hard.

Save yourself, yes? If it helps, you are giving him an example of what that looks like. Maybe he'll get it, maybe he won't, but you will have your life back.

Sending you a hug.

Becki, Sounds like it's all talk. IME, even if he would stop drinking today, in four months he could choose to start drinking again. Getting back together has it's difficulties. How would you feel? What would you do? The merry go round will begin again, without a solid plan and a solid year from the qualifier.

Agree 10000%. Abf would always do this, break down crying and promise to change. My guilt would give in and I would give another chance. While he may not have a picked up a drink the very next day, he wasn't doing anything about the problem either. It's like nothing happened. If he truly was willing, I would have seen him in treatment that very next day. Being ACTIVE in fighting it, not just white knuckling and throwing you some crumbs that he will not drink today.

You are making the right choice. Nobody is saying it is forever, but you deserve some peace and serenity. It's not like you haven't offered it to him. You have. Many times. You just did and still he is choosing not to use it and that is HIS choice. Stay strong.

ha. Yeah, I'm the one who said, "You can always get back together."

He's not going to be able to maintain any kind of sobriety, I would bet.

For the record, the first alcoholic I got involved with was also physically abusive. I packed up and left while he was at work and never talked to him again. The second one I did the same thing. They had major control and entitlement issues.

The one I married - it was harder, he was basically kind and not abusive and just had a substance problem (among many problems) and I did go back to it a couple times because I felt sorry for him and because he was willing to go to therapy with me and we were married. I didn't need to do that - nothing really changed, it was all manipulation. Or something, I have no idea what.

I never remarried and that was over 30 years ago - BUT! I am really good at seeing red flags and I bolt at the first sign of abuse or addiction, and never talk to them again. Getting put in the hospital will do that for ya.

Becki, can I point out that it doesn't sound like he said a single thing about stopping. Just that he was sorry. And that he's sorry for being a drunk; not that he's sorry for his actions, not about how its affected you all. He didn't say anything about changing - or even trying to change.

All he did was pour on a guilt trip to the entire group sitting around the table. If he really accepted any part of his role in this, that is not what would have happened. What he did was essentially say "You're leaving. It's you. It's all your fault." Had it been anything other than a major attempt to guilt you into staying, it should have been more along the lines of "I understand that you will be leaving because of my [behavior drinking] and [impact to your lives]. I will figure this out."

We default to guilt - that's OUR sickness.

He hasn't changed anything - YOU have. Sending you courage, strength and PEACE with your decision!! (((HUGS)))) to you!

There's a big difference between "I feel terrible because you're leaving and I wish you wouldn't leave" and "I understand my part in your decision to leave and I am working on x, y and z to change it. I feel terrible about what I've done and I wish I could make it up to you, but I understand that I can't and you are leaving". It sounds like you're mainly hearing the first, not the second.

Of course he feels terrible and sorry and doesn't want you to go - but it's too late now. It sounds like he had seven years worth of chances, and didn't take them. He can't turn back time.

You're doing the right thing.

I'm sorry...he did say that he was going to try to tackle the problem with a two pronged approach...counseling and medication. Today, he did call and make an appointment with him family doctor. I told him even though he did that, I am nervous that I'll give up this house and things will stay the same. He again said that he understood that I need to do what I need to do and he did it for himself. He told me to do the same thing. So, I'm going to. I don't know why it's so important for him to be okay with it....but it made me feel better. One of these days, it won't matter who's okay with what except me! One step at a time. Oh....I made plans with my sisters to attend a CODA meeting on Sunday night. I'm looking forward to it.

Hi Becki,

Two things I've heard this summer that have really helped me are:

"Don't leave. You're perfect for me." means I put up with the alcoholic's crap.

And...

The emotional abuser will douse the house in gasoline (his lies, words, promises) and then tell me I'm the one holding the match... don't light the match (don't tell)... don't burn down the house (don't leave, don't ruin the great lies I have going)

From the other side of leaving and getting serious help for my own mental state after the trauma of living with an alcoholic and psychological abuse, once I ignored all my false feelings of guilt it felt really good to burn down the house of fake illusions!!

(((Hugs)))

Becki.....there is something that I often notice....that, the alcoholic will offer to go to "counseling" (and medication from a medical doctor) in order to satisfy others that are on their case about the drinking and unacceptable behaviors.....
I think that this is a maneuver to avoid directly addressing the drinking issue...
specifically to avoid AA or any program with the word "alcohol" in it.
I think that it is like a sort of "olive branch" to appease...and, it usually works, because the partner is so thrilled that they are making a move to do something that they accept this with renewed enthusiasm and hope.....
***Note that the counselor that they seek out, is often a generalist, and NOT a certified alcoholism counselor...Important difference. The alcoholic can often pull the wool over the eyes of a counselor or therapist who is not especially trained in addiction!
Now...I am not saying that there is anything wrong with seeing a counselor or therapist....in fact, it is a good thing...as long as they are attending an alcoholism program, also. In fact, there are, often co-occurring condistion, alon witht he alcoholim...like, depression, anxiety, ptsd, untreated ADHD, etc....
And, seeing a medical doctor and prescribed medication, where needed are all good things.....
As long as these things are not a slick move to avoid the core issue...that they can never drink, again, and need to work a vigorous program, like AA,....in order to make life changes...to change their thinking, attitude and behaviors, as they put down the bottle......

I'm just saying......

In my marriage, it took leaving and staying gone for me to start really healing. It took my husband quite some time after that before he found sobriety. We still aren't living together... I need more time, more healing space, and I'm now okay with saying that. When I left, I stopped giving warnings, I had everything I absolutely thought I needed packed in the car... and when the time came I got in the car with my son and we didn't go back.... until my husband stopped drinking for a short time. Repeat. And then I finally really realized I wanted more for myself and our son... and then I knew I was done pretending things could somehow be okay. The drinking is just a symptom of the disease. I was finally ready to do whatever it took to not live with him.

We now have a much better relationship, living and working in different cities.

I'm sorry if I missed that info in reading through the threads, Becki.

My experience with AXH and rehab is actually similar to what Dandy pointed out. When I finally filed for divorce, AXH had made it at least part-way through a 28- or 30-day program. (Though he was back a bit too early for 28 days.) And he quit the aftercare program to "attend AA instead."

The most telling statement from him was when he was asked why he wouldn't agree to testing in order to prove to the court, and to me, that he was actually clean and sober as part of his request to relax the supervision requirements on his visits with DS, "It's my problem. I don't want anyone else to have...I mean.... I've done everything everyone has asked me to do!" So effectively, the rehab and saying he was going to AA were all to get different people of his back. And he was actually POd that people kept asking that he keep maintaining sobriety.