SaveHer

On Monday, AXBF's mother filled me in on all of the wonderful things she and her husband are doing to "help" her son: allowing him to stay with them rather than moving out into "a bad situation," driving him around town to get his prescriptions filled (which includes valium), quitting drinking out of apparent solidarity, removing all of the alcohol from the house, agreeing to attend AA meetings with him, and paying off everything he owes the courts (and has owed for months if not years). It appears that his little stint in the hospital has garnered him a new wave of sympathy and the worst kind of enabling. I didn't know someone could manipulate even whilst incapacitated. He's a friggin magician!

I just want to grab his mother by the shoulders and shake some sense into her. You are an enabler! You are infantilizing him! You are doing more harm than good! As long as you continue bailing him out and treating him like a child, he will never learn to grow up and take responsibility! He will never be any kind of father to his daughter!

First thing this morning, she tells me: "I hate to break it to you but I won't be able to stay for the gym today. I have to take AXBF to his doctor's appointment. I can't believe how well he's doing! No drinking, no smoking." I just smiled. But inside my head, I was raging.

Of course he's doing well! He's wrapped up in your protective cocoon. He lives with you, pays no rent, eats your food, and gets rides from you everywhere. You're watching him 24/7! His job won't let him come back to work until he gets help for his alcoholism, so he has no money. Of course he's not drinking!

Ever since my mother broke her ankle, AXBF's mother has been my only source of child care. She watches our daughter while I work three days a week and so I can go to the gym on two of those same days. I am solely responsible for our daughter four days a week and three evening a week. The gym is currently the ONLY self care I am able to manage. Before she was born, I went to the gym five days a week; now, I've gone from four down to two. I need the endorphins for my stress level. And if anyone deserves a little extra support right now, it's me! And our daughter!

I am so unbelievably pissed off right now. Mommy has to take her 34-year-old son to the doctor because he is completely incapable of taking care of himself. He ruins everything for everyone! I really hate him right now. And I'm starting to resent the hell out of her for what she's doing, too. And I really hate the fact that there isn't a damn thing I can do about any of it.

hopeful4

You are right. There is NOTHING you can do. Nothing. She is a fully signed up member of the enablers club. And likely will be for a long time. It's not fair, it's wrong, it's tragic. However, you cannot control her anymore than you can control him.

So....you will have to move along like you are a single mom, and depend on he, and his family, for nothing. It sucks. There are times I am supposto be in three different places at once.

Here is what I have done. First off, reach out to your friends. When they say they want to help, they mean it. Take them up on it. My friend network has been a God send to me, and to them. We exchange responsibilities all the time. It's also been wonderful for my children to have these spare moms so to speak. They are my extended family.

Secondly, BE HONEST!! Don't hide what is going on. There are all sorts of ways to get help, and people don't know how to help you unless you are honest about it.

So you need the gym, but your mom's ankle is broken. Can you do something alternative while she heals? I cannot afford the gym (the single mom thing again), but I go to the park and walk/jog usually 4-5 times a week. Could you take your daughter w/you while doing that? I have met many nice people (and dogs) there, and have a great time. So, change up what you have to.

It gets overwhelming, but you will learn to deal. However, carrying around a bunch of anger over something you cannot control is toxic to YOU.

Gentle hugs.

SmallButMighty

Your xMIL sounds almost exactly like my mother. I've given up trying to explain to her that her codependence to my extremely sick brother only helps to keep him sick. She wont hear it... her response to such efforts were; " HE IS MY CHIIIILD!!!!!!"..... (43 year old baby boy)

I've washed my hands of that situation. Not my circus, not my monkeys, and I'm not gonna stand anywhere near the poop flinging because I'm done getting hit with that **** !

I understand that you love going to the gym, but I agree with hopeful, you may need to seek an alternative fitness routine. I see many mamas pushing strollers getting their sweat on.

I also understand that as a single mother you cherish getting that time away for yourself. Maybe there is a childminding swap type thing set up at your gym among other moms?

You are doing great. Keep up the good fight!

Maudcat

I sympathize and empathize, SaveHer. My mother enables my alcohol addict sib, too.
All I can tell you is that she won't change, and likely, neither will he.
The enmeshed, enabling dynamic is embedded in them.
I wish you weren't dependent upon her for some child care.
I think that you would benefit from less contact with her, and, by extension, her son.
My opinion only.
From your post, she sounds a bit passive aggressive toward you as well.
Sigh.
Good luck.

NYCDoglvr

This is what can happen with enabling. My sponsor's active alcoholic sister was taken care of by her mother all her life. Mother died, daughter is homeless. She never had to pay rent or support herself, when she may have been forced to get sober, she lives on the sidewalk in New York City.

FireSprite

How old is your daughter? Too young for childcare at the gym? You are absolutely right to be irritated, I'm just wondering if there's a way to rely even less on your in-laws for something so important to your self-care. (even if it means switching gyms)

SaveHer

I just got home from work and AXBF’s mother had the audacity to ask me if I would reconsider the court-ordered supervised visitation and instead allow her to supervise AXBF’s visits with our daughter. Seriously? You? The enabling queen? I told her no, that it wasn’t an issue of me trusting her or not, but that I did feel she was not objective (or properly trained), and if AXBF has an extended period of sobriety and responsibility, a year or more, I might reconsider at that time. What the hell is she thinking? It has been a month since our last court date, and AXBF has made zero attempts to visit his daughter. Apparently, she thinks this is also her job. ARGH!

Anyway, I am giving myself kudos for saying no. It’s difficult for me, the world’s worst people-pleaser, to say no to someone that I rely on so desperately for child care. I just kept thinking, What’s important here? To “SaveHer,” meaning my daughter. I, too, wish I wasn’t so dependent on AXBF’s mother for child care.

Thank you for all of your suggestions regarding my gym woes. The gym I go to isn’t a traditional gym. (I would rather shove a fork in my eyeball than run on a treadmill in a windowless building that smells like a teenager’s dirty socks.) My gym is an all-women’s gym called kaia, and it offers strength and conditioning classes throughout the day. In addition to the endorphins, the best thing about my gym is the community of women. They have encouraged me through a thirty-pound weight loss more than two years ago, given me hand-me-downs and mothering advice for my daughter, and even brought me healthy meals while I was pregnant and post-partum. I miss these women and the much-needed support. And yes, the gym is the only time I’m allowed to just be me, not a mom or a teacher, which is so important!

Every day I take my daughter for walks, sometimes more than once in a day. At first, it was my way of getting the hell out of the house after I kicked out AXBF. It just felt so lonely and stuffy inside all the time. Then, I realized how much my daughter loves it. She watches the trees blow in the wind and takes naps from the motion of the stroller. And we’ve made plenty of friends on the greenbelt.

Thank you for listening. I fear there may be no solutions to my problems at the moment. But I’m all ears—and I love the commiserating.

hopeful4

Sounds like a wonderful place! Is there any other moms at the gym that would be willing to trade or co/share child care with you? I bet that they hate that you are in this situation.

As far as his mom's request, good for you to stand your ground. Goodness.

Hugs.

Sasha1972

Good for you for saying no to ex's mother's offers to babysit/"supervise". It sounds like she is way too involved in her son's life. Is it out of guilt? Out of an appetite for drama? Out of emptiness in her own life? Maybe she's trying to urge her son to have a relationship with his daughter? Who knows?

I think your answer that you'll consider it after a prolonged period of sobriety is just right. Time will tell. There aren't any shortcuts.