in this very short term relationship you have seen him get drunk, detox, drive drunk, get cited and now claims of going to rehab. the common theme is not YOU, it's ALCOHOL. you are just a satellite. you have zero influence on the outcome........and this is only the beginning.

OR you cut your losses and get out of his problems.

So we're a few days away from the court date and he's spiralling out of control.

He has turned up steaming drunk at my house every day this week.

I told him it had to stop, that I don't wanna see him like that. He apologised, said he understood my concerns and that he'd just been panicking about what's coming next week.

Said he'd make an effort to calm down and 'be the man I deserve' but today he called and said he wouldn't be coming over because he respects what I said and doesn't want me to see him drunk.

Didn't stop him getting drunk of course

Break up with him.

You don't need this.

Upsideown....I hope you are reading the articles from the links that you were given and the book that was recommended, also....It will be of great benefit for you...
Knowledge is power....

Did you seriously think your words were going to have any kind of impact on him? This is who he is, this is how he handles "stress".

I know. You're right. But my god, I've never fallen in love so fast or so deeply as this and it's killing me. When he isn't drunk (or perhaps I should say 'when he isn't hammered' because he is only ever sober first thing in the morning) he's the most wonderful man. Kind, caring, sweet, funny, sexy, intelligent.

When he IS completely plastered, he's somewhat less sexy of course. But he is still kind and sweet to me. He loses concentration and repeats himself constantly but spends hours just telling me how much he loves me and he's gonna get sober. He is never belligerent or aggressive, he gets tearful but he's never an ******* to me.

It makes it so hard. If he was a bastard I could walk away so much easier. But he never blames anyone else or tries to make excuses. He doesn't try to lie about being drunk, he apologises constantly for his drunken state and swears blind he will make it up to me.

But I've come home late from work a few times to find him asleep in his car outside, he's driven here so black out drunk that I can't believe he's made it in one piece and then can't stand having that on my conscience. Knowing that each time he turns up here to see me that he could have killed someone to get here.

See...the thing is, we alcoholics HAVE to be charming at first. Who's going to be sucked into a relationship with someone who's drunk AND nasty from the get go? Maybe he's truly a great guy under the booze...or maybe he's learned to act like one. Tough to get good enablers otherwise.

This will not get better.

I hope you're reading some of the other threads in the Friends and Family section, yes? You'll see this scenario over and over again. And often, as the addiction worsens...that's when the abuse starts. Verbal, usually. At first.

Please look down the road ahead. What's most likely to happen next is he'll need a place to live...and he'll want to live with you. Or he'll total his car...and possibly hurt someone badly...and he'll ask you to bail him out of jail. Oh, and drive him to work, as long as he stays employed. Little by little you will get engulfed until you won't recognize yourself.

Wishing you clarity and strength.

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He doesn't try to lie about being drunk, he apologises constantly for his drunken state and swears blind he will make it up to me.

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I've come home late from work a few times to find him asleep in his car outside, he's driven here so black out drunk that I can't believe he's made it in one piece

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Upsidedown--how on earth can someone who is this drunk virtually all the time has the slightest flipping idea if he loves you or not?

I say that not to be cruel, but just to make the point that any other thing that came out of the mouth of someone who was clearly that wasted would not be taken as the gospel truth, and in fact would be highly doubtful, right? Yet when they tell us "oh, but I LOOOOOVE you!", somehow that we latch onto , that we believe...

It makes no sense, when you think about it, none at all. But I've been there, same as you are now.

I hate to say this, but the booze will always come first. Always.

You're right 😭

Stupid thing is, I don't talk to my friends or family about all this, no one else knows quite the extend to which everything is going on. Which really just shows that I know how bad things are and I'm ashamed that I haven't had the strength to walk away yet

UpSideDown.....We have all been there...the euphoria of fresh attraction. The love words are sheer sweetness to our ears....It really is a peak human experience...and, for good reason...as Mother Nature planned it this way. (for the propagation of the species).....
There is a whole cascade of powerful hormones that fuels this.
To me, this is the early attraction that may be the entrance way for a mat ure and l asting love relationship, as time passes....
At first, the love words are enough to keep us....and our love hungry ears drink them up like morning dew.....BUT, as the attraction phase wears off (and, it always does)...there has to be actions that replace the words...or, at least, supplement them in great quantity....
Ultimately, there has to be some solid foundation for the relationship to grow and develop real depth....

Lol...I have seem a lot of people whose love starved ears let them run straight into a burning house.....

Upsidedown...it may be so early in the relationship, that, the sparkly stuff hasn't worn off, yet. Give it some more time....and,it will....
Meantime, please keep reading and learning.....

Thanks, I am. Thing is, I already know I'm codependent, this isn't the first time I've been through something like this.

Nothing anyone is saying is anything I haven't already told myself. I just don't want to listen. I'm worried I'll just never accept it, never overcome it and ultimately never be happy.

I'm a 'single' mum in my 30s and I just feel like time is running out for me

Upsidedown...lol....it is a curious phenomenon that, at whatever age, we think we are "too old"......
Believe me, you are still young....you have great years,,,and, even decades ahead of you....
If you wanted to be a mom...and you (apparently) have a child, now...that is a good and lucky thing to be thankful for....

I think that the most pivotal thing that you can do that will affect the rest of your life, and, that of your child....is to invest in yourself, right now...with lots of self examination, and gain real insight as to what drives you and what you need for your own best welfare.....
You have to have your stuff together in order to be in a relationship with another person who has their own stuff together....to have a relationship that is solid enough for you to be happy and flourish, and not just exist or fight to survive.....
Make the commitment to yourself, right now, to go the Full Monty.....therapy, education, support group of other women.....and, enough time for the healing effects before even thinking of getting into another relationship. Like a 2 year sabbatical devoted to your self improvement and growth.
If you do this, you will never, ever, regret it. And, it is something that nobody else can ever take away from you.....

I believe that the pain of this relationship will finally become enough for you to let go...and,it will happen even faster if you continue to read and to learn....

Upsidedown. If you look back at some of my posts, I hope you do. Because I will tell you now that my ex was the sweetest, kindest person ever and the relationship progressed fast. He was not a mean addict. He did not get high and become mean... until he did. I was in the relationship for years and years, a long time. By the time it ended, I was in fear for my life. His sickness progressed to the point that he was 100% scary 100% of the time. If you had told me a decade ago that this would have happened to us, I would not have believed you.

When this sickness progresses, and it probably will, he will change.

You should not allow yourself to feel responsible for his actions. He choose to drive drunk. He does not do that because he's so desperate to see you despite being drunk. He drives drunk because he IS a drunk. Him driving drunk and almost killing himself in order to see you is not love. Him making you feel pity or guilt or fear for him because of his choice to drive drunk is not love, it's emotional manipulation. I am sorry to be so blunt. I've had my life ruined by an addict and am now trying to pick up the pieces... but there's almost nothing left to pick up. So I'm telling you, it's better to step away now. I'm so sorry.

I think everyone feels the pull of time once they hit 30. However, the only thing you can control is what you do with your time, not what this alcoholic man does with his time. Also, I'm not judging you, you seem to love him. If I could count all the times I made good use of my limited time on earth, I think I would have a single digit number.

If you're a mom, you already are being stretched to the limit taking care of your kids. Do you really want to be a nurse/purse to a man who doesn't show any signs of growing up? Do you really want him to be a stepdad to your kids?

I suspect you want much MUCH more than a F### buddy - you want an actual companion. He's not it.

Do you want your kids to look back and say, mom loved us, but she was so desperate for companionship that she was even willing to take in the town drunk? She spent so much time trying to get him sober that she pretty much ignored us?

I know this is very, VERY harsh. My sister has been in a relationship with a drug addict for a decade now, and we're all scrambling trying to make sure that her children don't bear the brunt of the fallout. My sister requires so much external validation that she is willing to sacrifice her own self-respect and invite the judgment of others in order to get the love that she craves. Her kids sometimes come crying to us after a night with her boyfriend. He doesn't touch them, but he expects them to party hard. And they haven't even hit their teens! They won't say out loud that they can't stand him, but you can tell that they don't respect him.

You know what you have to do.

I think I can think of one person you do not seem to care nearly enough about! Why is that?

Update
 

Hey everyone,

Hope you're all doing well? I thought I'd just stop in and post an update on what's been going on.

My boyfriend's court date has been and gone, he was very lucky to receive a suspended sentence rather than custodial time.

It was suspended on the condition that he attend 6 months of outpatient rehab, 2 hours a week. He also got a small fine and a 3 year driving ban.

Since then, an old family friend heard what's been going on, got in touch and has offered to pay for him to do a 30 day inpatient detox and rehab. He's arranging it between this friend and the probation office, should hear back today but it's looking likely that he's going to be heading off to that as soon as this coming Monday.

He's excited to be getting help he'd never be able to afford and it definitely helps that this clinic is overseas in warmer climates, that should take the sting out, compared to going through detox in dreary old England.

However, the fact it's not in the U.K. means that I won't be able to visit him and we are both very sad about that.

Feel like I'm going to be in an awful limbo without him for the next month, but it's not about me, it's the best thing for him.

I've also poured a whole heap of energy into him recently, getting him to and from appointments, supporting him emotionally when he's been in a dark place. I'm trying to see this time apart as an opportunity for me to look after me but honestly I'm just dreading being away from the man I love for so long.