My Husband is a Weekend Drinker
 

Hi Everyone. I'm new to the forums, and thought I would share my story.

My husband of less than a year is what I call a weekend drinker. 90% of the time everything is great. We were together two years before getting married, and to be honest, there were a few situations where his drinking was a problem. But, since we've been married I feel like it has gotten worse. He rarely drinks during the week, but will on the weekends.

The biggest issue is that he is a verbally abusive drinker. He drinks too much, gets angry and then takes it out on me. I've heard every name in the book, and while he may forget these nights I can't let go of any of it. I am sensitive to begin with and have always struggled with a little low self-esteem. Hearing your husband scream at you things like B****, C**T, lazy, stupid, mother F'er, etc. doesn't exactly make you feel good about yourself. He always tells me that I shouldn't believe anything he says while he's drunk. Easy to say when you aren't on the other end.

Last night's insults revolved around calling me fat (I'm a size 6 btw), and telling me I'm ugly and that he could have married 100 girls who are hotter than me. When he gets really angry, he won't let me leave the room. Holding up his arms or blocking doors, stairs, etc. I try to distance myself as much as possible. Last night I was in the spare bedroom on my laptop late, and planned on sleeping in there with the door locked. For about 20 minutes he argued with me (me staying calm and asking him to go to bed) and tried to break the door down. I just wanted to go to bed. And he hasn't said a word about it today. No apology, nothing. We barely have spoken.

He will also say threatening things. While he isn't physically abusive, he put his hands on my throat one time and has done things like punch me in the arm a few times. Sometimes his drinking isn't fueled by anything. Other times, we might have a small argument and then he uses that as fire to start drinking or he had a bad day at work.

There have been social outings where he just drinks and drinks and acts like an idiot. It is embarrassing. What angers me the most is that others view it as a one time event (college buddies and friends all out) and they laugh about it and look at me like I'm being a B****, but what they don't get is that he acts like it pretty often and I'm the one who has to deal with it. I dread social events and holidays because he has to drink.

His parents have commented about his drinking before, and obviously have encountered his behavior in the past. So, they are aware of the drinking but nobody knows about what I have to deal with in terms of the verbal comments. And, I'm always the bad guy if I look upset or make any remarks about drinking because he doesn't want to look bad in front of family and friends. So, I am left dealing with this on my own.

I can't let go of negative memories, and because of his drinking I can't forget the horrible things he has said and done. And, I am starting to resent him. Our relationship is suffering. We just got married, have great jobs, bought a big house, travel often and this is ruining everything. We should be loving our first year of marriage, and instead, we have fights, drunken arguments and throw around divorce already.

He's had a few ahah moments where he wakes up and feels terrible and promises me he won't do it again. That might last for a few weeks, maybe a month. I've taped him a few times as well.

I try not to comment about when he's drinking or how much, but sometimes I just don't understand. He will use alcohol as a reward - "It's been a long week." He drinks liquor which is a problem. If i ask him to just have one, he'll say "it was a small pour" and will get another. Then maybe another and a beer, etc. If we pop open a bottle of wine, I'll have a tiny glass and you better believe he will drink the whole bottle. I've never seen him have just one drink.

He's hidden alcohol before and hidden it in fast food cups (save some soda to bring home after dinner and then fills it up). I am very very observant and also can read people very well, so I know when things are up. He kept a rum bottle in the kitchen and I know he had a spare hidden that he was using to fill up the rum bottle so it looked like he hadn't been drinking from it. If I am gone traveling or not home, he makes sure that if he was drinking a lot (whether alone or if he had a friend over) to empty the trash so I don't make comments. He's lied about drinking knowing that I can smell beer, liquor etc. on his breath.

Thankfully, we don't have kids (yet). We are in our thirties and that is the next step in our lives. But, I can't imagine even considering that right now.

I love him but I hate him for his behavior, and I hate him for what he has done to me. I hate him for ruining my memories of special events. I feel like if he cared about me he wouldn't continue to do it. I know there are people out there who have way worse situations with their loved ones.

Thanks for listening.

This man is abusive and this is a separate issue to his drinking. You are in danger. The abuse will escalate. I can't tell you what to do but this is no way for you to live. He sounds absolutely terrifying. Please get yourself to a safe place and then figure out a way forward.

ads, welcome to SR. I'm sorry to hear that you're in this situation and I am also afraid for you. While it may not seem "that bad" to you, this IS abuse. In particular, putting his hands on your throat is a sign that much worse may be very near.

The abuse and the drinking are 2 separate issues, even though it looks like the drinking "causes" the abuse b/c the behaviors tend to occur at the same time. Most alcoholics are NOT physically abusive, and even if he gave up drinking right this second, it would likely not change the pattern of abuse.

I'm sure this isn't what you pictured or wanted when you planned the wedding. No one expects to have to sleep in a locked room in order to be safe from the man she married!

Please take some time to read through the threads here: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...out-abuse.html

We do have a number of members on the forum who have direct experience w/domestic violence, or DV. They will be able to share their experiences with you. But please, be safe in the interim, and please do call your local DV center as soon as you can. They won't make you do anything you don't want to do, but they can provide a lot of education about abuse and the resources that are available to you.

My husband behaves like this yet he stopped drinking 5 years ago.
I used to think it was the alcohol but it seems he may have mental health problems that have been made worse by his ignorance of such matters and continued abusive behaviour.
The behaviour you have noted is Domestic Abuse and education of the facts may scare you into realising that you cannot help him and in this situation that is deteriorating you need support to understand that the only thing you can do is protect yourself and build an escape.
Please, please listen to those who know, and save more heartache and grief in the future

ads....I want to just underline what the others have said. You are being abused, both physically and verbally. You said that he isn't physically abusive...but, putting his hands on your throat and hitting you in the arm is physical....
Especially, putting his hands on your throat is a very serious read flag.....

I hope that you will call the dv center, as soon as you can....and, just tell them everything that you told us....they can help you with a safety plan and help you decide what your best plan of action is....
they deal with this kind of situation, every day, and they are very understanding and compassionate.....
As honeypig said...this will escalate....both the drinking and the abuse. This is probably as good as it is going to be.....

He will also say threatening things. While he isn't physically abusive, he put his hands on my throat one time and has done things like punch me in the arm a few times

that IS abuse. laying hands on you in anger is abuse. hands around the throat is an indicator of the harm he is capable of. please do not dismiss this. please allow yourself to accept that this is an abusive situation and that you need a SAFE exit plan. things WILL get worse. he is volatile, dangerous and will harm you......not might......WILL. his abuse is an upward spiral.

here is the number to the National DV hotline....
Our advocates are available 24/7 at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) in more than 200 languages. All calls are free and confidential.

They probably laugh because
1) they don't know how to deal with it
2) they don't WANT to deal with it because they don't know what to do.

My ex-fiance (who was not an addict) cheated on me once that I know of. A week or two after I found out, we were out at a bar with some of his friends. He was acting as if everything was all right, when things were certainly not. I started crying hysterically and started yelling at him to leave me alone. His friends looked at me as if I was crazy, even though they knew what had happened. I felt so humiliated because no one took my side.

I thought it was a reflection on me, when in reality it was a reflection on THEM. I won't go into details, but as a whole they weren't quite stable.

When I think back about that time, what strikes me is that I was so humiliated that I didn't tell any of MY friends what was going on. I was so committed to our relationship that I didn't want to tell the people who were most likely to point out the truth. It is very telling that when my ex-fiance called off the wedding, my best friend and sister started crying tears of happiness.

I'm so sorry that you're in this. I do hope you contact a DV center as soon as you can.

Hi

I have just posted something similar. Although my husband isn't a weekend drinker when he does drink, social events etc he goes too far, argues, cries, wants to fight, breaks things.

The other side to him means that 99% of the time he is kind, caring, thoughtful, sends me poems, flowers and gifts and he is a fantastic dad WITHOUT alcohol. With too much alcohol he is arrogant and pig disgusting.

He's never actually touched me but he has threatened to once. I really feel your pain. I don't understand how alcohol changes someone so much? We've only been married 3 months and he's had two binge sessions which resulted in hurt for people. When do we say enough is enough. It would be easier for me if he was a total knob head when sober too!

If he was, you likely wouldn't even be with him to begin with, right? There would have been nothing to draw you in, in the first place. The charm and sweetness is what gets us hooked; then the ugly side comes out.

This has got to be one of the most common statements ever made on this forum--we ALL come here going "but when he's SOBER, he's just GREAT!" as if the drunk person and sober person were 2 separate beings. Unfortunately, they are one and the same, and the longer we stick around, the more we see of the drunk one and the less of the sober one. Things will only go downhill unless the A takes on the hard work of getting and staying sober--the actual WORK, not just saying the WORDS to appease you...

Hi ads, welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found it.
Like the others, the thing that stood out for me was that he's abusive. Please believe me when I tell you that him putting his hands on your neck is a very dangerous sign.
Can you move to a safe place asap? Your first obligation is to protect yourself. You can get information and advice from any local domestic violence service.

Ads-

My husband was a binge drinker also.

It made for crazy making for me too.

Even though his drinking did not cause problems all the time, I walked around on eggshells all the time that there was even the thought of a drink.

I tried to make it perfect so he would not drink.

Though there had been incidents prior to us marrying, we also knew each other two years prior to the marriage.

Two weeks after our marriage he went on a bender that I will never forget.

He was so intoxicated that he broke a camera, kicked our dog, and punched a window (and messed up his hand/wrist). We had just bought a home and we were newly married. He remembered little of it the next day. It was my first experience with black out drinking.

I felt like I had to stay, because this is what I had signed up for. I promised myself that if he ever behaved like that again I would leave.

Though he continued to drink, continued to black out etc it never looked exactly like that again.....so I thought I had to stay. There was never violence in the same way, though there was driving under the influence, vomit, peeing etc. I never felt safe though when alcohol was involved, regardless of what it looked like.

That first summer (we married in April) there were three or four incidences. Eventually I stopped going out with him because it was embarrassing and not fun for me.

Because he drank to black out he remembered little of it......part of the disease of addiction is denial and he really could not see it, and thus did not see the problem and was unwilling to change. As a result in his mind the problem was me....that I would not go out with him, that I would not continue to make alcohol consumption easy for him. I had a problem with his drinking did not equal problem drinking in his mind.

I started to get better when I put the focus where it belonged....on me and my well being.

I think it’s natural to minimize abuse when it’s not in the stereo typical kind we see or hear about on TV and in books, articles and newspapers. That old movie “The Burning Bed” as an example.

I think it’s natural to justify their behavior on the alcohol……….if only they didn’t drink they wouldn’t say or act that way.

Both the above thinking is called living in “denial” of the severity of your situation.

I think it’s a good idea to contact the 800 number Anvillhead provided and speak with a professional who can guild you on what resources are available to you in your area.

Not all alcoholics/binge drinkers abuse their wives physically and verbally. That is a whole separate issue that he would need to address on top of the drinking.

I sit in the rooms of al-anon with woman who felt the abuse came along with the consumption of the alcohol until sadly they learned that was not the case. Often while sitting in an ER with broken bones, black eyes and shock because they never thought it would happen to them.

You've received great advice here from people who have been there.

I just want to emphasize that domestic violence experts see choking behavior as one of the single highest predictors of serious violence to come. Even "pretend."

It sounds like you have the resources to leave and you are fortunate in having no children who are witnessing this situation. If you read more posts here you'll see such heartbreak in people trying to protect their children from their alcoholic spouses.

Dreams die hard, I know.

Sending you a hug.

ads, I want to echo everyone who said putting his hands on your throat is very serious and frightening, his rages are frightening and likely to get worse. You are in danger. Please take it seriously. Call the DV number.

This is also very scary. This is false imprisonment. (I am not a lawyer btw and not trying to give legal advice.)

He isn't like this because of anything you do or don't do.

Please call the DV number ASAP.

"While he isn't physically abusive, he put his hands on my throat one time and has done things like punch me in the arm a few times."

I'd hate to know what you define as physically abusive if you don't consider what he's doing to be such. The name calling, punching walls, etc. is all abuse, and as you're sadly having to learn, it's ALL hurtful.

Thankfully children aren't involved...

The next time he gets "like that," I would call law enforcement. This will put him on notice that his behavior, going forward, will have consequences.

Good luck to you.

I just read through this again, geez this is terrifying. What if next time he succeeds in breaking the door down? Please make your safety top priority.