Chevfb7

I posted on here almost three weeks ago about how my husband wouldn't cut back on drinking. Saying I only wanted to control him that's why I wanted him to cut back. Well he only drank two nights of his three nights off the first weekend. The next weekend he drank all three nights and was extremely drunk. He kept saying I wasn't going to control him. Well he also bought a brand new truck last week without talking it over with me. Just showed up with it! I guess proving I wasn't going to control him. This Wednesday I'm not sure if he left work early or didn't even go, but on our bank account he had been to a local bar all night and a liquor store. The next day he calls me at work chewing me out over something that wasn't even a big deal. I worked all day and called him when I got off work to say that I wouldn't be home and that I was done. I couldn't live like this. He won't change and I deserve better. Well he was extremely calm and had nothing really to say. Today he has texted me all day asking what he could do to change my mind and how I could break up our family, and how I could be so heartless to break his heart. The thing is I have been telling him for months what needed to be done. He doesn't care! I know leaving is the right choice I just don't know if I'm strong enough to stick to it. Any advice would be greatly welcomed.

SparkleKitty

Keep focusing on taking care of yourself, no matter what. I think it's just fantastic how you stood up for yourself and refused to take any more of his gaslighting.

Keep posting!

Maudcat

Hi, Chevfb7.
Welcome to SR.
You absolutely did the right thing, and Kudos to you for doing so.
Its a brave thing you have done.
So many people stay in relationships with addicts for so many reasons. Money, kids, fear of the unknown, the desire to cure their addict.
Everyone deserves respect.
He will li kely try to pull you back into his orbit.
It is, sadly a pretty common behavior in this type of situation.
Whether you back or not is up to you, but at least for the moment you have a little breathing room to try and figure this out.
Good luck and good thoughts.

PuzzledHeart

So he's been telling you for months if not years that you don't matter, and he expects with a couple of texts that everything will be OK? Not only is he drinking, but he's practicing financial infidelity which is a whole other bag of beans.

At the moment, he's lovebombing you because you're not following the script. He's crapping daisies from his bum and giving you the bouquet.

If you google "Chumplady three channels" there's a post that you might find to be of some interest. It immediately came to mind when I read your thread.

dandylion

Chev.....I think one of the big factors in how well one sticks to their boundary ("I just don't know if I am strong enough to stick to it").....is by getting a lot support for themselves. In addition to SR, of course...lol.....
I am giving you a link to our library of excellent articles that I really hope you will take a look at, and read the ones that you are attracted to....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)

In addition...a support group----like alanon or Adult Children of Alcoholics.....
And, a personal counselor for yourself....

After many years on this forum, I have noticed that this is the combination that has helped so many others come out the other side.....

totfit

I have no advice other than to follow your gut. I really think that for most things in life we deep down intuitively know the right answer for "us". Life might be painful at times and we may have to walk through some fears, but if we had followed that voice or follow what we deep down know to be true; life could be much less problematic and more enjoyable and enriching overall.

dejavuwife

Keep on taking care of yourself one day at a time...don't count on him to get into recovery. He may; he may not. Only time will tell.

I like when you said that you deserve better---YES, YOU DO!

honeypig

PH, I found the ChumpLady site here https://www.chumplady.com/ ("Three Channels" is in the middle of the page) and started skimming through it.

WOW!! I cannot believe how similar many of the stories are to what I read here. Truly mind-blowing.

And the "3 Channels" seemed to me to be the exact same 3 channels that A's use. Thanks for the great suggestion--I saved the site in my bookmarks and will be back to read more whenever I get a chance.

Chev, I hope you take a look at this page. It seems to me like there's plenty there that a person could use to help her stand up for herself and hold her ground.

Seren

Love is caring for someone and working for their good.

It seems telling to me that his complaining is all about him with no awareness of how you have been affected at all. Perhaps some day he will mature and learn to care for himself so that he can care for others. Time will tell.

Please take good care of yourself!

hearthealth

Chev, it does sound like he can not take his own personal inventory and make amends. He is asking to do the bare minimum to suck you back in.

IME being in a sober not in recovery household, means more of the same. Not necessarily the terrible but not necessarily a life that makes you happy and brings you serenity. It takes a long time to change fundamental personalities even if he's willing to make the change. IME

Nola0250

Good on you. Mine situation is less overtly severe but same song and dance of doing the minimum required to keep you miserable and present to serve his needs rather than walking away. The fortitude needed to prevent boundary erosion is impossible to maintain over time. Congrats on this powerful step. Keep trusting yourself.

FeelingGreat

It seems like nothing short of you taking off will alter his behaviour. You may be poorer on paper with this move, but at least you'll have control of your own finances and life.

I think it's important for you to get legal advice about detaching yourself from his crazy spending. Are you liable for the truck payments? What if he drives drunk and hurts someone? Is he going into debt under your name?

You've done the right thing, but once he gets the message there's a chance he will make you pay, so keep your focus on detaching from him legally.

CelticZebra

Keep focus img on yourself and try to avoid the crazy-making antics of this person and seek legal advice too.
Hope be with you