Applechunks

Hello everyone, long time lurker here.

I'm in what I believe to be a pretty unique situation, thus having a hard time figuring out what do now. I'll just dive into it I guess. I'm a 23 year old woman married to a violent alcoholic/drug abusing/suicidal man. When he's sober he's generally ok, but depressed. He has an obsession with with death, wants to die. Tried to commit suicide a few months ago, then almost did it again a few weeks ago. He's gotten help but said it didn't do anything for him and now refuses further help. The problem is at a peak when he's drunk, when he gets mad at me he threatens to kill himself, sometimes in front of me. He knows that's a huge fear of mine and he uses it against me. Sometimes he says he'll kill me as well. He has fits of rage where he just yells at nothing. He quit his job a few days ago and told me he's ready to die, I begged him not to do it so he didn't, but I know once I leave he will probably kill himself. This isn't one of those "help my bf is threateneling to kill himself if I leave him" kind of deals. This is a 28 year old man who has some serious problems that he's unwilling to get help for. He doesn't see a point in life, doesn't want to work, be a wage slave ect. I'm just trying to figure out how I can go on knowing that his death will be because of me. A divorce is hard enough without having to deal with your ex husbands death, funeral ect. He's from another country and I'm the only person who knows him here. I can't imagine what will happen to me when the cops knock on the door and tell me they've found his body somewhere. I thinks it's whats stopping me from leaving. And just before anyone says "he won't actually kill himself it's just a ploy to keep you there" I'll just say again that this isn't that kind of thing. He's very sick and doesn't want help. I can't force it on him either, which has been a bitter pill to swallow. I'm sorry if my thoughts are all over the place, I'm a bit scattered brained right now. Thank you for your time.

Ariesagain

Sending you a hug.

You aren't equipped to handle his suicide threats nor should you try. Call 911 or a suicide prevention hotline and tell them what you've posted here. Him quitting his job is a big red flag. He needs help from professionals.

You can then know that you truly have done what you could. Unless you physically kill him yourself, you are NOT "the cause" of whatever happens with him.

You're 23. You're far too young to give up on your life because of his threats.

NYCDoglvr

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, it is indeed painful. Alcohol is a depressant and no therapy can help until he stops drinking and pursues recovery. And, unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make someone stop drinking. That only happens when the alcoholic decides he/she must stop. If he does kill himself it is only his internal demons driving him, not you. You're essentially a bystander. Active alcoholics are frequently manipulators who go to great lengths to hang on to enablers.

At the same time you must take care of yourself. I recommend Alanon which helped me see that I'm powerless over people, places and things. I can only take care of myself and make better choices in the future. The support is incredible. A big hug!

suki44883

If he kills himself, it will not be because of you. Please understand that.

Sure, he may kill himself if you leave; but then, he may kill himself if you stay. What is worse, he might decide to take you with him.

You are not equipped to deal with his issues. He needs professional help, but, if he isn't willing to get it, there is nothing you can do. You must save yourself. He will do whatever he will do, whether you stay or not.

Bittersweetlove

I think you know what you need to do, it seems like you have accessed the situation. You know you are in a bad spot. Trust your instincts... always.

You need to look at this from the outside in, 1) he wants to die, it seems cruel for him to threaten that knowing how incredibly traumatic that would be, he is using his pain to inflict pain on you 2) he clearly doesn't have himself together in any fashion, you can't control or predict his behavior and that leaves you in incredible risk. 3) if he tries to kill himself and fails he will be forced to get help, if he succeeds he has made that choice not you. We all have that option.

You need to get yourself to a safe place and right now that is anywhere away from him. I had a friend with a husband that was like this he killed he killed her in her sleep with a kitchen knife didn't harm himself at all. Their 2 year old was asleep next to her. Your safety is your only priority at this moment.

Everyone will tell you that at 23 that you are so young with the entire world in front of you. I remember 23 though that's hard to grasp, let me assure while divorce is never joyous it would give you the chance to start over and that's exactly what you need. Yes it will be uncomfortable wildly so I won't deny that but you will grow and be in a better spot that will allow you to put this behind you.

Sweetheart run and run fast!

PuzzledHeart

1) Unless someone has actually met your husband, he/she cannot make a determination if he's suicidal.

2) Unless you're a mental health professional, you cannot diagnose his condition.

3) Even if you were a mental health professional, you STILL can't diagnose his condition. You're too closely involved. There's a reason why doctors don't treat family members.

4) My mom threatened suicide. She actually walked into the pool. I called the doctors and it was the best thing I ever did. I don't even care if she was trying to manipulate me or my family - it gave her the wakeup call she needed to get on with her life.

5) Have you shared any of this with family or friends? You need to have IRL support because this is incredibly hard.

6) I would DEFINITELY contact your local Domestic Violence shelter. It doesn't mean that you intend to move out. What it does mean that you'll talk to people who have experience dealing with this kind of stuff, and can advise you on the best ways to safely navigate your way through this.

7) You may feel especially guilty if your marriage is the reason why he can stay in this country. It's not a good enough reason to stay in this relationship. Trust me, I know.

Please take care of yourself in all of this. I'm so sorry.

Sasha1972

This sounds extremely stressful. Please remember that you are not responsible for his thoughts and actions - if he threatens suicide or actually harms himself, it will NOT be because of you.

Taking care of yourself does not mean you have abandoned your husband or somehow driven him to self-harm. He is entirely responsible for his own path. You do not owe him your constant presence.

I am concerned that he says sometimes that he will kill you too. This sounds pretty serious to me, even if he only says it occasionally. I really think you should not have to deal with this on your own. Please call the police or a domestic violence shelter. You don't have commit yourself to divorce or leaving him, but I do think you need to talk about your options with people who have dealt with many such situations.

FeelingGreat

Hi Applechunks, I'm sorry for the awful position you find yourself in. I believe that this is not the usual empty threat as far as anyone can tell. Please be properly alarmed that he's threatening to kill you as well. He sounds like a very disturbed person, and you could be in real danger. Suicidal people are not thinking straight and his reasoning will be all over the shop.

I agree with the others that this is well beyond your ability to fix, and you certainly can't stop him killing himself if he's decided. If you think of yourself as powerless, then your obligation to protect yourself becomes clear.

If he threatens to kill himself again, call 911 and have him properly assessed. A domestic violence helpline would be a good place to start.

D122y

Apple,

Once he threatened my life I would run away.

Murder suicide?

Your life is in danger w this very sick man.

Like others have mentioned, he needs pro help.

Again, I would disappear from this situation immediately.

Thanks.

velma929

I'm in what I believe to be a pretty unique situation ,Actually, this happens for than you think ... When he's sober he's generally ok, but depressed. He's gotten help but said it didn't do anything for him and now refuses further help. His decision, entirely ...He quit his job a few days ago Bad choice, on his partand told me he's ready to die, I begged him not to do it so he didn't,You may be over-estimating your power over him but I know once I leave he will probably kill himself.... This is a 28 year old man who has some serious problems that he's unwilling to get help for.Again, his choice He doesn't see a point in life, doesn't want to work, be a wage slave etc. ... He's from another country and I'm the only person who knows him here. So, essentially, he's estranged from his family and he's so antisocial that he has failed to develop a support system where he's chosen to live.I can't imagine what will happen to me when the cops knock on the door and tell me they've found his body somewhere. I thinks it's whats stopping me from leaving. And just before anyone says "he won't actually kill himself it's just a ploy to keep you there"...He's very sick and doesn't want help. I can't force it on him either, That's absolutely right. You can't force him to get help, even if you stay. So is putting yourself in danger of any benefit?

atalose

Anytime anyone threatens to harm themselves you call 911.

Anytime anyone threatens to harm you – you call 911.

If he is as sick as you say then he needs professional help, not your understanding and sticking by his side and the first step towards that is to call 911 about his suicidal threats and also his threats to harm you.

I agree, quitting his job is a giant red flag!!

Smarie78

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like a nightmare. My biggest worry and fear for you right now is that he's threatened to kill you. This jumped out at me immediately. He is obviously very sick, but if for nothing else, he may very well kill you. If he's violent and he's threatened AND quit his job, sounds like more a threat of murder-suicide then just worrying about guilt if he does it to himself. I read these stories almost everyday and it is heartbreaking. If he wants to die let him eventho it is painful. But if he is quite seriously sick as it sounds he is, you may only have moments to escape.
The thing is, is that he is a time bomb. You don't know what he is capable of right now. Could be anything. So I would start thinking about getting away from him immediately. If he kills himself it's not your fault. It's his choice. If he takes you with him, well then...it's time to escape.

Do you have friends or family you can stay with today and for the foreseeable future? Somewhere that he couldn't find you? Essentially disappear? I know you feel guilty and Im the same way so I do not blame you. But your life is actually in danger. Please listen to the posters above who have experience in this.

dejavuwife

but if you find the strength to leave, and he is threatening to kill himself, you can also call the police to do a welfare check. 911 may work, too, but I did the welfare check on my ex (who would threaten suicide) at least twice, and he finally stopped playing that game.

You do not deserve to be his victim!

Applechunks

Thank you so much to everyone who took time out of their day to leave me such wonderful responses. I think I'm scared to leave because I'm scared of being lonely. I'm a person who loves alot and who really just wants to be loved. My husband can give me that sometimes but I've learned over our short marriage that his heart isn't as full of love as mine is. It comes in occasional bursts and those are the moments I wait for and cling too. I'm a very insecure person and fear being alone forever. I feel dead to other men, like they don't even notice me, and the worst part is the only man I ever have my eyes on is the man I married. He didn't become violent until very recently, but he's always been suicidal. I love him so much, I'm crying as I write this because what do I do with all this love I have for him when he's gone? I panic when I think of leaving him and my chest starts hurting. This violent monster isn't the man I married but it's who he's become as of late. My heart hurts. I know in my heart that I can't spend my life with him, but getting up and leaving is the hard part. I keep putting it off because I know I will suffer greatly. I'll have to move back in with my grandparents, sleep in the living room, hear them fight all the time (I come from a family full of hatred for one another.) I don't want to go back there but I don't make enough money to live here either. I'll have to quit my job and just go back home, and most of all, lay in bed every night wondering where he is and if he's still alive. I have no idea how long it will take me to get over him, he was my first everything. I planned a life with him, around him, and I made myself such an easy person to be with. I didn't know this kind of pain existed.

OpheliaKatz

Applechunks,

My STBAXH is like this too. The difference is he repeatedly says he won't kill himself because it's against his beliefs, but when things get hard, he'll have an overdose and I'll need to call an ambulance. He does this deliberately. His shrink said he's suicidal. He is also violent and abusive. He has told me many times that if I am not there for him, he will die and it will be my fault. He has depression and PTSD and many many issues. He doesn't want to quit drugs either. He also doesn't work.

At the end of the day, I decided that I had to keep myself safe first, and that if I did leave him and save myself, I would not be there to pick up the pieces the next time he had an OD, the next time he didn't eat for three days or take his meds, or whatever... it would all be his responsibility. I hope that by leaving him, it's given him some incentive to keep going because now he can't spend all his money on drugs because he needs to house himself. Or maybe he'll die. I don't know. I grieve him every day even though he's not really dead yet because I don't know when it will happen or if it will happen.

I hope that whatever happens, you look after your health and safety first, because this man is a sinking ship and you may have to grieve his death as a result of the choices he makes, but his death will never be your fault. However, if you don't look after yourself, and you sink with the ship, your death will be your fault. You can suddenly die from stress -- I know of a woman who had cardiac arrest suddenly from the stress of living with an addict who had mental health issues, and she was only 33.

I wish I could give you a big hug. I am having an emotional day because as I read your post, I was thinking of the number of times today that I started to worry that my ex might OD or kill himself. Unfortunately and fortunately (mostly fortunately), I'm not responsible for his choices. I'm only responsible for what I do tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. Leaving someone that I loved as much as my ex, who I was with for 10 years, has been difficult even though he was manipulative, abusive, violent, and the biggest liar I had ever had the displeasure of believing. He wasn't violent often, but it was enough and it was escalating. I had to step away before the stress killed me, it was already turning my hair white.

I hope that you can make the right choices for you. I won't tell you to leave or stay, but I will say that you need to look after you, only you. You can't control anything he does. You have no control over him or his choices. The only thing you can control is what you decide to do about you.

I'm so sorry that this is happening to you. You must feel scared, very alone, and worried. Please don't be scared.

Finally, if he tries to kill himself and you are there, you should call the crises assessment team of your local hospital. He might be able to be admitted to psych. You need to leave him to the experts. He is too big a job for you, I think.

OpheliaKatz

Applechunks, my ex wasn't always violent either. However, in my experience, by the time they are violent, they are very deeply addicted and it's the breaking point for a lot of relationships. There is a pattern, the more they drink or drug, the more they hate themselves, the more then hate themselves, the more they feel like victims of circumstance -- they have an external locus of control -- so they blame people around them, you, anyone... and then they become abusive/violent... and then they feel bad about themselves for being violent, and so they drink/drug to escape the bad feeling. And around and around it goes. My ex was like this. He hated himself. He had a deep anger inside him at himself, his parents, eventually everything, and he wasn't dealing with it. So he drugged himself. By the time he was acting violent, he was a chain-smoking drugger. He could smoke drugs all day, every minute of the day, not eat, sleep, or clean himself. By the time they stop respecting their loved ones, the people who actually put up with their behavior, they're well on their way to tragedy. You can't control it. It may well be that he's angry at you because he knows you deserve better. Who knows.

Please be kind to yourself. Pretend you have a daughter in your situation. What would you want her to do? It's easy to say this stuff, harder to follow one's own "advice". ****hugs****

I want to add one more thing. I go to a domestic violence group and a woman there said that her husband frequently says he will kill himself because of her. One day, completely fed up, she calmly said, "if you do it, please do it outside so that I don't have to clean the mess in the house."

OpheliaKatz

This too. I had to get a restraining order eventually. Just re-read everything below, I can't believe it wasn't the first thing I remembered when I made my comment. I think it's because codie-me was identifying with your post, and when I'm in this sort of situation, the first thing I do is ignore my own safety, which is not right. Yes, please LEAVE and go to a safe place. Ignore what I said about your choice to stay or leave. He's very sick, in more ways than one. So sorry.

velma929

My husband was not violent nor overtly suicidal. He did drink until his liver was in trouble and smoked two packs of cigarettes a day.

I was the weird, skinny, nerdy girl who grew into an slender, weird adult. I never dated a lot. When I met my husband, I was over the moon. A man who was interested...in me! Hubby was literally a genius, and a little weird and nerdy. Slender was his cup of tea. I thought once we married, he would outgrow drinking to excess, so we married six months after we met. (Nerdy doesn't always include common sense)

I never left him because 1)I was absolutely certain I'd never attract another man, 2)we had a better standard of living than I'd have alone, and I think the biggest reason was my pride. 3)I didn't want to admit I'd made a mistake. I did love him, too. I love the man I married, but he started disappearing as the drinking became worse. And honestly, even now seven years after his death, I still do, in a way.

Now, as a more grown up human, 1) Our worth as women isn't dependent on catching a mate, 2) having a peaceful place to go to at the end of the day is a better standard of living 3) I [now] admit I make mistakes all the time. It's easier than maintaining the pretense of perfection.

If there was a number 4 it would be: Just because we love somebody intensely doesn't make it a good reason to become his or her spouse. We will love many people in our lives, in different ways. We love our friends. If our friends drink too much, don't want children, worship differently, or spend all their money on a fleet of junk cars instead of one that runs reliably, that doesn't impact our lives much.

You won't have to live with your grandparents forever. I just checked Craig's List and even in my rural podunk area, there are many types of nice living arrangements list at reasonable prices. There are vegan yoga instructors looking to share their passive solar homes with drama and chem free roommates, homeowners looking for gay-friendly tenants and mature women looking to share their mobile homes. You have choices. They are not options you even imagined years ago. The old coots used to say "better to deal with the Devil you know," but I would disagree. Some strangers are kooks, but looking at the ads, many are legitimately looking for sane person to help them pay the rent or the mortgage.

Sasha1972

I can only imagine how miserable you must be right now. All I can say is that even though it feels like you have no good options and you'll be unhappy forever if you leave, I believe that you do have options and you will be happy again some day. It sounds like the misery of the present moment is making it difficult for you to clearly perceive your situation.

I'm really sorry your husband is not the man you thought he would be, or is no longer the man you married and planned a life with. If he had been hit by a bus the day after your wedding, you would have found a way to rebuild your life. Your real situation is similar. You don't have the security you thought you would have and you have to look after yourself.

You describe your husband as a "violent monster" and I believe you are right. I really urge you to go and stay with a friend even for a couple of days to get some time away from the craziness, and to talk to someone from a domestic violence shelter. Him quitting his job looks to me like a big red flag. But I am not an expert. However, there are experts out there who will help you if you reach out to them.

FeelingGreat

Hi Apple, is there any way you can get to counselling or Al-anon. You seem to have all sorts of thoughts running around in your head, and talking to someone out loud will help you organise them.
Why not start putting a savings fund aside for emergencies, and investigate other housing arrangements as Velma has suggested. It sounds like you've been living in a dysfunctional cocoon for a while and it's not helping you grow.
You have years ahead of you to get to know and cope with the world, and it's really not as bad as you believe.