Bekindalways

The draw to my qualifier was probably a slightly different flavor of exactly the codependent pull we all experience here. Some of your descriptions of your feelings Smarie sure were familiar . . . . sigh . . . .man oh man is it hard.

In a way my life has been an unfolding of all the reasons I was drawn to this guy. I'm 54. I met him when I was 20 and left him when I was 25.

I suppose everyone has their own recipe of attractive and he was mine: so beautiful that I would catch my breath when I saw him. He was on scholarships at the college we went to. We met in one of those huge lecture halls. After every exam, the professor would post the high score and the median score on the board. My qualifier happened to sit next to me in class (the way students usually sit in the same place) and always had the exam with the high score.

My dad was a scientist and valued intelligence in people. He only really saw science/math people as smart. I am not scientific and spent my growing up trying to prove to my dad that I was smart and worthy of attention. He never saw that in me.

There is more to it but that gives the basics. Thanks for asking Smarie. And courage to you. As long ago as it was I still remember that pain and how hard it was to leave.

Smarie78

Fascinating. Your father sounds quite a bit like mine actually. He is all about pushing the math and science, everything else is weak in his eyes. He is a wonderful and loving man don't get me wrong, truly a heart of gold obsessed with his children. But to this day I know he always wanted us to go very far. To be CEOs and executives. He seems happy with where all of our careers have gone (except the one black sheep brother), but he is still very driven by money and success as the only true source of worth. Just interesting when you said that about your own father, and the obvious link to your qualifier.

Do you still think about him? Sorry for the prying you definitely don't need to answer that. I just ask because I think there is this part of me that worries about being a forgettable memory, both to he and myself. The men I have been with in the past, relationships that lasted even longer than Abf, I can honestly say I never think about. Or if I do I am so incredibly foreign to what it even felt like to love them. As if they walked by I would feel nothing. No love or hate, just "oh yeah, I THINK I remember feeling love for that person?"...maybe that's been the tough part, letting Abf go into that world of oblivion for me.

Smarie78

I think that often. What it would feel like after the years of stress and anxiety. Just as you mentioned. No more calling police, no more lying to my family, no more digging through his bags to find the vodka, screaming matches, worrying about whether he was cheating again, phone calls to pick him up from the hospital, destroyed furniture, no more tension between my sister and I, no more trying to hide or feeling anxiety when we go out that if he goes to the bathroom he is having a drink, no more wondering what awaits when I turn the door key, no more feeling like I am drowning.


Now of course then the brain says, and no more of all the wonderful moments either. It makes me sad but as my therapist says, those moments are a very small sliver of a giant toxic pie.

SparkleKitty

Think of all the time you will have to experience wonderful moments that don't come at such tremendous cost. I was amazed, when I finally crawled out of the toxic stew, how many were waiting for that I had not even been able to imagine before I left.

tomsteve

something i STRONGLY suggest:
get pen and paper and write down the wonderful MOMENTS.
then get another and write down the horrible DAYS.

dandylion

Smarie.....I can't help but share what I "picked up" from you post....

"...weak in his eyes (aside from science and math"
"......obsessed with his children going far"
"....driven by money and success as only true worth"
"I worry about being a forgettable memory"

When those concepts are viewed within the context of you current experience....to me, I can see a certain amount of "sense" in the connection....
I recall the amount of time that you have felt sooo much guilt over things. It is like your go-to emotion, much of the time...lol...
This makes me suspicious that the question of your own worth...your essential value...is a basic problems area for you...a part of your foundation....a part of the baggage that you brought with you to this (and all other) relationships. The core of low self esteem.....
Those are my thoughts.....what do you think??

Bekindalways

Like your father Smarie, mine is a wonderful human being. We love each other very much and . . . .still . . . .he has a blind spot about me. I am very fortunate to come from a good family . . . . .but . . . .sometimes the problem with good families is there are huge hidden wounds that fester and stay hidden longer than more troubled families

My situation with my qualifier probably won't be helpful and gets a bit off topic. I do think about my qualifier more than I want to admit. I have never formed another long term relationship. Divorces are rare in my family. I only have one first cousin who is divorced. Even my sister, who was widowed fairly young couldn't consider remarrying. She and I have speculated that monogamy is genetic in our family. People often say, "Well you never know" and this is certainly true. However at this time when society is recognizing how little we get to choose about our sexuality, I wonder if monogamy or falling-in-love-once is a type of sexuality that I don't choose.

Back on the subject, of qualifiers, I can truly say I want the best for my qualifier. He became a meth addict and went all the way to robbing houses and shooting up. He went to jail for 3 years and became sober. As far as I know, he has been sober for some 20-25 years. I don't want him to think about me specially if it is painful for him. In many ways I feel that our lives and what we do are so much bigger than our passion for each other and my own romantic fantasies. Please note, it took me a long, long, long, long time to get to this point.

Hang tough Smarie. It helped me to count days of no contact like an alcoholic counts days of sobriety.

53500

Yes, the good moments exist with addicts. If not, no one would be on this forum. I had good times with mine. I heard all the "I've never loved anyone like I love you" kind of thing, I really believed - temporarily - that our love could solve his problems. That I'd be the one who stuck by him and made all the difference.

Those feelings were real but not based on reality. They were based on hope, ignorance, and fantasy. The *reality* - despite his words, that he may have meant when he said them - was he hit me, he stole from me and my friends, he lied all the time to protect his addiction. I allowed him to suck me into the drama. I followed him around the city one night as he chased drugs. The cops searched my purse when we got to a bus station.

Sometimes I still can't believe I put up with it.

Now you're free to enjoy your family, your friends, your work. You can have guests in your home and it's fun and safe. Enjoy it, lady!

OpheliaKatz

"I know nothing has changed...I don't know why it keeps shocking me"

I get this. I know what happened to my relationship -- it was a relationship with an addict who was not and probably never will change. I don't know why it keeps shocking me.