hopeful4

I have to agree. It is him, this is who he has become, and likely always will be. I always caution people, their actions are their actions, their words their words. They don't get a free pass because it was addiction talking. He said it out of his mouth.

Smarie78

I feel that way. That this is my opportunity to seize. That I came far enough to tell him I won't let him treat me this way and that he can't be in the house even when he begged that he won't be high.This also allows him freedom of his choices without my obsession of breaking the fall. That if he chooses to throw this potential timeout and window of clarity away, I won't have to be there to witness it. If I let him come back today I know the trajectory. If I don't, I am pretty confident on the trajectory but at least I am not enabling it.

Things with my sis in the meantime have been nice. She's been helping me so much at work and is proud of me. She also invited me to the beach with her and the boys Friday and then dinner with girlfriends. I'd normally hesitate and worry since this is when me and Abf usually see eachother, but it felt real good to tell her I will be there. No lies either. Just a comfortable yes, I can be there.

I love him, I am sad for him...these are just my feelings, but I know in my heart active addiction and relationships don't go in the same sentence together. It's a truly impossible hurdle. I can feel how I do, but it doesn't mean I have to act on them.

Thank you for all the support!

Ariesagain

I'm genuinely curious...have you asked yourself what he would have to do for you to actually break up with him?

Not renegotiate, not discuss, not lecture, not intellectualize...break up. As in, "this relationship is over and do not contact me ever again nor will I contact you."

Smarie78

This is it for me (I only hesitate in declaring so because I'm scared to trust myself until I can keep practicing what I have today and not look back). I love him, but if he cannot or will not choose sobriety we cannot be together. He can tell me many times, but he has for the last two and a half years. It is getting worse as they say. It's past the point and it hit me today that as long as he is with me he won't be able to get well.
I have been his crackhouse and I won't anymore. Again, not as a punishment, but because he won't have a chance in hell with me around. Sad, but true. I can do everything and it still won't will him to health and sobriety. I am willing to let go.

hopeful4

I am so glad you are going with your sister! Enjoy every second!

tomsteve

imo it should be
because i finally got it from my head to my heart that i dont deserve to be treated like this AND AM NOW ACTING ON THAT!

AnvilheadII

i don't think HE really wants to get SOBER for life anymore than i want to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower, naked.

Bekindalways

Heya Smarie, I so hope you are free of this guy.

You may have come to a place of more sanity than I ever reached. I had to get away from my Qualifier to really cut loose. Hmmm . . . . I'm wondering if I had not had the opportunity to leave geographically, maybe my journey would have looked more like yours.

Do you have a plan for if/when he contacts you again and probably starts love-bombing you?

Big hug to you lady; take care.

Smarie78

Thanks Bekind, and all who has responded...I appreciate your empathy because it really is tough. I know logic says it shouldn't be, that why would I find it difficult to break away from someone so toxic, but despite all the drama and all the issues, it is hard to part from somebody that you do have love for and caring. I realized he cannot show me love if he cannot show himself love.

That said, I want it to stick this time. I want it to end even if my heart doesn't. And yes, I do need a plan for when he comes knocking because he will. My guess is that yesterday he started a binge. He was due and with all the sneaking of substance building up, it usually comes to a head with an actual binge. So I need to prepare now. I want to take the opportunity that he's given, otherwise I fear I won't be able to myself.

I think the best thing I can do is do as he asked and not contact him anymore. So to me that would mean blocking him. It would be too difficult if I saw his name pop up on my phone. I'd want to pick it up. I will do that and then stay as busy as I can this weekend and say yes to all the plans ppl have asked me for so I can remind myself of the freedom and nice life I can have out there. I may grit my teeth when that heartache inches up...but I know I can do it.

Bekind - can I ask what your pull to your ex-partner was?

Smarie78

That's the interesting thing, he actually has stopped saying he wants to. I've never heard him say he wants to get sober. I think you are right....he just doesn't want to. Maybe not now, maybe not ever. But I can't wait to see if something will change that hasn't changed in years.

Would you bungee jump with clothes on?, or just wouldn't all together?

madgirl

Isn't he married?
If he DID ever truly embrace recovery, he wouldn't be able to continue cheating on his wife. He'd have to honestly deal and get a divorce or make amends with her.
This man is a complete waste of time and your heart.

Smarie78

Yes, he is married, but he is not cheating in the traditional sense, on his wife. Meaning.. . she isn't in the dark about us and he isn't going home to her after being with me. They have been separated and estranged for years. They haven't lived together either for the last 5 years and the situation is due to her immigration and financials that neither one of them seem in a rush to resolve. For him it would mean $$ and work that he doesn't want to do. Again, I am NOT defending this, but I do want it to be clear that this was their situation well before I came along. He cannot really resolve that issue until he can manage his own life. He hasn't been able to maintain two months of sobriety in the years I've known him so there isn't much progress he can make on anything else.

Now that said, I still should not be involved with a man in that insane situation. It's as though everyone is in a no-action pattern (me included). His wife works part time after years of not, but is dependent on him and his mom for financial help. He is tied to her because they have a kid together and he is the one who brought her to this country after 3 months of dating and married her (only later to find they had nothing in common - so instead of leaving he cheats and she finds out in addition to him being an raging alcoholic, and they split). Now she's stuck here essentially with their son. They live with his mother. Then there is he who cannot handle that he brought someone here and now can't just walk away leaving them high and dry. And with the addiction creating a disaster every couple of months, he really is never sober enough to get it together and work on resolving that situation - thus, he escapes and checks out.

Then there is me - never getting any closer to a goal with him because he can't keep it together long enough to do anything; he escapes his responsibilities with me long enough to keep it at bay and pretend it doesn't exist (for him, "as long as I keep giving her money they are happy with me out of the way"). I act right along with him and pretend this works ok for now bc heaven forbid I don't play my part. He goes on a bender, disappears, and I'm here for him. In the meantime he resolves to work on his stuff yet again. Two months pass, back to the bender and repeat. The resent button is on stuck. Nobody is just taking off the record.

I am ready to take off the record if nobody else will.

Ariesagain

"I am ready to take off the record if nobody else will."

Nobody else will. It WORKS for everybody else but at your expense in every sense of the word...mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, morally.

You go, hon. Your better life is waiting and you've been stuck in his holding pattern for way too long.

Cheering for you and sending you a hug.

Smarie78

Thank you dear! I meant the reset button, but I guess resent works too That's exactly it....it's been working for everyone except me. She gets her money and freedom from the crazy, he gets his loving and doormatting girlfriend and doesn't have to do anything to work toward real commitment with her, and I get....well, nothing.

Thank you again...these posts are so encouraging when I think I can't or am trapped.

HardLessons

Smarie

I just read this entire thread. I am farther along than you but I too am dealing with this all recently. I joined SR & posted my giant mess in beginning of June 2017.

I blocked everything by about mid July. Ive been in total no contact mode ever since.

Do yourself a favor block everything cell, email, phone, FB, smoke signals, absolutely everything you can.

First few days or so is difficult but try your best to forget you blocked. Just think he's not contacting me & let it go at that.

Give yourself some time to breathe & let your mind settle down. At least to a point where you can step way back to look at this situation rationally.

I am not saying its easy. It wasn't for me.

I am very sorry for your situation. You deserve better from a supposed love one & life.

Just my humble opinion.

SparkleKitty

If you start to feel trapped, picture yourself in a room, with a locked door leading to the big, beautiful world outside.

Then remember that the key is in your hand. It always has been.

53500

It may (I hope it does) turn out to be less hard than it seems now. When I left my addict fiance I was sort of in a state of shock for two weeks. We were 6 weeks away from our wedding, he'd been sober for over a year - until his attitude changed and I knew what was coming. He told me on the phone he'd "had a few beers" and that was my signal. I dumped him.

After two weeks I felt like I'd crawled out from under a rock. No more police action, violence, theft, middle-of-the-night crises, terrifying drunk driving and all the other addict insanity.

I expect you will soon love your freedom. Good for you, sticking to your boundary.

AnvilheadII

Would you bungee jump with clothes on?, or just wouldn't all together?

NO to bungee anything.....the naked was just for emphasis.

PuzzledHeart

Bungee jumping naked most likely means skin burn. Ouch ouch ouch!

Disclaimer: I have no experience with bungee jumping naked or clothed.

velma929

I didn't deal with Late AH if I thought he was drunk. And actually, if someone I live with is acting mean and peevish, I give him or her wide berth as well. Want to talk, want my opinion about something, go ahead and ask. Be bitchy, passive-aggressive, and snarky means I'll leave you alone.

I was just now reminded this man is married. I guess I wonder why you're insisting on continuing on with *him* rather than finding a partner who is available legally and emotionally. That might be an interesting question to ponder.