AXBF Hospitalized
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Join Date: Jun 2017
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Originally Posted by Sasha1972 
Your child may never have a healthy relationship with her father. Mine certainly won't. But it's important to me to be able to say that I tried everything I could to make it possible for that relationship to exist, even if ultimately there was nothing I could do.
Now, off to find a lawyer I can ask about the dvro. I fought really hard for that too, and I wouldn't want to jeopardize it. Where is Lexie when you need her? I hope she's okay...
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I don't think visiting would be a good idea, and I don't see how it would benefit your daughter. I think staying as far away as you can would be the best option, especially when his alcoholism has gotten so bad he's wound up in the hospital with what sounds like severe withdrawal.
If he truly wants help, this in itself will be one hell of a wakeup call. What his next moves will show what direction he will take in life. Go into rehab right away following the detox, or be released to be right back on the bottle before you know it.
If he truly wants help, this in itself will be one hell of a wakeup call. What his next moves will show what direction he will take in life. Go into rehab right away following the detox, or be released to be right back on the bottle before you know it.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
THIS! I realize the odds of my words having any real impact are as slim as they were for the entire ten years we were together. But this situation is new and potentially different: he almost died and we have a daughter. The stakes are higher, especially for her.
Sure this situation is new to you, scary and your thoughts are filled with “this has to be his bottom” so NOW maybe he will listen to my words. You are risking removing a restraining order based on your own emotions regarding your fears around his current progression of his disease.
Never act until you have clearly answered the question: “what happens if I do nothing?
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
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As I said, my motive is my daughter. She can't advocate for herself; she can't say, "Dad, don't do this. I want you to be happy, healthy, and sober. I want to have a relationship with you some day."
The fact that you have a restraining order against him is a very big deal. If you, as an adult, couldn't have a relationship with him, what makes you think your daughter, who is as young and as vulnerable as can be, can have a healthy relationship with him too?
My FOO is very big on loving and forgiveness, so much so that they turned a blind eye to my cousin, who proceeded to sexually abuse my sister and at the very least physically abused his younger siblings to the point that they ended up in foster care. And yet his mom and dad continue to let him live in the house, even though it's at the point that they lock their bedroom so he won't kill them in the middle of the night.
Everybody was so focussed on giving him love they exposed themselves to danger. My father witnessed him threatening to kill me, and he didn't do anything because "he was family." I didn't know this until years later, but my sister invited my cousin to stay over with her then husband and her baby. The thought of that man being anywhere close to my niece fills me with horror, but my sister was so focussed on mending bridges with her abuser she completely forgot about how dangerous he was. When her now ex-husband found out what my cousin did, he kicked him out of the house immediately.
Your AXBF is not ready to have a relationship with your daughter. He has to heal himself first. He already knows that she exists, and yet he turned to the bottle anyway. That says plenty to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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It's not up to you to make sure "you" did everything you could to make sure your daughter had a relationship with her father.
It's up to HIM, not you. There's nothing here that says he is going to make any changes at all. One psychotic break does not equal the famous "rock bottom" just because it would be that for YOU. Assuming addicts feel the way we would feel is pretty much the biggest mistake we codies make.
That and nullifying restraning orders.
He's going to be out, most likely he's going to feel victimized and sorry for himself and go looking for a buzz ASAP.
Fatherhood is a whole lot more than DNA. It's a lifetime of positive actions that affirm to your daughter that she is cherished.
Do you realistically see that happening?
Sending you a hug.
It's up to HIM, not you. There's nothing here that says he is going to make any changes at all. One psychotic break does not equal the famous "rock bottom" just because it would be that for YOU. Assuming addicts feel the way we would feel is pretty much the biggest mistake we codies make.
That and nullifying restraning orders.
He's going to be out, most likely he's going to feel victimized and sorry for himself and go looking for a buzz ASAP.
Fatherhood is a whole lot more than DNA. It's a lifetime of positive actions that affirm to your daughter that she is cherished.
Do you realistically see that happening?
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 190
Well, for what it's worth and for future reference, I found the following verbiage about restraining orders at the CA.gov website: "The order does not affect the protected person... If you already have a “permanent” restraining order and you want to dismiss (drop) the case or change the restraining order, you must file papers to go to court and ask the judge."
As it turns out, I won't be visiting AXBF because--surprise, surprise--he's already checked himself out of the hospital despite his mom telling me his doctors recommended he stay up to five more days. And this was only bad sign number one.
Bad sign number two? He is angry with his mother for contacting his previously estranged father while he was hospitalized. He told her: "You had no right to tell people my business." Really? You almost died from alcohol withdrawal, and this is your concern?
Bad sign number three? While his mother was at my house caring for our daughter so I could work to pay all of the bills, he was incessantly texting her to come pick him up from the hospital. What a selfish, entitled little snot.
And there you have it. You were all absolutely correct: more of the same. My words weren't going to affect someone who is so stubbornly averse to change. What on earth would make me think I'm so powerful? (Codependency... I already know...)
It only took one near-tragedy for me to lose sight of the fact that this type of behavior is an indicator that I did the right thing for me and my daughter by cutting him out of our lives, that all the years of my previous experiences with him should show me that he will probably never change. Real change will look and feel different, and it will be prompted by him, not me. As sad as it sounds, it's probably better that he keeps screwing up. As so many of you pointed out, why would I want my daughter to have a relationship with him? (Well, I don't want her to have a relationship with this version of him; I want her to have a relationship with the idealized post-sobriety version of him that I can imagine in the future. My imagination is much kinder than my reality.)
Once again, I have to *sigh*. It's probably only a matter of time before his mother tells me he's drinking again.
As it turns out, I won't be visiting AXBF because--surprise, surprise--he's already checked himself out of the hospital despite his mom telling me his doctors recommended he stay up to five more days. And this was only bad sign number one.
Bad sign number two? He is angry with his mother for contacting his previously estranged father while he was hospitalized. He told her: "You had no right to tell people my business." Really? You almost died from alcohol withdrawal, and this is your concern?
Bad sign number three? While his mother was at my house caring for our daughter so I could work to pay all of the bills, he was incessantly texting her to come pick him up from the hospital. What a selfish, entitled little snot.
And there you have it. You were all absolutely correct: more of the same. My words weren't going to affect someone who is so stubbornly averse to change. What on earth would make me think I'm so powerful? (Codependency... I already know...)
It only took one near-tragedy for me to lose sight of the fact that this type of behavior is an indicator that I did the right thing for me and my daughter by cutting him out of our lives, that all the years of my previous experiences with him should show me that he will probably never change. Real change will look and feel different, and it will be prompted by him, not me. As sad as it sounds, it's probably better that he keeps screwing up. As so many of you pointed out, why would I want my daughter to have a relationship with him? (Well, I don't want her to have a relationship with this version of him; I want her to have a relationship with the idealized post-sobriety version of him that I can imagine in the future. My imagination is much kinder than my reality.)
Once again, I have to *sigh*. It's probably only a matter of time before his mother tells me he's drinking again.
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Join Date: Jan 2016
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Sorry, hon. In a way, maybe it's better this way. Sometimes false hope is worse than no hope...you'd just get sucked in again.
Your baby has you and you will do whatever it takes to protect and love her. And you have her.
Sending you a hug.
Your baby has you and you will do whatever it takes to protect and love her. And you have her.
Sending you a hug.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I am sorry for you and your daughter. Don't focus on wanting a healthy father daughter relationship for her, that is not going to happen with an addict. Said from a person with two children with an addict. Will not happen.
Instead put all that focus on being the best mom you can be and protecting her every step of the way. Let go of the rest b/c it's outside of your control.
Big hugs.
Instead put all that focus on being the best mom you can be and protecting her every step of the way. Let go of the rest b/c it's outside of your control.
Big hugs.
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