dejavuwife

My AH is finally admitting he has a problem and is going back to step one, and he has gone to some meetings. While that is a relief, I am not feeling like he is doing enough for me to feel safe just yet. More specifically, he said he would go to a meeting every day, but now he is backing off on the "every day" thing, which, in these early stages, makes me feel VERY uncomfortable.

I feel like I am guarding myself against being sucked in so I moved back up to the guest room for now. It may be a day, it may be a week, I don't know. I just need to feel that he is dedicated like he was the last time he went through this before I open myself up. I feel like when I am sleeping in his bed, I may start trusting too much and get hurt if/when something fails.

Does this make sense to anyone else? I don't even feel like I have a "if you do x, then I will return"--it is all based on how I am feeling about it with him, and I can't even totally explain what I need from him to feel safe--just more dedication. And by safe I just mean emotionally--I don't want to open myself up to hoping too much, I think. I told him it was just going to take time to build up trust, and his small recent choices don't help right now.

LeeJane

It makes good sense, you are taking care and protecting yourself. Watching actions rather than listening to words.

hearthealth

He's lied to you about going everyday. So the trust isn't there. It's okay to back away and protect yourself. It sounds like a boundary to you. That also is okay.
It's very hard to trust my husband. He's not in a program. I'm occasionally waiting for the next let down. He is staying sober though. It takes time to reestablish trust. I noticed I haven't smelled that alcohol odor in a long time. It's all his actions over time that rebuild the trust.

dejavuwife

Oh, the craziness. I was suspicious yesterday because of how he was acting, and he admitted he slipped. THEN comes the great part--he tells me that because I said, "I would have compassion for you if you slipped" the day before, that meant I GAVE HIM PERMISSION to slip.

I said, "If I said, 'I would have compassion for you if you had a car accident' that doesn't mean you go and have a car accident."

I did not entertain his crazy talk too long, but the other part that came up was how upset he was that I "separated" from him (aka did not sleep with him last night). He said that was proof that I did not have compassion for him. I said, "Am I supposed to sleep with everyone I have compassion for?"

Made myself laugh but probably did not help anything...lol

hearthealth

It sounds like he wants it his way. You were compassionate and then not compassionate which way is it? All to distract you from the fact he does not want to give up his alcohol.

Maudcat

I don't know if this story will help, but here goes.
I had a friend who moved out of the marital bedroom because her husband was alcohol dependent.
She simply said. "It isn't that I don't love you. It's the alcohol."
And that was that. She didn't argue, bargain, discuss.
Fwiw: her husband eventually embraced sobriety and recovery through AA.
I think it was many things that turned him toward recovery, one of which was her leaving the bedroom.

dejavuwife

That was the vibe I was looking for, but my smart a$$ has to come out.

Clearly, he hates it when I go upstairs. My time was shortened this last time because a college kid came home for a couple of nights and needed the room (isn't it funny how college kids don't come home when you want them to, but when you need the space, there they are?). He takes it as I am full blown leaving him or something when really, I just need space. Now he is back into being serious about recovery...sigh...

I have mixed feelings about how it sends him into "get serious about recovery" mode; on one hand, it is good. On the other, I don't want OUR relationship (or lack thereof) to be the main reason he gets well. Does that make sense?

tomsteve

makes sense. im posting from the drunken ex i was:
getting serious about not drinking ALWAYS happened after the heat being turned up.
the heat turns down, and my seriousness faded:"PHEW! got away with it that tame. ill do better at hiding how much im drinkin or how drunk i am."

some people with a drinking problem can see the problems drinking is causing- problems in homes,occupations,etc and stop drinking.

that wasnt enough for me. tried it a time or 54.
i had to stop for me and me alone.

dandylion

dejavu.....yes, that makes sense. It means that he is doing whatever it takes to get the status quo back.
There is a distinction between being sober....not actively intoxicated...not drinking alcohol....and, being into "recovery".
The first one can be done by whiteknuckling for various lengths of time...without necessarily working a program that brings internal changes. The kind of changes that bring change in thinking, which brings change in attitude, which brings change in behaviors.
doing the latter takes a lot of work and time and with sobriety at the top priority...above all else. And, working some kind of program...vigorously.
A person has to want it, at some level, for themselves...not just to satisfy some external pressure or goal.....

hopeful4

It makes perfect sense, and good for you. You have a right to do what you need to do as well.

Hugs.

dejavuwife

Earlier today he was all about doing whatever it took, and then hours later, he pulls this "I don't want to have a meeting every day" stuff. I told him he doesn't have to have a meeting everyday, and I don't have to sleep in our room.

He definitely does not like my boundary of sleeping upstairs...he told me that it is not ok for me to separate from him. I told him it was ok for him to decide what recovery he chooses to do, AND, at the same time, it is ok for me not to be around him if he is not fully in.

He tried to argue with me, but I left him to take our kiddo somewhere.

Up and down, up and down

dandylion

good job in detaching from the quacking......

Sasha1972

I think you set excellent boundaries: you don't control when he goes to meetings or participates in recovery activities, and he can't control where you sleep. Each of you makes your own choices about your own behavior. You're not trying to bargain with him (I'll sleep in the marital bed IF you go to meetings/work on your recovery/whatever) and you're not buying into his attempts to make this your problem (you gave me permission to slip, so I did). He chooses his path, you choose yours.

hopeful4

Good for you to enforce your own boundary.

atalose

We repeat what we don’t repair.

He’s repeating his drinking cycle because he’s not making a real attempt to repair it.

You are repeating your detaching cycle and questioning his true desire to stop drinking even in the face of the facts that shows you he’s not. This go around what else are you adding to your own recovery?

Recovery looks like recovery; he will walk the walk instead of just talking the talk.

Besides posting here what else are you doing for your own recovery? Al-anon? Therapy?

dejavuwife

We both went to AA last night (I went to Alanon). He is back to clean and sober and working at it. For the past two years he was walking the walk until he wasn't.

I detach because I can't stand to be around him when he is acting/talking "under the influence", and when I say "under the influence", I am including when he has not had anything, but is still defensive about the addiction or whatever you want to call it.

I feel like he is back for now...one day at a time...

NYCDoglvr

Yes, it makes sense. By his actions he is saying "trust me" but it's it doesn't work that way. Trust must be earned, that takes time and some serious actions. I strongly suggest Alanon where we learn to put the focus on ourselves instead of the alcoholic.

CelticZebra

My husband seems to have this horrid cycle of abusive behaviour without the alcohol, possibly PTSD bout my boundaries had been non existent to start. I am learning to protect myself better.
This post helped me see I am not as helpless as I think I am.

honeypig

CZ--Powerless? Yes. Helpless? Not at all.

A quote from another SR member that literally changed my life when I read it:

For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.