Cellphone spying

Old 09-12-2017, 04:01 PM
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Gru
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Cellphone spying

Had a nice morning with my ABF, running errands, singing songs in the car. Get home, have lunch. He goes out to pick his kids up from school. I notice he's left his phone behind. I know this is bad but I looked at the messages. Its not the first time. Over a year ago I did the same and regretted it. His tone to his drinking buddies is so different than the guy I usually hang out with, albeit, not at night usually. Really crass and all about being drunk. So this time I found hook up messages to women. They were from a few months ago when we had broken up for a short while. BUT I had asked him pointedly when we got back together if we needed to get tested, if he'd had any hookups. He said no. After seeing the messages I confronted him and he admitted to not even using condomsome on these one night stands. Now I have to go get tested and hope for the best.

I know I should be angry but I don't feel anything.
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Old 09-12-2017, 06:05 PM
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Hello Gru,

I am sorry for what you have learned...and that he lied straight up to your face when asked about it directly. That would really frost me!

I hope all will be well with the tests!
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Old 09-12-2017, 07:44 PM
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this is when you have to ask yourself:

What are MY dealbreakers? where do my boundaries begin? am i upholding my values, morals and ethics?

OR

On what planet would this behavior EVER be considered acceptable?
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Old 09-12-2017, 08:18 PM
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What's your plan Gru???

I would agree, this would be a deal breaker!!
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Old 09-12-2017, 09:53 PM
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Ya..it's over. We've been texting. He won't actually talk to me on the phone but that's normal. I'm starting to become infuriated. He says he has a big day tomorrow(puttering with his jeep?) and cant talk. We work together so we've been texting on how to proceed seeing each other at work. He's angry that I was snooping. All the drinking and drama of the past 3.5 years is just washed out by my snoopiness. I asked who he slept with so I wouldn't have to run into them around our small town. I'll never know. He's gaming and in bed. I'm nosy and jealous he says.

I feel foolish. This is going to take a long time to get over.
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Old 09-12-2017, 10:01 PM
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So very sorry. Horrible situation for you.

He is lashing out and making it about your "snooping" to cover his appalling behaviours. Text book A rubbish. But I am sure you know that.

Take care.
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Old 09-12-2017, 10:03 PM
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Thanks. I know that but also don't really know it. I appreciate the reminder.
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Old 09-12-2017, 11:41 PM
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Gru......I am giving you a link to a video that I think relates to your current experience....

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q...52B4A855A4AA01
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Old 09-13-2017, 04:11 AM
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Pillowtalk82 videos? Omg those were amazing. Thanks for the link. I can't believe the chutzpah she had to post those.
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Old 09-13-2017, 07:40 AM
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"He's angry that I was snooping."

Nah, he's angry he got caught.
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Old 09-13-2017, 09:14 AM
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Next is the part where he writes me as the jealous villain who checked his phone. I'm getting angry now. Just need to keep finding my center in all this, whoever I am without the baggage of the past 3.5 years and beyond. Yes, writing my values, boundaries, ethics. I'm ready for this. And also so sad, lonely, intermittently furious.

After he stopped texting last night he said some sarcastic remarks about him being a horrible abusive boyfriend. As if I made all this up. Yes dear, you have been.
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Old 09-13-2017, 09:18 AM
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I'm so sorry to hear that. The same happened to me. But it was somewhat accidental. It was the first time he blacked out and I had seen him drunk and didn't know what to do. I tried to call his mom and looked for her number on his phone when I ended up finding messages to and from women. No smoking gun that he actually met up with them, but definitely flirty messages. Then a good year and a half later the idiot thought that if he changes the names to men's names I won't find out. I didn't even have to look through his phone because the moron leaves his phone out and has it set to preview the text message on the locked screen. I'm sorry, but if you are gonna cheat have the brain cells to make it a little discreet. I'm sitting watching TV and he's blacked out and I see the thing light up with a disgusting message to him about "last night".

Ok...let me stop reliving that. Just burns my biscuits! Glad he told you about the protection level being non-existent. Fine it was when you were on a break and maybe that was part of the understanding, or maybe there weren't "break" rules, but his biggest deceit in all of this is exposing you to disease knowingly. That is unforgiveable. If he was having sex with women unprotected and then had sex with you unprotected and told you he wasn't with anyone else, it may even be criminal.

Again...I'm not one to talk. I let him treat me this way. Don't do the same.
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Old 09-13-2017, 09:27 AM
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He had cheated on me a couple of years ago, while I was visiting his sister and nephew and he was working. I was hoping he would surprise us all by visiting as well but nope, he was planning and having dates with a gal he met whilst partying. We got through it. He apologized, disclosed, after I kept pressing him on his weird distant behavior.
This most recent time we were definitely broken up but still hanging out everyday, texting, him trying to repair the relationship. I asked him outright about sex and said it was important for my health that he be honest. It would not have been a deal-breaker then, but the recent deception and disregard for my body is.
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Old 09-13-2017, 09:35 AM
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Good for you. Unfortunately I have found that cheaters are usually repeat offenders.
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Old 09-14-2017, 09:55 AM
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After he stopped texting last night he said some sarcastic remarks about him being a horrible abusive boyfriend. As if I made all this up. Yes dear, you have been.
Allowing him to continue to text you, berate you and abuse you is like getting hit by a bus, stumbling to your feet again so that it can hit you again.

No contact = no new hurts.

Doesn’t matter that you work with him, keep work on a professional level and keep your personal stuff out of the office.
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Old 09-14-2017, 07:02 PM
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Yes I know that and I will do that, keep it professional at work. But I'm so angry really angry now and he doesn't even care that he completely violated my body and my health and consent and all that. I just want him to understand that this is a big deal, that I'm not nothing.
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Old 09-15-2017, 02:53 AM
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I am so sorry for what has happened--for how he has treated you! You definitely do not deserve it. I wish I could tell you that someday he will realize what he has done and feel remorse for it, but that day may never come. I am also sorry to say.

My stepson has threatened to kill 3 members of his own family in the past...no apologies, nothing. So, that is something we have to deal with and we have to protect ourselves from him when he is at his worst. Is it fair? Oh heck no! But it is reality.

Just like an addict has to be the one to decide to do whatever it takes to get well, we have to be the ones to protect ourselves and not be fooled by our emotions.

I hope the days get better as time goes on!
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Old 09-15-2017, 07:22 AM
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Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you may never get.

Selfish people rarely ever apologize unless they are looking for something from you.
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Old 09-15-2017, 10:29 AM
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Originally Posted by Gru View Post
I just want him to understand that this is a big deal, that I'm not nothing.
He may never ever understand that, Gru, or even if by some miracle he does understand, he will never ever admit it.

XAH never cheated on me (that I know of) but he did lie to me day after day after day for virtually our entire 19-year marriage. He used our savings to fund his hidden cigs and alcohol. And I still don't think, 2 years post divorce, that he truly thinks he did anything all that wrong. I myself cannot imagine in what world it is OK to control someone else's knowledge of reality and to steal from that person, but apparently in HIS world, it's not a big deal.

After struggling for a long time to try to make him see that, I finally had an epiphany: It didn't matter if HE thought it was a big deal or not. What mattered was if I thought it was a big deal.

I think the lesson for you might be the same...
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Old 09-15-2017, 04:53 PM
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Yup. Good point. I think that is going to be the only thing that matters. I'm not good at valuing my own needs. And thats how i got into this whole thing. So I'm just going to really try at that for a while. I stayed so long, way past the due date for this relationship, even going to therapy every week. I just feel so messed up.
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