fml23

Things are brutally rough right now in my life. I've filed for divorce from my AH (like just, he hasn't even been served yet). I posted on here about feeling overwhelmed signing the lease for an apartment for my daughter and I this weekend. And, because why leave things chill when you can up he ante, AH has decided he wants to go to detox and rehab for the first time, TOMORROW and is using every play in the book to reel me in to that drama. Soo anyhow that + work + school = I am a hot mess and need support.

So all this to say, I feel a deep sense of shame sharing with people what's going on. I share pretty bluntly the facts of the matter and I reach out for help a lot. I tell my friends the nitty gritty when I feel like I'm gonna drown in it. I guess I haven't thought about it much. My life looks so tidy from the outside, so I feel like I kept a lot of it in for ages. But now the floodgates are open. Is this bad? Is it bad to share with ppl what's going on? I have no issue with therapy. I probably need to call my therapist again. Am I supposed to share minimally and then saving venting for therapy? Several comments from friends and family combined with my heightened stress have made me feel kinda like I ought to buck up and not share so much. Help! How much sharing is too much sharing?!?

BAW81

fml - I am so sorry you're having to go through this! I feel like there is unfortunately a social stigma to sharing negative life experiences, especially reinforced by social media. That said, what I have learned in my experience is that there will be some people that you will be able to share everything with and then there will be some people that you won't be able to....and sometimes the ones who you think are the "share everything with" ones are unwilling.

I highly recommend therapy. It is one relationship where you don't have to feel any constraints. That said, part of the journey is figuring out who else is willing and able to be additional support.

As I continue to navigate my divorce, I've learned the hard way that my sister is unable to listen to how I feel or what is going on. Its extremely sad to me because I wish so badly she could be there for me the way I need her to be but I've learned that she can't. I share this so that if you realize during this process that someone you think should be there for you is unwilling/unable - it's not you, it's them and that is OK.

There are others that can, there is this forum, there will be your therapist.

Good luck!

fml23

This is how I am feeling about my parents. They want to be supportive but they sort of recoil every time I REALLY share. Its weirdly triggering for me because I (like many!) I am a perfectionist and have trouble being myself around my family. and then a friend said she 'doesn't share her Exe's struggles bc it's HIS story not hers' and I thought 'crap, is that a subtle dig?' Yeah, the alcoholism is my AH but the impacts is on me, too!

dandylion

fml....I only shared the "nitty gritty" with those that I was very, very close to, already. That amounted to only my closest friends and immediate family.
For others, who asked....I only gave a brief statement..like. "It didn't work out".

Surprisingly, most people didn't ask or really seem to care. I think that most of the people that we interact with, during our daily life, don't want to dig into it.
I didn't attempt to hide it, but, I didn't make it a headline, either.
I know that it might be different if one lives in a very small town where there are lots of gossips and everybody knows everybody else.....
Divorce is so common, these days, that it is not news, for more than a minute or so, if that....

Guilt is about when you have done something wrong, and shame is about your feelings about yourself, at baseline.....involving self esteem and self concept....
You are trying to protect yourself and your child...which you have every right, and even responsibility to do....
I see no room for guilt or shame, in that.....
You have every reason to hold your head high...As BAW81 said..if anyone gives you any grief...remember that it is about them...not you....

congratulations for taking a brave step!!

Maudcat

Hi, BAW. Welcome.
I don't share much about my situation (alcohol-addicted sib, co-dependent mom) except to close friends and family who get it.
And this site, of course.
I'm not sure how much people want to know, or if, at the end of the day, it helps.
But that's me.
One thing I have found helpful is journalling in longhand.
Somehow, the physical act of writing unlocks my brain, and. I have gotten a lot of clarity from it.
Glad that your spouse is wanting to change. Hope it sticks.

fml23

I wish I was glad he was wanting to change. I actually feel full of horror. He wants to change as he says to 'fix everything'. And that part of me wants to dream that things can change and live the dream of a functional marriage. And then reality, I feel better when I'm not around him. That's hard. And it does honestly fill me with deep shame. I feel like I messed up, like I shouldn't still care.

fml23

And I do feel, probably like a lot of people, that it's not an issue of love or caring. I genuinely think my AH loves me and I honestly have joyous memories of him. But it's always been kinda abusive. Like a near constant power struggle. And even now, as he is 'submitting' to what I think he feels is me hurting him, and saying he wants to get sober. but it's an exchange. He wants to get sober so I'll call off the divorce. I'm trying to come on here and reach out in other ways so I don't drown in that feeling. And sometimes I feel VERY VERY needy.

BAW81

FML - I've also learned that I can share some but not all of the details with my parents. Some days they can handle them and some days they can't.... I understand how you feel because it can be extremely triggering when they can't give you what you want.

On top of dealing with the grief that comes from divorcing my STBXAH and taking care of my 20 month old son, I am also working through the grief from learning my family isn't able to provide me with the support I need. I try not to dwell on my family too much and I'm learning through therapy to find the support I need elsewhere....tbh that is how I found SR.

There have been many times when family/friends ask "how are you doing? You don't need to tell me if it's too painful." I kind of laugh inside because they are really telling me it might be too painful for them to listen. And so, I am learning to pick up on those boundaries and respect them and find support from others who want to listen and who are able to listen.

dandylion

fml.....stop beating up on yourself.
Honor your own emotions....if you feel better out of the dysfunction....that is natural and o.k.
Feelings are what they are. (what you do with those feelings are another thing)...
There is nothing to say that you shouldn't still care. That is nobody else's business. Many of us can't live with the people that we care about.
There is no shame in taking care of yourself and your child. That is your entitlement.
You can feel proud that you are doing the right thing for your child....
You are showing signs of strength--not failure.....

This is no longer 1950. Divorce is no longer considered to be shameful.

Sasha1972

I tend not to share a whole lot, except for with about two or three friends. I really recommend therapy as well, in part because a therapist won't be telling you what they think you might want to hear (friends were really quick to dump on my ex, which I sort of agreed with but sort of didn't - and it wasn't really that helpful to me to be always talking about what a jerk he was.

I've developed a couple of phrases to use when people asked me how I was or how my summer was, and I didn't want to go into detail but didn't want to actually lie and say I was fine:

"Well, there are high points and there are low points."
"Working through a lot of things, but they're moving in the right direction".
"Lots of changes happening so life is a bit crazy"

You get the idea - vague but not completely untrue.

Sasha1972

(I should also say that when I "came out", so to speak, about ex's alcoholism and mental illness, I was amazed by how surprised people were not. So many people have either experienced the same thing directly [lots of addicts out there] or indirectly. I don't think anyone judged me at all [or if they did, I didn't notice and therefore didn't care]).

fml23

BAW, I think that's so healthy to look elsewhere for support. I struggle with 'oh it's fine, everything is fine!' and then when I do need help I am sort of hurt by the reactions. But I guess there are other places (like this) to find support.

I also know all about the 'How are you doing?' but don't you dare say anything but something neutral, because I really can't deal! It makes it easy for me to shrug and go back to, 'Oh I'm fine!'

fml23

I'm reading this thread and thinking, I am definitely needing some therapy. I do feel really grief stricken and full of shame. And in the past, that's what keeps me stuck on the roller coaster.

Interestingly, the friend who told me she didn't 'share' her exes story actually was commiserating about his severe mental illness. I for sure think her comment was probably about HER and not me.

BTW posting on here is keeping me accountable, rather then reaching for my phone to text AH about the details of his detox/rehab. Thank you all so much!!

dandylion

fml...I just noticed your post about your parents and about you being a "perfectionist"....
I am going to go out on a limb, here, and guess that you were held to some very high standards and responsibilities, as you were growing up...?
I have read that on "perfectionist" never had a carefree childhood......

Your friend...sounds like she is grinding some ax of her own.,...forget about what she said...because that belongs on her side of the street....

mylifeismine

I haven't got direct experience to share, but I have heard many
in SR say to give yourself at least a year. If after one year, he is sober,
working a recovery program, and has really committed long
term to sobriety, you will know it and can consider reconcilliation
then.

To me, the difference between sharing with friends & family and
with a professional is the difference between venting and actually
making progress with personal growth in dealing with all the emotions and feelings.

BAW81

My go to phrase after I tell someone I'm getting divorced and they say "I'm sorry" is "You'd be more sorry for me if I stayed" then I smile

fml23

I have battled with debilitating perfectionism for as long as I can remember. Not the adorable high standards kind. The soul crushing kind. There was non stop chaos in my childhood, although not alcoholism. My family moved every year or two, for my fathers employment. And also interestingly, my paternal grandmother drank herself to death when I was 7. The perfectionism is so locked in with my AH I don't even know where to untangle it. I feel like because my resilience is so high and I keep it soooo together (I feel like this probably applies to many codependents) I am angry when I reach out and they don't hear me.

The one time I broke in my childhood in broke in high drama fashion. My family moved from many years over seas back to the US, and I had a terrible time. Rather than address my profound grief, I was called truant from school, diagnosised as having a breakdown, stamped as a major depressive, medicated, and briefly hospitalized. Those events were so traumatizing, I spent a decade understanding them. My parents still reference my youthful 'personal struggles' and 'mental health struggles'. What I see is adults trying to pathologize a totally rational response to a crap ton of stress.

Needless to say, I think I really struggle with what to share and with whom.

fml23

If you like comedy, Louis CK has a bit exactly about this!

thousandwords53

BAW, FML:

I am relating to this entire thread. I am at work and cannot reply at the moment. But thank you for sharing.

dandylion

WOW....fml....I can hear what you are saying! And, I am sure, that others are, too.
I am so sorry for the trauma that you went through.
I think that you show personal insight to know that they were "pathologizing a rational response, on your part".....

I don't know if you are familiar with Adult Children of Alcoholics....? Actually, it is for those with dysfunctional families,,,not JUST alcoholism. You can get their books from amazon.com.....and, you can google to see if there are any meetings in your area....
I think you might find them very supportive for you...they would certainly understand beyond mere words....

I am glad to hear that you are not resistant to the idea of therapy. This is the stuff that therapy is made for...lol....
Actually, much progress is made when one is going through a crisis such as you are finding yourself in....

Be good to your self.....you have already been through too much crap.....