He is all over the place
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
He is all over the place
My husband goes from one moment admitting with humility that he has a problem and committing to meeting with his sponsor and going to daily meetings, and then the next moment he claims he "is recovered" and gets all prideful about how he is "ahead" of me.
Tonight I stopped the conversation--he is meeting with his sponsor for the first time since he started abusing again in the morning. I told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he could talk with him instead.
Is this rollercoaster of admission and pridefulness "normal"? I didn't get my hopes up too high this time at least when he said he was going to get help, but it is hard not to be hopeful.
Tonight I stopped the conversation--he is meeting with his sponsor for the first time since he started abusing again in the morning. I told him I didn't want to talk about it anymore, and he could talk with him instead.
Is this rollercoaster of admission and pridefulness "normal"? I didn't get my hopes up too high this time at least when he said he was going to get help, but it is hard not to be hopeful.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
dejavuwife.....In my experience, when the alcoholic is "fighting" with the disease, any manner of craziness is the norm.
I think that if you could look inside their head you would see a horrific war going on between their alcoholic voice...which talks to them 24/7....and their own self.
I am glad that you know to not personalize it and to detach from it. Engaging doesn't seem to help, at all, at a time like this....you are right...that is what his sponsor and other AA members are there for....
they are equipped to deal with this better than you ever could....
I think that if you could look inside their head you would see a horrific war going on between their alcoholic voice...which talks to them 24/7....and their own self.
I am glad that you know to not personalize it and to detach from it. Engaging doesn't seem to help, at all, at a time like this....you are right...that is what his sponsor and other AA members are there for....
they are equipped to deal with this better than you ever could....
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Join Date: Sep 2017
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Can't pretend
He is now claiming he will go to a recovery meeting once a week--told him that is not enough, and if that is all he is doing, he needs to move out Monday morning. I will be moving upstairs until then. He agreed to do it. The whole conversation was calm.
He met with his sponsor this morning, but he said his sponsor "can't support him"...whatever.
I just can't breathe his air right now...
He met with his sponsor this morning, but he said his sponsor "can't support him"...whatever.
I just can't breathe his air right now...
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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dejavu....I am going to give you this link to an article from our Classic Reading collection.......
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
I think it is a good yardstick.......
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
I think it is a good yardstick.......
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Dejavu, as a recovered A, I do have some experience of what your AH is going through. It took me years, and many attempts to finally reach the point of complete abstinence. I'd had a few semi-successful tries before then, some of which lasted a few months. I had no-one to account to but myself as I live alone and my drinking was done after work. Your AH has the added pressure of knowing you are suffering from his struggle and relapses as well.
Your AH sounds like he's in an intermetiate period where he knows he has a problem (with you, not sure if he thinks it's a problem for him) and is making bargains with himself and you about a program for recovery.
You're right to step back, because you're not helping him and torturing yourself.
Some never reach a moment of clarity where they understand they must recover for their own sakes and from what you write he's not there.
He may experience that moment where he really wants to be sober, or may not. I suppose that leaves you with a choice of whether you want to be around and take that risk.
Whatever happens, if you choose not to get involved then that's your right.
Your AH sounds like he's in an intermetiate period where he knows he has a problem (with you, not sure if he thinks it's a problem for him) and is making bargains with himself and you about a program for recovery.
You're right to step back, because you're not helping him and torturing yourself.
Some never reach a moment of clarity where they understand they must recover for their own sakes and from what you write he's not there.
He may experience that moment where he really wants to be sober, or may not. I suppose that leaves you with a choice of whether you want to be around and take that risk.
Whatever happens, if you choose not to get involved then that's your right.
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
It's really exhausting to be on the roller-coaster ride of hoping the addict will follow through on their commitments to stop drinking/using, but not actually expecting that they will do so. It's like trying to hold two contradictory ideas at the same time. I think the first step is realizing that it isa wild ride, but it doesn't have to be your wild ride (maybe like the AlAnon first step - recognizing that you are powerless over the alcohol) . Sounds like you figured this out sooner than I did!
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May have messed up a little
I took SOME of what I said back because I realized that the financial aspect of him going to a hotel right now would stress me out and maybe, just maybe, I can feel separate enough if I just sleep upstairs.
So I told him that I still reserve the right to ask for that later if my going upstairs does not help enough, and he was very grateful.
And of course, he is buying me my favorite chocolate, etc. and trying to be all lovey, which makes me cringe right now because I know...
Then he wrote me a text claiming that he is not going to AA because I did not go to Al-Anon when he asked me to over a year ago...I never responded to that quack. Later texted back asking if he could fix something completely unrelated.
Thank you so much, dandylion, for that article. I was trying to put it into words how I would know when he was serious. I know he is still trying to hang onto control...he wants to do what he wants to do.
So I told him that I still reserve the right to ask for that later if my going upstairs does not help enough, and he was very grateful.
And of course, he is buying me my favorite chocolate, etc. and trying to be all lovey, which makes me cringe right now because I know...
Then he wrote me a text claiming that he is not going to AA because I did not go to Al-Anon when he asked me to over a year ago...I never responded to that quack. Later texted back asking if he could fix something completely unrelated.
Thank you so much, dandylion, for that article. I was trying to put it into words how I would know when he was serious. I know he is still trying to hang onto control...he wants to do what he wants to do.
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dejavu.....Aah, if only chocolate could take care of it...huh?
The last thing that the alcoholic, who is not ready, wants to face is the prospect of giving up the thing that helps them to function....I think that is why so many resist any idea of AA. It fills them with fear , panic, and confusion.---at least, this is how I have heard alcoholics explain it. Plus there is a stigma, to being labeled "alcoholic", for lots of people.
So, I think it makes logical sense, for the alcoholic, to blame the whole thing on someone else. That way, they don't have to shoulder any of the burden..It is a sort of "protection" for them.....
The last thing that the alcoholic, who is not ready, wants to face is the prospect of giving up the thing that helps them to function....I think that is why so many resist any idea of AA. It fills them with fear , panic, and confusion.---at least, this is how I have heard alcoholics explain it. Plus there is a stigma, to being labeled "alcoholic", for lots of people.
So, I think it makes logical sense, for the alcoholic, to blame the whole thing on someone else. That way, they don't have to shoulder any of the burden..It is a sort of "protection" for them.....
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Originally Posted by dandylion 
dejavu.....aah, if only chocolate could take care of it...huh?
The last thing that the alcoholic, who is not ready, wants to face is the prospect of giving up the thing that helps them to function....i think that is why so many resist any idea of aa. It fills them with fear , panic, and confusion.---at least, this is how i have heard alcoholics explain it. Plus there is a stigma, to being labeled "alcoholic", for lots of people. After all, many alcoholics are already filled with shame and self-loathing.
So, i think it makes logical sense, for the alcoholic, to blame the whole thing on someone else. That way, they don't have to shoulder any of the burden..it is a sort of "protection" for them.....
The last thing that the alcoholic, who is not ready, wants to face is the prospect of giving up the thing that helps them to function....i think that is why so many resist any idea of aa. It fills them with fear , panic, and confusion.---at least, this is how i have heard alcoholics explain it. Plus there is a stigma, to being labeled "alcoholic", for lots of people. After all, many alcoholics are already filled with shame and self-loathing.
So, i think it makes logical sense, for the alcoholic, to blame the whole thing on someone else. That way, they don't have to shoulder any of the burden..it is a sort of "protection" for them.....
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
dejavuwife, your story rings many bells for me. It's very similar to how things went w/XAH. If you have the time and the inclination, you might find some use in reading through some parts of my story. Rather than post a bunch of links, try this: Click on my name, over to the left of any post I made. Then click on "Find All Threads Started By."
I hope there are things that are helpful to you there.
Wishing you strength and clarity as you move ahead.
I hope there are things that are helpful to you there.
Wishing you strength and clarity as you move ahead.
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Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 65
Heading the right direction now
Not sure what happened, but AH decided that he needed to quit and that he needed to go back to daily meetings. A month ago he was not even sure using DM was a problem. Then, the past few days he has admitted it was a problem, but he kept saying he had it under control.
Now he has not used for the past three days, and his stupid double talk has completely stopped, and he is starting the program all over again...at step one. He has talked with his sponsor again (who called him out the other day, and he didn't want to hear it).
This is what he did when he became an alcoholic...one day, he just gave up and got help and stopped for 2 years by staying in the program, and then this summer the whole crazy started again.
But I can tell he is back now and serious about recovery...relieved but still watching.
I don't know how people can do the mental gymnastics I was having to do long term...just listening to him talk was exhausting and annoying, and it has only been going on for the summer. Then I remember, with my first husband, I put up with it for YEARS...and I have no idea how I did it then.
Now he has not used for the past three days, and his stupid double talk has completely stopped, and he is starting the program all over again...at step one. He has talked with his sponsor again (who called him out the other day, and he didn't want to hear it).
This is what he did when he became an alcoholic...one day, he just gave up and got help and stopped for 2 years by staying in the program, and then this summer the whole crazy started again.
But I can tell he is back now and serious about recovery...relieved but still watching.
I don't know how people can do the mental gymnastics I was having to do long term...just listening to him talk was exhausting and annoying, and it has only been going on for the summer. Then I remember, with my first husband, I put up with it for YEARS...and I have no idea how I did it then.
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