New to the forum but not to alcoholism. ..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 8
New to the forum but not to alcoholism. ..
Please forgive me if I babble on a bit, I have a life time of alcoholism. Not myself but most of the men in my life.
There's my father, the original alcoholic, who drank all the money he made when he decided to hold down a job. He would wobble home beat my mother and tear our shack of a house apart. Take her money and go back out. He always found a reason to go out, most times of course it was my mother's fault. There he would be in his favorite bar with all the sympathy from his "friends" meaning other alcoholics and women. Oh he was a ladies man that's for sure.
There was my stepfather. He had a great job so the money was there....not. he also spent my mother's very small child support checks she got from our father who we would wait for to pick us up with our coats on.....boy it got hot waiting for never. My stepfather was mentally abusive. He would ground my brother and I for two weeks at a time just for looking like we deserved it. He didn't really like kids.
There was my children's father, oh he was fun when we met and looking back also an alcoholic. Staying out all night drinking all the time. Then surprise, I got pregnant he would change yes, NO he wouldn't. I kept thinking if he had a family and was taken care of and loved he would see. Well he got better at not staying out.
Fast forward to now. I am now married to an alcoholic who likes pills as well. You have no idea how I have embarrassed myself at the pharmacy because my sons ADHD meds would be short and now my Lyrica or cymbalta because I have fibromyalgia. Not long ago I went 10 days without and it was horrible. Any pain killers or scripts of any kind are gone. He got a DWI about 8 years ago while driving my 4 year old stepdaughter home. I should have left him then. He was lying all the time and I always knew it deep down but he would yell and scream and of course turn everything on me. The DWI drained what savings I had. I had a great job making good money so I was the bread winner. Couldn't leave his job at a restaurant where he could hide or openly drink. He started there when he was 15. This is his safe place, away from reality away from the stress of our home which is in my name because he had no credit away from our beautiful granddaughter who loves him so much but he can't take the fact my son lives with us at 25 although he has severe major depressive disorder. Everytime I tried to talk to him about anything that has to do with us he turns it onto anything and everyone else. We separated 4 years ago when I found a bag filled with little liquor bottles, Marijuana and pills in his trunk. Of course it was my fault for "snooping " slowly he came back in my life. Two wonderful weeks went by and back to normal. I really didn't want another so I went through more years of horrible conversations, fights, put downs and ruined holidays. Not to mention NO intimate relations. I can count on both hands the number of times my husband and I have been intimate in the last 5 years. Most times it just isn't worth it. At this point I just long for human contact with him but he pushes me away. He has joined AA but at this point I'm warn down and warn out. We rarely talk, mostly text because if I don't initiate a conversation it never happens. I tried talking to him about his first meeting but he just snapped at me. The reason for him going to AA and getting help is due to an intervention our friends had with him. In one day I found out his boss made him sign a contract because he was drunk and couldn't function at work. It says if he doesn't get help and drinks at work again he's fired. Then I found out he was at our town liquor store so drunk after work he fell and knocked over a ton of stuff. That day both his father and mother also confronted him.
Right now I'm feeling like why wasn't I good enough, why wasn't our family good enough to make you go. It took your friends to say you needed to go and you went. I'm feeling alone right now more than ever, and I have felt alone in our relationship for many years.
There's my father, the original alcoholic, who drank all the money he made when he decided to hold down a job. He would wobble home beat my mother and tear our shack of a house apart. Take her money and go back out. He always found a reason to go out, most times of course it was my mother's fault. There he would be in his favorite bar with all the sympathy from his "friends" meaning other alcoholics and women. Oh he was a ladies man that's for sure.
There was my stepfather. He had a great job so the money was there....not. he also spent my mother's very small child support checks she got from our father who we would wait for to pick us up with our coats on.....boy it got hot waiting for never. My stepfather was mentally abusive. He would ground my brother and I for two weeks at a time just for looking like we deserved it. He didn't really like kids.
There was my children's father, oh he was fun when we met and looking back also an alcoholic. Staying out all night drinking all the time. Then surprise, I got pregnant he would change yes, NO he wouldn't. I kept thinking if he had a family and was taken care of and loved he would see. Well he got better at not staying out.
Fast forward to now. I am now married to an alcoholic who likes pills as well. You have no idea how I have embarrassed myself at the pharmacy because my sons ADHD meds would be short and now my Lyrica or cymbalta because I have fibromyalgia. Not long ago I went 10 days without and it was horrible. Any pain killers or scripts of any kind are gone. He got a DWI about 8 years ago while driving my 4 year old stepdaughter home. I should have left him then. He was lying all the time and I always knew it deep down but he would yell and scream and of course turn everything on me. The DWI drained what savings I had. I had a great job making good money so I was the bread winner. Couldn't leave his job at a restaurant where he could hide or openly drink. He started there when he was 15. This is his safe place, away from reality away from the stress of our home which is in my name because he had no credit away from our beautiful granddaughter who loves him so much but he can't take the fact my son lives with us at 25 although he has severe major depressive disorder. Everytime I tried to talk to him about anything that has to do with us he turns it onto anything and everyone else. We separated 4 years ago when I found a bag filled with little liquor bottles, Marijuana and pills in his trunk. Of course it was my fault for "snooping " slowly he came back in my life. Two wonderful weeks went by and back to normal. I really didn't want another so I went through more years of horrible conversations, fights, put downs and ruined holidays. Not to mention NO intimate relations. I can count on both hands the number of times my husband and I have been intimate in the last 5 years. Most times it just isn't worth it. At this point I just long for human contact with him but he pushes me away. He has joined AA but at this point I'm warn down and warn out. We rarely talk, mostly text because if I don't initiate a conversation it never happens. I tried talking to him about his first meeting but he just snapped at me. The reason for him going to AA and getting help is due to an intervention our friends had with him. In one day I found out his boss made him sign a contract because he was drunk and couldn't function at work. It says if he doesn't get help and drinks at work again he's fired. Then I found out he was at our town liquor store so drunk after work he fell and knocked over a ton of stuff. That day both his father and mother also confronted him.
Right now I'm feeling like why wasn't I good enough, why wasn't our family good enough to make you go. It took your friends to say you needed to go and you went. I'm feeling alone right now more than ever, and I have felt alone in our relationship for many years.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Mclassy, the first thing I want to say to you, even before my standard "welcome to SR", is this: You do NOT have to stay with him just b/c he is in AA now! If you still aren't happy, then you still aren't happy. If you are DONE, then you are DONE. You do not need his (or anyone else's) permission to end the marriage and start over. It seems that you are seeing his eventual "recovery" (and a few AA meetings are so very far from being actual recovery) as a sign that now you MUST stay w/him. That is not the case.
OK, and now: Welcome to SR! Glad you found us here, and I hope we can help you find your way to a better place.
Although you detailed a long history of experience with alcoholism, I saw no mention of you doing anything for yourself such as Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or other support. I'd strongly suggest Alanon as an accompaniment to SR; the combo was a good one for me.
I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum and that you can check out the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll see a lot that resonates w/you and hopefully some things that will give you some hope and help you see what your next move should be. You do NOT have to let this man and his disease control your life. You CAN make choices that will set you free.
Hope you continue to read and post here, and I wish you strength and clarity.
OK, and now: Welcome to SR! Glad you found us here, and I hope we can help you find your way to a better place.
Although you detailed a long history of experience with alcoholism, I saw no mention of you doing anything for yourself such as Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or other support. I'd strongly suggest Alanon as an accompaniment to SR; the combo was a good one for me.
I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum and that you can check out the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll see a lot that resonates w/you and hopefully some things that will give you some hope and help you see what your next move should be. You do NOT have to let this man and his disease control your life. You CAN make choices that will set you free.
Hope you continue to read and post here, and I wish you strength and clarity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by honeypig 
Mclassy, the first thing I want to say to you, even before my standard "welcome to SR", is this: You do NOT have to stay with him just b/c he is in AA now! If you still aren't happy, then you still aren't happy. If you are DONE, then you are DONE. You do not need his (or anyone else's) permission to end the marriage and start over. It seems that you are seeing his eventual "recovery" (and a few AA meetings are so very far from being actual recovery) as a sign that now you MUST stay w/him. That is not the case.
OK, and now: Welcome to SR! Glad you found us here, and I hope we can help you find your way to a better place.
Although you detailed a long history of experience with alcoholism, I saw no mention of you doing anything for yourself such as Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or other support. I'd strongly suggest Alanon as an accompaniment to SR; the combo was a good one for me.
I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum and that you can check out the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll see a lot that resonates w/you and hopefully some things that will give you some hope and help you see what your next move should be. You do NOT have to let this man and his disease control your life. You CAN make choices that will set you free.
Hope you continue to read and post here, and I wish you strength and clarity.
OK, and now: Welcome to SR! Glad you found us here, and I hope we can help you find your way to a better place.
Although you detailed a long history of experience with alcoholism, I saw no mention of you doing anything for yourself such as Alanon, Celebrate Recovery, or other support. I'd strongly suggest Alanon as an accompaniment to SR; the combo was a good one for me.
I hope you can spend some time reading around the forum and that you can check out the stickies at the top of the page. I think you'll see a lot that resonates w/you and hopefully some things that will give you some hope and help you see what your next move should be. You do NOT have to let this man and his disease control your life. You CAN make choices that will set you free.
Hope you continue to read and post here, and I wish you strength and clarity.
This is the first step to taking care of me.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
McClassy....I am giving you the link, below, to our "library" of wonderful articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones....
I hope you will look them over and read the ones that appeal to you.
(they are located in our sticky section, above the threads)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
I hope you will look them over and read the ones that appeal to you.
(they are located in our sticky section, above the threads)
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi McC, so sorry for the way you feel. It may be what it takes for you to concentrate on yourself and how you are going to live your life from now on. I agree with the others who have suggested support of some kind, be it Alanon, or counselling. It's great to be able to share with someone who's neutral because as you talk it out, things become clearer to you.
It sounds like you have a lot going for yourself. You are caring, responsible and importantly, have the ability to support yourself. Thinking practically and working out your options will allow you to take back some of the power for yourself, instead of letting his behaviour dictate how you feel. There must be an organised purposeful woman in there who is capable of controlling her own life.
It sounds like you have a lot going for yourself. You are caring, responsible and importantly, have the ability to support yourself. Thinking practically and working out your options will allow you to take back some of the power for yourself, instead of letting his behaviour dictate how you feel. There must be an organised purposeful woman in there who is capable of controlling her own life.
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