admitting to being codependent
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
admitting to being codependent
I posted this in ACoA forum, but maybe it is better idea to have it here...
It has been a very long time since I last posted here. I guess I though I was done with a whole business of dealing with alcoholics. But it seems that fact I had alcoholics in my life and the way it influenced me is not done with me
My father was an A. He died 18 years ago. My ex husband was also an A. We divorced 3 years ago. At the time he wasn't drinking, but soon later he started again. While still married, during his drinking I spent a lot of time on these boards, and I greatly benefited from it. I guess in years that came I was convinced I was cured from all that dysfunction that raged through my life since I was little girl. Lately I came to realize that is not a case.
I was never comfortable with a term codependent. I thought that was not me. I thought I got entangled in all that mess of my marriage by mistake. Sure my dad was an A, but I am really not a codependent. I hated the label. Hated the idea of admitting I'm powerless.
I met someone six months ago. He is not an alcoholic. He is just emotionally unavailable man. Just like my dad. Just like my XAH. And I'm doing the dance again. Waiting. Hoping. Suffering. Trying everything I can think of to make him love me, to make him stay with me.
So I finally picked up those books I have been avoiding Codependent no more and Women who love too much. For the past few days I did nothing but read. It feels like they are written about me. In a way I guess they are. It has stopped me in my tracks, stopped me from trying to run away from myself, from trying to lose myself into someone else, fix everything. Now I don't know what to begin with myself and I feel very tired and skeptical I'll ever get better.
I am coming to terms with a fact my addiction to this kind of behavior is probably just as bad as substance addiction. It pains me a great deal to admit to myself I really need help. I am looking for ways to start my own recovery. I would appreciate any advice you might give.
It has been a very long time since I last posted here. I guess I though I was done with a whole business of dealing with alcoholics. But it seems that fact I had alcoholics in my life and the way it influenced me is not done with me
My father was an A. He died 18 years ago. My ex husband was also an A. We divorced 3 years ago. At the time he wasn't drinking, but soon later he started again. While still married, during his drinking I spent a lot of time on these boards, and I greatly benefited from it. I guess in years that came I was convinced I was cured from all that dysfunction that raged through my life since I was little girl. Lately I came to realize that is not a case.
I was never comfortable with a term codependent. I thought that was not me. I thought I got entangled in all that mess of my marriage by mistake. Sure my dad was an A, but I am really not a codependent. I hated the label. Hated the idea of admitting I'm powerless.
I met someone six months ago. He is not an alcoholic. He is just emotionally unavailable man. Just like my dad. Just like my XAH. And I'm doing the dance again. Waiting. Hoping. Suffering. Trying everything I can think of to make him love me, to make him stay with me.
So I finally picked up those books I have been avoiding Codependent no more and Women who love too much. For the past few days I did nothing but read. It feels like they are written about me. In a way I guess they are. It has stopped me in my tracks, stopped me from trying to run away from myself, from trying to lose myself into someone else, fix everything. Now I don't know what to begin with myself and I feel very tired and skeptical I'll ever get better.
I am coming to terms with a fact my addiction to this kind of behavior is probably just as bad as substance addiction. It pains me a great deal to admit to myself I really need help. I am looking for ways to start my own recovery. I would appreciate any advice you might give.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I'm currently reading "Women who Love Too Much" for the third time in 10 years. It's always helpful and a bit of a gut check for me.
I remember thinking that, once I was divorced from the alcoholic, that life would be easy peasy. Sigh....but I soon realized that I was just as much a part of the problem as he was and that I had to take me with me wherever I went. I've had a lot of lessons along the way. What I'm most grateful for, though, are the fact that now I have tools I can use. I know which books I need to go back to, which journals I should pull out and re-read, and how to sometimes just take a breath and pause. I've learned to be gentler on myself even if I am screwing up. It took me years to get as dysfunctional as I was, I can't expect a miracle of recovery within myself in 3 years. My HP is good to me and patient, now I'm trying to apply those lessons to myself, as well.
Hugs to you, and welcome back!
I remember thinking that, once I was divorced from the alcoholic, that life would be easy peasy. Sigh....but I soon realized that I was just as much a part of the problem as he was and that I had to take me with me wherever I went. I've had a lot of lessons along the way. What I'm most grateful for, though, are the fact that now I have tools I can use. I know which books I need to go back to, which journals I should pull out and re-read, and how to sometimes just take a breath and pause. I've learned to be gentler on myself even if I am screwing up. It took me years to get as dysfunctional as I was, I can't expect a miracle of recovery within myself in 3 years. My HP is good to me and patient, now I'm trying to apply those lessons to myself, as well.
Hugs to you, and welcome back!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I soon realized that I was just as much a part of the problem as he was and that I had to take me with me wherever I went.
For the first time, I realized that I was not just a hapless victim of his choices. I was a willing participant. This realization didn't bring me shame. It empowered me. If I was part of the problem, then I was also part of the solution. My fate was not tied to his. This was a very freeing moment for me.
I read that a few years back and nothing has been the same since. I think of it often and I keep understanding it in new ways as time passes. The first, biggest change was in realizing I was, indeed, not a "hapless victim." From there, it just spiraled outward into every single aspect of my life! Like the OP, where I had felt shame, I suddenly began to feel strength. I realized I DID have a say in how things went and in what I ended up with. It is freeing, but scary at times, too. I do still find myself sometimes searching for someone to blame, someone to make the decisions for me, someone to take the heat, feel the uncertainty--but that's asking someone else to live my life for me, isn't it?
We DO have control over our own actions and thoughts. We are as free as we can let ourselves be.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you all! Nice to see you again 
It is hard for me to accept I'm not really in recovery as I thought I was. Past three years have been hard as I had breast cancer. So all my energy went into fighting it, and my codie patterns were not visible to me. I'm happy to report that I survived. But I'm sad to realize I don't have it all figured out as I thought I did.
The fact I'm menopausal (since I had hysterectomy as well) doesn't help. Hormonal deficiency is driving me crazy, but I'm not allowed to take anything to help it, as my cancer was hormonal... So, to make it short it is quite hard right now to come to terms with a fact I'm not nearly done with recovery, and there is so much work I need to do on myself. And honestly I don't even know where to begin.
I have been in therapy for the past year, I had some progress in some other areas of my life, but codie thing was, I guess, buried deep underneath it all, and now that I have gotten rid of the other clutter it is in the full bloom again. I feel like a helpless child most of the time, desperate for love and affection, having panic attacks...
But I guess the good thing is, if admittance is half of the solution, I'm half way there as for the first time I truly realize my problem, I can see the whole picture, I just do not know what to do about it, how to start making those small steps towards recovery.
For now I'm reading those books. They're giving me enough peace to stop trying to run from myself. Usually I can not stand being home on my own (and I work from home) but now I'm learning it is OK to be alone, it is not the scariest thing in the world. Or at least that is what I'm trying to learn. I think the thing that gets me the most is the fact I'm more scared of being alone than I was scared of death while dealing with my cancer. And that is truly a scary realization.
I'd appreciate if you could share your stories, what has helped you in your recovery, what tools did you use.
Lots of hugs to you all!
It is hard for me to accept I'm not really in recovery as I thought I was. Past three years have been hard as I had breast cancer. So all my energy went into fighting it, and my codie patterns were not visible to me. I'm happy to report that I survived
. But I'm sad to realize I don't have it all figured out as I thought I did. The fact I'm menopausal (since I had hysterectomy as well) doesn't help. Hormonal deficiency is driving me crazy, but I'm not allowed to take anything to help it, as my cancer was hormonal... So, to make it short it is quite hard right now to come to terms with a fact I'm not nearly done with recovery, and there is so much work I need to do on myself. And honestly I don't even know where to begin.
I have been in therapy for the past year, I had some progress in some other areas of my life, but codie thing was, I guess, buried deep underneath it all, and now that I have gotten rid of the other clutter it is in the full bloom again. I feel like a helpless child most of the time, desperate for love and affection, having panic attacks...
But I guess the good thing is, if admittance is half of the solution, I'm half way there as for the first time I truly realize my problem, I can see the whole picture, I just do not know what to do about it, how to start making those small steps towards recovery.
For now I'm reading those books. They're giving me enough peace to stop trying to run from myself. Usually I can not stand being home on my own (and I work from home) but now I'm learning it is OK to be alone, it is not the scariest thing in the world. Or at least that is what I'm trying to learn. I think the thing that gets me the most is the fact I'm more scared of being alone than I was scared of death while dealing with my cancer. And that is truly a scary realization.
I'd appreciate if you could share your stories, what has helped you in your recovery, what tools did you use.
Lots of hugs to you all!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
I also remember getting resentful when someone told me I was codependent.
There is a belief I have heard about that Codependency is at the root of all addiction. After living it, I believe it. Recovering from Codependency is now my primary goal.
There is a belief I have heard about that Codependency is at the root of all addiction. After living it, I believe it. Recovering from Codependency is now my primary goal.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
I love it when enlightenment comes.
Seems like it comes out of nowhere, but I don't think it does.
It's a process that includes our conscious and unconscious mind.
Recently I had an enlightenment, a new understanding of someone's bad behavior in the past, and my part in it.
I had always thought of myself as the victim, but I wasn't. Not totally, anyway.
As Honeypig said in her post, we all have roles to play.
Recognizing this was huge for me.
Seems like it comes out of nowhere, but I don't think it does.
It's a process that includes our conscious and unconscious mind.
Recently I had an enlightenment, a new understanding of someone's bad behavior in the past, and my part in it.
I had always thought of myself as the victim, but I wasn't. Not totally, anyway.
As Honeypig said in her post, we all have roles to play.
Recognizing this was huge for me.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 8
Originally Posted by sesh 
I posted this in ACoA forum, but maybe it is better idea to have it here...
It has been a very long time since I last posted here. I guess I though I was done with a whole business of dealing with alcoholics. But it seems that fact I had alcoholics in my life and the way it influenced me is not done with me
My father was an A. He died 18 years ago. My ex husband was also an A. We divorced 3 years ago. At the time he wasn't drinking, but soon later he started again. While still married, during his drinking I spent a lot of time on these boards, and I greatly benefited from it. I guess in years that came I was convinced I was cured from all that dysfunction that raged through my life since I was little girl. Lately I came to realize that is not a case.
I was never comfortable with a term codependent. I thought that was not me. I thought I got entangled in all that mess of my marriage by mistake. Sure my dad was an A, but I am really not a codependent. I hated the label. Hated the idea of admitting I'm powerless.
I met someone six months ago. He is not an alcoholic. He is just emotionally unavailable man. Just like my dad. Just like my XAH. And I'm doing the dance again. Waiting. Hoping. Suffering. Trying everything I can think of to make him love me, to make him stay with me.
So I finally picked up those books I have been avoiding Codependent no more and Women who love too much. For the past few days I did nothing but read. It feels like they are written about me. In a way I guess they are. It has stopped me in my tracks, stopped me from trying to run away from myself, from trying to lose myself into someone else, fix everything. Now I don't know what to begin with myself and I feel very tired and skeptical I'll ever get better.
I am coming to terms with a fact my addiction to this kind of behavior is probably just as bad as substance addiction. It pains me a great deal to admit to myself I really need help. I am looking for ways to start my own recovery. I would appreciate any advice you might give.
It has been a very long time since I last posted here. I guess I though I was done with a whole business of dealing with alcoholics. But it seems that fact I had alcoholics in my life and the way it influenced me is not done with me
My father was an A. He died 18 years ago. My ex husband was also an A. We divorced 3 years ago. At the time he wasn't drinking, but soon later he started again. While still married, during his drinking I spent a lot of time on these boards, and I greatly benefited from it. I guess in years that came I was convinced I was cured from all that dysfunction that raged through my life since I was little girl. Lately I came to realize that is not a case.
I was never comfortable with a term codependent. I thought that was not me. I thought I got entangled in all that mess of my marriage by mistake. Sure my dad was an A, but I am really not a codependent. I hated the label. Hated the idea of admitting I'm powerless.
I met someone six months ago. He is not an alcoholic. He is just emotionally unavailable man. Just like my dad. Just like my XAH. And I'm doing the dance again. Waiting. Hoping. Suffering. Trying everything I can think of to make him love me, to make him stay with me.
So I finally picked up those books I have been avoiding Codependent no more and Women who love too much. For the past few days I did nothing but read. It feels like they are written about me. In a way I guess they are. It has stopped me in my tracks, stopped me from trying to run away from myself, from trying to lose myself into someone else, fix everything. Now I don't know what to begin with myself and I feel very tired and skeptical I'll ever get better.
I am coming to terms with a fact my addiction to this kind of behavior is probably just as bad as substance addiction. It pains me a great deal to admit to myself I really need help. I am looking for ways to start my own recovery. I would appreciate any advice you might give.
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