Smarie78

I am trying a new recovery plan, or should I say I am trying to work an actual plan for the first time vs winging it. Part of my plan includes service as I naturally am a giving person (much to my detriment), but my giving has been abused by those who can help themselves. That said, to satiate my nature I have enrolled myself into a Literacy program with the city to help tutor those who cannot speak English or cannot read.
I signed up ages ago when I was unemployed and had the time, but now theyve reached out to me for training and I start this Saturday. I am really excited about this for many reasons. I felt a little bit scared to tell Abf because we always spend the weekends together, but I very confidently told him I have training Saturday morning as part of my own recovery plan. He seemed surprised and even a bit annoyed as he is use to that time dedicated to him (nevermind all the Saturdays he abandons me for the bottle and I'm alone)... but I didn't back down. And I almost considered not going! I really am that much of a wimp. But I survived and got through the discomfort of telling him. I almost apologized (?!?!!!).

Anyway! I digress...enough about him. My question...any hardcore codies out there incorporate service into their own recovery? What was your experience? Did you find it helped? Though I'm not just doing this to aid in my recovery, I genuinely want to do this and am excited beyond belief, I do think this is a very healthy way to funnel my feelings and my own "addiction" to ppl pleasing.

Oh...and did you get push back from your qualifier?

Thanks!

hopeful4

Good for you on so many levels!!! So proud of you.

I have done service as part of my own recovery. Various things, many involving children as helping them seems to be my natural tendency. As well as pets LOL. It has been very rewarding.

I will say this. As part of my recovery of being a classic codie, I also had to learn to know when to say NO. I am a single mom, and my children are involved with many things. I am always being asked to be involved with things. I learned to say yes to the ones I think I can be an asset AND that I will enjoy myself. If it's going to be a chore, or I don't think I am the best fit, I have definitely learned that NO is a complete sentence!

It's a wonderful and delicate balance! Enjoy your training on Saturday!

LeeJane

I think it's all about healthy balance.

I do a couple hours service a week. It enhances my life, invigorates me, I get to meet lots of people. In other words, it adds to my life whereas my codie stuff used to drain the life out of me.

firebolt

I think service is healthy for the soul for ANYONE - not just codies.

I always feel better after. Always.

Your qualifier's feelings don't really matter as far as service work goes - its for YOU, and is not about him at all. <3

AnvilheadII

i think volunteer work is crucial to healthy use of our time, talents and treasures. being of service to others keeps us humble. working within a structured organization keeps boundaries in place. my fave volunteer activity is next Friday, the United Way Day of Caring. i've been involved for 20(?) years now. we have 10 teams from our organization this year!!! i'm the one-person cheerleader/promoter/team organizer. MY team gets to go help a Domestic Violence shelter get all spruced up!!! my daughter is joining me again this year.

your "qualifier" doesn't GET a vote in what you choose to do. none of his damn business. he's not your dad.............

dandylion

I have been involved in service work, one way or another, for my entire life.

My thoughts are this---in addition to the altruistic aspect of giving of ourselves to others, it can be a good boost for your self esteem....IF, as, has been said...it has built in boundaries and affords you the necessary secondary gains....

I think this is a good idea for you, for the following reasons....1. It gives you a "valid" excuse take time for yourself away from the destructive interactions with your boyfriend. 2. You can get some positive feedback...positive mirroring from other people. 3. It is an opportunity to meet people to enlarge your social life 4. It can be a self esteem booster....by doing an esteemable activity...

I think the word for what you would be doing is "sublimation".....

Not a bad thing, if handled correctly, I don't think.....
As long as you don't carry the idea that giving to others is your ONLY value...lol....

One good thing....at least they won't insult you and call you names, or demand sex.....

My experience...a qualifier will always push back....
You just have to expect it and not engage in arguments about it...and, above all,,,do not give in!

Smarie78

This is great dandy! And yes this exactly. I love that tomorrow morning instead of doing our normal routine and pretending everything is ok, I actually get to learn something that will help me help others. When you are IAR with someone who doesn't want to change and wants to do the exact same thing you've been doing for two and a half years and not act to change anything, you need to find some independence and way out. Every single weekend we do the same thing living in our fantasy. We run errands, watch movies, go to eat. Pretend we are normal. Now those aren't horrible things to do by any means, and I do enjoy our time together, in fact that's what a normal weekend is by most accounts. But when it never includes planning your future or seeing each others families and friends, shopping for house stuff or planning the baby's room, it can get really boring really quickly. Groundhog Day with no change in sight.

dandylion

Smarie....my concern for you is that YOU get something out of this for Yourself!
I think we all agree, that it is nice to help others. However, I don't think you need any push in that direction...since your entire life centers around taking care of others.
the value, for you, in this endeavor, as I see it is if you can get enough secondary gains (for yourself).......being away from him...making new social friends...., etc......

I am not trying to discourage you from this, at all....just trying to show that perspective is important.

After you get your sea legs with the illiteracy project...I would like to see you enroll in an belly dancing class and art lessons. And, schedule them for Saturday and Sunday...lol...