Healing from trauma: Embrace the Void
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Healing from trauma: Embrace the Void
Life's getting really good, yet I've been feeling a void. This article explains it well... time for me to recognize and embrace the void. I'm healing and this void is a part of that.
Embrace the Void and Live a Life of Passion, Joy and Fulfillment
By Stephenie Zamora
When we’re hurting, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to fill the void.
The void is made up of the empty, lonely feelings that stem from holes in our heart and soul. Sometimes these holes are fresh wounds like a breakup, death in the family, or losing our job. Sometimes they stem from something much deeper, like a lack of connection with family growing up, a childhood trauma, or hurt caused by someone in our past.
When we lose someone or something in our life, most of us jump right into distractions. We start seeing new people, working on every single thing that needs to be done around the house, picking up more hours at work or packing our schedule full of things to do. We do all of this instead of feeling what we feel.
This is called stuffing.
When you lose something or someone, all of the wounds, emptiness, pain and hurt are exposed. As much as it hurts, the void should not be feared. The void is where miracles, strength and change are born.
The truth is that anytime you try to distract yourself from feeling what you’re feeling, you’re avoiding the fact that you’re not whole. Something is missing, damaged or broken, and until you face it, no person or thing will ever make you feel complete.
2012-10-09-stepheniez-1282219_97975456.jpeg
When you take the time to really feel and experience the uncomfortable space that is the void, you begin to see things clearly.
And when you can see things clearly, you can begin to heal.
Maybe it’s not that you need that specific person in your life to talk to... It’s that you need to be heard.
Were you once expressive in another form that you’ve since lost? Painting, music, poetry or something else? You used this person to fill the void. But they could never fill it because whether or not they listened to you, you still weren’t able to feel heard on a more fundamental level. And when they left? You thought you missed talking to them, when really, you’re still missing that greater thing. Not them. Did they really listen to you anyways?
Maybe it’s not that you miss your job... It’s that you don’t know how to define yourself without it.
Have you lost sight of yourself? Is being honest about who you are and what you really want so hard, painful and confusing that you instead chose to focus on your work? Work you probably didn’t even love and killed yourself over with long hours and tons of stress... then “rewarded yourself” with material goods that still left you feeling empty. The pain isn’t coming from the job loss, it’s about the fear and uncertainty that comes with not knowing what you really want.
Maybe it’s not that you miss spending time with them... It’s that you’re afraid to be out in the world alone.
Because now? Now people are going to see you and only you. This person was simply someone you stood behind, like a shield. Maybe they were there because you were afraid to go it alone. Not because being alone scares you, but because the “spotlight” does. All eyes on you is too intense to handle. Without this person to buffer the eyes, you’re feeling vulnerable and unsure of yourself.
Or — and this I know for sure — it’s that you have to face yourself.
You have to be with only you... and without another person or thing to fill the void in your heart and soul, all that’s left to do is feel it. Feel the emptiness or the pain. The hurt, fear and loss. To take a good, hard look at what’s missing, what you left behind and the parts you’ve ignored.
If you’re wise, you’ll sit with the void. You’ll feel the hurts and let them out. You’ll talk about them, cry, break dishes in anger and write, write, write it out. You’ll explore them. Why do I feel this? What have I been neglecting? What have I not allowed to heal?
If you’re not ready, you’ll stuff them with someone or something else. A new guy you met randomly and convinced yourself is the next “one.” A new job or client with excessive hours, or the regular workload you’ve managed to max out to 12-15 hours a day. Food, drugs, sex — these are the worst ways to fill a void.
The only way to be happy, healthy and whole is to face and deal with the voids you carry in your heart and soul. If something is missing, broken or empty inside of you, there is no person or thing that will fill it. Only you can heal yourself and close the voids.
The first step is to stop stuffing, hiding and avoiding.
Trust me, it’s worth every heart-wrenching moment.
Because when you heal the hurts and fill the voids with your own love, light and self, you become whole again. When you’re whole, you feel a sense of joy and fulfillment that no outside person or thing can replicate. These outside circumstances wil simply heighten the feelings you’re already experiencing.
Take action now!
Get honest with yourself... What are you hiding from? What void exists in your heart and soul and how are you stuffing it? What scares you about facing this part of yourself? If you’re ready to heal and grow, remove whatever you’re using to stuff and distract. Sit with it and really allow yourself to feel and explore the void.
Stephenie Zamora
Founder, StephenieZamora.com
By Stephenie Zamora
When we’re hurting, it’s not uncommon to look for ways to fill the void.
The void is made up of the empty, lonely feelings that stem from holes in our heart and soul. Sometimes these holes are fresh wounds like a breakup, death in the family, or losing our job. Sometimes they stem from something much deeper, like a lack of connection with family growing up, a childhood trauma, or hurt caused by someone in our past.
When we lose someone or something in our life, most of us jump right into distractions. We start seeing new people, working on every single thing that needs to be done around the house, picking up more hours at work or packing our schedule full of things to do. We do all of this instead of feeling what we feel.
This is called stuffing.
When you lose something or someone, all of the wounds, emptiness, pain and hurt are exposed. As much as it hurts, the void should not be feared. The void is where miracles, strength and change are born.
The truth is that anytime you try to distract yourself from feeling what you’re feeling, you’re avoiding the fact that you’re not whole. Something is missing, damaged or broken, and until you face it, no person or thing will ever make you feel complete.
2012-10-09-stepheniez-1282219_97975456.jpeg
When you take the time to really feel and experience the uncomfortable space that is the void, you begin to see things clearly.
And when you can see things clearly, you can begin to heal.
Maybe it’s not that you need that specific person in your life to talk to... It’s that you need to be heard.
Were you once expressive in another form that you’ve since lost? Painting, music, poetry or something else? You used this person to fill the void. But they could never fill it because whether or not they listened to you, you still weren’t able to feel heard on a more fundamental level. And when they left? You thought you missed talking to them, when really, you’re still missing that greater thing. Not them. Did they really listen to you anyways?
Maybe it’s not that you miss your job... It’s that you don’t know how to define yourself without it.
Have you lost sight of yourself? Is being honest about who you are and what you really want so hard, painful and confusing that you instead chose to focus on your work? Work you probably didn’t even love and killed yourself over with long hours and tons of stress... then “rewarded yourself” with material goods that still left you feeling empty. The pain isn’t coming from the job loss, it’s about the fear and uncertainty that comes with not knowing what you really want.
Maybe it’s not that you miss spending time with them... It’s that you’re afraid to be out in the world alone.
Because now? Now people are going to see you and only you. This person was simply someone you stood behind, like a shield. Maybe they were there because you were afraid to go it alone. Not because being alone scares you, but because the “spotlight” does. All eyes on you is too intense to handle. Without this person to buffer the eyes, you’re feeling vulnerable and unsure of yourself.
Or — and this I know for sure — it’s that you have to face yourself.
You have to be with only you... and without another person or thing to fill the void in your heart and soul, all that’s left to do is feel it. Feel the emptiness or the pain. The hurt, fear and loss. To take a good, hard look at what’s missing, what you left behind and the parts you’ve ignored.
If you’re wise, you’ll sit with the void. You’ll feel the hurts and let them out. You’ll talk about them, cry, break dishes in anger and write, write, write it out. You’ll explore them. Why do I feel this? What have I been neglecting? What have I not allowed to heal?
If you’re not ready, you’ll stuff them with someone or something else. A new guy you met randomly and convinced yourself is the next “one.” A new job or client with excessive hours, or the regular workload you’ve managed to max out to 12-15 hours a day. Food, drugs, sex — these are the worst ways to fill a void.
The only way to be happy, healthy and whole is to face and deal with the voids you carry in your heart and soul. If something is missing, broken or empty inside of you, there is no person or thing that will fill it. Only you can heal yourself and close the voids.
The first step is to stop stuffing, hiding and avoiding.
Trust me, it’s worth every heart-wrenching moment.
Because when you heal the hurts and fill the voids with your own love, light and self, you become whole again. When you’re whole, you feel a sense of joy and fulfillment that no outside person or thing can replicate. These outside circumstances wil simply heighten the feelings you’re already experiencing.
Take action now!
Get honest with yourself... What are you hiding from? What void exists in your heart and soul and how are you stuffing it? What scares you about facing this part of yourself? If you’re ready to heal and grow, remove whatever you’re using to stuff and distract. Sit with it and really allow yourself to feel and explore the void.
Stephenie Zamora
Founder, StephenieZamora.com
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
My current void is....
An open space, where all has been stripped away. All the pain, hurt and trauma are gone. It's a big blank part of me that I'm learning to get comfortable with, that I'm taking time to identify and manifest what I'd like to fill it.
Instead of kayaking, I'm sitting at the waters edge... being at peace with myself and all around me. I want to jump in the water, go swimming, hike mountains and live big. Instead I'm being called to sit, wait, observe, be still.
Life is filling up with many good things. I'm learning to enjoy the good, feel any pain that arises, heal from the inside out...
An open space, where all has been stripped away. All the pain, hurt and trauma are gone. It's a big blank part of me that I'm learning to get comfortable with, that I'm taking time to identify and manifest what I'd like to fill it.
Instead of kayaking, I'm sitting at the waters edge... being at peace with myself and all around me. I want to jump in the water, go swimming, hike mountains and live big. Instead I'm being called to sit, wait, observe, be still.
Life is filling up with many good things. I'm learning to enjoy the good, feel any pain that arises, heal from the inside out...
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Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,669
I have quite a few voids- I posted earlier this week in another thread/s- of feeling 'hollow', where the absence of my 2 sons (now men) in my life has left a void that cannot be substituted by anything- as they are my blood.
Having said that- I recognise the need to accept and live thru the pain- that void. I do mindful art and walking. The family - plus divorce, my own 3 NDE's, burns from blackout, homeless from there and pain and the death of my dad around this time and the other half- have left a numbing-shock void. Very similar to physical shock. A protection- to deal s-l-o-w-l-y with new circumstance.
Having said that- I recognise the need to accept and live thru the pain- that void. I do mindful art and walking. The family - plus divorce, my own 3 NDE's, burns from blackout, homeless from there and pain and the death of my dad around this time and the other half- have left a numbing-shock void. Very similar to physical shock. A protection- to deal s-l-o-w-l-y with new circumstance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 2,349
I remember being at a meeting once and my long time program friend was speaking. She said something along the lines like, "I needed something to fill my holes....."
Well, the whole room busted out laughing because the way it came out was really funny.....
But, in reality, we all knew what she meant. I still have voids that I know need to be filled. But, today, I have awareness of them and I know the dysfunction behind it. Program and constant working on myself have helped me recognize the voids but I truly believe that working my recovery will be a lifetime of learning how to fill those voids and I embrace it today. Although, at times, I feel I have no choice but to do so, lol....because the alternative is misery!
Well, the whole room busted out laughing because the way it came out was really funny.....
But, in reality, we all knew what she meant. I still have voids that I know need to be filled. But, today, I have awareness of them and I know the dysfunction behind it. Program and constant working on myself have helped me recognize the voids but I truly believe that working my recovery will be a lifetime of learning how to fill those voids and I embrace it today. Although, at times, I feel I have no choice but to do so, lol....because the alternative is misery!
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
Great article and thank you for posting. Before I met my qualifier, I was desperately looking to fill the void using any means necessary. I found myself drawn to unhealthy and even addictive behaviors. I couldn't get enough, and I always needed it to be available and always wanted to chase the high by upping the ante. I don't think I ever posted about it, but it immediately stopped when I met the alcoholic in my life. See, for me he filled the void. Prior to him I used sex a lot to feel something, anything. It made me feel powerful and in control. It got to a point where my therapist recommended an SA meeting. I never went for several reasons, but as soon as I met my qualifier it all stopped. Never had the craving once. The urges ceased. The obsessive thoughts were gone. It was all about him now.
This is why fixing the root is so important. Rarely is the addiction ever about the DOC. Not sure it ever occurred to me that part of why I stay is to avoid the....well, void. The one that I was running from before we met.
This is why fixing the root is so important. Rarely is the addiction ever about the DOC. Not sure it ever occurred to me that part of why I stay is to avoid the....well, void. The one that I was running from before we met.
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Just realized my recent void allowed more buried pain and trauma to come forth... not in a bad way, just time to release and work through more that I didn't realize was there.
Good news: lost my drivers license (I think it's somewhere in my car) and when I got the replacement this week my photo is wonderful!! Even without makeup or brushing my hair, and after a night camping in a tent!
Releasing stress is a natural age-reducing beauty treatment. It may not be immediate, but each year I'm getting younger in attitude and in looks
Good news: lost my drivers license (I think it's somewhere in my car) and when I got the replacement this week my photo is wonderful!! Even without makeup or brushing my hair, and after a night camping in a tent!
Releasing stress is a natural age-reducing beauty treatment. It may not be immediate, but each year I'm getting younger in attitude and in looks
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Much more old trauma coming forth today. I'm feeling it physically, emotionally, all through my body and having thoughts that are not beneficial to me... that I've done something wrong, that I'm messing up, that I'm not able, capable or worthy.
I told the truth... right out loud... right on this forum... to many, many people. I did what any abused people knows in every fiber of their being... don't tell... don't tell... don't tell... and I told. I found more of my truth and spoke it.
I'll get through this day and tomorrow will be better. Right now my body feels like it's on fire and I feel like I'm somewhere very very scary, yet I know I'm safe, I know this is something being released from deep inside me that I'm not hanging onto anymore.
I told the truth... right out loud... right on this forum... to many, many people. I did what any abused people knows in every fiber of their being... don't tell... don't tell... don't tell... and I told. I found more of my truth and spoke it.
I'll get through this day and tomorrow will be better. Right now my body feels like it's on fire and I feel like I'm somewhere very very scary, yet I know I'm safe, I know this is something being released from deep inside me that I'm not hanging onto anymore.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
TTF,
Its good that you are feeling this. Its sad breaking up with someone you love. I have said it before, its like an addict that needs a drink. Don't go there. You are strong enough to abstain!!
Be kind to yourself, take a bath, get you nails done or hair cut, read a book, go for a long walk. just take care of you.
Hugs and have an awesome weekend!!
Its good that you are feeling this. Its sad breaking up with someone you love. I have said it before, its like an addict that needs a drink. Don't go there. You are strong enough to abstain!!
Be kind to yourself, take a bath, get you nails done or hair cut, read a book, go for a long walk. just take care of you.
Hugs and have an awesome weekend!!
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
ktf, I'd like to suggest a book called "The Trauma Tool Kit: Healing PTSD from the Inside Out" by Susan Pease Bannit. I borrowed it from my local library earlier this summer when I was having a lot of "stuff" bubbling up from my earlier life. There are a lot of good suggestions for ways to get feeling grounded and safe again when you're feeling disconnected, fearful and unsafe. as well as other info that I found useful.
In fact, I just checked it out again a week or so ago and may eventually end up buying it to keep on hand as a reference book.
In fact, I just checked it out again a week or so ago and may eventually end up buying it to keep on hand as a reference book.
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The more I tell the truth of the abuse, the more I find and speak the truth, THE STRONGER I AM.
The rebound symptoms are much smaller and more rare. I am HEALING.
Today, I CHOOSE to create my own life, unconstrained by abusive people.
Believer by Imagine Dragons , choreography at Millennium Complex
https://youtu.be/w0WL5BQRQyA
The rebound symptoms are much smaller and more rare. I am HEALING.
Today, I CHOOSE to create my own life, unconstrained by abusive people.
Believer by Imagine Dragons , choreography at Millennium Complex
https://youtu.be/w0WL5BQRQyA
"O you must wear your rue with difference".
Join Date: Aug 2017
Posts: 1,146
Thank you for posting this. I've been trying to fill the void with work, trying to find more work. I'm going to see if I can write it out, listen to a lot of music, get exercise. I miss the idea of the family I wanted to have, but now I don't have it, I just have myself.
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