darkling

I recently told my husband that when he was released from prison [Sept 3] I wasn't going to live with him until he was clean and sober. [He'd just gotten caught using - in prison.] That's going ok and is another thread

August 13, my 2 cats and I moved into the spare room of a woman [and her 15yo daughter] that I know from AA. I haven't known her for very long, but I needed a place fast and she offered. She's got 18 years clean/sober and for some strange reason, I equated that with sanity. *heavy sigh*

This woman talks non-stop, but makes no effort to listen. Ok. Fine. I've got other people to talk with. But OMG, I'm getting sick of hearing about her soon-to-be ex. But I understand and I'm trying my level best to be supportive - even when I just want to scream STFU!

Her and her 15yo have a very rocky relationship, which I think is pretty normal/common. My son and I were kinda rocky when he was 15. But this is way over the top. If she's not talking about her ex-to-be, she's telling me stuff about how rotten the 15yo is. She's justifying what I see as her bad behavior. NO! I'd never say that to her! But I have tried to share what helped my son and I when we were court-ordered into counseling. Unfortunately, her situation is totally unique . . . Whatever. I've tried to just bite my lip and not say a thing. That worked for a couple of weeks.

Last weekend, she came home and immediately started screeching for her daughter. I went out because I knew what she was mad about. 15yo came out right after me, so I was literally in the middle of them. I tried to tell her that I was partly responsible [and I really was.] But the harder I tried to say anything, the louder she got. It triggered me - bad. 15yo said "Mom, you're scaring her!!" I ran to my room, pillows over my ears, crying like I haven't in I don't know when. The pillows didn't help. This went on for two solid hours. I don't think I've ever seen anyone in such an extended, out of control rage like this before.

[and I really resented that she was doing this TO ME the day before my husband got released! Didn't I have enough emotional crap going on without this!? <---sarcasm]

I practiced my little "speech" for the last 3 days to get my wording right and not put blame on her. Tonight, when she started to tell me how rotten her kid is, I interrupted. I calmly told her that since I have to live with both of them, I am not willing to put myself in the middle of their issues like I'd done Saturday. I told her that I don't want to talk about ***** any more. She said OK, but looked like I had slapped her. [FWIW, I'm on ****** side.]

I have the awful feeling that this is not the end. Most of it is really dumb little stuff. She leaves before I get up and is gone all day - no word to me. That's fine, she doesn't need to check in with me! But last night when I'd made plans to ride home with a friend instead of with her, after the meeting - and neglected to tell her before-hand? OMG, she was seriously PO'd. [REALLY?!] *sigh*

I've only ever lived with someone I was in a long-term relationship with, I've never been a room-mate or a house-mate. I'm pretty sure I do not like it.

Just sharing as an introduction - Have the sinking feeling that I'm going to need some support on this. *heavy sigh*


If I was in to labels [and I'm not] the words control freak. immediately come to mind. *roll eyes*

darkling

Great. We seem to be not talking now - at all. SMH :

PuzzledHeart

Maybe that's a blessing?

I lived with tons of roommates before I got married. I honestly think that the best arrangements were the ones where none of the occupants were expected to be each other's emotional support. We certainly got along, but there was no expectation whatsoever that we were going to be best buds. I can't speak for the others, but for me it was great, because it allowed me to live as independently as possible even though I couldn't afford my own apartment.

It sounds like your housemate had other expectations.

If you don't have a lease, I would try to move out ASAP. It's hard to teach someone boundaries unless they have a vested interest in it.

That said, I'm sorry it's been so stressful. I do hope, for your sake, that she doesn't knock on your bedroom door 24/7.

darkling

Yes, not talking is definitely a good thing right now. Tho it'd be nice if it weren't quite so passive-aggressive feeling.

Yes, she definitely had some expectations . . . I think a kind of replacement for who her soon-to-be ex-AH. Emotional support without any input [because that's unsolicited advice - unfortunately, this only works in one direction.] Someone to help her clean [read: clean for her and pick up after her 4 untrained dogs.] And It'd be nice if sometimes supper was ready when she got home. [She thought I was kidding when I told her before I moved in that I do not cook. I didn't cook for my poor son when it was just the 2 of us, and I never cooked for any of my 3 husbands. Nope. Not starting 6 months away from 60. Sorry, not sorry.]

I didn't want this thread to turn into a whiny, tattle-tail thread but if I can't dump this crap somewhere, I'll go insane. I've been here less than one month, I'm not what she wanted and I've no doubt she'll kick me out sooner or later.

I think what's saving my sanity is that I'm a night-owl. Sorry, not sorry [again.] Not changing til [if?] my husband gets home. I like being a night-owl! So her, her 15yo and I aren't really crossing paths too often. *whew*

No lease and my plan never was to stay here very long anyway. But my biggest hurdle right now is the extreme lack of money. I got waaaaay behind on things while trying to hold onto the duplex til my husband got home. Now that my rent is 1/2 and it covers utilities, I'll be caught up by the beginning of December. I'd planned on getting some into savings for a security deposit, etc, etc. and find me and the cats a real home. Now, even thinking of being here til December makes me queasy.

So, yeah, making moving plans in my head right now. Will put them to paper when I get up. One of my friends owns apartments. There's at least one friend [possibly 2] who would possibly/prob'ly help me financially in an emergency. [and it feels like we're heading towards the red line.] Who can I beg to help me physically move? Can you have cats in Section 8 housing? [I'm on disability.] ETC!

If I'm going to move [and I am] I'm going back to the city I lived in for 35 years, til I moved to this crappy little town 3 years ago. I don't drive and in the bigger city it really wasn't a problem. Public transportation. Meetings all over the place. Easier to find rides! My mentor is there!

Ok, so I've just made a decision. [TA DA!] But my stomach and my head hurt! [WAH.]

Thanks for listening to my whine. I'm sure there'll be more as I try to stay sane and figure this out. [Yeah, that's kind of a warning. bwa ha ha!]

darkling

ps. plus it'd be soooo easy to get to all of my stupid medical appointments!

AND - just found one I'm calling in the morning.
I'm not kiddin' around here folks!

hopeful4

It sounds like a volatile situation that you need to get out of ASAP. I myself can only say I would be pulling every resource I have to move. Check with some agencies. I know there are places like Catholic Charities that will help with deposits, etc. in some cases.

Big hugs to you, I cannot imagine.

LeeJane

That all sounds exhausting. I hope you can get away from it soon.

PuzzledHeart

Oh my gosh. I shouldn't be laughing. But I am. Because those expectations are RIDICULOUS.

Well if she made it easier for you to make a decision, then perhaps some of this craziness had some value to you.

Note that I said "Some of this craziness" not "ALL of this craziness."

darkling

By all means, LAUGH! The situation is so totally and insanely ridiculous, it requires laughter! My personal fav is "having supper ready . . ." For a split second, I thought she was making a joke . . . OMG, she's not?!

[Just for the record, we're both on disability. She works home football games. Period. Six Saturdays. A YEAR. ]

A glaringly obvious "Houston, we have a problem" moment.

I let myself get way too upset about this and needing to move right now!! Haven't heard back about the apartment that I've decided I MUST HAVE and landed myself into a seriously major anxiety attack that's gone on for 2 days now. *shaking my head* I haven't needed my anxiety meds for ages, but yeah, here goes half of one. Took today off from thinking. The Plan is now to calmly work on my phone call list this weekend and calmly begin Monday.

But I can't stop thinking:
OMG, if I'd wanted constant chest pains, I would've had my husband come home! and I LOVE HIM. Poor cats think I've finally totally gone 'round the bend.

She claims 18 years clean/sober. My personal opinion [now backed by personal experience] is: Being on the Marijuana Maintenance Program is NOT clean/sober! [Not totally sure which one is me . . .]

Stay tuned. It's bound to stay interesting.

darkling

Definitely valuable!

Lesson #1: Never assume sobriety equals healthy or sane.

[Would've thought I knew that already. Must be a refresher course thing.]

darkling

omg - she comes in my room, knowing I just woke up and starts rambling about
<whatever>
asks to borrow 5 til Monday
<fine, whatever makes her go away>
tells me how sick she is with graphic details of vomiting
<damn, she's still here and yes, she's the only one who's ever puked in the history of the freakin' world>
tells me she's had a negative pap smear and starts crying
<sorry, not sorry - couldn't pretend to give a flying duck>
then, I almost killed the giant 9 month old husky "pup" cuz she got one of the baggies of cat food and the el cheapo, thin baggie could've killed her
<um, NO>
to add to the already fun challenge of walking the 4 dog pile/puddle obstacle course every time I leave my room, husky pup is now in heat and doesn't know how to deal with it
<unfortunately, this will be continued . . .>

note to self: it only feels like forever . . .

darkling

Big fight with R?A room-mate yelling at me.
Told her I'd start looking for another place.
15 yo tried to stick up for me.
She got yelled at for awhile.
Went and sat outside so I couldn't hear her.
Smoked 1/2 pack cigs [I quit smoking 10yrs ago] and talked on the phone with a friend.
She got it all out of her system, so she feels great and is being nice to everyone.
Gave me a ton of her hand-me-downs to try on.
She seems to think it's all ok now.
The hurtful, insulting things she said were said in anger, so they don't count.
She thinks I'm staying.

Riiiiiiight.

PuzzledHeart

She's probably seeing all that extra income fly out the window.

I guess she has forgiven you for "almost killing" her dog .

For her, too bad, so sad. For you, time to get the hell out of Dodge.

darkling

No no no! You don't realize what a fantastic deal she's giving me on this room!
She told me so herself!

hopeful4

Holy crap. Get the heck out of dodge friend!

darkling

Believe it or not [and I barely do] we have declared a truce.

I'd done pretty good at not raising my voice, maybe some explaining but no justifying. After all of the mean things she'd said, I couldn't believe she could go even further. But she finally crossed the line and I freakin' snapped. As I stomped past her, into the house and towards my room I screamed one back at her, went in my room, slammed the door and locked it.

I must've really hit home cuz it shut her up. Maybe she didn't know she had any faults? IDK.

Hours later, she's texting me from the other room . . . . I shoved a long piece of toilet paper under her door with "Flag of Truce" written on it. [Hey, I didn't have any white cloth!]

We had a good + long talk. Now we seem to be ok, talking and laughing. *geesh* if I'd known a week ago that all I needed to do was scream an insult back at her . . .

But we're never going to be close friends like we could've been. [We haven't known each other very long.] Yeah, I said something nasty, but she attacked me with quite a few intentionally cruel, personal comments for days.

Realistically, she needs me and the rent I'm paying. I have nowhere else to go and no money to get there. Plus, another huge consideration for her is that she needs me to take care of the 4 basically non-house-broken dogs when her and her daughter to out of town for a week in November. She couldn't PAY anyone enough to do it and really doesn't want it common knowledge that we live in a barn . . . After that, I'll have paid her back for everything she did to help me move with 3 weeks notice. Both money-wise as well as recruiting manly-men to move stuff, etc.

I have made it very clear that that kind of behavior is NOT ACCEPTABLE.

So, truce for now. Hopes and plans to have my own place January 1st.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.

ps. Why am I so tired?? [rhetorical]